The Action Mutant…
doesn’t think this movie was sponsored by Carnation.
Instant Justice
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
Here we are with another piece in the filmography of Michael Paré (who, for some reason when I see him, the phrase “beef witted, apple-john” comes to mind. Thank you, Darrell Hammond/Sean Connery). I’m sure it’s funny to muse that the guy was most likely on the verge of stardom after doing Eddie and the Cruisers (which became a cult favorite on cable & video, after a so-so theater run), only to see him delve further into direct-to-video dreck once he hit the 90s & beyond. Then again, he lives in Amsterdam when he’s not making films. You know…the pot capital of the free world. So, while your blogging about his wooden performances & the fact he’s been in both Bloodrayne flicks (Uwe Boll strikes!), remember that he’s probably rolling up a nice one with that money & doesn’t give a shit about being in a Uwe Boll pic. And even if he does care, the pot probably takes some of the edge off.
The Plot, as it was:
Paré stars as Scott Youngblood, a Marine Sergeant that learns that his sister Kim (Lynda Bridges) died in Spain. He soon comes to realize that she was a callgirl for an influential mobster named Silke (Eddie Avoth) & that she was murdered when she realized she was in over her head. Getting no help from a crooked police force, Youngblood teams up with slightly crippled photographer Jake (Peter Crook) & feisty callgirl Virginia (Tawny Kitaen and her insane, 80s hair) to try to avenge his sister’s death…even if it means rebuffing a lucrative promotion. Seriously though, her hair is friggin’ huge. We’re talking football helmet here!
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
True, the Justice in Instant Justice is far from instant, as the movie runs for 101 minutes. However, without that running time, how could it be considered amongst the pantheon of “Big, Dumb & Loud” Action pics of the 80s? In that respect, it certainly fits the second part of that category to a tee. Writer/Director Craig T. Rumar (to whom this film is his only credit) puts together a stock revenge story without a non-cliché bone in its body, starting with Paré as the brawny Action hero. The man can’t put forth a competent emotion, even when he’s only required to yell at people (which he does a lot of). However, that made for about half of the requirements for an 80s Action star (the other: smart ass one liners & lots of them) so he hardly suffers any long lasting damage. Crook provides the sole standout performance as he adds some (intentional) humor as the sidekick & old pro Charles Napier adds some well-needed credibility as a head military officer (he should; he seemingly can play these military guys in his sleep). I wouldn’t know anything about Kitaen’s part, since her hair distracted me every time she showed up. It looked like a muskrat died atop her head and grew a mullet. Add to that shoulder pads that would give Lawrence Taylor envy & you have two of the many laughable elements that keep this from being boring at least. I would have thought Youngblood outrunning a speeding car or Jake being fairly agile for a dude with a cane would have done me in but even those elements can’t compare to the relationship between Youngblood & Virginia. You know the type by now: at each others throats one minute, caressing in the shower the next without much of a transitioning point. It’s been done before (and better) but Instant Justice provides some brain-dead, good fun for anyone with the right amount of tolerance (or alcohol) for cheesy 80s Action. No, really…I’m surprised her hair didn’t jump off of her head and attack people!
Body Count/Violence: 9. Considering the era, the number is pretty disappointing & the carnage isn’t nearly sufficient enough for a revenge tome. That said, there’s the required shooting, barroom brawling, car crashing, explosions, window crashing, frying pan fu (a la Joe Bob Briggs), glass bottle weaponry, etc. The best death would have to be Youngblood running a mobster (on the hood of a Trans-Am the hero heisted) back first into the front propeller of a bi-plane & leaving a nice, splattered blood spot on the hood.
Sexuality/Nudity: Bridges shows partial nipple in her scene & Tessa Hewitt provides the film’s gratuitous nudity fix, showing every bit of T&A in a photo shoot scene. Kitaen doesn’t get naked in the aforementioned shower scene but I doubt I could have focused on her goods anyway. Really, her hair should have been doing the cartwheels in the “Here I Go Again” video.
Language/Dialogue: A few F-bombs here and there, along with milder obscenities.
How bad was it?:
Not much in the way of reviews but viewer feedback has it as pretty bad & maybe slightly below the standards of the time. And they were just as distracted by Tawny’s hair as I was.
Did it make the studio’s day?:
Despite the somewhat name leads, Warner Bros. & Mulloway Limited distributed Instant Justice straight to VHS in America in January of 1987. According to this helpful article, IJ was marketed with Top Gun-style graphics & its star at the forefront. It apparently worked, as the flick went on to sell over 40,000 copies (an impressive number for a direct-to-video release). It has not found a DVD release as of yet so VHS (as low as 75 cents on Amazon, bitches!) is the only way to go for now.
Film: *1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ***1/2/*****
Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
On Deadly Ground
The Action Mutant…
would like to warn you about the dangers…of Vaporlock!
On Deadly Ground
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
Of all of those general questions that spread through any realm of competition, the one that is always the most intriguing is “Where did it all go wrong?” This can be attributed to almost anyone involved in a competitive field but many pundits like to apply the question to certain dynasties. We all like to offer our own opinions on when a certain person or franchise “jumped the shark”, so to speak. Last year’s New England Patriots…Guns ‘n Roses…Mike Tyson; everyone has their takes on where these dominant forces failed. Some are more opinionated (me, I think the Patriots thought the game was a forgone conclusion & upon hearing everyone on ESPN and their mother proclaim the Pats the leaders of the free world, the Giants went out and played the game of a lifetime) and others seem pretty obvious (Axl’s a nutbag perfectionist that seemingly alienates everyone within five feet of him and Tyson’s a combination of too much success coming to a person with a street upbringing & lack of mental faculties). For Steven Seagal, the moment is fairly easy to point out. Warner Brothers wanted the big man to reprise his role of super soldier/cook Casey Ryback for the upcoming sequel to Seagal’s hit Under Siege (the film is Seagal’s biggest starring gross to date, at $83.6 million). Seagal agreed…as long as he got to direct his own effort down the line. Something about fighting a mystical bear, the environment, big oil, etc. I’m sure he had them at “mystical bear”. The WB folk agreed to let Seagal helm his own project…hence, On Deadly Ground. And you thought Patton Oswalt’s mind was boggled by Death Bed: The Bed That Eats (PEOPLE!).
The Plot, as it was:
Seagal portrays Forrest Taft (judging by Seagal’s impending girth, Taft was a descendant of twenty-seventh American President William Howard Taft), a troubleshooter for the Aegis Oil company who finds out some rather unsavory things about his employers. Apparently, his boss Jennings (Michael Caine…really?) knowingly has faulty equipment in his soon-to-be-operating AEGIS-1 oil rig, which will cause a catastrophic oil spill once it malfunctions. Taft’s curmudgeon co-worker Palmer (Richard Hamilton) knows of the company’s secrets…and is soon brutally dispatched by Jennings’ personal killer MacGruder (John C. McGinley). However, Palmer manages to copy the info to a disc before his demise so Taft gets his hands on it (despite the fact the disc doesn’t figure into the story again…trust me, it gets worse). Instead of going to the authorities with the data (remember, EVERYONE’S corrupt, so that option’s out), Taft goes the logical route: he nearly gets killed by Aegis henchmen, discovered by Indians (one of them being Joan Chen, who must be hated by her agent beyond all reproach), goes on a spiritual quest & decides the best cause for action is to murder the baddies & blow the damn oil rig all to shit. If your cranium isn’t spewing blood form your ears at this point, consider yourself one of the lucky ones.
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Even though 1994’s Pulp Fiction was arguably the film that killed the collective Action star, On Deadly Ground did more than enough damage to Steven Seagal’s career on its own. It’s really nothing more than a $50 million egofuck that masquerades as a message pic, as Seagal’s good intentions are muddled in a morass of shitty plotting & a high quota of stuff going boom. These things are the norm in a mediocre Seagal movie but here they end up taking away from the all important “message”. To wit:
* Taft decides he’s going to blow up the oil rig but in such a way that oil won’t spill into the ocean. That’s all well and good but what about the burning oil fumes? I’m sure that adds to air pollution, genius. I could see if the rig was encased in a bubble-like fortress, keeping the fumes boxed in until the air could be purified but…C-MON!
* Forrest’s file gets pulled up to reveal his shady government agency past (not this again!) & that's apparently news to Jennings as his men are on their way to kill Taft. These men have never heard of background checks BEFORE they hire people?
* Apparently, as long as it’s in the name of saving the environment, it’s ok to murder 30+ people who most likely are not all mercenaries and have not been told why exactly a 6 ft., pony-tailed madman is snapping their clavicles & blowing shit up.
I could bring up numerous more instances of vanity & hypocrisy (and downright idiocy) but I’d be sitting here until frost formed on my testacles (seemingly because I wouldn’t be able to turn the heater on because I would be too busy typing said instances). Some people are skilled enough craftsmen to blend Actioner & message pic into one whole but Seagal isn’t one of them. The big guy uses a sledgehammer to pound his points home (witness his climactic, post rampage speech, which was edited from an astounding 11 minutes to about 3 in the final cut!), all while ignoring the fact that the rampant mayhem blunts any attempt at taking him seriously. If that’s not enough, the portions involving Seagal & the Indian tribe are hilarious in how the symbolism just becomes downright insulting (just add smoke, mirrors, mystical talk & big tittied Indian women). Caine can chalk this up as his most embarrassing role in his career, left to do nothing more than curse & chew heavy scenery (and have oil slicks in his hair fluctuate in color from scene to scene). If there’s anything good about this swill it’s that there is some snappily read lines from R. Lee Ermey (the tiresome “Who we’re dealing with” speech, which does at least sound fresh coming from Sgt. Hartman) & a chunkier, younger Billy Bob Thornton (“I wanna feel solid.”). And fans of Seagal will get their fix of their hero taking out extras with his bare hands, all whilst looking at some choice cinematography from Seagal film vet Ric Waite. However, fans will also have to fight through much nauseating preaching & spiritual doubletalk to see that stuff. There are plenty of Seagal flicks to see without that stuff getting in the way.
Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- The venerable Sven-Ole Thorsen makes his latest appearance here, as henchman Otto.
- Director Irvin Kershner (Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, Never Say Never Again) is the director of the TV spot Jennings is in.
- Bart the Bear (The Edge) is the bear that Seagal fights in his dream sequence. His hometown listed on IMDB is Baltimore, Maryland. Hey, hometown bear! I’d say he’s on par in hometown celebrity with Mel Kiper Jr.
Body Count/Violence: 38. Those critics grilling the makers of Pulp Fiction & Natural Born Killers over its violent content apparently skipped this bloodying the same year. Seagal brings his message to the masses via shooting, knife through the head, snapped wrists & limbs, gratuitous weaponry, kicks to the balls (watch out for that overdubbing!), explosions, car crashes, impaling via explosives & tree branches, torching, oil drowning, helicopter blade mutilation, etc. The barfight scene, which concludes in Forrest pounding remorse into a bullish barfly (Mike Starr) via the “hand slap” game, is arguably the most laughable scene in the film (as well as being instrumental in making Seagal look more like a douche). However, it doesn’t begin to touch the sadism of the scene where Palmer is murdered. Apparently, Steve felt that scene involving an old man having his fingers bashed with an ivory club & being cut into with a pipe cutter would make his cause seem more sympathetic. Well, he got it partly right.
Sexuality/Nudity: The dream sequence involves a dancing, topless Indian woman & several, fuller figured, topless Indian women. I’m sure Seagal was perusing a National Geographic before coming up with this.
Language/Dialogue: Fairly strong, as not many villains swear with the conviction of a pissed off Michael Caine.
How bad was it?:
Out of the 30+ films in Seagal’s storied career, this and The Foreigner have the great distinction of scoring a big, fat 0% on rottentomatoes.com. Critics chided the uneasy juxtaposition of Seagal’s bone crushing violence & heavy handed preaching, as well as Caine’s campy performance & obvious comparisons of the film to Tom Laughlin's Billy Jack series. Some critics say this is his worst film ever, while some have saved that award for any one of his DtoDVD features. Speaking of awards, Seagal nabbed a Razzie in 1995 for Worst Director (while the flick was nominated for five other Razzies). One of the few positives cited is Billy Bob’s brief role as mercenary Homer Carlton, which is pure redneck BBT at its finest.
Did it make the studio’s day?:
Despite its status as a hopeless debacle, ODG did keep one Seagal tradition going: opening up #1 at the box office. Debuting on 2/18/94, it was the fifth Seagal flick in a row (starting with 1990’s Hard to Kill) to open at the top spot with a gross of $12.7 million. It actually took audiences a while to catch on to its badness, as it fell out of the top 10 nearly a month afterwards. When it sank, it sank fast as it went from 6th on the March 11th weekend to 11th & 17th the next successive weekends. It ended its run with a gross of $38.6 million and became the first Seagal vehicle to not turn a profit in America. Since ODG, only two Seagal films (Fire Down Below & Exit Wounds) have opened at #1 and Half Past Dead was his last film to be seen in theaters (released 11/15/02). As Homer Simpson once put it: “The moral of the story is…never try.”
Film: */*****
Entertainment value: ***/*****
Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.
would like to warn you about the dangers…of Vaporlock!
On Deadly Ground
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
Of all of those general questions that spread through any realm of competition, the one that is always the most intriguing is “Where did it all go wrong?” This can be attributed to almost anyone involved in a competitive field but many pundits like to apply the question to certain dynasties. We all like to offer our own opinions on when a certain person or franchise “jumped the shark”, so to speak. Last year’s New England Patriots…Guns ‘n Roses…Mike Tyson; everyone has their takes on where these dominant forces failed. Some are more opinionated (me, I think the Patriots thought the game was a forgone conclusion & upon hearing everyone on ESPN and their mother proclaim the Pats the leaders of the free world, the Giants went out and played the game of a lifetime) and others seem pretty obvious (Axl’s a nutbag perfectionist that seemingly alienates everyone within five feet of him and Tyson’s a combination of too much success coming to a person with a street upbringing & lack of mental faculties). For Steven Seagal, the moment is fairly easy to point out. Warner Brothers wanted the big man to reprise his role of super soldier/cook Casey Ryback for the upcoming sequel to Seagal’s hit Under Siege (the film is Seagal’s biggest starring gross to date, at $83.6 million). Seagal agreed…as long as he got to direct his own effort down the line. Something about fighting a mystical bear, the environment, big oil, etc. I’m sure he had them at “mystical bear”. The WB folk agreed to let Seagal helm his own project…hence, On Deadly Ground. And you thought Patton Oswalt’s mind was boggled by Death Bed: The Bed That Eats (PEOPLE!).
The Plot, as it was:
Seagal portrays Forrest Taft (judging by Seagal’s impending girth, Taft was a descendant of twenty-seventh American President William Howard Taft), a troubleshooter for the Aegis Oil company who finds out some rather unsavory things about his employers. Apparently, his boss Jennings (Michael Caine…really?) knowingly has faulty equipment in his soon-to-be-operating AEGIS-1 oil rig, which will cause a catastrophic oil spill once it malfunctions. Taft’s curmudgeon co-worker Palmer (Richard Hamilton) knows of the company’s secrets…and is soon brutally dispatched by Jennings’ personal killer MacGruder (John C. McGinley). However, Palmer manages to copy the info to a disc before his demise so Taft gets his hands on it (despite the fact the disc doesn’t figure into the story again…trust me, it gets worse). Instead of going to the authorities with the data (remember, EVERYONE’S corrupt, so that option’s out), Taft goes the logical route: he nearly gets killed by Aegis henchmen, discovered by Indians (one of them being Joan Chen, who must be hated by her agent beyond all reproach), goes on a spiritual quest & decides the best cause for action is to murder the baddies & blow the damn oil rig all to shit. If your cranium isn’t spewing blood form your ears at this point, consider yourself one of the lucky ones.
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Even though 1994’s Pulp Fiction was arguably the film that killed the collective Action star, On Deadly Ground did more than enough damage to Steven Seagal’s career on its own. It’s really nothing more than a $50 million egofuck that masquerades as a message pic, as Seagal’s good intentions are muddled in a morass of shitty plotting & a high quota of stuff going boom. These things are the norm in a mediocre Seagal movie but here they end up taking away from the all important “message”. To wit:
* Taft decides he’s going to blow up the oil rig but in such a way that oil won’t spill into the ocean. That’s all well and good but what about the burning oil fumes? I’m sure that adds to air pollution, genius. I could see if the rig was encased in a bubble-like fortress, keeping the fumes boxed in until the air could be purified but…C-MON!
* Forrest’s file gets pulled up to reveal his shady government agency past (not this again!) & that's apparently news to Jennings as his men are on their way to kill Taft. These men have never heard of background checks BEFORE they hire people?
* Apparently, as long as it’s in the name of saving the environment, it’s ok to murder 30+ people who most likely are not all mercenaries and have not been told why exactly a 6 ft., pony-tailed madman is snapping their clavicles & blowing shit up.
I could bring up numerous more instances of vanity & hypocrisy (and downright idiocy) but I’d be sitting here until frost formed on my testacles (seemingly because I wouldn’t be able to turn the heater on because I would be too busy typing said instances). Some people are skilled enough craftsmen to blend Actioner & message pic into one whole but Seagal isn’t one of them. The big guy uses a sledgehammer to pound his points home (witness his climactic, post rampage speech, which was edited from an astounding 11 minutes to about 3 in the final cut!), all while ignoring the fact that the rampant mayhem blunts any attempt at taking him seriously. If that’s not enough, the portions involving Seagal & the Indian tribe are hilarious in how the symbolism just becomes downright insulting (just add smoke, mirrors, mystical talk & big tittied Indian women). Caine can chalk this up as his most embarrassing role in his career, left to do nothing more than curse & chew heavy scenery (and have oil slicks in his hair fluctuate in color from scene to scene). If there’s anything good about this swill it’s that there is some snappily read lines from R. Lee Ermey (the tiresome “Who we’re dealing with” speech, which does at least sound fresh coming from Sgt. Hartman) & a chunkier, younger Billy Bob Thornton (“I wanna feel solid.”). And fans of Seagal will get their fix of their hero taking out extras with his bare hands, all whilst looking at some choice cinematography from Seagal film vet Ric Waite. However, fans will also have to fight through much nauseating preaching & spiritual doubletalk to see that stuff. There are plenty of Seagal flicks to see without that stuff getting in the way.
Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- The venerable Sven-Ole Thorsen makes his latest appearance here, as henchman Otto.
- Director Irvin Kershner (Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, Never Say Never Again) is the director of the TV spot Jennings is in.
- Bart the Bear (The Edge) is the bear that Seagal fights in his dream sequence. His hometown listed on IMDB is Baltimore, Maryland. Hey, hometown bear! I’d say he’s on par in hometown celebrity with Mel Kiper Jr.
Body Count/Violence: 38. Those critics grilling the makers of Pulp Fiction & Natural Born Killers over its violent content apparently skipped this bloodying the same year. Seagal brings his message to the masses via shooting, knife through the head, snapped wrists & limbs, gratuitous weaponry, kicks to the balls (watch out for that overdubbing!), explosions, car crashes, impaling via explosives & tree branches, torching, oil drowning, helicopter blade mutilation, etc. The barfight scene, which concludes in Forrest pounding remorse into a bullish barfly (Mike Starr) via the “hand slap” game, is arguably the most laughable scene in the film (as well as being instrumental in making Seagal look more like a douche). However, it doesn’t begin to touch the sadism of the scene where Palmer is murdered. Apparently, Steve felt that scene involving an old man having his fingers bashed with an ivory club & being cut into with a pipe cutter would make his cause seem more sympathetic. Well, he got it partly right.
Sexuality/Nudity: The dream sequence involves a dancing, topless Indian woman & several, fuller figured, topless Indian women. I’m sure Seagal was perusing a National Geographic before coming up with this.
Language/Dialogue: Fairly strong, as not many villains swear with the conviction of a pissed off Michael Caine.
How bad was it?:
Out of the 30+ films in Seagal’s storied career, this and The Foreigner have the great distinction of scoring a big, fat 0% on rottentomatoes.com. Critics chided the uneasy juxtaposition of Seagal’s bone crushing violence & heavy handed preaching, as well as Caine’s campy performance & obvious comparisons of the film to Tom Laughlin's Billy Jack series. Some critics say this is his worst film ever, while some have saved that award for any one of his DtoDVD features. Speaking of awards, Seagal nabbed a Razzie in 1995 for Worst Director (while the flick was nominated for five other Razzies). One of the few positives cited is Billy Bob’s brief role as mercenary Homer Carlton, which is pure redneck BBT at its finest.
Did it make the studio’s day?:
Despite its status as a hopeless debacle, ODG did keep one Seagal tradition going: opening up #1 at the box office. Debuting on 2/18/94, it was the fifth Seagal flick in a row (starting with 1990’s Hard to Kill) to open at the top spot with a gross of $12.7 million. It actually took audiences a while to catch on to its badness, as it fell out of the top 10 nearly a month afterwards. When it sank, it sank fast as it went from 6th on the March 11th weekend to 11th & 17th the next successive weekends. It ended its run with a gross of $38.6 million and became the first Seagal vehicle to not turn a profit in America. Since ODG, only two Seagal films (Fire Down Below & Exit Wounds) have opened at #1 and Half Past Dead was his last film to be seen in theaters (released 11/15/02). As Homer Simpson once put it: “The moral of the story is…never try.”
Film: */*****
Entertainment value: ***/*****
Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Death Race (2008)
The Action Mutant…
only imagines if Vince McMahon had the PPV numbers the “Death Race” gets!
Death Race
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
So, Death Race is the 2008 remake/re-imagining of the 1975 cult classic Death Race 2000, which (in turn) was inspired by that same year’s Rollerball. Oddly enough, that film was (poorly) remade in 2002; a rare misfire by Die Hard auteur John McTiernan. It also probably didn’t help that the movie was re-edited from an R to PG-13 in order for “broader audience appeal” (and yet, one of the things cut was a nude scene by Rebecca Romijin-Stamos. Go figure, I guess). It was so bad that LL Cool J stated the film sucked when he was on Late Night with Conan O’Brien many years later. Of course, the high point in the flick for me was pro wrestling guru Paul Heyman’s bellowing “It’s time to play…RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLERBALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!” I’m sure I’ll review the latter version of Rollerball one day…you know if I get really plastered or lose a bet or something.
The point: Needless remakes prompt equally needless banter about them.
The Plot, as it was:
Jason Statham plays Jensen Ames, a man framed for the murder of his wife & sent to Terminal Island Prison. While there, he is given an interesting proposition by ice queen warden Hennessey (Joan Allen) that is just slightly better than the propositions you usually get in prisons! The main income for the prison (and the corporations that run the country’s prisons, since the economy has fallen on hard times) is the “Death Race”, the most popular sport in the world. Hosting the race for broadcast via internet paysite, Hennessey has run into a snag as Frankenstein, the Race’s hero (with cameo voice work by David Carradine), was killed during his most recent run-in with “Machine Gun” Joe Mason (Tyrese Gibson). Hennessey convinces Ames to don the Frankenstein garb by stating he might win his freedom if he wins the upcoming Race. Aided by sexy navigator Case (Natalie Martinez) & a pit crew led by the hard bitten Coach (Ian McShane of Deadwood fame), Ames must survive a race that is controlled by Hennessey’s whims and motives, which can change by the second.
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Despite my rant above, Death Race is not the unmitigated disaster one might have thought it would be. If it has anything at all going for it, it is that it was penned & directed by Sci-Fi/Horror genre favorite Paul W.S. Anderson (the Resident Evil trilogy, Event Horizon), who has proven that he can do blood, guts & atmosphere with the best of them. However, if one is expecting an inkling of the satiric edge that accompanied Death Race 2000…well, it’s just not going to be there. In fact, aside from the use of a few character names & the basic concept of the race being a “death sport”, Death Race is not at all like its predecessor. Whereas the mayhem was put against the backdrop of DR2K, mayhem is all Death Race has to rest against. The story is fairly thin and that means there is a lot of blood to try to compensate for it. It all looks stylish & grim, as per usual from P.W.S.A so if you’re just looking for a loud, brutal good time, the movie satisfies on that front. Statham gives his obligatory Eastwood-by-English Bob, tough guy performance & Allen does as much as she can with the worn, “authoritative villain” routine. McShane is one of the few beacons of light here, reveling in being the hard, old salt (though that means slightly less swears than he would encompass as Al Swearengen). The angle that is taken with Gibson’s MGJ Mason (he’s gay & prisoners fight for the right to be his navigator, though most of them end up dead) is the most interesting thing about his character, as there’s not much else to it. Everyone else just drives their supped-up vehicles & looks tough right through to the finale, which includes one of those instances where a villain turns into a good guy in order to move the story along, despite everything the villain was about going against such a turn. Slap on the requisite “happy ending” & that’s exactly what encapsulates Death Race as a whole; though it doesn’t intend to reinvent the wheel, one would expect some attempts at something inspired. Ok, the hyping of the races amused me because it was straight out of a wrestling/MMA ad but that was about it.
Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- Though he’s technically not in the film, horror cinema critic John Fallon (aka "The Arrow") is credited as a Neo Nazi (his scene was left on the cutting room floor).
Body Count/Violence: 28. The amount of time spent on cultivating the video game-like violence in Death Race must have been 10x longer than time spent on anything else. Along with the loads of bullets fired and cars crashing left & right, there’s impaling, car and body crushing, decapitation, neck snapping, gutting, explosions, beatings, torching, stabbing, razor cutting, etc. Things are quite bloody & brutal but edited at a quick pace so stuff isn’t lingered upon much.
Sexuality/Nudity: Male ass in the shower. There’s a scene where all of the female navigators emerge from a bus, looking all hot & sexy and we get…male ass in the shower.
Language/Dialogue: Strong at times, with Allen getting the line of the film: “Ok, cocksucker. Fuck with me, and we'll see who shits on the sidewalk!” Apparently, your degree of freedom is determined by being able to defecate onto the street. I was not aware of this.
How bad was it?:
As critically maligned as DR2K was, it at least has cult classic status going for it. Not many free passes going about for this one, even from genre fans. Ebert lambasted this as much as the previous one, stating that this one was so much like a video game that he was wondering when the movie was going to start. Ouch!
Did it make the studio’s day?:
Like one of its spectacular crashes, Death Race flamed out before it got a chance to regain itself. Universal released the $45 million speedster on 8/22/08 and only racked up $12.6 million for a 3rd place finish (behind Tropic Thunder & The House Bunny). Well, at least it beat The Dark Knight…though it was in its 6th week in theaters. It stayed steady in the top 15 for about a month before it sank out of sight. Earning $36.1 million in the states to date (plus $23.4 million overseas), it was last in the top 100 at #41 on 10/10/08. I don’t expect any miracles but there’s always DVD.
Film: **1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ***1/2/*****
Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.
only imagines if Vince McMahon had the PPV numbers the “Death Race” gets!
Death Race
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
So, Death Race is the 2008 remake/re-imagining of the 1975 cult classic Death Race 2000, which (in turn) was inspired by that same year’s Rollerball. Oddly enough, that film was (poorly) remade in 2002; a rare misfire by Die Hard auteur John McTiernan. It also probably didn’t help that the movie was re-edited from an R to PG-13 in order for “broader audience appeal” (and yet, one of the things cut was a nude scene by Rebecca Romijin-Stamos. Go figure, I guess). It was so bad that LL Cool J stated the film sucked when he was on Late Night with Conan O’Brien many years later. Of course, the high point in the flick for me was pro wrestling guru Paul Heyman’s bellowing “It’s time to play…RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLERBALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!” I’m sure I’ll review the latter version of Rollerball one day…you know if I get really plastered or lose a bet or something.
The point: Needless remakes prompt equally needless banter about them.
The Plot, as it was:
Jason Statham plays Jensen Ames, a man framed for the murder of his wife & sent to Terminal Island Prison. While there, he is given an interesting proposition by ice queen warden Hennessey (Joan Allen) that is just slightly better than the propositions you usually get in prisons! The main income for the prison (and the corporations that run the country’s prisons, since the economy has fallen on hard times) is the “Death Race”, the most popular sport in the world. Hosting the race for broadcast via internet paysite, Hennessey has run into a snag as Frankenstein, the Race’s hero (with cameo voice work by David Carradine), was killed during his most recent run-in with “Machine Gun” Joe Mason (Tyrese Gibson). Hennessey convinces Ames to don the Frankenstein garb by stating he might win his freedom if he wins the upcoming Race. Aided by sexy navigator Case (Natalie Martinez) & a pit crew led by the hard bitten Coach (Ian McShane of Deadwood fame), Ames must survive a race that is controlled by Hennessey’s whims and motives, which can change by the second.
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Despite my rant above, Death Race is not the unmitigated disaster one might have thought it would be. If it has anything at all going for it, it is that it was penned & directed by Sci-Fi/Horror genre favorite Paul W.S. Anderson (the Resident Evil trilogy, Event Horizon), who has proven that he can do blood, guts & atmosphere with the best of them. However, if one is expecting an inkling of the satiric edge that accompanied Death Race 2000…well, it’s just not going to be there. In fact, aside from the use of a few character names & the basic concept of the race being a “death sport”, Death Race is not at all like its predecessor. Whereas the mayhem was put against the backdrop of DR2K, mayhem is all Death Race has to rest against. The story is fairly thin and that means there is a lot of blood to try to compensate for it. It all looks stylish & grim, as per usual from P.W.S.A so if you’re just looking for a loud, brutal good time, the movie satisfies on that front. Statham gives his obligatory Eastwood-by-English Bob, tough guy performance & Allen does as much as she can with the worn, “authoritative villain” routine. McShane is one of the few beacons of light here, reveling in being the hard, old salt (though that means slightly less swears than he would encompass as Al Swearengen). The angle that is taken with Gibson’s MGJ Mason (he’s gay & prisoners fight for the right to be his navigator, though most of them end up dead) is the most interesting thing about his character, as there’s not much else to it. Everyone else just drives their supped-up vehicles & looks tough right through to the finale, which includes one of those instances where a villain turns into a good guy in order to move the story along, despite everything the villain was about going against such a turn. Slap on the requisite “happy ending” & that’s exactly what encapsulates Death Race as a whole; though it doesn’t intend to reinvent the wheel, one would expect some attempts at something inspired. Ok, the hyping of the races amused me because it was straight out of a wrestling/MMA ad but that was about it.
Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- Though he’s technically not in the film, horror cinema critic John Fallon (aka "The Arrow") is credited as a Neo Nazi (his scene was left on the cutting room floor).
Body Count/Violence: 28. The amount of time spent on cultivating the video game-like violence in Death Race must have been 10x longer than time spent on anything else. Along with the loads of bullets fired and cars crashing left & right, there’s impaling, car and body crushing, decapitation, neck snapping, gutting, explosions, beatings, torching, stabbing, razor cutting, etc. Things are quite bloody & brutal but edited at a quick pace so stuff isn’t lingered upon much.
Sexuality/Nudity: Male ass in the shower. There’s a scene where all of the female navigators emerge from a bus, looking all hot & sexy and we get…male ass in the shower.
Language/Dialogue: Strong at times, with Allen getting the line of the film: “Ok, cocksucker. Fuck with me, and we'll see who shits on the sidewalk!” Apparently, your degree of freedom is determined by being able to defecate onto the street. I was not aware of this.
How bad was it?:
As critically maligned as DR2K was, it at least has cult classic status going for it. Not many free passes going about for this one, even from genre fans. Ebert lambasted this as much as the previous one, stating that this one was so much like a video game that he was wondering when the movie was going to start. Ouch!
Did it make the studio’s day?:
Like one of its spectacular crashes, Death Race flamed out before it got a chance to regain itself. Universal released the $45 million speedster on 8/22/08 and only racked up $12.6 million for a 3rd place finish (behind Tropic Thunder & The House Bunny). Well, at least it beat The Dark Knight…though it was in its 6th week in theaters. It stayed steady in the top 15 for about a month before it sank out of sight. Earning $36.1 million in the states to date (plus $23.4 million overseas), it was last in the top 100 at #41 on 10/10/08. I don’t expect any miracles but there’s always DVD.
Film: **1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ***1/2/*****
Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Death Race 2000
The Action Mutant…
swears Crack was stronger in the 1970s (and this film is proof!).
Death Race 2000
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
Roger Corman is like any other movie producer. He breathes, he talks and he puts his pants on one leg at a time…only, once his pants are on, he makes hit movies. And not just any hit movies…movies that have budgets that equal the amount of money Michael Bay can go through in a half a day! Corman’s greatest claim to fame is that he made the original Little Shop of Horrors in 2 ½ days, a record that no one will seemingly get close to breaking in this day & age. He’s also known for taking the popular films of the day and crafting a smaller scale, lower funded (though not always a “rip-off”) knockoff & turn them into profitable projects. With Bonnie & Clyde, there came Bloody Mama, Boxcar Bertha & Big Bad Mama (but not Big Bad Bloody Boxcar). With Jaws, there came Piranha. With Star Wars, there came Battle Beyond the Stars. With Jurassic Park, there came Carnosaur. And with Rollerball, there came Death Race 2000. And everyone was wearing gold plated diapers in the end. Although they were probably spray painted gold to keep with the budget.
The Plot, as it was:
David Carradine stars as Frankenstein, the leather clad hero of a futuristic, dystopian America’s favorite sport…the Transcontinental Road Race (aka “the Death Race”)! A tradition instilled by “Mr. President” (residing at his summer palace in Peking), the cross country Race can be won not only by crossing the finish line first but by mowing down pedestrians & gathering points for each corpse! Dubbed as such because his body has been rebuilt after each year’s brutal race, Frankenstein joins other colorful racers such as Nero the Hero (Martin Kove), Matilda the Hun (Roberta Collins), Calamity Jane (Mary Woronov)…and a loudmouth gangster named “Machine Gun” Joe Viterbo (Sylvester Stallone!). However, a group of rebels (led by Thomasina Paine...har har) that is against “Mr. President’s” policies threatens to quash the Race for good as rebel spy Annie Smith (Simone Griffeth) also happens to be Frankenstein’s navigator. Well, if worse comes to worse, blame the French!
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
If Death Race 2000 was a child, it would resemble Bart Simpson. He would be lighting cherry bombs in the bathroom, all while sporting a sly, devilish grin & cracking satirical humor. Add to that a definite air of oddness & gallows humor (all about the “Euthanasia Day” scene) and you have a one-of-a-kind cult classic. All this movie challenges you to do is to look on with pure anarchic glee & have somewhat of a strong constitution. The flick manages to balance a number of goofy touches with material that would be downright ugly in the wrong hands. Though there’s nothing you’d call award winning as far as the acting’s concerned, the performances are appropriately overplayed (or underplayed, depending on the situation) for maximum effect. Carradine admits this is the one that made his film career & he rode the film’s wave of weirdness into his future endeavors. Here, he deadpans Frankenstein to great comic effect at times & comes off as a great contrast to Stallone’s Viterbo. Sly hams it up notoriously here but it’s totally within the character & he does have his fair share of one liners (see below). The hilarity doesn’t stop at the two “name” actors, as “The Real” Don Steele’s annoying (yet appropriately so) play-by-play announcer act is all peaches & Carle Bensen does a mean Howard Cosell back when that impersonation was timely and fresh (lets not forget Joyce Jameson as gossip reporter Grace Pander…a dear friend of mine). The women (namely Woronov) bring enough sass to otherwise thankless roles & pull off lines like “Whoever named your car the Bull... was only half right!” with impunity. The script by Robert Thom & Charles B. Griffith contains many crazy anachronisms (Matilda the Hun…really?) and cheeky satiric jabs (the word “sabotage” is derived from French, you know!) that put it past people’s expectations of just being all about mayhem. Best of all, director Paul Bartel oversees a pretty competent, highly entertaining product, despite the obvious budgetary constraints (dig the crazy car designs). It may not be high art, but DR2K is great fun for the troublemaker in all of us.
Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- Paul Bartel is the doctor that introduces Frankenstein.
- Director John Landis (Trading Places, Innocent Blood) is one of the mechanics.
- Lewis Teague (director of…ooooooooooohhh, Navy Seals!) is the Toreador.
Body Count/Violence: 33. Despite the crude production values, DR2K delivers on the carnage front in more than satisfying fashion. There’s plenty of blood (though a lot of it is of the “red paint” variety the 70s was known for) brought on by plenty of drive-by hits, with some of the results being impaling (by MG Joe’s hunting knife…which is mounted onto the hood of his car!), limb ripping, head crushing & tire peeling on one’s body! We also get some fighting, plenty of explosions, car crashing, shooting & more. And a “hand grenade”. No, really.
Sexuality/Nudity: It’s the 1970s, when exploitation was king…of course there’s nudity! Griffeth bares her chest twice in as many bedroom scenes, as well as Collins, Woronov & Louise Moritz (Myra) showing their chests in a rubdown scene (no, they don’t rubdown each other). Carradine is in his underwear on more than one occasion, if that makes the ladies happy.
Language/Dialogue: Just some mild expletives. Gotta love Sly’s classic retort: “I got two words to say to that... BULL…SHIT!”
How bad was it?:
Most critics look at this with great reminiscence & basically look past its faults. Ebert gave it zero stars when it first came out but his review sounds more like a decree against theaters letting little kids into R rated movies (and them enjoying the violence) than anything about the film in general.
Did it make the studio’s day?:
Filmed in various California locations in the fall of 1974, Death Race 2000 was produced & released by Corman’s New World Pictures on 4/27/75 for a paltry $300,000 (did you expect millions? It’s Roger Corman, people!). Though no gross has ever been made known, it’s been around long enough to ensure that profit was pretty substantial. It is available on DVD through several small video companies, Corman’s New Horizons Home Video & even Disney!
Film: ***/*****
Entertainment value: *****/*****
Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.
swears Crack was stronger in the 1970s (and this film is proof!).
Death Race 2000
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
Roger Corman is like any other movie producer. He breathes, he talks and he puts his pants on one leg at a time…only, once his pants are on, he makes hit movies. And not just any hit movies…movies that have budgets that equal the amount of money Michael Bay can go through in a half a day! Corman’s greatest claim to fame is that he made the original Little Shop of Horrors in 2 ½ days, a record that no one will seemingly get close to breaking in this day & age. He’s also known for taking the popular films of the day and crafting a smaller scale, lower funded (though not always a “rip-off”) knockoff & turn them into profitable projects. With Bonnie & Clyde, there came Bloody Mama, Boxcar Bertha & Big Bad Mama (but not Big Bad Bloody Boxcar). With Jaws, there came Piranha. With Star Wars, there came Battle Beyond the Stars. With Jurassic Park, there came Carnosaur. And with Rollerball, there came Death Race 2000. And everyone was wearing gold plated diapers in the end. Although they were probably spray painted gold to keep with the budget.
The Plot, as it was:
David Carradine stars as Frankenstein, the leather clad hero of a futuristic, dystopian America’s favorite sport…the Transcontinental Road Race (aka “the Death Race”)! A tradition instilled by “Mr. President” (residing at his summer palace in Peking), the cross country Race can be won not only by crossing the finish line first but by mowing down pedestrians & gathering points for each corpse! Dubbed as such because his body has been rebuilt after each year’s brutal race, Frankenstein joins other colorful racers such as Nero the Hero (Martin Kove), Matilda the Hun (Roberta Collins), Calamity Jane (Mary Woronov)…and a loudmouth gangster named “Machine Gun” Joe Viterbo (Sylvester Stallone!). However, a group of rebels (led by Thomasina Paine...har har) that is against “Mr. President’s” policies threatens to quash the Race for good as rebel spy Annie Smith (Simone Griffeth) also happens to be Frankenstein’s navigator. Well, if worse comes to worse, blame the French!
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
If Death Race 2000 was a child, it would resemble Bart Simpson. He would be lighting cherry bombs in the bathroom, all while sporting a sly, devilish grin & cracking satirical humor. Add to that a definite air of oddness & gallows humor (all about the “Euthanasia Day” scene) and you have a one-of-a-kind cult classic. All this movie challenges you to do is to look on with pure anarchic glee & have somewhat of a strong constitution. The flick manages to balance a number of goofy touches with material that would be downright ugly in the wrong hands. Though there’s nothing you’d call award winning as far as the acting’s concerned, the performances are appropriately overplayed (or underplayed, depending on the situation) for maximum effect. Carradine admits this is the one that made his film career & he rode the film’s wave of weirdness into his future endeavors. Here, he deadpans Frankenstein to great comic effect at times & comes off as a great contrast to Stallone’s Viterbo. Sly hams it up notoriously here but it’s totally within the character & he does have his fair share of one liners (see below). The hilarity doesn’t stop at the two “name” actors, as “The Real” Don Steele’s annoying (yet appropriately so) play-by-play announcer act is all peaches & Carle Bensen does a mean Howard Cosell back when that impersonation was timely and fresh (lets not forget Joyce Jameson as gossip reporter Grace Pander…a dear friend of mine). The women (namely Woronov) bring enough sass to otherwise thankless roles & pull off lines like “Whoever named your car the Bull... was only half right!” with impunity. The script by Robert Thom & Charles B. Griffith contains many crazy anachronisms (Matilda the Hun…really?) and cheeky satiric jabs (the word “sabotage” is derived from French, you know!) that put it past people’s expectations of just being all about mayhem. Best of all, director Paul Bartel oversees a pretty competent, highly entertaining product, despite the obvious budgetary constraints (dig the crazy car designs). It may not be high art, but DR2K is great fun for the troublemaker in all of us.
Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- Paul Bartel is the doctor that introduces Frankenstein.
- Director John Landis (Trading Places, Innocent Blood) is one of the mechanics.
- Lewis Teague (director of…ooooooooooohhh, Navy Seals!) is the Toreador.
Body Count/Violence: 33. Despite the crude production values, DR2K delivers on the carnage front in more than satisfying fashion. There’s plenty of blood (though a lot of it is of the “red paint” variety the 70s was known for) brought on by plenty of drive-by hits, with some of the results being impaling (by MG Joe’s hunting knife…which is mounted onto the hood of his car!), limb ripping, head crushing & tire peeling on one’s body! We also get some fighting, plenty of explosions, car crashing, shooting & more. And a “hand grenade”. No, really.
Sexuality/Nudity: It’s the 1970s, when exploitation was king…of course there’s nudity! Griffeth bares her chest twice in as many bedroom scenes, as well as Collins, Woronov & Louise Moritz (Myra) showing their chests in a rubdown scene (no, they don’t rubdown each other). Carradine is in his underwear on more than one occasion, if that makes the ladies happy.
Language/Dialogue: Just some mild expletives. Gotta love Sly’s classic retort: “I got two words to say to that... BULL…SHIT!”
How bad was it?:
Most critics look at this with great reminiscence & basically look past its faults. Ebert gave it zero stars when it first came out but his review sounds more like a decree against theaters letting little kids into R rated movies (and them enjoying the violence) than anything about the film in general.
Did it make the studio’s day?:
Filmed in various California locations in the fall of 1974, Death Race 2000 was produced & released by Corman’s New World Pictures on 4/27/75 for a paltry $300,000 (did you expect millions? It’s Roger Corman, people!). Though no gross has ever been made known, it’s been around long enough to ensure that profit was pretty substantial. It is available on DVD through several small video companies, Corman’s New Horizons Home Video & even Disney!
Film: ***/*****
Entertainment value: *****/*****
Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Righteous Kill
The Action Mutant…
believes the Nazis might be…RIGHT BEHIND THIS WALL! HOO-AHH!!!
Righteous Kill
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
DeNiro and Pacino. A time not too long ago, their upcoming roles were looked at as cinematic events upon themselves. Now, they’re on the short list of Frank Caliendo’s five best impersonations. As funny as those impersonations are (Pacino, particularly), its still a bit disheartening considering both are supposedly “the greatest actors of our generation”, to use a cliché. Many say the cracks started to show after Pacino belted his first “HOO-AHH!” or when DeNiro played the most unlikely Frankenstein ever (yes, even more unlikely than Peter Boyle). The last 10-15 years have seen both in high profile variations on the same act: Pacino screaming & bugged eyed and beyond reproach; DeNiro playing the same, Bickle-esque mook/psychopath. Sure, its still amusing at times & the two still branch out from time to time (Looking for Richard for Al, Wag the Dog for Bobby) but those were little seen tomes in their careers. The little time capsule that every film fanatic seems to hold on to is the pair’s six minute scene they share in Michael Mann’s epic Heat. I’m sure that every armchair director had to be thinking to themselves since the first time they saw that scene, “I wonder what a film would be like where they were together the whole movie!” Well, guess what? After seeing Righteous Kill, you won’t have to. And that’s a shame.
The Plot, as it was:
Al and Bobby play Rooster & Turk (and there is a reason for that), two veteran detectives of the NYPD that are your typical odd couple. Rooster’s the laconic type that watches the chips fall where they may, while Turk is the slightly bent, right all wrongs hardass that doesn’t go by the book. The duo is on the trail of a serial killer that seems to be offing people that both have busted over the years, only to see those people go free on a technicality. Everything seems par for the course until the possibility is brought up that it could be a cop doing the killing. All signs point to a “Turk”ey shoot but it can’t be that obvious, right? Right…?
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
I wish I could say Righteous Kill is just merely bad. I wish I could say that both leads break into their usual histrionics & take the viewer on an over the top show. It would be a lot easier than explaining the real reasons why RK fails to hit the mark. The main problem is everything is…just there. If not for the stature of the film’s leads, Kill could pass as a direct-to-DVD or TV movie, only with saltier language. Director Jon Avnet (88 Minutes, which was Pacino’s last vehicle) and writer Russell Gerwitz (Inside Man) infuse no life into well tread territory (aside from the obligatory, opening credit montage), as some better craftsmen would have at least made it seem somewhat fresh. Of course, they had two very capable leads to pick up the slack and…well, they were just there, too! DeNiro only wakes up every now and again, namely when the script calls for him to be angry. He approaches the old pro standard of “hitting the marks” but that’s about it, as he hardly does anything memorable. Pacino’s “crazy man” act only really shows up in the final third & even then, it seemed stunted. Any instances of resonance that the two add to their characters are few & far between. The scenes in which the two are together work well but the dynamic can only do so much. The story does no favors for the supporting cast, as serviceable work by Carla Gugino, John Leguizamo, Donnie Wahlberg, Brian Dennehy and even Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson, is totally wasted at every turn. The much criticized twist ending is decent at best but would have probably gone over better if it weren’t just trailed by 85 minutes of mediocrity. If Heat had never existed, Righteous Kill might have come off even better than it really is but probably not by much.
Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- Ajay Naidu (Samir in Office Space) is Dr. Chadrabar.
Body Count/Violence: 13. Being a standard cop thriller, this has standard cop thriller violence. Some bloody gunshots and after-the-fact corpses are the norm here, as well as a beating. One particular kill is punctuated by a very obvious dummy being tossed through a window.
Sexuality/Nudity: Sex and S&M fun is implied but not shown. Gugino is shown in her bra & Trilby Glover has her clothes torn at but that’s it. A male corpse’s bare backside is show at a crime scene, if you’re into that sort of deal.
Language/Dialogue: About one thing that can be agreed upon is that both DeNiro & Pacino are involved, vulgarities will be prevalent. Plenty of F-word usage abounds, along with other choice words (Needle Dick?).
How bad was it?:
A Pacino film hasn’t been this universally panned since…well, 88 Minutes! Seriously, the reviews could be used in conjunction with McDonalds’ next promotion. “Find a positive review of Righteous Kill on your next Value Meal and win a free cookie!” Hey, it can’t be a million bucks because the odds would at least be 1 in 75. Regardless, **1/2 is about as glowing as a review can get for this flick.
Did it make the studio’s day?:
Overture Films & Millennium Films released the $60 million Righteous Kill on 9/12/08 (a year after principle photography finished) and saw it thud in a typically abysmal, post-Summer weekend in 3rd place with $16.3 million. It dropped out of the top 10 by the end of the month and is currently standing at $38.8 million (with an equally blah $2.9 million overseas gross tacked on, for a total of $41.7 million). This performance, despite mounds of hype ads proclaiming the teaming of the two leads for the first time in thirteen years. Although one can’t blame the studio for shamelessly plugging that angle for all its worth, did they really need to use The Rolling Stones’ “Sympathy for the Devil” during the early TV ads that were put out? C-mon, don’t give the audience’s hopes up by having them wax nostalgic for Scorsese. Some cinematic crimes SHOULD be punishable by law!
Film: **/*****
Entertainment value: ***/*****
Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.
believes the Nazis might be…RIGHT BEHIND THIS WALL! HOO-AHH!!!
Righteous Kill
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
DeNiro and Pacino. A time not too long ago, their upcoming roles were looked at as cinematic events upon themselves. Now, they’re on the short list of Frank Caliendo’s five best impersonations. As funny as those impersonations are (Pacino, particularly), its still a bit disheartening considering both are supposedly “the greatest actors of our generation”, to use a cliché. Many say the cracks started to show after Pacino belted his first “HOO-AHH!” or when DeNiro played the most unlikely Frankenstein ever (yes, even more unlikely than Peter Boyle). The last 10-15 years have seen both in high profile variations on the same act: Pacino screaming & bugged eyed and beyond reproach; DeNiro playing the same, Bickle-esque mook/psychopath. Sure, its still amusing at times & the two still branch out from time to time (Looking for Richard for Al, Wag the Dog for Bobby) but those were little seen tomes in their careers. The little time capsule that every film fanatic seems to hold on to is the pair’s six minute scene they share in Michael Mann’s epic Heat. I’m sure that every armchair director had to be thinking to themselves since the first time they saw that scene, “I wonder what a film would be like where they were together the whole movie!” Well, guess what? After seeing Righteous Kill, you won’t have to. And that’s a shame.
The Plot, as it was:
Al and Bobby play Rooster & Turk (and there is a reason for that), two veteran detectives of the NYPD that are your typical odd couple. Rooster’s the laconic type that watches the chips fall where they may, while Turk is the slightly bent, right all wrongs hardass that doesn’t go by the book. The duo is on the trail of a serial killer that seems to be offing people that both have busted over the years, only to see those people go free on a technicality. Everything seems par for the course until the possibility is brought up that it could be a cop doing the killing. All signs point to a “Turk”ey shoot but it can’t be that obvious, right? Right…?
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
I wish I could say Righteous Kill is just merely bad. I wish I could say that both leads break into their usual histrionics & take the viewer on an over the top show. It would be a lot easier than explaining the real reasons why RK fails to hit the mark. The main problem is everything is…just there. If not for the stature of the film’s leads, Kill could pass as a direct-to-DVD or TV movie, only with saltier language. Director Jon Avnet (88 Minutes, which was Pacino’s last vehicle) and writer Russell Gerwitz (Inside Man) infuse no life into well tread territory (aside from the obligatory, opening credit montage), as some better craftsmen would have at least made it seem somewhat fresh. Of course, they had two very capable leads to pick up the slack and…well, they were just there, too! DeNiro only wakes up every now and again, namely when the script calls for him to be angry. He approaches the old pro standard of “hitting the marks” but that’s about it, as he hardly does anything memorable. Pacino’s “crazy man” act only really shows up in the final third & even then, it seemed stunted. Any instances of resonance that the two add to their characters are few & far between. The scenes in which the two are together work well but the dynamic can only do so much. The story does no favors for the supporting cast, as serviceable work by Carla Gugino, John Leguizamo, Donnie Wahlberg, Brian Dennehy and even Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson, is totally wasted at every turn. The much criticized twist ending is decent at best but would have probably gone over better if it weren’t just trailed by 85 minutes of mediocrity. If Heat had never existed, Righteous Kill might have come off even better than it really is but probably not by much.
Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- Ajay Naidu (Samir in Office Space) is Dr. Chadrabar.
Body Count/Violence: 13. Being a standard cop thriller, this has standard cop thriller violence. Some bloody gunshots and after-the-fact corpses are the norm here, as well as a beating. One particular kill is punctuated by a very obvious dummy being tossed through a window.
Sexuality/Nudity: Sex and S&M fun is implied but not shown. Gugino is shown in her bra & Trilby Glover has her clothes torn at but that’s it. A male corpse’s bare backside is show at a crime scene, if you’re into that sort of deal.
Language/Dialogue: About one thing that can be agreed upon is that both DeNiro & Pacino are involved, vulgarities will be prevalent. Plenty of F-word usage abounds, along with other choice words (Needle Dick?).
How bad was it?:
A Pacino film hasn’t been this universally panned since…well, 88 Minutes! Seriously, the reviews could be used in conjunction with McDonalds’ next promotion. “Find a positive review of Righteous Kill on your next Value Meal and win a free cookie!” Hey, it can’t be a million bucks because the odds would at least be 1 in 75. Regardless, **1/2 is about as glowing as a review can get for this flick.
Did it make the studio’s day?:
Overture Films & Millennium Films released the $60 million Righteous Kill on 9/12/08 (a year after principle photography finished) and saw it thud in a typically abysmal, post-Summer weekend in 3rd place with $16.3 million. It dropped out of the top 10 by the end of the month and is currently standing at $38.8 million (with an equally blah $2.9 million overseas gross tacked on, for a total of $41.7 million). This performance, despite mounds of hype ads proclaiming the teaming of the two leads for the first time in thirteen years. Although one can’t blame the studio for shamelessly plugging that angle for all its worth, did they really need to use The Rolling Stones’ “Sympathy for the Devil” during the early TV ads that were put out? C-mon, don’t give the audience’s hopes up by having them wax nostalgic for Scorsese. Some cinematic crimes SHOULD be punishable by law!
Film: **/*****
Entertainment value: ***/*****
Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Return of the Kung Fu Dragon
The Action Mutant…
just found out what “Superman” means…and he’ll leave it at that.
Return of the Kung Fu Dragon
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
Seriously, I can’t follow the whole “Superman” thing. If you are unknowing about the “Superman” phenomenon (i.e. if you’re Caucasian), you might want to keep from Googling it. At least this won’t be one internet craze the people at Family Guy will jump on.
The Plot, as it was:
An evil ruler (Tsai Hung) and his army conquer the Kingdom of Phoenix Island, slaughtering the island’s three main warriors in the process. The offspring of the three deceased (Polly Kuan, Cheung Lik & Li Chung-Chien) are hidden away & are allowed to find each other nineteen years later. They team up then to gain revenge and take their land back, as lots of sorcery & swordplay follows.
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
The worst thing about Return of the Kung Fu Dragon is not the fact that its title has nothing to do with the film (c-mon, a guy in a stuffed dragon suit emerging from the sea & doing kung fu? Money, baby!). There’s trenchant dubbing, worse editing and the martial arts is not exactly on the level of Yuen Woo-Ping (or a hung over Yuen Woo-Ping…with one arm & a limp). Funny thing is none of those matters, for at merely 83 minutes, RotKFD rolls with all of those horrible, schlock trappings & makes for a fun time killer. A few bizarre touches are worth the mention, such as the running joke involving the evil ruler being constantly subdued by having his Pai Mei style beard always tied into objects, a la shoestrings. Or the Bjork-looking midget (Hsiao Wang) that I swore was an old woman at first & had me confused right up to his (her?) last scene. Fortunately, there was no Crying Game theatrics here. Speaking of theatrics, there are enough elaborate (yet cheap) sets & insanely gaudy costumes to go along with the operatic grandeur the flick builds up. It’s total costume melodrama, with over the top death scenes & corny dialogue galore and enough unnecessary plot twists thrown to show that the effort is there. And the costumes…good gravy, the costumes! One of the male heroes dresses like a centurion you would find in a Vegas casino, a bad guy has a big red bow in his hair & the Bjork midget looks like an Indian that wandered off of the Bonanza set! Everything is thrown into the cauldron for this one (dig the magic mirror & the burning gravel!), which means there are enough crudely imaginative elements to make Return of the Kung Fu Dragon strangely viewable at best. That is, if you’re a hardcore Fu junkie. If you’re a normal person, you might take a pass on it.
Body Count/Violence: 42. Lots of fighting & sword slashing in this one, with it getting bloody only every so often. Plus, there’s neck breaking, stabbing, flesh melting (though not graphic…more like flesh disappearing), hot pebble flinging (!) and more. One of the heroes does an honest-to-God, white man’s rana on a bad guy, which brought a warm smile to my face.
Sexuality/Nudity: None, though I dug Polly Kuan’s (Ma Chen Chen) conflicting time period costuming. Loved the green & white striped knee highs and the gold showgirl outfit!
Language/Dialogue: A few “bastards” and a really slurred “bitch”.
How bad was it?:
Very few reviews from critics on this one…and none that is all too positive. The IMDB feedback was very mixed for what little of it there was, though all of it mentioned the overall cheapness of the production.
Did it make the studio’s day?:
Though there is no studio listed, I assume one produced Return of the Kung Fu Dragon. One in Taiwan, which is where this was supposedly made. No budget/box office numbers are available and it is only available on DVD through a Martial Arts box set that includes the first two Street Fighter films & Fighting Mad.
Film: *1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ***1/2/*****
Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.
just found out what “Superman” means…and he’ll leave it at that.
Return of the Kung Fu Dragon
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
Seriously, I can’t follow the whole “Superman” thing. If you are unknowing about the “Superman” phenomenon (i.e. if you’re Caucasian), you might want to keep from Googling it. At least this won’t be one internet craze the people at Family Guy will jump on.
The Plot, as it was:
An evil ruler (Tsai Hung) and his army conquer the Kingdom of Phoenix Island, slaughtering the island’s three main warriors in the process. The offspring of the three deceased (Polly Kuan, Cheung Lik & Li Chung-Chien) are hidden away & are allowed to find each other nineteen years later. They team up then to gain revenge and take their land back, as lots of sorcery & swordplay follows.
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
The worst thing about Return of the Kung Fu Dragon is not the fact that its title has nothing to do with the film (c-mon, a guy in a stuffed dragon suit emerging from the sea & doing kung fu? Money, baby!). There’s trenchant dubbing, worse editing and the martial arts is not exactly on the level of Yuen Woo-Ping (or a hung over Yuen Woo-Ping…with one arm & a limp). Funny thing is none of those matters, for at merely 83 minutes, RotKFD rolls with all of those horrible, schlock trappings & makes for a fun time killer. A few bizarre touches are worth the mention, such as the running joke involving the evil ruler being constantly subdued by having his Pai Mei style beard always tied into objects, a la shoestrings. Or the Bjork-looking midget (Hsiao Wang) that I swore was an old woman at first & had me confused right up to his (her?) last scene. Fortunately, there was no Crying Game theatrics here. Speaking of theatrics, there are enough elaborate (yet cheap) sets & insanely gaudy costumes to go along with the operatic grandeur the flick builds up. It’s total costume melodrama, with over the top death scenes & corny dialogue galore and enough unnecessary plot twists thrown to show that the effort is there. And the costumes…good gravy, the costumes! One of the male heroes dresses like a centurion you would find in a Vegas casino, a bad guy has a big red bow in his hair & the Bjork midget looks like an Indian that wandered off of the Bonanza set! Everything is thrown into the cauldron for this one (dig the magic mirror & the burning gravel!), which means there are enough crudely imaginative elements to make Return of the Kung Fu Dragon strangely viewable at best. That is, if you’re a hardcore Fu junkie. If you’re a normal person, you might take a pass on it.
Body Count/Violence: 42. Lots of fighting & sword slashing in this one, with it getting bloody only every so often. Plus, there’s neck breaking, stabbing, flesh melting (though not graphic…more like flesh disappearing), hot pebble flinging (!) and more. One of the heroes does an honest-to-God, white man’s rana on a bad guy, which brought a warm smile to my face.
Sexuality/Nudity: None, though I dug Polly Kuan’s (Ma Chen Chen) conflicting time period costuming. Loved the green & white striped knee highs and the gold showgirl outfit!
Language/Dialogue: A few “bastards” and a really slurred “bitch”.
How bad was it?:
Very few reviews from critics on this one…and none that is all too positive. The IMDB feedback was very mixed for what little of it there was, though all of it mentioned the overall cheapness of the production.
Did it make the studio’s day?:
Though there is no studio listed, I assume one produced Return of the Kung Fu Dragon. One in Taiwan, which is where this was supposedly made. No budget/box office numbers are available and it is only available on DVD through a Martial Arts box set that includes the first two Street Fighter films & Fighting Mad.
Film: *1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ***1/2/*****
Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Day of the Wolves
The Action Mutant…
says “Goodnight, Mr. Walters!” (grumble).
Day of the Wolves
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
"You can only put away so much stuff in your closet". – Paul Newman.
Just gonna say a few quick, belated words about the recently deceased Paul Newman. By all counts, the guy fucking ruled it on screen. Cool Hand Luke is one of my favorite movies of all time; true proof that they don’t make films like that anymore. On the day after his death, I walk into the local FYE and they’re playing Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid. I just catch the infamous “cliff jumping” scene as I walk in and it instantly puts a smile on my face. There aren’t many scenes in film that can manage to be both hilariously twisted & heartwarming at the same time and that’s one of them. The thing I was most impressed with as I was reading up on him (other than being nominated for an Oscar ten times & winning once, for The Color of Money) was his philanthropic side. His “Newman’s Own” sauce company has raked in over $175 million in profits, which were all donated to charities. That’s pretty much a big middle finger to any celebrity that claims they’re charitable after donating a few thou with plenty of cameras around. Can you imagine the difference that would be made in third-world countries if every actor, athlete, millionaire, CEO, musician (Bono) & so called musician (Diddy) that could afford to give up $1 million for charity…would actually do it? This just reiterates my point that all of the great actor/celebrities are dying & there are very few that are worthy to move into place. I said it when Bronson died and I’ll say it now. Paul Newman had balls because he was an Actor’s actor & didn’t need to be surrounded by paparazzo or fall off the wagon like a spectacular, red haired, Herpes laden auto crash/turned Lesbo-cum political pundit (seriously, does anyone give two shits what Linds thinks about John McCain, a person she most likely heard of twenty minutes before having her publicist blog about him?) to gain attention. Face it, (as this film ends up proving) clowns is the real evil in humanity. Don’t believe me? Look at what’s been residing in the White House for the past eight years!
The Plot, as it was:
Jan Murray (History of the World: Part I) plays a bearded criminal mastermind that has seemingly concocted the perfect crime. He has enlisted six ex-cons (all bearded, as well being completely unaware of each other’s backgrounds) to train for the crime: the heisting of the small town of Wellerton! Designating each by number, the leader (No.1, natch) figures that by catching the sleepy town unaware, the gang will knock off the town’s banks & businesses without much trouble (as well as pocket about $50,000 a piece). Meanwhile, the town council just booted Pete Anderson (Richard Egan) from his spot as Sheriff after he busted one of the council member’s kids for reckless driving. Think they’ll have him on speed dial, just in case? Uh-oh!
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Despite sounding like a low rent, Canadian-wilderness adventure, Day of the Wolves is really a very low rent heist picture that is moderately better than that description suggests. Its concept makes it slightly more cerebral & ingratiating than one would expect and that’s the draw here, despite the fact that it’s very uniform in its storytelling & execution (no Reservoir Dogs style backtracking here). Most of it is very straightforward & is more about the buildup, as that takes up about 2/3 of the film’s running time and does a very fair (if unspectacular) job of getting the audience into the act. The cast of mainly amateur, unknown actors does well with the material, as the less melodramatic stuff does come off more like the grassroots filmmaking it is. Old pros Murray & Egan make the most of their roles and bring much needed credibility to the proceedings. Aside from the score by Sean Bonniwell (which is very guitar driven, very 70s & very kickass), the most memorable thing taken from DotW is its ending (Warning: other reviews of the film DO spoil the ending). While it’s not an earth shattering mindfuck of Sleepaway Camp proportions, it does put the previous 90 minutes into perspective & makes for a stellar conclusion (the last shot is priceless, IMO). At the end of the day, Day of the Wolves won’t break any hearts but it will provide a solidly told story & a decent fix for your crime genre gullet.
Body Count/Violence: 2. The low budget does stymie the mayhem somewhat, as the only two dead are done in by shotgun blasts. That particular shotgun battle in the town is actually pretty well done, considering the film’s production values (see below). There are some explosions & a beating or two thrown in but that’s about it. The flick is rated G but (as I’ve always thought) there is slight leeway in the film’s content.
Sexuality/Nudity: None.
Language/Dialogue: Very little. Maybe a “damn”, if that.
How bad was it?:
Most critics give DotW middling reviews & viewer feedback doesn’t go much higher than that. Most seem to agree that the twist at the end is the straw that stirs the drink.
Did it make the studio’s day?:
Thought there are no box office receipts to back up if it was a success, Day of the Wolves is certainly an early example of Independent filmmaking. Shot on a shoestring cost of $187,000 in the spring of 1971, DotW was filmed with a non-union crew that was comprised of professional actors & some of the townspeople of Lake Havasu, Arizona. Filmed entirely on location, the film touts the fact that they used live ammo during the gun battle after encountering trouble with the guns firing blanks! That’s hardcore! Day of the Wolves saw a few theaters in 1973 (produced by Balut Productions & released by Goldkey Entertainment) & sank into public domain, as well as some DVD Western compilations. A documentary on the making of the film (Return to Lake Havasu: The Making of ‘Day of the Wolves’) was released in 2008.
Film: **1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ***1/2/*****
Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.
says “Goodnight, Mr. Walters!” (grumble).
Day of the Wolves
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
"You can only put away so much stuff in your closet". – Paul Newman.
Just gonna say a few quick, belated words about the recently deceased Paul Newman. By all counts, the guy fucking ruled it on screen. Cool Hand Luke is one of my favorite movies of all time; true proof that they don’t make films like that anymore. On the day after his death, I walk into the local FYE and they’re playing Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid. I just catch the infamous “cliff jumping” scene as I walk in and it instantly puts a smile on my face. There aren’t many scenes in film that can manage to be both hilariously twisted & heartwarming at the same time and that’s one of them. The thing I was most impressed with as I was reading up on him (other than being nominated for an Oscar ten times & winning once, for The Color of Money) was his philanthropic side. His “Newman’s Own” sauce company has raked in over $175 million in profits, which were all donated to charities. That’s pretty much a big middle finger to any celebrity that claims they’re charitable after donating a few thou with plenty of cameras around. Can you imagine the difference that would be made in third-world countries if every actor, athlete, millionaire, CEO, musician (Bono) & so called musician (Diddy) that could afford to give up $1 million for charity…would actually do it? This just reiterates my point that all of the great actor/celebrities are dying & there are very few that are worthy to move into place. I said it when Bronson died and I’ll say it now. Paul Newman had balls because he was an Actor’s actor & didn’t need to be surrounded by paparazzo or fall off the wagon like a spectacular, red haired, Herpes laden auto crash/turned Lesbo-cum political pundit (seriously, does anyone give two shits what Linds thinks about John McCain, a person she most likely heard of twenty minutes before having her publicist blog about him?) to gain attention. Face it, (as this film ends up proving) clowns is the real evil in humanity. Don’t believe me? Look at what’s been residing in the White House for the past eight years!
The Plot, as it was:
Jan Murray (History of the World: Part I) plays a bearded criminal mastermind that has seemingly concocted the perfect crime. He has enlisted six ex-cons (all bearded, as well being completely unaware of each other’s backgrounds) to train for the crime: the heisting of the small town of Wellerton! Designating each by number, the leader (No.1, natch) figures that by catching the sleepy town unaware, the gang will knock off the town’s banks & businesses without much trouble (as well as pocket about $50,000 a piece). Meanwhile, the town council just booted Pete Anderson (Richard Egan) from his spot as Sheriff after he busted one of the council member’s kids for reckless driving. Think they’ll have him on speed dial, just in case? Uh-oh!
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Despite sounding like a low rent, Canadian-wilderness adventure, Day of the Wolves is really a very low rent heist picture that is moderately better than that description suggests. Its concept makes it slightly more cerebral & ingratiating than one would expect and that’s the draw here, despite the fact that it’s very uniform in its storytelling & execution (no Reservoir Dogs style backtracking here). Most of it is very straightforward & is more about the buildup, as that takes up about 2/3 of the film’s running time and does a very fair (if unspectacular) job of getting the audience into the act. The cast of mainly amateur, unknown actors does well with the material, as the less melodramatic stuff does come off more like the grassroots filmmaking it is. Old pros Murray & Egan make the most of their roles and bring much needed credibility to the proceedings. Aside from the score by Sean Bonniwell (which is very guitar driven, very 70s & very kickass), the most memorable thing taken from DotW is its ending (Warning: other reviews of the film DO spoil the ending). While it’s not an earth shattering mindfuck of Sleepaway Camp proportions, it does put the previous 90 minutes into perspective & makes for a stellar conclusion (the last shot is priceless, IMO). At the end of the day, Day of the Wolves won’t break any hearts but it will provide a solidly told story & a decent fix for your crime genre gullet.
Body Count/Violence: 2. The low budget does stymie the mayhem somewhat, as the only two dead are done in by shotgun blasts. That particular shotgun battle in the town is actually pretty well done, considering the film’s production values (see below). There are some explosions & a beating or two thrown in but that’s about it. The flick is rated G but (as I’ve always thought) there is slight leeway in the film’s content.
Sexuality/Nudity: None.
Language/Dialogue: Very little. Maybe a “damn”, if that.
How bad was it?:
Most critics give DotW middling reviews & viewer feedback doesn’t go much higher than that. Most seem to agree that the twist at the end is the straw that stirs the drink.
Did it make the studio’s day?:
Thought there are no box office receipts to back up if it was a success, Day of the Wolves is certainly an early example of Independent filmmaking. Shot on a shoestring cost of $187,000 in the spring of 1971, DotW was filmed with a non-union crew that was comprised of professional actors & some of the townspeople of Lake Havasu, Arizona. Filmed entirely on location, the film touts the fact that they used live ammo during the gun battle after encountering trouble with the guns firing blanks! That’s hardcore! Day of the Wolves saw a few theaters in 1973 (produced by Balut Productions & released by Goldkey Entertainment) & sank into public domain, as well as some DVD Western compilations. A documentary on the making of the film (Return to Lake Havasu: The Making of ‘Day of the Wolves’) was released in 2008.
Film: **1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ***1/2/*****
Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.
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