The Action Mutant…
thinks this film should have been used for Robert Blake’s insanity defense.
Money Train
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
So, you’re a film producer that just saw Harrelson and Snipes rake it in big in White Men Can’t Jump. You know that getting them into another film vehicle while this one is still fresh in people’s minds is imperative for the bottom line. So, a film is conceived that brings both actors together and puts them in fairly wacky situations. Hell, you even put in another spunky Latina (Rosie Perez then; Jennifer Lopez now) into the mix! And you get a character actor for credibility named Robert Blake, because you know he’ll always be of stable mind and never flake out at anytime. Sounds like a winner to me, right….right?
The Plot, as it was:
Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson play John and Charlie, two NYC transit cops that are also brothers…through adoption, of course. John is the straight laced one, who is often bailing Charlie out of jams that mainly have to do with large gambling debts to the mob. When they aren’t trying to bring down an arsonist (Chris Cooper) that sets fire to subway ticket booths, they’re fighting over the affections of a new officer named Grace (Lopez). However, Charlie thinks everything will work out fine when he figures out a plan for him and John to rip off the “money train”, the train that picks up the daily haul of subway tokens in NYC and takes them to their final stop. However, they have to do it under the watch of Donald Patterson (Blake), the train’s surly supervisor that could care less about the two or anyone else that messes with his train!
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
I’m sure some reviewer out there has used the phrase “token entertainment” when it comes to describing Money Train. In other words, it is being offered to the consumer as a symbol of entertainment in its leanest of forms, with very little substance to accompany it. You know what the sad part is? It barely even qualifies as THAT! Anyone expecting an immense amount of laughs from the star duo and an equal amount of action from the movie will be disappointed on both grounds. Though both share a few amusing moments, each scene with Wesley & Woody seems to follow the same dialogue. “Charlie, how could you fuck up again?” “I know, John…I’m a fuck up.” “Yeah, but we’re brothers, right?” “Yeah, we’re brothers alright!” And someone will come up and say “But you two look nothing alike!” and we’re supposed to have a hearty laugh. The thing is this goes on for almost ¾ of the film’s duration, as the two stars’ charisma can only carry the film so far. Aside from some confrontations with Cooper’s Torch character (which made this film much more controversial than it deserved to be when some kook imitated the Torch’s screen actions to deadly results), there’s no train action to speak of and the process of robbing said “money train” isn’t tackled until close to the 90 minute mark. Until then, the audience is just treated to one tired situation after another with only some loosely connected plot to connect it along. Lopez adds nothing more than another adaptation of the spunky Latina persona she would carry into film and music. Blake is all fun snarl and piss, chewing up the scenery and ready to spit it out like bile. His distinction as the villain is sketchy at best because it is at its most manufactured. Charlie and John’s decisions in the finale directly puts hundreds of people’s lives at stake (due to their own greed, or wanting to dig their way out of the working class drudges, as it’s passed off as), yet Patterson is the default villain simply because he declares he doesn’t care if anyone dies in his efforts to stop the train robbery. Sure, he’s a souring, dickish hardass that has an unhealthy obsession with his work but he wouldn’t have made the comments had the robbery not commenced in the first place. In other words, a better screenplay would have crafted a better story and made a more credible villain, instead of the manufactured laziness brought about by the need for sheer profitability. Well, at least the train crash was nice.
Body Count/Violence: 3. The number is low because the action only shows up a few more times than that. We’re mostly talking fistfights between the two leads, though Snipes does mess up some mobsters and puts one through a window in one scene. There’s also some shooting, people being set on fire and/or being run down by trains and the aforementioned train wreck finale, which not only looks great but encapsulates what the flick is in one fell swoop.
Sexuality/Nudity: Lopez shows her breasts in a sex scene, which also showcases Snipes hard, chocolate build (no, I’m not gay but ask any guy who their “man crush” is and I’m sure Wesley Snipes is in most of their top 5s.). And no, she does not show the voluptuous ass that helped her career out more than any other ass in history. There’s also a scene in a strip club with gals in pretty skimpy outfits.
Language/Dialogue: Pretty strong, or as the MPAA puts it, “pervasive”.
How bad was it?:
About 80% of the reviews I read thoroughly trashed it, mentioning everything from it not being original, engrossing or even funny. The funniest criticism may have come from Blake himself on The Late Late Show with Tom Snyder on 7/8/98. He stated, “I’ll never do a ‘Money Train’ again…what an epic! ‘Oh, where’s Mr. Blake?...get him in an hour and a half so he can do 30 seconds of footage!” And that statement certainly had nothing to do with ego, as he earlier claimed “I don’t need a (audition) tape. If you want my picture, let a photographer take a picture of horse manure”. Priceless.
Did it make the studio’s day?:
This is where it gets fun. Produced and distributed by Columbia Pictures for a budget of $68 million, Money Train opened on 11/24/95 disastrously in 4th place with $10.6 million. It had the displeasure of not only going against the newly opening Toy Story but against fairly new performers GoldenEye and Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls. It finished in the same position the next weekend and finished the year barely in the top 20. The film finished its run with a paltry gross of $35.4 million, probably leaving Robert Blake hoping Tony Musante would have gotten his role in the film instead.
Film: *1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ***/*****
Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Urban Justice
The Action Mutant…
would hate to call himself Seagal’s dietician.
Urban Justice
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
In looking over Steven Seagal’s IMDB page recently, I was reminded of the fact that he is a vegetarian. As Jim Rome would say…”He’s a vegetarian…allegedly”. I mean, he could be; nothing’s totally out of question. All I’m saying is that must by a hell of a lot of tofu and French fried potaters going into the man on a regular basis. In seeing one of the big man’s latest direct to DVD opuses, it was a little depressing to see him wheeze and lumber through his scenes. It’s also made more depressing by the fact that Seagal’s current state resembles the state of Action films that we once knew. Just direct to DVD fodder that doesn’t get a second look because people would rather play with shinier looking toys. Hopefully, everyone’s favorite wrist snapper will be back in theaters soon, flaunting his chunky physique and equally heavy persona. As an aside, he does have a role in The Onion Movie (whenever it comes out) entitled “Cock Puncher”. How apropos!
The Plot, as it was:
Seagal is Simon Ballister, a man brought out of hiding to attend the funeral of his son. The younger Ballister was a cop that was gunned down in a drive by some gang bangers so Papa decides to return to his old neighborhood to do some interrogating. Of course, Simon’s version of questioning involves lots of busted heads and balls, which raises the ire of gang leader Armand (Eddie Griffith). However, Simon won’t stop until he finds the people responsible, even if it’s not who it seems.
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
The first thing noticeable about Urban Justice is Seagal’s current stature. Unless you have been under a substantially sized rock for the past five years or so, you know that Seagal has packed on the poundage. This has led to our hero’s fight scenes being shot a bit differently than before. Whereas the earlier efforts showed the fights in a wide scope with every action on display, director Don E. Fauntleroy (now THAT’S a name!) films them with fast cuts and more close ups on the blows themselves. In other words, because of the quick editing, you don’t see Seagal move very much because…well, it’s not 1990 anymore. This device leaves the fights with very little impact and they lack the visceral punch that Seagal’s earlier stuff used to have. Other than the obvious (familiar story, cardboard characters, etc.), there’s also Seagal’s “urban” accent that is employed throughout. Usually, he doesn’t have to put much effort into sounding tough or streetwise but then again he’s usually in a Northeastern setting. Set in L.A., Seagal tries to talk the West Coast version of “street” and it comes off more like old time grappler Dusty Rhodes, without the trademark lisp (make a drinking game of every time Simon yells “Who killed my sonnnnnnnnn!”). It’s a little embarrassing but it does bring the viewer back to the notion that this flick is closer to an original Seagal romp than his last few DtoDVD films have been. The second half offers up more time for the big guy to move around and do some of his trademark hell-raising, which manages to liven things up enough for a viewable (if familiar) conclusion. In addition, his character isn’t a Superman-like cop/agent or anything so his physical limitations actually ground the character and just makes him an asskicker on a mission. Along with an occasionally amusing turn by Griffith, you have a passable 96 minute time killer that feels like a time warp that you may find welcome (or not).
Body Count/Violence: 38. Jesus Christ Supercop, the blood that is in this flick! The squibs are about the bloodiest I’ve seen since I reviewed State of Grace, as they resemble someone getting a cannon-full of Kool Aid shot out of their ribcage. It goes without saying that mostly everyone is taken out by gunfire, mainly from Stevie’s pistol or sniper rifle. Our slower, meatier hero doesn’t get into many prolonged scuffles to start out (with the editing mentioned before) but the finale should bring a warmness to any fan’s heart. Its old school Seagal as he mixes the artillery with knives to the neck, neck snapping, limb twisting, tosses through furniture and walls, etc. This film may also contain the most kicks to the balls in a Seagal effort in quite some time.
Sexuality/Nudity: There are two lingerie clad beauties at Armand’s palace but there’s not much else.
Language/Dialogue: Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if someone told me 70% of the script contained Fs, MFs, F’n MF’rs, F you up your mom’s A with a spiked D…you catch my drift. It’s all pretty constant, with my favorite line coming from Seagal after store clerk Alice (Carmen Serano) tells him he’s just as bad as the gang bangers: “No…I’m a lot fuckin’ worse!”
How bad was it?:
If you read a critic that doesn’t like Seagal’s movies (i.e. about 98% of them), then most likely they have a negative review for this as well. Action critics seem to be mixed on whether this is one of the better of his recent tales.
Did it make the studio’s day?:
Once considered a candidate for a theatrical release by Screen Gems, Urban Justice was made on a $12 million budget and released on DVD by Sony Pictures Home Entertainment on 11/13/07. It debuted 34th on the DVD rental charts that week, clearing $1.1 million (in comparison, Shrek the Third cleared $10 million more). It was last seen on the Top 50 DVD Rental chart two weeks later, with a total gross of $2.7 million. Needless to say, it may take a while to clear a profit in America though the foreign markets will most likely take care of that.
Film: **/*****
Entertainment value: ***1/2/*****
Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.
would hate to call himself Seagal’s dietician.
Urban Justice
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
In looking over Steven Seagal’s IMDB page recently, I was reminded of the fact that he is a vegetarian. As Jim Rome would say…”He’s a vegetarian…allegedly”. I mean, he could be; nothing’s totally out of question. All I’m saying is that must by a hell of a lot of tofu and French fried potaters going into the man on a regular basis. In seeing one of the big man’s latest direct to DVD opuses, it was a little depressing to see him wheeze and lumber through his scenes. It’s also made more depressing by the fact that Seagal’s current state resembles the state of Action films that we once knew. Just direct to DVD fodder that doesn’t get a second look because people would rather play with shinier looking toys. Hopefully, everyone’s favorite wrist snapper will be back in theaters soon, flaunting his chunky physique and equally heavy persona. As an aside, he does have a role in The Onion Movie (whenever it comes out) entitled “Cock Puncher”. How apropos!
The Plot, as it was:
Seagal is Simon Ballister, a man brought out of hiding to attend the funeral of his son. The younger Ballister was a cop that was gunned down in a drive by some gang bangers so Papa decides to return to his old neighborhood to do some interrogating. Of course, Simon’s version of questioning involves lots of busted heads and balls, which raises the ire of gang leader Armand (Eddie Griffith). However, Simon won’t stop until he finds the people responsible, even if it’s not who it seems.
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
The first thing noticeable about Urban Justice is Seagal’s current stature. Unless you have been under a substantially sized rock for the past five years or so, you know that Seagal has packed on the poundage. This has led to our hero’s fight scenes being shot a bit differently than before. Whereas the earlier efforts showed the fights in a wide scope with every action on display, director Don E. Fauntleroy (now THAT’S a name!) films them with fast cuts and more close ups on the blows themselves. In other words, because of the quick editing, you don’t see Seagal move very much because…well, it’s not 1990 anymore. This device leaves the fights with very little impact and they lack the visceral punch that Seagal’s earlier stuff used to have. Other than the obvious (familiar story, cardboard characters, etc.), there’s also Seagal’s “urban” accent that is employed throughout. Usually, he doesn’t have to put much effort into sounding tough or streetwise but then again he’s usually in a Northeastern setting. Set in L.A., Seagal tries to talk the West Coast version of “street” and it comes off more like old time grappler Dusty Rhodes, without the trademark lisp (make a drinking game of every time Simon yells “Who killed my sonnnnnnnnn!”). It’s a little embarrassing but it does bring the viewer back to the notion that this flick is closer to an original Seagal romp than his last few DtoDVD films have been. The second half offers up more time for the big guy to move around and do some of his trademark hell-raising, which manages to liven things up enough for a viewable (if familiar) conclusion. In addition, his character isn’t a Superman-like cop/agent or anything so his physical limitations actually ground the character and just makes him an asskicker on a mission. Along with an occasionally amusing turn by Griffith, you have a passable 96 minute time killer that feels like a time warp that you may find welcome (or not).
Body Count/Violence: 38. Jesus Christ Supercop, the blood that is in this flick! The squibs are about the bloodiest I’ve seen since I reviewed State of Grace, as they resemble someone getting a cannon-full of Kool Aid shot out of their ribcage. It goes without saying that mostly everyone is taken out by gunfire, mainly from Stevie’s pistol or sniper rifle. Our slower, meatier hero doesn’t get into many prolonged scuffles to start out (with the editing mentioned before) but the finale should bring a warmness to any fan’s heart. Its old school Seagal as he mixes the artillery with knives to the neck, neck snapping, limb twisting, tosses through furniture and walls, etc. This film may also contain the most kicks to the balls in a Seagal effort in quite some time.
Sexuality/Nudity: There are two lingerie clad beauties at Armand’s palace but there’s not much else.
Language/Dialogue: Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if someone told me 70% of the script contained Fs, MFs, F’n MF’rs, F you up your mom’s A with a spiked D…you catch my drift. It’s all pretty constant, with my favorite line coming from Seagal after store clerk Alice (Carmen Serano) tells him he’s just as bad as the gang bangers: “No…I’m a lot fuckin’ worse!”
How bad was it?:
If you read a critic that doesn’t like Seagal’s movies (i.e. about 98% of them), then most likely they have a negative review for this as well. Action critics seem to be mixed on whether this is one of the better of his recent tales.
Did it make the studio’s day?:
Once considered a candidate for a theatrical release by Screen Gems, Urban Justice was made on a $12 million budget and released on DVD by Sony Pictures Home Entertainment on 11/13/07. It debuted 34th on the DVD rental charts that week, clearing $1.1 million (in comparison, Shrek the Third cleared $10 million more). It was last seen on the Top 50 DVD Rental chart two weeks later, with a total gross of $2.7 million. Needless to say, it may take a while to clear a profit in America though the foreign markets will most likely take care of that.
Film: **/*****
Entertainment value: ***1/2/*****
Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.
True Romance (Unrated Director's Cut)
The Action Mutant…
says Cheaters is the greatest show in existence!
True Romance
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
You know how people get all indignant when an artist covers a song they think has no business being covered? Funny thing is that it never stops anyone from trying. The Beatles’ “Yesterday” is the most covered pop song of all time, the works of Shakespeare have been constantly reworked and Gus Van Sant still managed to get work after his 1998 carbon copy of Psycho. Such is the director Tony Scott, an auteur who has sailed the range from slightly praised (Man on Fire) to maligned (Domino) to wildly over-praised (Top Gun…Gayest…Movie…EVER!). So, were things fine with everyone when the man that used to reside in Ridley Scott’s shadow directed the script of who would soon become the hottest Hollywood entity in ages? Well, the fact that the Quentin Tarantino penned True Romance is still talked about to this day kind of shows it has stood the test of time.
The Plot, As It Was:
Christian Slater (remember that guy?) plays Clarence Worley, a hapless Detroit comic book store clerk who gets the ultimate birthday present: a hooker named Alabama who looks like Patricia Arquette (played by…Patricia Arquette!). Despite the odd convergence, the two fall in love and get married literally days later. In cutting off all of Alabama’s old ties, Clarence is mentored by the image of Elvis (Val Kilmer!) to go kill Alabama’s scummy pimp Drexl (Gary Oldman). After blowing Drexl away, Clarence accidentally grabs a suitcase with $500,000 worth of coke in it. The couple decides to drive out to Hollywood to sell the coke for cheap, using a clueless actor wannabe (Michael Rapaport) and his friend (Bronson Pinchot) as the links to an abrasive producer (Saul Rubinek). However, their tracks aren’t well covered and they are pursued by the mob and the police, culminating in the requisite bloody finale.
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
I tend to be a bit Tarantino biased, since Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction were very influential in formulating my view of how far film could go. He may have been (rightly at times) raked over the coals many a time since then and his style may have been copied more times than the Pamela/Tommy sex tape but one cannot deny that he knows how to milk cinema’s conventions to its max. Even though he didn’t direct his work (he sold the script to help finance Reservoir Dogs), Tony Scott manages to form this film into quality, balls out entertainment. Everyone is on their game and giving a performance that is distinctively different from the next. Slater and Arquette make a great duo and lead a monstrous cast, including Dennis Hopper as Clarence’s dad, Christopher Walken as a mob boss, Rubinek as the film producer, Chris Penn & Tom Sizemore as two volatile cops and Brad Pitt as the ultimate “guy on the couch”. Oldman does another great chameleon act as Drexl, as he goes far with his accent and sleazy look in such a short amount of screen time. The film is populated by several memorable scenes (who have not attempted memorizing that verbal sparring match between Walken and Hopper?) and an undercurrent of retro-weirdness that may be just what you’re looking for (or it may turn you off, who knows?). On the down slope, the story is nothing new and one could argue that Scott over-slicked things a bit much (which is the risk run when your story gets sold). However, TR scores on sheer entertainment value, even if it’s not for all tastes.
Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- Michael Beach (TV’s Third Watch) plays the black policeman during the final shootout.
- Though he’s not credited, hall of fame action heavy Ed Lauter plays the police captain.
- Jack Black appears in a deleted scene as a movie theater attendant (check the DVD for that one).
Body Count/Violence: 21. Everyone is shot to death in spectacular, blood splattering fashion (and often in slo-mo). The film isn’t consistently violent but gets very brutal when the time comes. Drexl’s dispatching and the Walken/Hopper scene are pretty gory but the scene that gets buried into my mind every time is the no holds barred bloodbath between Alabama and the ice cold hitman Virgil (James Gandolfini).
For the better part of five minutes, Virgil pummels Alabama mercilessly into a bloody mess. After throwing her through a plate glass shower curtain, she fights back and ultimately kills Virgil after setting him on fire, stabbing him in the spine with a wine bottle opener and shooting him repeatedly with his own shotgun. I point this scene out because this one lingers on the carnage for quite sometime, which makes it pretty disturbing. What’s even more disturbing is what the MPAA objected to, as it wasn’t so much Virgil’s beating of Alabama as it was her revenge (not quoting exactly but I believe they said they felt it turned her into “too much of a savage”). How fucked up is THAT?!? My guess is that the MPAA’s collective cock shrunk at the sight of a woman employing her own revenge. Utter ridiculousness.
Sexuality/Nudity: Slater and Arquette have a sex scene near the start, where her breasts and his butt are briefly glimpsed. They also do the nasty in a telephone booth and though nothing is seen, it’s implied pretty roughly. Arquette dresses in some pretty revealing outfits, like any self respecting movie hooker does.
Language/Dialogue: According to IMDB, the F bomb is dropped a good 225 times, so it’s safe to say its Tarantino’s script. There’s a bunch of other language as well, both profane and sexual (like when Sam Jackson says “pussy” seemingly ten times in one sentence). And NO ONE says “cocksucker” quite like Saul Rubinek!
How bad was it?:
Much like one of its inspirations (Bonnie and Clyde), TR wasn’t praised by critics initially. Of course, Tarantino became the hottest thing in H-Wood and, within a few years, many who had originally panned it were suddenly kissing QT’s ass and saying it is his great lost work. Most reviews still remain mixed and some don’t like just because the man himself is not at the helm, which I feel is a great mistake.
Did it make the studio’s day?:
Warner Bros. had the temerity to release TR on 9/10/93, one week after its blockbuster The Fugitive brought in $17.2 million its opening weekend. It debuted in 4th and never really had a chance after that, slipping down into 11th before being taken out to pasture. Made on a $12 million budget, TR barely equaled its cost in its original run, though it has been quite the video seller since Tarantino’s name grew.
Film: ****/*****
Entertainment value: *****/*****
Copyright 2007 The Action Mutant.
says Cheaters is the greatest show in existence!
True Romance
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
You know how people get all indignant when an artist covers a song they think has no business being covered? Funny thing is that it never stops anyone from trying. The Beatles’ “Yesterday” is the most covered pop song of all time, the works of Shakespeare have been constantly reworked and Gus Van Sant still managed to get work after his 1998 carbon copy of Psycho. Such is the director Tony Scott, an auteur who has sailed the range from slightly praised (Man on Fire) to maligned (Domino) to wildly over-praised (Top Gun…Gayest…Movie…EVER!). So, were things fine with everyone when the man that used to reside in Ridley Scott’s shadow directed the script of who would soon become the hottest Hollywood entity in ages? Well, the fact that the Quentin Tarantino penned True Romance is still talked about to this day kind of shows it has stood the test of time.
The Plot, As It Was:
Christian Slater (remember that guy?) plays Clarence Worley, a hapless Detroit comic book store clerk who gets the ultimate birthday present: a hooker named Alabama who looks like Patricia Arquette (played by…Patricia Arquette!). Despite the odd convergence, the two fall in love and get married literally days later. In cutting off all of Alabama’s old ties, Clarence is mentored by the image of Elvis (Val Kilmer!) to go kill Alabama’s scummy pimp Drexl (Gary Oldman). After blowing Drexl away, Clarence accidentally grabs a suitcase with $500,000 worth of coke in it. The couple decides to drive out to Hollywood to sell the coke for cheap, using a clueless actor wannabe (Michael Rapaport) and his friend (Bronson Pinchot) as the links to an abrasive producer (Saul Rubinek). However, their tracks aren’t well covered and they are pursued by the mob and the police, culminating in the requisite bloody finale.
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
I tend to be a bit Tarantino biased, since Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction were very influential in formulating my view of how far film could go. He may have been (rightly at times) raked over the coals many a time since then and his style may have been copied more times than the Pamela/Tommy sex tape but one cannot deny that he knows how to milk cinema’s conventions to its max. Even though he didn’t direct his work (he sold the script to help finance Reservoir Dogs), Tony Scott manages to form this film into quality, balls out entertainment. Everyone is on their game and giving a performance that is distinctively different from the next. Slater and Arquette make a great duo and lead a monstrous cast, including Dennis Hopper as Clarence’s dad, Christopher Walken as a mob boss, Rubinek as the film producer, Chris Penn & Tom Sizemore as two volatile cops and Brad Pitt as the ultimate “guy on the couch”. Oldman does another great chameleon act as Drexl, as he goes far with his accent and sleazy look in such a short amount of screen time. The film is populated by several memorable scenes (who have not attempted memorizing that verbal sparring match between Walken and Hopper?) and an undercurrent of retro-weirdness that may be just what you’re looking for (or it may turn you off, who knows?). On the down slope, the story is nothing new and one could argue that Scott over-slicked things a bit much (which is the risk run when your story gets sold). However, TR scores on sheer entertainment value, even if it’s not for all tastes.
Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- Michael Beach (TV’s Third Watch) plays the black policeman during the final shootout.
- Though he’s not credited, hall of fame action heavy Ed Lauter plays the police captain.
- Jack Black appears in a deleted scene as a movie theater attendant (check the DVD for that one).
Body Count/Violence: 21. Everyone is shot to death in spectacular, blood splattering fashion (and often in slo-mo). The film isn’t consistently violent but gets very brutal when the time comes. Drexl’s dispatching and the Walken/Hopper scene are pretty gory but the scene that gets buried into my mind every time is the no holds barred bloodbath between Alabama and the ice cold hitman Virgil (James Gandolfini).
For the better part of five minutes, Virgil pummels Alabama mercilessly into a bloody mess. After throwing her through a plate glass shower curtain, she fights back and ultimately kills Virgil after setting him on fire, stabbing him in the spine with a wine bottle opener and shooting him repeatedly with his own shotgun. I point this scene out because this one lingers on the carnage for quite sometime, which makes it pretty disturbing. What’s even more disturbing is what the MPAA objected to, as it wasn’t so much Virgil’s beating of Alabama as it was her revenge (not quoting exactly but I believe they said they felt it turned her into “too much of a savage”). How fucked up is THAT?!? My guess is that the MPAA’s collective cock shrunk at the sight of a woman employing her own revenge. Utter ridiculousness.
Sexuality/Nudity: Slater and Arquette have a sex scene near the start, where her breasts and his butt are briefly glimpsed. They also do the nasty in a telephone booth and though nothing is seen, it’s implied pretty roughly. Arquette dresses in some pretty revealing outfits, like any self respecting movie hooker does.
Language/Dialogue: According to IMDB, the F bomb is dropped a good 225 times, so it’s safe to say its Tarantino’s script. There’s a bunch of other language as well, both profane and sexual (like when Sam Jackson says “pussy” seemingly ten times in one sentence). And NO ONE says “cocksucker” quite like Saul Rubinek!
How bad was it?:
Much like one of its inspirations (Bonnie and Clyde), TR wasn’t praised by critics initially. Of course, Tarantino became the hottest thing in H-Wood and, within a few years, many who had originally panned it were suddenly kissing QT’s ass and saying it is his great lost work. Most reviews still remain mixed and some don’t like just because the man himself is not at the helm, which I feel is a great mistake.
Did it make the studio’s day?:
Warner Bros. had the temerity to release TR on 9/10/93, one week after its blockbuster The Fugitive brought in $17.2 million its opening weekend. It debuted in 4th and never really had a chance after that, slipping down into 11th before being taken out to pasture. Made on a $12 million budget, TR barely equaled its cost in its original run, though it has been quite the video seller since Tarantino’s name grew.
Film: ****/*****
Entertainment value: *****/*****
Copyright 2007 The Action Mutant.
Tripfall
The Action Mutant…
lives to inform people about absolute dreck like this!
TripFall
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
Funny anecdote time: In a screenwriting class I took, a classmate unknowingly named one of his supporting characters in an upcoming project “Eric Roberts”. This provided a few laughs, as the rest of us clued him in on what was so funny. What followed was an impromptu session of naming Eric Roberts films at random (along with his recent music video work with The Killers and Mariah Carey). Though I named such trash opuses of his, such as Star 80 and The Specialist, I’m sorry I didn’t know of this film at the time. Then I would have had my “Eric Roberts in dreads” reference. Hey, I had to take something from the film!
The Plot, as it was:
Tom and Gina (John Ritter and Rachel Hunter) go on a family vacation with their two kids somewhere in California. Dad’s an overworked business exec and Mom’s the undersexed, annoyed housewife. The kids are annoying as per usual, which leads to everyone having a tense time to begin with. While at the pool, the family meets Eddie & Lonnie (the aforementioned Mr. Roberts and Katy Boyer) and his brother (Ken Palmer). Of course, everyone’s nice at first but it’s only a matter of time before the family is taken hostage. You see, Eddie (or “Mr. Eddie”, as he’s referred to) and his gang take rich families hostage, rob them and off them afterwards. They want all of Tom’s savings ($1.2 million) but it’s never that simple. Mind games abound as Tom and kin try to escape the whim of a madman…a white madman with dreadlocks.
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
The IMDB lists the genre as Thriller, though that’s being generous. It was actually a Borer (oh yeah, I went there). Early in the film, Tom’s son tells Dad that he’s a “real cornball” in what sounds like a stereotypical New Yawker drawl (just in that line, though…weird). I bring this up because I could not remember another memorable line of dialogue in the entire thing! The film just moved from one boring “Can I trust you?” moment to the next. I mean, God rest his soul and all but I did not buy John Ritter as an “action hero” and never would. Remember his teaming with Jim Belushi in Real Men? I didn’t figure you did. Anyway, that film was parodying action films, with one of the obvious gags being that Ritter would be one of the last guys you could imagine holding a gun. Here we have a man who looks as intimidating as Garth Brooks against a man with a ridiculous hairstyle who looks equally as intimidating. I realize Roberts is a “method actor” but who ever got in his ear that having dreads was a good idea deserves major ridicule. He does manage to chew the scenery with his Southern accent and adds a modicum of interests to the proceedings. Unfortunately, he’s the only real reason to watch this swill. There are one or so tense moments but director Serge Rodunsky paces this like a bowling match on a tar surface and doesn’t manage to milk his scenes for any excitement or punch they could provide. Oh, and the ending seems to be a bit of a copout. You’re welcome.
Body Count/Violence: 9. Mr. Eddie does have the novelty of taking an ice pick to the back of his victim’s skulls and reducing them to jelly. He does this a few times and, though it’s not real bloody, it is at least interesting. The rest is the usual shooting and car chases, which come off average.
Sexuality/Nudity: No Rachel Hunter nudity, so that will probably make your decision a lot easier at the local video outlet. We get some topless strip club action though because the director had to get tits in there to wake us up at some point.
Language/Dialogue: Yeah. I guess. I told you, I can’t remember any lines.
How bad was it?: The two reviews at IMDB were scathing at best. This Serge guy hasn’t exactly had a storied career.
Did it make the studio’s day?: It was supposedly released on video in the U.S. by MTI on 6/27/00. I’m sure the rush at Blockbuster was tremendous.
Film: */*****
Entertainment value: *1/2/*****
Copyright 2007 The Action Mutant.
lives to inform people about absolute dreck like this!
TripFall
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
Funny anecdote time: In a screenwriting class I took, a classmate unknowingly named one of his supporting characters in an upcoming project “Eric Roberts”. This provided a few laughs, as the rest of us clued him in on what was so funny. What followed was an impromptu session of naming Eric Roberts films at random (along with his recent music video work with The Killers and Mariah Carey). Though I named such trash opuses of his, such as Star 80 and The Specialist, I’m sorry I didn’t know of this film at the time. Then I would have had my “Eric Roberts in dreads” reference. Hey, I had to take something from the film!
The Plot, as it was:
Tom and Gina (John Ritter and Rachel Hunter) go on a family vacation with their two kids somewhere in California. Dad’s an overworked business exec and Mom’s the undersexed, annoyed housewife. The kids are annoying as per usual, which leads to everyone having a tense time to begin with. While at the pool, the family meets Eddie & Lonnie (the aforementioned Mr. Roberts and Katy Boyer) and his brother (Ken Palmer). Of course, everyone’s nice at first but it’s only a matter of time before the family is taken hostage. You see, Eddie (or “Mr. Eddie”, as he’s referred to) and his gang take rich families hostage, rob them and off them afterwards. They want all of Tom’s savings ($1.2 million) but it’s never that simple. Mind games abound as Tom and kin try to escape the whim of a madman…a white madman with dreadlocks.
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
The IMDB lists the genre as Thriller, though that’s being generous. It was actually a Borer (oh yeah, I went there). Early in the film, Tom’s son tells Dad that he’s a “real cornball” in what sounds like a stereotypical New Yawker drawl (just in that line, though…weird). I bring this up because I could not remember another memorable line of dialogue in the entire thing! The film just moved from one boring “Can I trust you?” moment to the next. I mean, God rest his soul and all but I did not buy John Ritter as an “action hero” and never would. Remember his teaming with Jim Belushi in Real Men? I didn’t figure you did. Anyway, that film was parodying action films, with one of the obvious gags being that Ritter would be one of the last guys you could imagine holding a gun. Here we have a man who looks as intimidating as Garth Brooks against a man with a ridiculous hairstyle who looks equally as intimidating. I realize Roberts is a “method actor” but who ever got in his ear that having dreads was a good idea deserves major ridicule. He does manage to chew the scenery with his Southern accent and adds a modicum of interests to the proceedings. Unfortunately, he’s the only real reason to watch this swill. There are one or so tense moments but director Serge Rodunsky paces this like a bowling match on a tar surface and doesn’t manage to milk his scenes for any excitement or punch they could provide. Oh, and the ending seems to be a bit of a copout. You’re welcome.
Body Count/Violence: 9. Mr. Eddie does have the novelty of taking an ice pick to the back of his victim’s skulls and reducing them to jelly. He does this a few times and, though it’s not real bloody, it is at least interesting. The rest is the usual shooting and car chases, which come off average.
Sexuality/Nudity: No Rachel Hunter nudity, so that will probably make your decision a lot easier at the local video outlet. We get some topless strip club action though because the director had to get tits in there to wake us up at some point.
Language/Dialogue: Yeah. I guess. I told you, I can’t remember any lines.
How bad was it?: The two reviews at IMDB were scathing at best. This Serge guy hasn’t exactly had a storied career.
Did it make the studio’s day?: It was supposedly released on video in the U.S. by MTI on 6/27/00. I’m sure the rush at Blockbuster was tremendous.
Film: */*****
Entertainment value: *1/2/*****
Copyright 2007 The Action Mutant.
The Street Fighter's Last Revenge
The Action Mutant…
doesn’t like Martinis with his kung fu!
The Street Fighter’s Last Revenge
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
The last film in the Street Fighter trilogy, only this time the filmmakers decided to repackage Chiba as a James Bond-like, gadget wielding agent. Get ready to let out a big Moe Syzlak “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA???”
The Plot, as it was:
Terry Tsurugi has gone from a magma inhaling karate badass to a suave super spy (with no real explanation as to why). Hell, all of the girls at the phone company want to jump his bones, despite the fact that every woman in the past two films deemed him sub-human at best! Anyway, a drug syndicate hires him to retrieve two tapes that have the recipe for synthetic heroin at $200 a pound. Haven’t these people ever heard of the wonderful concept of tape dubbing? However, Tsurugi has to contend with double-crosses, a crooked D.A., a mystery woman out to bed him and a mariachi man that shoots lasers! Now, who’s on heroin here…the characters or the filmmakers?
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Someone kicks Terry’s ass and he starts to doubt who he is? Important cargo gets taken from Terry’s possession not once but TWICE? MASKS? VAMPIRE TEETH? THIS IS NOT THE SAME GUY!!! They don’t even call him by the right last name (calling him Sur-gur-i this time around)! Sure, some will call this “broadening the character” but there’s usually a limit. Basically everything that made the first two films unique and memorable has been thrown out for campy trash and needless plot twists, not to mention just being shoddily made. There are some fun, cheesy moments at times (the introduction to the mariachi man, for example) and it’s good to see Sue Shiomi in her brief role but the film is such a 180 from the previous two films (not to mention an unsatisfying ending) that it’s nothing more than a goofy yet frustrating curiosity.
Body Count/Violence: 17. And with all the gadgetry comes a decided lack in what set the Street Fighter films apart: gratuitous violence. Sure, there are more than a few fights but the lack of blood really takes away from things. Still, every once in a while, Chiba pulls out a goodie that harkens back to the first two films (such as when he takes the mariachi man on a hands on tour of a crematorium). Ah, kilns.
Sexuality/Nudity: No less than three sex scenes, with the mystery woman Aya (Reiko Ike) flashing breasts in each.
Language/Dialogue: Somewhat stronger. There’s even an F bomb dropped once.
How bad was it?:
Some critics have a “so bad its good vibe” with it and like it for the cheesy trash it is. Followers of the series tend to dismiss it as the worst of the series (which it is). (Note: Director Teruo Ishii apparently didn’t care for martial arts films and is usually credited with killing the series. He didn’t even have the courtesy to put his name on the credits. Thanks a lot, bastard!)
Did it make the studio’s day?:
No box office figures, but the film was released by New Line Cinema in the U.S. in February of 1979.
Film: *1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ***/*****
Copyright 2007 The Action Mutant.
doesn’t like Martinis with his kung fu!
The Street Fighter’s Last Revenge
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
The last film in the Street Fighter trilogy, only this time the filmmakers decided to repackage Chiba as a James Bond-like, gadget wielding agent. Get ready to let out a big Moe Syzlak “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA???”
The Plot, as it was:
Terry Tsurugi has gone from a magma inhaling karate badass to a suave super spy (with no real explanation as to why). Hell, all of the girls at the phone company want to jump his bones, despite the fact that every woman in the past two films deemed him sub-human at best! Anyway, a drug syndicate hires him to retrieve two tapes that have the recipe for synthetic heroin at $200 a pound. Haven’t these people ever heard of the wonderful concept of tape dubbing? However, Tsurugi has to contend with double-crosses, a crooked D.A., a mystery woman out to bed him and a mariachi man that shoots lasers! Now, who’s on heroin here…the characters or the filmmakers?
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Someone kicks Terry’s ass and he starts to doubt who he is? Important cargo gets taken from Terry’s possession not once but TWICE? MASKS? VAMPIRE TEETH? THIS IS NOT THE SAME GUY!!! They don’t even call him by the right last name (calling him Sur-gur-i this time around)! Sure, some will call this “broadening the character” but there’s usually a limit. Basically everything that made the first two films unique and memorable has been thrown out for campy trash and needless plot twists, not to mention just being shoddily made. There are some fun, cheesy moments at times (the introduction to the mariachi man, for example) and it’s good to see Sue Shiomi in her brief role but the film is such a 180 from the previous two films (not to mention an unsatisfying ending) that it’s nothing more than a goofy yet frustrating curiosity.
Body Count/Violence: 17. And with all the gadgetry comes a decided lack in what set the Street Fighter films apart: gratuitous violence. Sure, there are more than a few fights but the lack of blood really takes away from things. Still, every once in a while, Chiba pulls out a goodie that harkens back to the first two films (such as when he takes the mariachi man on a hands on tour of a crematorium). Ah, kilns.
Sexuality/Nudity: No less than three sex scenes, with the mystery woman Aya (Reiko Ike) flashing breasts in each.
Language/Dialogue: Somewhat stronger. There’s even an F bomb dropped once.
How bad was it?:
Some critics have a “so bad its good vibe” with it and like it for the cheesy trash it is. Followers of the series tend to dismiss it as the worst of the series (which it is). (Note: Director Teruo Ishii apparently didn’t care for martial arts films and is usually credited with killing the series. He didn’t even have the courtesy to put his name on the credits. Thanks a lot, bastard!)
Did it make the studio’s day?:
No box office figures, but the film was released by New Line Cinema in the U.S. in February of 1979.
Film: *1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ***/*****
Copyright 2007 The Action Mutant.
The Street Fighter (Unrated Version)
The Action Mutant…
is more like a Number 2 man!
The Street Fighter
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
I usually wouldn’t thank another guy for having a hard on for another guy. I’m not a homophobe or something; it’s just not my business. But, in all honesty, I must thank Quentin Tarantino for his hard on for Sonny Chiba. Up until the mid-90s, Chiba and the Street Fighter trilogy were mysterious entities in American action cinema. Made in 1974, The Street Fighter was the first film to be rated X in America due to its violence alone. Therefore, it (and its subsequent sequels) didn’t see the light of day in its original 91 minute form in America for more than 20 years. The only version available in America during that time was a 75 minute R rated version put out by New Line Cinema (its American distributor), which is perhaps the most atrociously edited piece of sanitized swill I’ve ever seen. Literally all of the blood was excised from the film to an extreme degree and was even fit for TV airings (despite the fact it was rated R, technically)! Fast forward to 1994, where QT is the hottest thing in Hollywood due to his Pulp Fiction success. He has all the pull in the world, so what does he do? What any obscure film nerd with pull would do…he gets the Street Fighter trilogy (and its female offshoot, Sister Street Fighter) to be released in America in their original formats! Based off of New Line’s success with these reissues and the advent of DVD forthcoming, other small video companies began to follow suit and started to release them as well. And just like that, Quentin Tarantino saved Christmas! And now I get to review the 4 films in all of their blood soaked glory.
The Plot, as it was:
Sonny Chiba is Terry Tsurugi, a karate fighter that will do anything…for a price. He gets requested by the Mob to kidnap the daughter of a recently deceased oil magnate so that they may share in her new found fortune. However, the mobsters pitch Terry a price below his standards so he ultimately refuses. That sends Terry and his goofy sidekick Ratnose (Waichi Yamada) on the run while the mob assembles several killers to do away with him. One of those killers is an escaped death row prisoner named Junjou (Masashi Ishibashi) who wants revenge on Tsurugi for the death of his brother (Jiro Chiba) and his sister Ishi (Sue Shiomi) having been forced into prostitution (both occurring because they didn’t pay Terry up front).
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Chiba was thought of as Japan’s answer to Bruce Lee and, if anything, he surpasses his more famous counterpart in the “reality” aspect. The violence is brutal and uncompromising, as Chiba makes for a most unusual and absorbing anti-hero. Not many heroes would beat up people that hire him or force themselves on women but you’re drawn to Chiba anyway because he’s such an intense, bubbling cauldron, you are wondering just how badly he is going to blow up on those that do him wrong. The karate is not on the complicated level of a Yuen Woo-Ping film but is still very action packed, though in the “bone breaking” sense. The production values are a notch or two above what genre fans are used to, which makes this a higher quality martial arts film in many aspects. There’s even an attempt to put a little bit of back story to Tsurugi though his memorable encounter with karate master Masaoka (Masafumi Sukuki). The dialogue may not always be great and the film is obviously dated but there are so many great elements, from the catchy 70s guitar theme to Chiba seemingly heaving up hairballs before he kicks ass, The Street Fighter is a memorable martial arts film to marvel at.
Body Count/Violence: 42. This film really sets itself apart from most other martial arts films of the era by the amount of brutality involved. Chiba is the Japanese equivalent of Steven Seagal, as it’s obvious that Tsurugi revels in his work. We’re talking skull cracking punches to the head (with X-Ray views), gouged and stabbed eyes, cracked teeth, snapped necks and ribs, ripped out throats and testes (!), vomit inducing body blows, tosses over balconies, sword slashes, etc. Tons of blood-splatter with all of the blows, including some gunplay involved. The body count could have been even higher but, just like Seagal, Chiba prefers to make his enemies suffer.
Sexuality/Nudity: There’s an implied rape and an attempted rape (which leads to the testicular torture mentioned above) but nothing on the nudity front.
Language/Dialogue: In describing Junjou: “He’s…a mean bastard, from Okinawa!” Not much aside from that old chestnut.
How bad was it?:
Most martial arts critics give it high praise, especially for it being different in its approach to violence. The mainstream critics are so-so about the film, pretty much because of the same aspect. Pussies.
Did it make the studio’s day?:
New Line released The Street Fighter in the U.S. in November of 1974. No box office figures for it (or any of the sequels) but you can find it on DVD from many different home video companies.
Film: ***/*****
Entertainment value: *****/*****
Copyright 2007 The Action Mutant.
is more like a Number 2 man!
The Street Fighter
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
I usually wouldn’t thank another guy for having a hard on for another guy. I’m not a homophobe or something; it’s just not my business. But, in all honesty, I must thank Quentin Tarantino for his hard on for Sonny Chiba. Up until the mid-90s, Chiba and the Street Fighter trilogy were mysterious entities in American action cinema. Made in 1974, The Street Fighter was the first film to be rated X in America due to its violence alone. Therefore, it (and its subsequent sequels) didn’t see the light of day in its original 91 minute form in America for more than 20 years. The only version available in America during that time was a 75 minute R rated version put out by New Line Cinema (its American distributor), which is perhaps the most atrociously edited piece of sanitized swill I’ve ever seen. Literally all of the blood was excised from the film to an extreme degree and was even fit for TV airings (despite the fact it was rated R, technically)! Fast forward to 1994, where QT is the hottest thing in Hollywood due to his Pulp Fiction success. He has all the pull in the world, so what does he do? What any obscure film nerd with pull would do…he gets the Street Fighter trilogy (and its female offshoot, Sister Street Fighter) to be released in America in their original formats! Based off of New Line’s success with these reissues and the advent of DVD forthcoming, other small video companies began to follow suit and started to release them as well. And just like that, Quentin Tarantino saved Christmas! And now I get to review the 4 films in all of their blood soaked glory.
The Plot, as it was:
Sonny Chiba is Terry Tsurugi, a karate fighter that will do anything…for a price. He gets requested by the Mob to kidnap the daughter of a recently deceased oil magnate so that they may share in her new found fortune. However, the mobsters pitch Terry a price below his standards so he ultimately refuses. That sends Terry and his goofy sidekick Ratnose (Waichi Yamada) on the run while the mob assembles several killers to do away with him. One of those killers is an escaped death row prisoner named Junjou (Masashi Ishibashi) who wants revenge on Tsurugi for the death of his brother (Jiro Chiba) and his sister Ishi (Sue Shiomi) having been forced into prostitution (both occurring because they didn’t pay Terry up front).
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Chiba was thought of as Japan’s answer to Bruce Lee and, if anything, he surpasses his more famous counterpart in the “reality” aspect. The violence is brutal and uncompromising, as Chiba makes for a most unusual and absorbing anti-hero. Not many heroes would beat up people that hire him or force themselves on women but you’re drawn to Chiba anyway because he’s such an intense, bubbling cauldron, you are wondering just how badly he is going to blow up on those that do him wrong. The karate is not on the complicated level of a Yuen Woo-Ping film but is still very action packed, though in the “bone breaking” sense. The production values are a notch or two above what genre fans are used to, which makes this a higher quality martial arts film in many aspects. There’s even an attempt to put a little bit of back story to Tsurugi though his memorable encounter with karate master Masaoka (Masafumi Sukuki). The dialogue may not always be great and the film is obviously dated but there are so many great elements, from the catchy 70s guitar theme to Chiba seemingly heaving up hairballs before he kicks ass, The Street Fighter is a memorable martial arts film to marvel at.
Body Count/Violence: 42. This film really sets itself apart from most other martial arts films of the era by the amount of brutality involved. Chiba is the Japanese equivalent of Steven Seagal, as it’s obvious that Tsurugi revels in his work. We’re talking skull cracking punches to the head (with X-Ray views), gouged and stabbed eyes, cracked teeth, snapped necks and ribs, ripped out throats and testes (!), vomit inducing body blows, tosses over balconies, sword slashes, etc. Tons of blood-splatter with all of the blows, including some gunplay involved. The body count could have been even higher but, just like Seagal, Chiba prefers to make his enemies suffer.
Sexuality/Nudity: There’s an implied rape and an attempted rape (which leads to the testicular torture mentioned above) but nothing on the nudity front.
Language/Dialogue: In describing Junjou: “He’s…a mean bastard, from Okinawa!” Not much aside from that old chestnut.
How bad was it?:
Most martial arts critics give it high praise, especially for it being different in its approach to violence. The mainstream critics are so-so about the film, pretty much because of the same aspect. Pussies.
Did it make the studio’s day?:
New Line released The Street Fighter in the U.S. in November of 1974. No box office figures for it (or any of the sequels) but you can find it on DVD from many different home video companies.
Film: ***/*****
Entertainment value: *****/*****
Copyright 2007 The Action Mutant.
The Replacement Killers (Extended Cut)
The Action Mutant…
says raves are acceptable when Chow Yun-Fat is involved.
The Replacement Killers
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
Chan. Li. Lee. An assload of others. These people have had their troubles making it into the popular consciousness of American cinema. Even the Fat man! No, not Sammo Hung (although he’s on the list too). No, I mean Chow Yun-Fat, who wasn’t always making his name in art house martial arts flicks or playing the King of Siam. Seriously, the quote on the box art should read “Chow Yun-Fat is already a legend everywhere else, except in America, where $100 million CGI robots are our legends and Burt Reynolds is on number 5 of his 9 comebacks! We don’t have any time for fucking Asians with guns, even though we’re Rolling Stone and we told you its cool already” Reality is a bitch. (Note: This review is on the 98 minute “extended cut” and not on the original, 86 minute theater cut.)
The Plot, as it was:
Our man Chow is John Lee (wow, that name must have been long into the development process), an assassin who balks on doing a hit for mob boss Terrence Wei (Ken Tsang). Knowing he will be on the run soon (and that Wei will target his family back in China), he gets a foxy forger named Meg Coburn (Mira Sorvino) to cook up some documents for him to get back home. However, word catches fast and soon both are chased by the mob. Secrets get revealed, plenty of people die and Danny Trejo (as one of the “replacement killers” sent to finish the job) shows up. And Robert Rodriguez is nowhere is sight.
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Though sometimes lacking the snap of a John Woo film (he co-produced here; Antoine Fuqua of Training Day gets the directorial chair), The Replacement Killers has the feel and some of the emotional connection of Woo’s earlier efforts. From the kick ass rave opening on, there is plenty of action and verve to spare though many people will say that it does seem to lack something. For a freshman starring outing in America, Yun-Fat almost seems dialed down. He only gets a scene or two to really emote like he did in Hard Boiled or The Killer and the rest is him strolling about and looking badass. Sure, it works but anyone looking for more will be hard stretched to find it. He definitely isn’t getting paid by the word (Charles Bronson-san?). Sorvino balances things out by adding punch and characterization to what is usually a thankless job of being the female sidekick (not to mention looking damn fine in the process…whoo!). Admittedly, it does seem like Beginner’s Woo 101 half the time, as if Fuqua is just following the sequence of “setup—gunfight—setup—gunfight—setup—dialogue—more gunfight”. However, if the viewer can accept it being nothing more than a very slick, deluxe time killer (and that Michael Rooker is a GOOD cop), then they will get more bang for their buck with this outing.
Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- Al Leong (Rapid Fire, Lethal Weapon) is unbilled as a gunman during the final shootout. Blink and you’ll miss him, as they say.
Body Count/Violence: 35. As the venerable Clarence Boddicker said in Robocop, “Ooooh! Guns, guns, GUNS!” And there are tons of those! This is supposed to hold the American record for most bullets fired in a film and I wouldn’t doubt that. Everyone is done in by some measure of bloody gunfire but not before about 1,000 casings get emptied in the effort. Along the way, there are explosions, some fists and Chow breaking from stride by snapping a guy’s neck. And no, he didn’t shoot him 75 times afterwards (…odd).
Sexuality/Nudity: Mira Sorvino. I know she doesn’t get naked at all but her presence alone is enough to garner some mention. She’s shown in a black bra and panties while changing in one scene and the rest of the film has her in some loose fitting outfit with lingerie visible at most times. What else can you say about her body? Oh yeah, that she didn’t get her looks from her father.
Language/Dialogue: Not terribly strong, though it goes with the R rating.
How bad was it?:
Most critics were disappointed, especially those aware of Yun-Fat’s status in his homeland. The concerns ranged from it being all action and not much else to the star not getting much to work with. There were some positive reviews but none were overly gushing.
Did it make the studio’s day?:
Made on a $30 million budget, The Replacement Killers did little to bolster Chow Yun-Fat’s rep in America. Columbia released it in theaters on 2/6/98 and it met the fate of so many other films in the weeks previous; it was run over by “that damn boat movie”. It finished 2nd to Titanic in its opening weekend, only pulling in $8 million (to the former’s $23 million that weekend alone). Facing more competition from The Wedding Singer the following weekend, Killers quietly sank off the charts and only pulled in $19.2 million in its total run. Not a great distinction to be called the 90th highest grossing film of 1998, that’s for certain.
Film: ***/*****
Entertainment value: ****1/2/*****
Copyright 2007 The Action Mutant.
says raves are acceptable when Chow Yun-Fat is involved.
The Replacement Killers
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
Chan. Li. Lee. An assload of others. These people have had their troubles making it into the popular consciousness of American cinema. Even the Fat man! No, not Sammo Hung (although he’s on the list too). No, I mean Chow Yun-Fat, who wasn’t always making his name in art house martial arts flicks or playing the King of Siam. Seriously, the quote on the box art should read “Chow Yun-Fat is already a legend everywhere else, except in America, where $100 million CGI robots are our legends and Burt Reynolds is on number 5 of his 9 comebacks! We don’t have any time for fucking Asians with guns, even though we’re Rolling Stone and we told you its cool already” Reality is a bitch. (Note: This review is on the 98 minute “extended cut” and not on the original, 86 minute theater cut.)
The Plot, as it was:
Our man Chow is John Lee (wow, that name must have been long into the development process), an assassin who balks on doing a hit for mob boss Terrence Wei (Ken Tsang). Knowing he will be on the run soon (and that Wei will target his family back in China), he gets a foxy forger named Meg Coburn (Mira Sorvino) to cook up some documents for him to get back home. However, word catches fast and soon both are chased by the mob. Secrets get revealed, plenty of people die and Danny Trejo (as one of the “replacement killers” sent to finish the job) shows up. And Robert Rodriguez is nowhere is sight.
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Though sometimes lacking the snap of a John Woo film (he co-produced here; Antoine Fuqua of Training Day gets the directorial chair), The Replacement Killers has the feel and some of the emotional connection of Woo’s earlier efforts. From the kick ass rave opening on, there is plenty of action and verve to spare though many people will say that it does seem to lack something. For a freshman starring outing in America, Yun-Fat almost seems dialed down. He only gets a scene or two to really emote like he did in Hard Boiled or The Killer and the rest is him strolling about and looking badass. Sure, it works but anyone looking for more will be hard stretched to find it. He definitely isn’t getting paid by the word (Charles Bronson-san?). Sorvino balances things out by adding punch and characterization to what is usually a thankless job of being the female sidekick (not to mention looking damn fine in the process…whoo!). Admittedly, it does seem like Beginner’s Woo 101 half the time, as if Fuqua is just following the sequence of “setup—gunfight—setup—gunfight—setup—dialogue—more gunfight”. However, if the viewer can accept it being nothing more than a very slick, deluxe time killer (and that Michael Rooker is a GOOD cop), then they will get more bang for their buck with this outing.
Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- Al Leong (Rapid Fire, Lethal Weapon) is unbilled as a gunman during the final shootout. Blink and you’ll miss him, as they say.
Body Count/Violence: 35. As the venerable Clarence Boddicker said in Robocop, “Ooooh! Guns, guns, GUNS!” And there are tons of those! This is supposed to hold the American record for most bullets fired in a film and I wouldn’t doubt that. Everyone is done in by some measure of bloody gunfire but not before about 1,000 casings get emptied in the effort. Along the way, there are explosions, some fists and Chow breaking from stride by snapping a guy’s neck. And no, he didn’t shoot him 75 times afterwards (…odd).
Sexuality/Nudity: Mira Sorvino. I know she doesn’t get naked at all but her presence alone is enough to garner some mention. She’s shown in a black bra and panties while changing in one scene and the rest of the film has her in some loose fitting outfit with lingerie visible at most times. What else can you say about her body? Oh yeah, that she didn’t get her looks from her father.
Language/Dialogue: Not terribly strong, though it goes with the R rating.
How bad was it?:
Most critics were disappointed, especially those aware of Yun-Fat’s status in his homeland. The concerns ranged from it being all action and not much else to the star not getting much to work with. There were some positive reviews but none were overly gushing.
Did it make the studio’s day?:
Made on a $30 million budget, The Replacement Killers did little to bolster Chow Yun-Fat’s rep in America. Columbia released it in theaters on 2/6/98 and it met the fate of so many other films in the weeks previous; it was run over by “that damn boat movie”. It finished 2nd to Titanic in its opening weekend, only pulling in $8 million (to the former’s $23 million that weekend alone). Facing more competition from The Wedding Singer the following weekend, Killers quietly sank off the charts and only pulled in $19.2 million in its total run. Not a great distinction to be called the 90th highest grossing film of 1998, that’s for certain.
Film: ***/*****
Entertainment value: ****1/2/*****
Copyright 2007 The Action Mutant.
The Osterman Weekend
The Action Mutant…
enjoys weekends with Shannon Tweed…look-alikes. Ok, not really.
The Osterman Weekend
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
It’s odd because I would have certainly thought I would have reviewed another Sam Peckinpah film first. Maybe it would have been something like his best film (The Wild Bunch or Pat Garrett & Billy the Kid) or my personal favorite (Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia). It would certainly not be something from the tail end of his career, when his best days were clearly behind him. But, this film fell under my “On Demand rule” (i.e. It was On Demand and I had never seen it), so on it went. Surprisingly, (aside from it being better than I thought it would be) it was fitting for me to review a Peckinpah film that encapsulated what the man was about as far as his mystique goes. Obsessive paranoia, a streak of misogyny, and a basic foundation of how to entertain, yet make one feel a tad uncomfortable at the same time.
The Plot, as it was:
Rutger Hauer (Blind Fury, Blade Runner) plays John Tanner, a TV talk show host that isn’t afraid to call out members of high ranking politics (think Bill O’Reilly…if he was working towards the Left). That status has made him a wealthy man with wealthy friends, friends who he gathers together for an annual weekend of fun at his home. However, this weekend is different because Tanner is being forced by a shrewd CIA agent named Fassett (John Hurt) to tape his friends (Craig T. Nelson, Dennis Hopper and Christopher Guest) because it is believed they are Russian spies. Having to keep everything in the dark from his friends and his wife (Meg Foster and her scary eyes) & son, Tanner doesn’t realize that the greatest threat to his well being just may be the man giving the orders. Fassett has an axe to grind with his employer over a personal tragedy and is willing to play some messed up mind games to get what he wants.
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
There’s no mistaking it, despite the pedigree behind the camera: The Osterman Weekend is pure trash. It has a nasty, vile tone to it and its voyeuristic story seems to be an excuse for a good amount of tits, ammo, and Peckinpah’s signature slow-motion artistry. As far as basic Peckinpah goes, it works though it is nowhere near his early 70s masterpieces. Despite its slick looking veneer, Weekend is pretty lurid at times (the opening credit sequence is especially infamous, though tame by today’s standards) and is slow moving and needlessly complicated for the first half. Fassett’s indictment of Tanner (and the audience, in general) is the film’s main message but it’s really only used as a means to turn him into the heavy and nothing meaningful. Hurt has fun in this role, ranging from being snidely effete to coldly distant in reacting to his tragedy. The rest of the cast does uniformly well, as Nelson, Hopper, Guest and Burt Lancaster (as the CIA head) all have their creepily effective moments. The ending is pretty well predictable and the film will seem a bit dated with the Cold War being old hat and all. However, Peckinpah is still able to paint a portrait of comfortable, high powered people at their most dressed down and vulnerable. That alone puts The Osterman Weekend slightly above the usual time killing thriller.
Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- Tim Thomerson, most notable as Jack Deth in the long running Trancers franchise, is a motorcycle cop.
Body Count/Violence: 13. Though not the raving blood-fest his better known efforts are, TOW delivers after a slow start. There are a few of Peck’s trademark bloody slo-mo shootings, arrow shots, slo-mo baseball bat beatings, car windshield impaling, explosions, etc. My favorite: Tanner emerging from his pool and shooting an assailant with a miniature bow and arrow, sending him into the gasoline soaked pool he just lit on fire.
Sexuality/Nudity: It is a veritable tit fest in this film! Breasts are shown by Helen Shaver, Cassie Yates and Merete Van Camp (with Shaver going full frontal during the video watching group scene and Van Camp showing her behind). Even Meg Foster (and her creepy eyes) shows side boob during a dressing scene. There are a few sexual scenes that involve the women being either topless or in skimpy clothing, as well. And there is John Hurt’s pasty British ass, for those who go for pasty British asses.
Language/Dialogue: Not as strong as you would think, though there are a few F bombs.
How bad was it?:
Critics didn’t view Peckinpah’s work from 1975 to 1983 (this was his last film before his death in ’84) with great fervor and that included this film. Part of the reason was that many felt the master had lost his way (to which they were somewhat right). Others felt that adapting a complicated Robert Ludlum novel was not the best choice for a Peckinpah project. Either way, the reviews were mixed.
Did it make the studio’s day?:
20th Century Fox execs were dismayed by the 116 minute cut Peckinpah had submitted to them, a version that led people to walk out on the film after the controversial opening credits. Even after the studio cut it to 103 minutes for theaters, they only released it to 670 theaters during its highest point of release. Though no budget figures were released, the film was not a smash as it only grossed $6.5 million during its brief run. (Note: The Anchor Bay DVD release includes both the theatrical version and Peckinpah’s rough cut transfer of his 116 minute version. Reviews were mixed on the latter, as well.)
Film: **1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ***1/2/*****
Copyright 2007 The Action Mutant.
enjoys weekends with Shannon Tweed…look-alikes. Ok, not really.
The Osterman Weekend
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
It’s odd because I would have certainly thought I would have reviewed another Sam Peckinpah film first. Maybe it would have been something like his best film (The Wild Bunch or Pat Garrett & Billy the Kid) or my personal favorite (Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia). It would certainly not be something from the tail end of his career, when his best days were clearly behind him. But, this film fell under my “On Demand rule” (i.e. It was On Demand and I had never seen it), so on it went. Surprisingly, (aside from it being better than I thought it would be) it was fitting for me to review a Peckinpah film that encapsulated what the man was about as far as his mystique goes. Obsessive paranoia, a streak of misogyny, and a basic foundation of how to entertain, yet make one feel a tad uncomfortable at the same time.
The Plot, as it was:
Rutger Hauer (Blind Fury, Blade Runner) plays John Tanner, a TV talk show host that isn’t afraid to call out members of high ranking politics (think Bill O’Reilly…if he was working towards the Left). That status has made him a wealthy man with wealthy friends, friends who he gathers together for an annual weekend of fun at his home. However, this weekend is different because Tanner is being forced by a shrewd CIA agent named Fassett (John Hurt) to tape his friends (Craig T. Nelson, Dennis Hopper and Christopher Guest) because it is believed they are Russian spies. Having to keep everything in the dark from his friends and his wife (Meg Foster and her scary eyes) & son, Tanner doesn’t realize that the greatest threat to his well being just may be the man giving the orders. Fassett has an axe to grind with his employer over a personal tragedy and is willing to play some messed up mind games to get what he wants.
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
There’s no mistaking it, despite the pedigree behind the camera: The Osterman Weekend is pure trash. It has a nasty, vile tone to it and its voyeuristic story seems to be an excuse for a good amount of tits, ammo, and Peckinpah’s signature slow-motion artistry. As far as basic Peckinpah goes, it works though it is nowhere near his early 70s masterpieces. Despite its slick looking veneer, Weekend is pretty lurid at times (the opening credit sequence is especially infamous, though tame by today’s standards) and is slow moving and needlessly complicated for the first half. Fassett’s indictment of Tanner (and the audience, in general) is the film’s main message but it’s really only used as a means to turn him into the heavy and nothing meaningful. Hurt has fun in this role, ranging from being snidely effete to coldly distant in reacting to his tragedy. The rest of the cast does uniformly well, as Nelson, Hopper, Guest and Burt Lancaster (as the CIA head) all have their creepily effective moments. The ending is pretty well predictable and the film will seem a bit dated with the Cold War being old hat and all. However, Peckinpah is still able to paint a portrait of comfortable, high powered people at their most dressed down and vulnerable. That alone puts The Osterman Weekend slightly above the usual time killing thriller.
Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- Tim Thomerson, most notable as Jack Deth in the long running Trancers franchise, is a motorcycle cop.
Body Count/Violence: 13. Though not the raving blood-fest his better known efforts are, TOW delivers after a slow start. There are a few of Peck’s trademark bloody slo-mo shootings, arrow shots, slo-mo baseball bat beatings, car windshield impaling, explosions, etc. My favorite: Tanner emerging from his pool and shooting an assailant with a miniature bow and arrow, sending him into the gasoline soaked pool he just lit on fire.
Sexuality/Nudity: It is a veritable tit fest in this film! Breasts are shown by Helen Shaver, Cassie Yates and Merete Van Camp (with Shaver going full frontal during the video watching group scene and Van Camp showing her behind). Even Meg Foster (and her creepy eyes) shows side boob during a dressing scene. There are a few sexual scenes that involve the women being either topless or in skimpy clothing, as well. And there is John Hurt’s pasty British ass, for those who go for pasty British asses.
Language/Dialogue: Not as strong as you would think, though there are a few F bombs.
How bad was it?:
Critics didn’t view Peckinpah’s work from 1975 to 1983 (this was his last film before his death in ’84) with great fervor and that included this film. Part of the reason was that many felt the master had lost his way (to which they were somewhat right). Others felt that adapting a complicated Robert Ludlum novel was not the best choice for a Peckinpah project. Either way, the reviews were mixed.
Did it make the studio’s day?:
20th Century Fox execs were dismayed by the 116 minute cut Peckinpah had submitted to them, a version that led people to walk out on the film after the controversial opening credits. Even after the studio cut it to 103 minutes for theaters, they only released it to 670 theaters during its highest point of release. Though no budget figures were released, the film was not a smash as it only grossed $6.5 million during its brief run. (Note: The Anchor Bay DVD release includes both the theatrical version and Peckinpah’s rough cut transfer of his 116 minute version. Reviews were mixed on the latter, as well.)
Film: **1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ***1/2/*****
Copyright 2007 The Action Mutant.
The Messenger
The Action Mutant…
predicts a reunion show…Scott Baio is 72 and s!@%*&#n his pants!
The Messenger
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
Two years after his initial success in 1973’s Black Caesar, Fred Williamson appeared in his first Italian made film (the Western Take a Hard Ride, for trivia buffs). Over the next 15 years, Williamson would make plenty of low budget, Italian produced Actioners. Most were…well, bad but some of those films made the bad ones look like The Godfather by comparison. And then, there were even some that made the really bad ones look like The Godfather by comparison. Hence…The Messenger!
The Plot, as it was:
Our man Fred plays Jake Sebastian Turner, an all around badass that has just been released from prison and into the loving arms of his woman Sabrina (Sandy Cummings). As they leave a high society party, Sabrina’s gunned down by mobsters that she was connected to through a mob drug ring. Turner decides to take an offer from a millionaire to take out all of the mobsters responsible for the death of Sabrina and the millionaire’s son, who was also murdered by the mob. Turner travels the big cities of America to do his dirty work; all while being tailed by a weary police captain (AM favorite Cameron Mitchell) and a gung ho FBI agent (Chris Connelly).
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
How do I put this eloquently? This movie is so shitty, it’s an insult to other shitty movies to call this movie shitty in the first place. Everything’s irreparable here…directing, acting, dialogue, etc. Even the action (while plentiful and bloody) is awkwardly done, as it is often confusing and rife with dying actors clearly breathing as they are supposedly dead. The editing looks like it was done by someone swinging a hatchet at random points in the film. And the music (supposedly “arranged” by William Stuckey) keeps this film looking and sounding like it was made ten years before and it keeps playing long after it should have stopped in a scene. Unfortunately, most of the blame rests on Mr. Tough Guy Williamson himself. He directs, stars and has story credit (yet it took three other writers to pound this out) so this basically resembles a vanity production with a cracked mirror. Don’t get me wrong, there are some funny moments coming from the unintentional side and it’s not like the film’s ever boring. Some of the actors even seem like they’re having fun with their slight roles. Cam Mitchell hams it up as usual (but not embarrassingly) as Captain Carter and Joe Spinell (looking like he ate every cannoli off of the catering table) is his usual slimy self as mob boss Rico. But that’s not enough to make this anything more than a trashy, amateurish time killer with very few redeeming qualities.
Body Count/Violence: 31. Fred sends his message of violence via gunfire, grenades, kung fu, pistol whipping and neck breaking. There’s also a shotgun blast to someone’s head, car explosions and abuse towards women as well.
Sexuality/Nudity: Williamson and Cummings have a prolonged sex scene near the start, which is there to show some female flesh and prove that Fred looks pretty good at 48. Rita Silva has her top ripped off during an assault scene, which doesn’t prove to be pleasant to watch. Suzanne Von Schaack (as a mob wife) is in skimpy lingerie half the time, as it showcases her lovely behind.
Language/Dialogue: Only strong on occasion.
How bad was it?:
Though no reviews are available, the viewer feedback speaks for itself. This is pretty horrible, even by the standards of Williamson’s Italian projects.
Did it make the studio’s day?:
The Messenger was produced by Williamson’s Po’ Boy Productions and Realtà Cinematografica and released in Italy in December of 1986. Snizzlefritz (I’m not joking) and Starlight distributed it in America, as it debuted on 4/24/87. No box office or budget records are known. It is available on video only through MGM’s Soul Cinema label.
Film: */*****
Entertainment value: **1/2/*****
Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.
predicts a reunion show…Scott Baio is 72 and s!@%*&#n his pants!
The Messenger
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
Two years after his initial success in 1973’s Black Caesar, Fred Williamson appeared in his first Italian made film (the Western Take a Hard Ride, for trivia buffs). Over the next 15 years, Williamson would make plenty of low budget, Italian produced Actioners. Most were…well, bad but some of those films made the bad ones look like The Godfather by comparison. And then, there were even some that made the really bad ones look like The Godfather by comparison. Hence…The Messenger!
The Plot, as it was:
Our man Fred plays Jake Sebastian Turner, an all around badass that has just been released from prison and into the loving arms of his woman Sabrina (Sandy Cummings). As they leave a high society party, Sabrina’s gunned down by mobsters that she was connected to through a mob drug ring. Turner decides to take an offer from a millionaire to take out all of the mobsters responsible for the death of Sabrina and the millionaire’s son, who was also murdered by the mob. Turner travels the big cities of America to do his dirty work; all while being tailed by a weary police captain (AM favorite Cameron Mitchell) and a gung ho FBI agent (Chris Connelly).
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
How do I put this eloquently? This movie is so shitty, it’s an insult to other shitty movies to call this movie shitty in the first place. Everything’s irreparable here…directing, acting, dialogue, etc. Even the action (while plentiful and bloody) is awkwardly done, as it is often confusing and rife with dying actors clearly breathing as they are supposedly dead. The editing looks like it was done by someone swinging a hatchet at random points in the film. And the music (supposedly “arranged” by William Stuckey) keeps this film looking and sounding like it was made ten years before and it keeps playing long after it should have stopped in a scene. Unfortunately, most of the blame rests on Mr. Tough Guy Williamson himself. He directs, stars and has story credit (yet it took three other writers to pound this out) so this basically resembles a vanity production with a cracked mirror. Don’t get me wrong, there are some funny moments coming from the unintentional side and it’s not like the film’s ever boring. Some of the actors even seem like they’re having fun with their slight roles. Cam Mitchell hams it up as usual (but not embarrassingly) as Captain Carter and Joe Spinell (looking like he ate every cannoli off of the catering table) is his usual slimy self as mob boss Rico. But that’s not enough to make this anything more than a trashy, amateurish time killer with very few redeeming qualities.
Body Count/Violence: 31. Fred sends his message of violence via gunfire, grenades, kung fu, pistol whipping and neck breaking. There’s also a shotgun blast to someone’s head, car explosions and abuse towards women as well.
Sexuality/Nudity: Williamson and Cummings have a prolonged sex scene near the start, which is there to show some female flesh and prove that Fred looks pretty good at 48. Rita Silva has her top ripped off during an assault scene, which doesn’t prove to be pleasant to watch. Suzanne Von Schaack (as a mob wife) is in skimpy lingerie half the time, as it showcases her lovely behind.
Language/Dialogue: Only strong on occasion.
How bad was it?:
Though no reviews are available, the viewer feedback speaks for itself. This is pretty horrible, even by the standards of Williamson’s Italian projects.
Did it make the studio’s day?:
The Messenger was produced by Williamson’s Po’ Boy Productions and Realtà Cinematografica and released in Italy in December of 1986. Snizzlefritz (I’m not joking) and Starlight distributed it in America, as it debuted on 4/24/87. No box office or budget records are known. It is available on video only through MGM’s Soul Cinema label.
Film: */*****
Entertainment value: **1/2/*****
Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.
The Hunted (1995)
The Action Mutant…
only hunts what he can microwave!
The Hunted (1995)
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
There are the Willises and the Schwarzeneggers. The action heroes of the largest scale that deal with terrorists and world domination. There are the Seagals and the Van Dammes. The action heroes that are a few steps back from where they once were, who deal with enemies whose problems aren’t on that grand of a scale. And then, there are the Christopher Lamberts. He is on your video store shelf about 97% of the time and is mostly likely content to stay there. The problems he deals with won’t likely bring you to your knees but they challenge nonetheless. In this one, he’s being chased by ninjas. Go on, check it out. It’s not half bad. Even if being chased by ninjas isn’t something you will have to deal with soon. Or maybe you will. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
The Plot, as it was:
Lambert plays Paul Racine, a businessman taking a trip to Tokyo. While there, he meets a mystery woman in a red dress (Joan Chen) and it’s only a few hours before they do the cookie-nook in a hotel room hot tub! After he leaves, he mistakenly takes her room key so he goes back to return it. Only when he returns, he stumbles in on a band of ninjas executing her via decapitation with a sword! They poison him and send him to the hospital but not before he sees the leader’s (John Lone) face. Two samurai (Yoshio Harada & Yoko Shimada) bent on taking down the ninja clan bust Paul out of the hospital and aid him in running from the ninjas. One final battle on an island fortress concludes the proceedings.
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
This film seems to have “ridiculous mess” written all over it but it ends up being a fun ride for the most part. Director J.F. Lawton directs with few lags in the story and there is even a surprising bit of humor at some moments (“Stop saying “Hi!” so much!”). The real fun is in Harada’s performance, as he shows real intensity in dealing with his enemies. It is definitely intense as compared to Lambert, who hops from seemingly distant to sleepy at a moments notice. The odd thing is that it’s obvious that Lambert composes some kind of presence on screen. However, it just seems like he doesn’t show the same passion for revenge once the film hits the halfway point. Harada’s samurai is so hell-bent on vengeance you almost wish the film was about him entirely. That would mean we wouldn’t be privy to the few effecting scenes Chen has, though it’s obvious she’s been wasted in her performance (shit, her agent must suck!). Thankfully, there are enough effective action sequences and samurai grandeur to make this flick worthwhile.
Body Count/Violence: 73! Yes, to equal the lofty standards set by Death Wish 3, it better be a damn bloodbath! And is it ever! Though a few are shot to death, the majority of the dead are sliced & diced by samurai swords. Most of those deaths occur in one of the best action sequences I’ve seen in quite a while. See, the ninjas board a bullet train that Paul and the two samurai are on. The trio tries to warn the passengers as they trek to the back of the train. It proves to be mostly futile, as the ninjas slaughter the passengers (car by car) until they reach the back. Takeda (Harada) then slaughters the ninjas by his lonesome, tossing them around like cordwood. The highlight is a female ninja that has her face revealed, so she removes her identity, so to speak (think about it for a while). The final battle on the island is also fun but nowhere near the inspired lunacy of the bullet train madness.
Sexuality/Nudity: As mentioned before, Lambert and Chen have a frolic in a hot tub, where you can see her chest and his bum. There’s also a scene where Lone is bathed by a topless woman from the back and a fully nude woman from the front. I think the moral of the scene is ninjas have it good.
Language/Dialogue: Some mild language but nothing too out there.
How bad was it?:
The usual mixed bag from reviewers, though the positive reviews weren’t overwhelming. They were more of the **1/2 “middle of the road” variety.
Did it make the studio’s day?:
I guess Universal must have thought there was a possibility the film might have legs because they opened it on 1,552 screens on 2/24/95. It did a respectable 5th before falling all the way down to 15th the following week and closing out. It pulled in $6.6 million, which is gravy for any Lambert film not called Highlander. (Note: No budget figures were available.)
Film: **1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ***1/2/*****
Copyright 2007 The Action Mutant.
only hunts what he can microwave!
The Hunted (1995)
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
There are the Willises and the Schwarzeneggers. The action heroes of the largest scale that deal with terrorists and world domination. There are the Seagals and the Van Dammes. The action heroes that are a few steps back from where they once were, who deal with enemies whose problems aren’t on that grand of a scale. And then, there are the Christopher Lamberts. He is on your video store shelf about 97% of the time and is mostly likely content to stay there. The problems he deals with won’t likely bring you to your knees but they challenge nonetheless. In this one, he’s being chased by ninjas. Go on, check it out. It’s not half bad. Even if being chased by ninjas isn’t something you will have to deal with soon. Or maybe you will. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
The Plot, as it was:
Lambert plays Paul Racine, a businessman taking a trip to Tokyo. While there, he meets a mystery woman in a red dress (Joan Chen) and it’s only a few hours before they do the cookie-nook in a hotel room hot tub! After he leaves, he mistakenly takes her room key so he goes back to return it. Only when he returns, he stumbles in on a band of ninjas executing her via decapitation with a sword! They poison him and send him to the hospital but not before he sees the leader’s (John Lone) face. Two samurai (Yoshio Harada & Yoko Shimada) bent on taking down the ninja clan bust Paul out of the hospital and aid him in running from the ninjas. One final battle on an island fortress concludes the proceedings.
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
This film seems to have “ridiculous mess” written all over it but it ends up being a fun ride for the most part. Director J.F. Lawton directs with few lags in the story and there is even a surprising bit of humor at some moments (“Stop saying “Hi!” so much!”). The real fun is in Harada’s performance, as he shows real intensity in dealing with his enemies. It is definitely intense as compared to Lambert, who hops from seemingly distant to sleepy at a moments notice. The odd thing is that it’s obvious that Lambert composes some kind of presence on screen. However, it just seems like he doesn’t show the same passion for revenge once the film hits the halfway point. Harada’s samurai is so hell-bent on vengeance you almost wish the film was about him entirely. That would mean we wouldn’t be privy to the few effecting scenes Chen has, though it’s obvious she’s been wasted in her performance (shit, her agent must suck!). Thankfully, there are enough effective action sequences and samurai grandeur to make this flick worthwhile.
Body Count/Violence: 73! Yes, to equal the lofty standards set by Death Wish 3, it better be a damn bloodbath! And is it ever! Though a few are shot to death, the majority of the dead are sliced & diced by samurai swords. Most of those deaths occur in one of the best action sequences I’ve seen in quite a while. See, the ninjas board a bullet train that Paul and the two samurai are on. The trio tries to warn the passengers as they trek to the back of the train. It proves to be mostly futile, as the ninjas slaughter the passengers (car by car) until they reach the back. Takeda (Harada) then slaughters the ninjas by his lonesome, tossing them around like cordwood. The highlight is a female ninja that has her face revealed, so she removes her identity, so to speak (think about it for a while). The final battle on the island is also fun but nowhere near the inspired lunacy of the bullet train madness.
Sexuality/Nudity: As mentioned before, Lambert and Chen have a frolic in a hot tub, where you can see her chest and his bum. There’s also a scene where Lone is bathed by a topless woman from the back and a fully nude woman from the front. I think the moral of the scene is ninjas have it good.
Language/Dialogue: Some mild language but nothing too out there.
How bad was it?:
The usual mixed bag from reviewers, though the positive reviews weren’t overwhelming. They were more of the **1/2 “middle of the road” variety.
Did it make the studio’s day?:
I guess Universal must have thought there was a possibility the film might have legs because they opened it on 1,552 screens on 2/24/95. It did a respectable 5th before falling all the way down to 15th the following week and closing out. It pulled in $6.6 million, which is gravy for any Lambert film not called Highlander. (Note: No budget figures were available.)
Film: **1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ***1/2/*****
Copyright 2007 The Action Mutant.
The Final Sanction
The Action Mutant…
can’t help but hum Europe’s “The Final Countdown”.
The Final Sanction
review by Joe Burrows
(written on January 7,2008)
Perspective:
So, a new year is upon us. There was some disappointment when it came to the Action genre last year. John McClane’s famous war cry was silenced by a gunshot to earn a PG-13 rating (how backwards is that?), Shoot ‘Em Up ate it at the box office and we’re still all waiting for that umpteenth Seagal comeback. But hey, the past shapes the future, right? And that was fully evident over the opening months of this site, as The Action Mutant still believes its 1987 and that the only horrible movie Bronson ever made was…fuck it, he NEVER made a bad movie! And there are still SO many A.I.P. titles to go through!
The Plot, as it was:
Ted Prior (DANTON in Deadly Prey) plays Batanic, a jailed soldier that has been selected for an important mission. See, America is at war with the Russkies and all so a very logical decision’s been made. Each side selects a soldier from their army and lets them loose in the woods of Virginia, where they will duel it out until one man is dead. Of course, the Russian is a brawny, brain-warped grunt named Sergei (Robert Z’Dar) and it doesn’t take a Sergei to notice that something about this whole situation is a little Sergei (yes, I used Sergei as an adjective…big whoop, wanna fight about it?) .
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!
Aside from the plot being totally hair-brained (and well…Prior-esque), Sanction commits the cardinal sin amongst action fare: it’s boring! Usually, A.I.P. flicks have a steady flow of action and/or gleefully bad acting/writing/SFX to keep the viewer going. And all of that’s there (check out Sergei surviving a full on building explosion with only a half charred face)…just not in ample amounts. Also, there are certain limits when the film only features two characters shooting at each other for half the film. And the other half of the film takes way too much time in introducing the characters, as there isn’t really a whole lot that makes them tick to begin with (Batanic’s the cocky, burned out war vet type and Sergei’s a brainwashed creation of Communist warfare). The film even lacks the usual unintentional humor that normally loads A.I.P. productions (though there are occasional howlers…heheheh, “Sergei loves all girls!”). Unfortunately, this just turns out to be a very forgettable David Prior effort, aside from Z’Dar pulling out every facial expression for his bucket sized face (the scene where William Smith’s Russian General threatens to shoot Sergei’s parents is priceless…pricelessly bad!).
Body Count/Violence: 3. Three? What the hell, man? Aren’t A.I.P. films supposed to have dead bodies literally tossed onto the set from both sides just to make things look credible? Hence, this is one of the limitations The Final Sanction faces. With two guys shooting at each other for the better part of 45 minutes, that’s all that really happens. And if you’re expecting a lot of innocent bystanders to end up as collateral damage…well, keep expecting. Aside from intermittent shooting and explosions, the only novelty is that Sergei’s main weapons consist of what look for the entire world like projectile gardening trowels. SERGEI LOVES GARDENING!
Sexuality/Nudity: None.
Language/Dialogue: Only occasionally strong.
How bad was it?:
No reviews are listed for it but the fan feedback isn’t exactly glowing.
Did it make the studio’s day?:
Filmed in the Prior’s backyard (probably literally at some points) of Mobile, Alabama, The Final Sanction was given a direct-to-video release through A.I.P. Video on 11/30/90. There are no box office figures for it but you’ll be happy to know you can purchase it on VHS for the low price of $4.99! Or more likely, you’ll hypothetically purchase it and feel happier keeping your real $4.99.
Film: */*****
Entertainment value: *1/2/*****
Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.
can’t help but hum Europe’s “The Final Countdown”.
The Final Sanction
review by Joe Burrows
(written on January 7,2008)
Perspective:
So, a new year is upon us. There was some disappointment when it came to the Action genre last year. John McClane’s famous war cry was silenced by a gunshot to earn a PG-13 rating (how backwards is that?), Shoot ‘Em Up ate it at the box office and we’re still all waiting for that umpteenth Seagal comeback. But hey, the past shapes the future, right? And that was fully evident over the opening months of this site, as The Action Mutant still believes its 1987 and that the only horrible movie Bronson ever made was…fuck it, he NEVER made a bad movie! And there are still SO many A.I.P. titles to go through!
The Plot, as it was:
Ted Prior (DANTON in Deadly Prey) plays Batanic, a jailed soldier that has been selected for an important mission. See, America is at war with the Russkies and all so a very logical decision’s been made. Each side selects a soldier from their army and lets them loose in the woods of Virginia, where they will duel it out until one man is dead. Of course, the Russian is a brawny, brain-warped grunt named Sergei (Robert Z’Dar) and it doesn’t take a Sergei to notice that something about this whole situation is a little Sergei (yes, I used Sergei as an adjective…big whoop, wanna fight about it?) .
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!
Aside from the plot being totally hair-brained (and well…Prior-esque), Sanction commits the cardinal sin amongst action fare: it’s boring! Usually, A.I.P. flicks have a steady flow of action and/or gleefully bad acting/writing/SFX to keep the viewer going. And all of that’s there (check out Sergei surviving a full on building explosion with only a half charred face)…just not in ample amounts. Also, there are certain limits when the film only features two characters shooting at each other for half the film. And the other half of the film takes way too much time in introducing the characters, as there isn’t really a whole lot that makes them tick to begin with (Batanic’s the cocky, burned out war vet type and Sergei’s a brainwashed creation of Communist warfare). The film even lacks the usual unintentional humor that normally loads A.I.P. productions (though there are occasional howlers…heheheh, “Sergei loves all girls!”). Unfortunately, this just turns out to be a very forgettable David Prior effort, aside from Z’Dar pulling out every facial expression for his bucket sized face (the scene where William Smith’s Russian General threatens to shoot Sergei’s parents is priceless…pricelessly bad!).
Body Count/Violence: 3. Three? What the hell, man? Aren’t A.I.P. films supposed to have dead bodies literally tossed onto the set from both sides just to make things look credible? Hence, this is one of the limitations The Final Sanction faces. With two guys shooting at each other for the better part of 45 minutes, that’s all that really happens. And if you’re expecting a lot of innocent bystanders to end up as collateral damage…well, keep expecting. Aside from intermittent shooting and explosions, the only novelty is that Sergei’s main weapons consist of what look for the entire world like projectile gardening trowels. SERGEI LOVES GARDENING!
Sexuality/Nudity: None.
Language/Dialogue: Only occasionally strong.
How bad was it?:
No reviews are listed for it but the fan feedback isn’t exactly glowing.
Did it make the studio’s day?:
Filmed in the Prior’s backyard (probably literally at some points) of Mobile, Alabama, The Final Sanction was given a direct-to-video release through A.I.P. Video on 11/30/90. There are no box office figures for it but you’ll be happy to know you can purchase it on VHS for the low price of $4.99! Or more likely, you’ll hypothetically purchase it and feel happier keeping your real $4.99.
Film: */*****
Entertainment value: *1/2/*****
Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.
The Crippled Masters
The Action Mutant…
can’t believe certain films are made….like this one.
The Crippled Masters
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
It’s funny; I would always pick this DVD up and look at it if I was in an FYE or something. I would glance at the cover and usually put it down within five seconds, going to browse another DVD in the process. One day, I noticed the $6.99 price tag and decided to give it a closer look. In looking at the cover, I finally noticed something: THE MAN HAS NO FUCKING ARMS! Seriously, I know I wasn’t paying attention but you would think I would notice if someone’s arms were missing, right? I guess it just shows me that sometimes, you CAN take the title literally. Well, it got my attention. Was it worth it?
The Plot, as it was:
Frankie Shum and Jackie Conn star as two members of a criminal gang that are betrayed by their leader for no particular reason. One (Shum) get’s his arms cut off with a sword, while the other (Conn) has acid poured on his legs to render them useless. The two eventually decide to gain some revenge and with the help of an old karate master that sleeps in a wicker basket (!), they team together and turn their handicaps into strengths to take on the villains.
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
This is in the realm of cinema of such films as Freaks and The Terror of Tiny Town, where physical handicaps are exploited and audiences are either delighted or uneasy. Or both. TCM was actually inspired from a 1978 kung fu film dubbed The Crippled Avengers. However, whereas the heroes were crippled within the confines of that film, the Masters were genuinely crippled in real life. Frankie Shum was left with no arms (well, a nub for the left one) due to the drug Thalidomide and Jackie Conn’s legs were withered due to a birth defect. They only starred in three films, which all had to do with martial arts and their bodily deficiencies. The genuine handicap adds a definite curiosity to the film, which is otherwise pretty bad. The villains are nothing out of the ordinary (other than the leader having a supposedly iron back hump), the dubbing is expectedly atrocious and the editing is plainly obvious. The editing is very noticeable with the fight sequences involving the Masters, as they are pieced together almost move by move instead of the continuous five minute fights scenes with no cuts. Although the whole story may be a bit unsettling to some, I was honestly in awe when the Master’s fight sequences came up. Pieced together or not, the fact that they could do anything, let alone some of the very complex sequences featured, is a feat to behold. The rest of the film may be below par (ok, the wicker basket guy was cool) but its oddness factor and amazing fights proves to be worth even the slightest look. Revolted or inspired, at least you will say it was something different.
Body Count/Violence: 5. Lots of kung fu action, though there isn’t much weapon use along with it. No real novelty deaths, just the standard “body tenses up, make facial twitch, spit out blood and die” type of martial arts death. The damaging of the limbs make for the bloodiest scenes, though they aren’t too graphic (note how the blood disappears and reappears on Shum’s nub).
Sexuality/Nudity: None.
Language/Dialogue: Nothing much, just the kung fu standard “bastard” once in a while.
How bad was it?:
Most critics say it’s pretty bad, even with the curiosity value it carries. Along with the usual bad editing and dubbing, the exploitation element rubs some critics the wrong way.
Did it make the studio’s day?:
There is no information on what studio originally made this, as it was made in 1979. New Line Cinema handled its theatrical and video release in 1982, though there is no info on its box office stats. There aren’t even any credits at the film’s beginning or end! You can find it on DVD under Diamond Entertainment.
Film: *1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ****/*****
Copyright 2007 The Action Mutant.
can’t believe certain films are made….like this one.
The Crippled Masters
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
It’s funny; I would always pick this DVD up and look at it if I was in an FYE or something. I would glance at the cover and usually put it down within five seconds, going to browse another DVD in the process. One day, I noticed the $6.99 price tag and decided to give it a closer look. In looking at the cover, I finally noticed something: THE MAN HAS NO FUCKING ARMS! Seriously, I know I wasn’t paying attention but you would think I would notice if someone’s arms were missing, right? I guess it just shows me that sometimes, you CAN take the title literally. Well, it got my attention. Was it worth it?
The Plot, as it was:
Frankie Shum and Jackie Conn star as two members of a criminal gang that are betrayed by their leader for no particular reason. One (Shum) get’s his arms cut off with a sword, while the other (Conn) has acid poured on his legs to render them useless. The two eventually decide to gain some revenge and with the help of an old karate master that sleeps in a wicker basket (!), they team together and turn their handicaps into strengths to take on the villains.
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
This is in the realm of cinema of such films as Freaks and The Terror of Tiny Town, where physical handicaps are exploited and audiences are either delighted or uneasy. Or both. TCM was actually inspired from a 1978 kung fu film dubbed The Crippled Avengers. However, whereas the heroes were crippled within the confines of that film, the Masters were genuinely crippled in real life. Frankie Shum was left with no arms (well, a nub for the left one) due to the drug Thalidomide and Jackie Conn’s legs were withered due to a birth defect. They only starred in three films, which all had to do with martial arts and their bodily deficiencies. The genuine handicap adds a definite curiosity to the film, which is otherwise pretty bad. The villains are nothing out of the ordinary (other than the leader having a supposedly iron back hump), the dubbing is expectedly atrocious and the editing is plainly obvious. The editing is very noticeable with the fight sequences involving the Masters, as they are pieced together almost move by move instead of the continuous five minute fights scenes with no cuts. Although the whole story may be a bit unsettling to some, I was honestly in awe when the Master’s fight sequences came up. Pieced together or not, the fact that they could do anything, let alone some of the very complex sequences featured, is a feat to behold. The rest of the film may be below par (ok, the wicker basket guy was cool) but its oddness factor and amazing fights proves to be worth even the slightest look. Revolted or inspired, at least you will say it was something different.
Body Count/Violence: 5. Lots of kung fu action, though there isn’t much weapon use along with it. No real novelty deaths, just the standard “body tenses up, make facial twitch, spit out blood and die” type of martial arts death. The damaging of the limbs make for the bloodiest scenes, though they aren’t too graphic (note how the blood disappears and reappears on Shum’s nub).
Sexuality/Nudity: None.
Language/Dialogue: Nothing much, just the kung fu standard “bastard” once in a while.
How bad was it?:
Most critics say it’s pretty bad, even with the curiosity value it carries. Along with the usual bad editing and dubbing, the exploitation element rubs some critics the wrong way.
Did it make the studio’s day?:
There is no information on what studio originally made this, as it was made in 1979. New Line Cinema handled its theatrical and video release in 1982, though there is no info on its box office stats. There aren’t even any credits at the film’s beginning or end! You can find it on DVD under Diamond Entertainment.
Film: *1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ****/*****
Copyright 2007 The Action Mutant.
The Chase (1994)
The Action Mutant…
has been Straight Edge for about 5 hours now!
The Chase (1994)
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
Man, the 1990s was an F’ed up decade for film, wasn’t it? Aside from ending the decade with the last classic year in cinema (doesn’t anyone remember how many great films there were in ’99?), 90s cinema was also in a race to be more totally self-conscious in its culture than the 80s was. And boy was the nail hit on the head a number of times! Who can forget Cool as Ice? Or Jury Duty? Or High School High? Ok, there were better examples of 90s cinema having their fingers on the pulse of American culture. There was even a film that had to do with a California police chase…except it was released months before the one you’re thinking of. Remember, contact the FBI if you know who the real killers are.
The Plot, as it was:
Charlie Sheen is Jack Hammond, an honest schlep that has just been wrongly convicted of being a clown-faced criminal known as the “Red Nosed Robber”. Not wanting to become housemates with a prisoner named Bubba just yet, Jack takes a pretty young thing named Natalie (Kristy Swanson) hostage and the two speed off onto the California highway. Of course, he just happened to kidnap the heiress of millionaire Dalton Voss (Ray Wise), which means this is not Jack’s day. Within moments, all kinds of cops and news reporters are on the chase, trailing the duo as Jack heads off to Tijuana. Of course, the two hate each other at first but…you know.
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Well, you got to give it to the makers of The Chase; it’s not boring. At 94 minutes, the film spends no time on setup or anything and just jumps right into the fray. Director Adam Rifkin follows the first rule of Car Chase Films 101: Don’t let the action lag (and add some kick ass music, like NOFX and Bad Religion). There is always something just short of the kitchen sink being thrown out to grab your attention and by the end of it; your 90 minutes on a rainy afternoon have been killed effectively. As a nice surprise, there are some good satiric moments as it concerns the fine line the news media walks between information and entertainment (such as a reporter hanging off the side of a speeding news van to get an interview). I also got to give points for the casting of this effort. Charlie does his usual “young Leslie Nielsen” shtick to perfection and has pretty good chemistry with Buffy #1. And any film that has Henry Rollins as a cop (of all things), Cary Elwes as a newscaster named Steve Horsegroovy, Anthony Kiedis & Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers as two valley boy troublemakers AND Ron Jeremy as your cameraman, deserves some sort of merit. The ending does blow, however, as the easy way out is taken and everything kind of falls flat. Regardless, The Chase is a fun ride as long as you don’t think too much (and are patient enough to stay until the closing credits are done).
Body Count/Violence: 0. Sure, there is the part where a medical van breaks open and cadavers spill out onto the road. And there is the dream sequence where Sheen walks out of the car and is shot about a dozen times by police. But this is a relatively death-less movie. It’s ok though because the vehicular collateral damage is pretty high (though it’s not Smokey and the Bandit II or anything).
Sexuality/Nudity: Swanson mounts Sheen while he’s driving and the two engage in a little “highway delight”. Nothing’s shown or anything and it’s a pretty ridiculous scene, as it’s filmed with sunny backdrops outside the windows and has several quick cuts. Rifkin must have thought that was the bomb when it was brainstormed during the sleepover with the writers. Still, I can’t knock them too much because it’s Kristy Swanson.
Language/Dialogue: An F bomb or two is dropped, along with some milder stuff. Remember, we got to get the kids out to the theaters somehow, hence the PG-13.
How bad was it?:
It was dumped on by a lot of critics but some called it a pleasant surprise. The latter critics accepted it as being popcorn fare, which is really all it is.
Did it make the studio’s day?:
20th Century Fox released The Chase on 3/4/94. It finished 5th and fell all the way to 13th the next week, necessitating a 49% drop in audience. The film grossed only $8 million in its run and (though no budget records were released) was pretty much D.O.A.
Like Kristy Swanson’s career (groan).
Film: **1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ***1/2/*****
Copyright 2007 The Action Mutant.
has been Straight Edge for about 5 hours now!
The Chase (1994)
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
Man, the 1990s was an F’ed up decade for film, wasn’t it? Aside from ending the decade with the last classic year in cinema (doesn’t anyone remember how many great films there were in ’99?), 90s cinema was also in a race to be more totally self-conscious in its culture than the 80s was. And boy was the nail hit on the head a number of times! Who can forget Cool as Ice? Or Jury Duty? Or High School High? Ok, there were better examples of 90s cinema having their fingers on the pulse of American culture. There was even a film that had to do with a California police chase…except it was released months before the one you’re thinking of. Remember, contact the FBI if you know who the real killers are.
The Plot, as it was:
Charlie Sheen is Jack Hammond, an honest schlep that has just been wrongly convicted of being a clown-faced criminal known as the “Red Nosed Robber”. Not wanting to become housemates with a prisoner named Bubba just yet, Jack takes a pretty young thing named Natalie (Kristy Swanson) hostage and the two speed off onto the California highway. Of course, he just happened to kidnap the heiress of millionaire Dalton Voss (Ray Wise), which means this is not Jack’s day. Within moments, all kinds of cops and news reporters are on the chase, trailing the duo as Jack heads off to Tijuana. Of course, the two hate each other at first but…you know.
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Well, you got to give it to the makers of The Chase; it’s not boring. At 94 minutes, the film spends no time on setup or anything and just jumps right into the fray. Director Adam Rifkin follows the first rule of Car Chase Films 101: Don’t let the action lag (and add some kick ass music, like NOFX and Bad Religion). There is always something just short of the kitchen sink being thrown out to grab your attention and by the end of it; your 90 minutes on a rainy afternoon have been killed effectively. As a nice surprise, there are some good satiric moments as it concerns the fine line the news media walks between information and entertainment (such as a reporter hanging off the side of a speeding news van to get an interview). I also got to give points for the casting of this effort. Charlie does his usual “young Leslie Nielsen” shtick to perfection and has pretty good chemistry with Buffy #1. And any film that has Henry Rollins as a cop (of all things), Cary Elwes as a newscaster named Steve Horsegroovy, Anthony Kiedis & Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers as two valley boy troublemakers AND Ron Jeremy as your cameraman, deserves some sort of merit. The ending does blow, however, as the easy way out is taken and everything kind of falls flat. Regardless, The Chase is a fun ride as long as you don’t think too much (and are patient enough to stay until the closing credits are done).
Body Count/Violence: 0. Sure, there is the part where a medical van breaks open and cadavers spill out onto the road. And there is the dream sequence where Sheen walks out of the car and is shot about a dozen times by police. But this is a relatively death-less movie. It’s ok though because the vehicular collateral damage is pretty high (though it’s not Smokey and the Bandit II or anything).
Sexuality/Nudity: Swanson mounts Sheen while he’s driving and the two engage in a little “highway delight”. Nothing’s shown or anything and it’s a pretty ridiculous scene, as it’s filmed with sunny backdrops outside the windows and has several quick cuts. Rifkin must have thought that was the bomb when it was brainstormed during the sleepover with the writers. Still, I can’t knock them too much because it’s Kristy Swanson.
Language/Dialogue: An F bomb or two is dropped, along with some milder stuff. Remember, we got to get the kids out to the theaters somehow, hence the PG-13.
How bad was it?:
It was dumped on by a lot of critics but some called it a pleasant surprise. The latter critics accepted it as being popcorn fare, which is really all it is.
Did it make the studio’s day?:
20th Century Fox released The Chase on 3/4/94. It finished 5th and fell all the way to 13th the next week, necessitating a 49% drop in audience. The film grossed only $8 million in its run and (though no budget records were released) was pretty much D.O.A.
Like Kristy Swanson’s career (groan).
Film: **1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ***1/2/*****
Copyright 2007 The Action Mutant.
That's Action (1991)
The Action Mutant…
does not lend his name to this particular product in any way.
That’s Action (1991)
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
Believe it or not,
This gig won’t cover my cab fare
I never thought I could work for free-ee-e!
Pawning away a swing and a chair
Who could it be?
Believe it or not, it's A.I.P!
Heh. Robert Culp.
The Plot, as it was:
Robert Culp (TV’s I Spy & The Greatest American Hero, Big Bad Mama II) hosts a highlight reel of scenes from…get ready…films produced by Action International Pictures! Whether its segments on chases, fights, shootouts or stunts, Robert is there to introduce them with the type of fervor you would imagine someone getting paid with a ham sandwich and Diet RC Cola would. Along the way, he highlights several B movie luminaries that grace these films (David Carradine, Robert Ginty, Oliver Reed, Reb Brown, Ted “DANTON” Pryor, William Zipp, etc.) and adds in worn sayings, such as “I bet that had to hurt” and “That’s not my idea of a Sunday swim!” After the credits roll, he most likely pulls out his wallet photo of him and Bill Cosby from I Spy and spits on it.
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
As ridiculous as it seems for a film studio to put together a serious highlight reel when they’ve only been in business five years, imagine trying to watch it! Despite clocking in at 77 minutes, That’s Action (or This is Action, as the main titles in the program state) feels like every bit of the two hours it is allotted on TV. Culp’s introductions do nothing to make us want to get into what is coming up next and the footage that follows usually confirms that. There are a few fun clips (which I’ll get to below) and it might be better for some to catch them here (as opposed to the films themselves, which are risky propositions at best). In the end, That’s Action is barely good enough to act as a gratuitous fix for violence since A.I.P.’s films are not exactly technical masterpieces and the format grows tiresome quickly.
Body Count/Violence: I didn’t feel comfortable with clocking up the bodies in a glorified highlight reel because I don’t know how the characters died in context within the stories of the films (i.e. Did they appear to die, only to come back later on?, etc.). The viewer basically gets a little bit of everything in each segment (as mentioned above) so bodies aren’t always flying left and right. However, there are two lengthy clips from Rage to Kill so the final total is probably in the 60-70 range. In lieu of an actual count, I’ll list some highlights:
- David Carradine summoning his robotic arm to fly through the air and pound Robert Tessier to death in Future Force!
- Night Wars, where Vietnam vets fight soldiers in their dreams, complete with shooting guns at the ceiling while they're sleeping and Dan Haggerty praying for their gas sniffin’, orphan beatin’ souls!
- Ollie Reed’s demented target practice in Rage to Kill!
- A clip from an unknown film where a man thanks his girlfriend for getting him an important envelope, then promptly chucks her out of the helicopter they're flying in!
- The training montage from Mankillers!
- The clips from Aerobicide, where a model fries in a tanning bed and a serial killer uses the stupidest weapon ever!
- SPACE MUTINY! (The chase scene highlighted reminds me of the MST3K episode on it: “This vehicle may reach speeds in excess of 3! Sound the siren! *cue circus music*).
- DEADLY FUCKING PREY!
Sexuality/Nudity: A black woman with big jugs gets stabbed in the shower in Aerobicide. I can’t help but to also mention the skimpy costumes in Mankillers.
Language/Dialogue: Some here and there.
How bad was it?: No reviews but IMDB’s reader rating is 3.0/10.
Did it make the studio’s day?: Are you kidding?
Film: *1/2/*****
Entertainment value: **/*****
Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.
does not lend his name to this particular product in any way.
That’s Action (1991)
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
Believe it or not,
This gig won’t cover my cab fare
I never thought I could work for free-ee-e!
Pawning away a swing and a chair
Who could it be?
Believe it or not, it's A.I.P!
Heh. Robert Culp.
The Plot, as it was:
Robert Culp (TV’s I Spy & The Greatest American Hero, Big Bad Mama II) hosts a highlight reel of scenes from…get ready…films produced by Action International Pictures! Whether its segments on chases, fights, shootouts or stunts, Robert is there to introduce them with the type of fervor you would imagine someone getting paid with a ham sandwich and Diet RC Cola would. Along the way, he highlights several B movie luminaries that grace these films (David Carradine, Robert Ginty, Oliver Reed, Reb Brown, Ted “DANTON” Pryor, William Zipp, etc.) and adds in worn sayings, such as “I bet that had to hurt” and “That’s not my idea of a Sunday swim!” After the credits roll, he most likely pulls out his wallet photo of him and Bill Cosby from I Spy and spits on it.
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
As ridiculous as it seems for a film studio to put together a serious highlight reel when they’ve only been in business five years, imagine trying to watch it! Despite clocking in at 77 minutes, That’s Action (or This is Action, as the main titles in the program state) feels like every bit of the two hours it is allotted on TV. Culp’s introductions do nothing to make us want to get into what is coming up next and the footage that follows usually confirms that. There are a few fun clips (which I’ll get to below) and it might be better for some to catch them here (as opposed to the films themselves, which are risky propositions at best). In the end, That’s Action is barely good enough to act as a gratuitous fix for violence since A.I.P.’s films are not exactly technical masterpieces and the format grows tiresome quickly.
Body Count/Violence: I didn’t feel comfortable with clocking up the bodies in a glorified highlight reel because I don’t know how the characters died in context within the stories of the films (i.e. Did they appear to die, only to come back later on?, etc.). The viewer basically gets a little bit of everything in each segment (as mentioned above) so bodies aren’t always flying left and right. However, there are two lengthy clips from Rage to Kill so the final total is probably in the 60-70 range. In lieu of an actual count, I’ll list some highlights:
- David Carradine summoning his robotic arm to fly through the air and pound Robert Tessier to death in Future Force!
- Night Wars, where Vietnam vets fight soldiers in their dreams, complete with shooting guns at the ceiling while they're sleeping and Dan Haggerty praying for their gas sniffin’, orphan beatin’ souls!
- Ollie Reed’s demented target practice in Rage to Kill!
- A clip from an unknown film where a man thanks his girlfriend for getting him an important envelope, then promptly chucks her out of the helicopter they're flying in!
- The training montage from Mankillers!
- The clips from Aerobicide, where a model fries in a tanning bed and a serial killer uses the stupidest weapon ever!
- SPACE MUTINY! (The chase scene highlighted reminds me of the MST3K episode on it: “This vehicle may reach speeds in excess of 3! Sound the siren! *cue circus music*).
- DEADLY FUCKING PREY!
Sexuality/Nudity: A black woman with big jugs gets stabbed in the shower in Aerobicide. I can’t help but to also mention the skimpy costumes in Mankillers.
Language/Dialogue: Some here and there.
How bad was it?: No reviews but IMDB’s reader rating is 3.0/10.
Did it make the studio’s day?: Are you kidding?
Film: *1/2/*****
Entertainment value: **/*****
Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.
Supercop
The Action Mutant…
is getting too old for this shit!
Supercop
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
After the huge box office success of the Jackie Chan vehicle Rumble in the Bronx (third times the charm!), everyone and their Uncle Bill Tung wanted in on the money. Suddenly, small video companies started churning out copies of Chan’s previous films like they were crack. All kinds of Chan literature started to spring up from nowhere. And (most of all) American film distributors were getting in line to be in the Jackie Chan business. While New Line Cinema eventually reaped the most benefits (mainly through the Rush Hour films), Dimension Films had a good thing going as well. The Bob Weinstein backed division of Miramax took to releasing previous Chan films in American theaters, to the tune of one every few months. This gave American audiences the impression (and really reinforced the fact) that Chan was the “hardest working man in action cinema”. The 1992 Golden Harvest release Supercop (aka Police Story III) was the first of these films.
The Plot, as it was:
Chan plays Chan Ka Kui, a cop who is hired to go undercover to bust up a drug smuggling ring. He has mistakenly gotten the reputation of a “super cop”, which he doesn’t necessarily dismiss right away. He gets teamed up with lovely female cop Jessica Yang (Michelle Yeoh) and breaks out the ring’s middle man, simply named Panther (Wah Yuen). Of course, the façade doesn’t last and the duo must bust the ring up before they are eventually busted up.
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Forget the plot. Seriously. If you go into a Jackie Chan film looking for a plot, you will lose. Forget the conventional storyline and sit back and watch Jackie do what he does best: nearly kill himself for his art. Jackie’s the rare breed of cat that will jump from a rooftop to a ladder strung from a helicopter, fight on top of a speeding train and outrun people by mine cart. As usual, Chan and director Stanley Tong throw in everything but the proverbial kitchen sink, which more than enough to distract from the fact that we’ve seen this tale before. If that weren’t enough, Supercop features the breakout role of Michelle Yeoh (Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, Tomorrow Never Dies). She does everything to establish herself as the “female Jackie Chan”, as she goes crashing into car windshields and jumping her motorbike onto the top of the aforementioned speeding train. Add in Maggie Cheung (as Chan’s girlfriend, who manages to get dropped from a helicopter onto a car through convoluted circumstances) and the always fun Bill Tung (who gets to play Jackie’s “grandmother” at one point….don’t ask) and you have the usual, crazy fun Chan thrill ride.
Body Count/Violence: 47. There is more gunfire here than in most Chan films (given this is more an “Action/Thriller” than “Martial Arts”), so there are more dead bodies than usual. The rest come from explosions at the drug lord’s compound and the climactic train fight. An unusual death has a crime boss getting his head bashed in with a piece of fruit.
Sexuality/Nudity: What do you think? It’s a Jackie Chan film, so everything’s playful here. Jackie flirts with his girlfriend and Ofc. Yang but it never goes anywhere. There’s an amusing sequence in which Jackie has an entire hotel staff convinced his girlfriend’s a hooker. All and all, good times abound.
Language/Dialogue: Nothing strong, just an SOB and an S-bomb or two. There are a few Fs courtesy of the soundtrack of Gangsta Rap laid down by Dimension for its American release but it’s played at such a low level, you may not notice. (Note: The soundtrack is one of the few horrible ideas used to “Americanize” these releases by Dimension. Though Devo’s title track did leave me chanting “SU-PER-COP!” for minutes afterwards.)
How bad was it?:
Supercop got pleasant but not overwhelming reviews in the States. Those new with Chan absolutely loved it, while those more familiar with him put it slightly above his usual best.
Did it make the studio’s day?:
Surprisingly, this was considered a disappointment in Hong Kong originally in 1992 (which was due to the audience being burned out on the genre, though it grossed $32.6 million HK). It was released by Dimension for American audiences on 7/26/96 and did fairly well, opening in 6th place. The American release differed slightly, being shortened by 3 minutes (91 as opposed to 94), given a new soundtrack and opening credit sequence and (of course) dubbed horribly. They also changed Chan’s character name and dubbed Yeoh “Michelle Khan”, as if “Yeoh” was so impossible to pronounce. The film spent three weeks in American cinema and grossed a respectable $16.3 million.
Film: ***/*****
Entertainment value: ****/*****
Copyright 2007 The Action Mutant.
is getting too old for this shit!
Supercop
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
After the huge box office success of the Jackie Chan vehicle Rumble in the Bronx (third times the charm!), everyone and their Uncle Bill Tung wanted in on the money. Suddenly, small video companies started churning out copies of Chan’s previous films like they were crack. All kinds of Chan literature started to spring up from nowhere. And (most of all) American film distributors were getting in line to be in the Jackie Chan business. While New Line Cinema eventually reaped the most benefits (mainly through the Rush Hour films), Dimension Films had a good thing going as well. The Bob Weinstein backed division of Miramax took to releasing previous Chan films in American theaters, to the tune of one every few months. This gave American audiences the impression (and really reinforced the fact) that Chan was the “hardest working man in action cinema”. The 1992 Golden Harvest release Supercop (aka Police Story III) was the first of these films.
The Plot, as it was:
Chan plays Chan Ka Kui, a cop who is hired to go undercover to bust up a drug smuggling ring. He has mistakenly gotten the reputation of a “super cop”, which he doesn’t necessarily dismiss right away. He gets teamed up with lovely female cop Jessica Yang (Michelle Yeoh) and breaks out the ring’s middle man, simply named Panther (Wah Yuen). Of course, the façade doesn’t last and the duo must bust the ring up before they are eventually busted up.
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Forget the plot. Seriously. If you go into a Jackie Chan film looking for a plot, you will lose. Forget the conventional storyline and sit back and watch Jackie do what he does best: nearly kill himself for his art. Jackie’s the rare breed of cat that will jump from a rooftop to a ladder strung from a helicopter, fight on top of a speeding train and outrun people by mine cart. As usual, Chan and director Stanley Tong throw in everything but the proverbial kitchen sink, which more than enough to distract from the fact that we’ve seen this tale before. If that weren’t enough, Supercop features the breakout role of Michelle Yeoh (Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, Tomorrow Never Dies). She does everything to establish herself as the “female Jackie Chan”, as she goes crashing into car windshields and jumping her motorbike onto the top of the aforementioned speeding train. Add in Maggie Cheung (as Chan’s girlfriend, who manages to get dropped from a helicopter onto a car through convoluted circumstances) and the always fun Bill Tung (who gets to play Jackie’s “grandmother” at one point….don’t ask) and you have the usual, crazy fun Chan thrill ride.
Body Count/Violence: 47. There is more gunfire here than in most Chan films (given this is more an “Action/Thriller” than “Martial Arts”), so there are more dead bodies than usual. The rest come from explosions at the drug lord’s compound and the climactic train fight. An unusual death has a crime boss getting his head bashed in with a piece of fruit.
Sexuality/Nudity: What do you think? It’s a Jackie Chan film, so everything’s playful here. Jackie flirts with his girlfriend and Ofc. Yang but it never goes anywhere. There’s an amusing sequence in which Jackie has an entire hotel staff convinced his girlfriend’s a hooker. All and all, good times abound.
Language/Dialogue: Nothing strong, just an SOB and an S-bomb or two. There are a few Fs courtesy of the soundtrack of Gangsta Rap laid down by Dimension for its American release but it’s played at such a low level, you may not notice. (Note: The soundtrack is one of the few horrible ideas used to “Americanize” these releases by Dimension. Though Devo’s title track did leave me chanting “SU-PER-COP!” for minutes afterwards.)
How bad was it?:
Supercop got pleasant but not overwhelming reviews in the States. Those new with Chan absolutely loved it, while those more familiar with him put it slightly above his usual best.
Did it make the studio’s day?:
Surprisingly, this was considered a disappointment in Hong Kong originally in 1992 (which was due to the audience being burned out on the genre, though it grossed $32.6 million HK). It was released by Dimension for American audiences on 7/26/96 and did fairly well, opening in 6th place. The American release differed slightly, being shortened by 3 minutes (91 as opposed to 94), given a new soundtrack and opening credit sequence and (of course) dubbed horribly. They also changed Chan’s character name and dubbed Yeoh “Michelle Khan”, as if “Yeoh” was so impossible to pronounce. The film spent three weeks in American cinema and grossed a respectable $16.3 million.
Film: ***/*****
Entertainment value: ****/*****
Copyright 2007 The Action Mutant.
Striking Distance
The Action Mutant…
knows about distance…because of restraining orders.
Striking Distance
review by Joe Burrows
(written September 13, 2007)
Perspective:
A few months ago, my Film Aesthetics teacher said Bruce Willis would be the man to save America, post 9/11. It certainly seemed like that at one time but has anyone viewed the John Rambo online grindhouse trailer? It just may be the most violent movie EVER! I mean seriously…blood filled exploding bodies? It was at that moment of the trailer that I knew Rambo could take this country back, like he did 20+ years ago. The question is: will we let him? He had so much of an easier time back then. He didn’t have to deal with the Christian Bales or the Clive Owens. They just didn’t exist yet! And besides…how can we trust Bruce if he can’t even handle a small skirmish in the rivers of Pennsylvania?
The Plot, as it was:
Willis is Tom Hardy, a Pittsburgh cop who is persona non gratis with the force after testifying against his partner (the late Robert Pastorelli) on a police brutality charge. On the way to the annual Policeman’s Ball, his dad Vince (John Mahoney) is killed after attempting to chase down the “Polish Hill Strangler”, a guy who kills women and taunts police over the phone with the Sam the Sham & the Pharaohs tune “Lil’ Red Riding Hood”. Two years later, Hardy is a drunken wreck still reviled by the force, only now he is a River Rescue officer. He still believes his dad’s killer is on the loose, despite the case being closed and someone being arrested for the murder. However, he’s saddled by his demons and a female partner named Jo (Sarah Jessica Parker) who goes by the book. And wouldn’t you know, there is another strangler on the streets killing women…women that are linked to one Tom Hardy. Makes you wish everyone thinking you’re an asshole was your biggest problem, eh?
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Striking Distance has a place in my cinematic heart. Why? Because there hasn’t been a film in history that has striven so badly to be 100% unoriginal in every way possible! How can you not admire that commitment? Hell, the whole “playing a song as a calling card” gimmick is lifted straight from Sea of Love, a film that is not surprisingly superior in every sense. Director Rowdy (Roddy?) Herrington and writer Martin Kaplin have every cliché sandwiched into 103 minutes, with it coming just short of reaching parody level. It’s pretty bad when you can figure out who the killer is 10-15 minutes into the film! And it’s not even because of the lazy characterization…look at the killer’s hairstyle during the end of the opening credits and match it up to someone featured shortly thereafter. It’s pretty poetic that the filmmakers were too lazy to even think of putting a hooded sweatshirt over their killer to disguise him! The sad part is that the film boasts a pretty amazing ensemble cast that is wasted at just about every turn. Dennis Farina comes off the best as Tom’s police captain uncle Nick, as he seems to revel in delivering hard boiled cop dialogue. And the late Brion James manages to do what he does best: playing a complete asshole to the hilt. But the rest of the waste of talent is criminal (no pun intended). Mahoney is only on screen for ten minutes and Andre Braugher (as a prosecutor) only gets two scenes to work with. Tom Sizemore (as Tom’s drunk cousin Danny) and Timothy Busfield (Tom’s RR supervisor) only seem to be around for the sole purpose to yell profanities at Tom and Pastorelli acts like a whacked out, sputtering madman at every turn of his screen time. The opposite is true for the two leads, as Parker doesn’t excitedly tackle the “token female” role and Willis is so stoic at times, it’s easy to realize he’d rather be anywhere else. It’s telling that a film that is so “by-the-numbers” is lead by two actors going through the motions. And yet, the film is competently paced and the actors manage to keep it alive just enough to make it watchable. It would be more watchable if you could make a drinking game to it: take a drink after spotting each cliché! Don’t try it though…I don’t like to encourage suicide.
Body Count/Violence: 13. Even the action is unoriginal! The women aren’t murdered on screen; they’re all found dead in the water. The rest of the film includes shootings, drunken fistfights, taser shocks, etc. The car chase at the beginning is pretty sweet, though.
Sexuality/Nudity: Willis and Parker have a roll in the bed that looks like it could have gotten much steamier. Alas, he’s just bare-chested and she’s in her bra and panties. It did make me kind of sad, as it reminded me that Parker is the only Sex in the City cast member to not go nude on that show.
Language/Dialogue: Pretty strong. Half of Busfield’s lines consist of “Hardy, you fuckin’ asshole!”
How bad was it?:
How is this for yaw: the star of the film is its most ardent critic! On an episode of HBO’s On the Record with Bob Costas in May 2004, Willis proclaimed that the film “sucked” and he was sorry he did it. This coming from the man who’s done Color of Night, North and Mercury Rising. The rest of the critics weren’t that far from Willis’ opinion, as they almost unanimously chided the film as being stale and predictable.
Did it make the studio’s day?:
Willis' star clout made the film the #1 movie in America when Striking Distance debuted on 9/17/93, taking in $8.7 million for Columbia Pictures. However, it sunk faster than one of the dead bodies in the film once word came around. It finished 4th in its second week, then 10th, 13th and 14th in its following weeks! Distance ended up pulling in $24.1 million in its American run, though no budget was revealed.
Film: **/*****
Entertainment value: ***/*****
Copyright 2007 The Action Mutant.
knows about distance…because of restraining orders.
Striking Distance
review by Joe Burrows
(written September 13, 2007)
Perspective:
A few months ago, my Film Aesthetics teacher said Bruce Willis would be the man to save America, post 9/11. It certainly seemed like that at one time but has anyone viewed the John Rambo online grindhouse trailer? It just may be the most violent movie EVER! I mean seriously…blood filled exploding bodies? It was at that moment of the trailer that I knew Rambo could take this country back, like he did 20+ years ago. The question is: will we let him? He had so much of an easier time back then. He didn’t have to deal with the Christian Bales or the Clive Owens. They just didn’t exist yet! And besides…how can we trust Bruce if he can’t even handle a small skirmish in the rivers of Pennsylvania?
The Plot, as it was:
Willis is Tom Hardy, a Pittsburgh cop who is persona non gratis with the force after testifying against his partner (the late Robert Pastorelli) on a police brutality charge. On the way to the annual Policeman’s Ball, his dad Vince (John Mahoney) is killed after attempting to chase down the “Polish Hill Strangler”, a guy who kills women and taunts police over the phone with the Sam the Sham & the Pharaohs tune “Lil’ Red Riding Hood”. Two years later, Hardy is a drunken wreck still reviled by the force, only now he is a River Rescue officer. He still believes his dad’s killer is on the loose, despite the case being closed and someone being arrested for the murder. However, he’s saddled by his demons and a female partner named Jo (Sarah Jessica Parker) who goes by the book. And wouldn’t you know, there is another strangler on the streets killing women…women that are linked to one Tom Hardy. Makes you wish everyone thinking you’re an asshole was your biggest problem, eh?
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Striking Distance has a place in my cinematic heart. Why? Because there hasn’t been a film in history that has striven so badly to be 100% unoriginal in every way possible! How can you not admire that commitment? Hell, the whole “playing a song as a calling card” gimmick is lifted straight from Sea of Love, a film that is not surprisingly superior in every sense. Director Rowdy (Roddy?) Herrington and writer Martin Kaplin have every cliché sandwiched into 103 minutes, with it coming just short of reaching parody level. It’s pretty bad when you can figure out who the killer is 10-15 minutes into the film! And it’s not even because of the lazy characterization…look at the killer’s hairstyle during the end of the opening credits and match it up to someone featured shortly thereafter. It’s pretty poetic that the filmmakers were too lazy to even think of putting a hooded sweatshirt over their killer to disguise him! The sad part is that the film boasts a pretty amazing ensemble cast that is wasted at just about every turn. Dennis Farina comes off the best as Tom’s police captain uncle Nick, as he seems to revel in delivering hard boiled cop dialogue. And the late Brion James manages to do what he does best: playing a complete asshole to the hilt. But the rest of the waste of talent is criminal (no pun intended). Mahoney is only on screen for ten minutes and Andre Braugher (as a prosecutor) only gets two scenes to work with. Tom Sizemore (as Tom’s drunk cousin Danny) and Timothy Busfield (Tom’s RR supervisor) only seem to be around for the sole purpose to yell profanities at Tom and Pastorelli acts like a whacked out, sputtering madman at every turn of his screen time. The opposite is true for the two leads, as Parker doesn’t excitedly tackle the “token female” role and Willis is so stoic at times, it’s easy to realize he’d rather be anywhere else. It’s telling that a film that is so “by-the-numbers” is lead by two actors going through the motions. And yet, the film is competently paced and the actors manage to keep it alive just enough to make it watchable. It would be more watchable if you could make a drinking game to it: take a drink after spotting each cliché! Don’t try it though…I don’t like to encourage suicide.
Body Count/Violence: 13. Even the action is unoriginal! The women aren’t murdered on screen; they’re all found dead in the water. The rest of the film includes shootings, drunken fistfights, taser shocks, etc. The car chase at the beginning is pretty sweet, though.
Sexuality/Nudity: Willis and Parker have a roll in the bed that looks like it could have gotten much steamier. Alas, he’s just bare-chested and she’s in her bra and panties. It did make me kind of sad, as it reminded me that Parker is the only Sex in the City cast member to not go nude on that show.
Language/Dialogue: Pretty strong. Half of Busfield’s lines consist of “Hardy, you fuckin’ asshole!”
How bad was it?:
How is this for yaw: the star of the film is its most ardent critic! On an episode of HBO’s On the Record with Bob Costas in May 2004, Willis proclaimed that the film “sucked” and he was sorry he did it. This coming from the man who’s done Color of Night, North and Mercury Rising. The rest of the critics weren’t that far from Willis’ opinion, as they almost unanimously chided the film as being stale and predictable.
Did it make the studio’s day?:
Willis' star clout made the film the #1 movie in America when Striking Distance debuted on 9/17/93, taking in $8.7 million for Columbia Pictures. However, it sunk faster than one of the dead bodies in the film once word came around. It finished 4th in its second week, then 10th, 13th and 14th in its following weeks! Distance ended up pulling in $24.1 million in its American run, though no budget was revealed.
Film: **/*****
Entertainment value: ***/*****
Copyright 2007 The Action Mutant.
Steal (aka Riders)
The Action Mutant…
says this movie’s a steal….wink.
Steal (aka Riders)
review by Joe Burrows
(written September 16, 2007)
Perspective:
I was switching through the channels a while back like I usually do and I came across MTV. Now, I do have the highest of contempt for this network (I could go on for pages about it) but I usually catch one video or so a week so I have something else to annoy me. Anyway, a Britney Spears video came on (the song was “Everytime”, according to IMDB) and it was one of those usually self-indulgent, slicked up representations of the artists themselves. I watch on beyond the point of no return and who do I catch in the video playing Brit’s boyfriend? Stephen Dorff, of course! Wasn’t that your first guess? His role in the video was to basically push paparazzi out of the way, yell at Britney and get angry and kick cardboard boxes. After the video, I came to a rather odd conclusion abut our friend, Mr. Dorff. His selection process isn’t exactly propelled by the quality of the projects but by the “cool” factor of them. This may be just one reviewer’s opinion but look at the guy’s career. A lot of his projects seem to be decided by a certain “it” factor. The projects usually either have some sort of edge to them (SFW, Cecil B. Demented) or seem like a good idea at the time (Deuces Wild, Alone in the Dark). He’s had pretty good luck choosing some memorable projects but this film is proof that the conceit sometimes outweighs credibility.
The Plot, as it was:
Dorff plays Slim, a leader of a motley crew of three other Gen-Xers that rob banks and make their getaways on rollerblades. They decide they’re going to do the customary “few more jobs, then retire” route but are soon blackmailed by a mysterious figure into robbing banks and handing their earnings over, lest the mystery person turn them over to police. With the jobs getting increasingly high risk, Slim and the gang must dodge a persistent cop (Natasha Henstridge), her flippant supervisor (Bruce Payne) and a wacky mob boss (Steven Berkoff) and try to stay alive long enough to work for their blackmailers…and to work them.
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Clocking in at a sprite 75 minutes before the closing credits, Steal is one in a long line of “extreme sports” influenced flicks (with flashy MTV style editing) that seem to have the stunts planned out first and will possibly curl out a story a week before shooting begins. From the opening credits sequence to the end, the movie includes several sense bending action sequences that look spectacular at times and eye-rolling at others. I don’t mind suspending disbelief for a story but there’s a limit and Steal manages to cross it several times. The group continually outsmarts their adversaries, yet the script paints some scenes that make it seem like they don’t have a brain between them. Then, there are situations that have them trapped in such horrible predicaments, yet they escape and it’s never fully explained what the F’s going on (such as when they hijack an armored bank car and are surrounded by police on a pier. Solution: put the fucker in reverse and plunge into the bay! They get away with the money AND provide the coppers with life vests! HUH?!?) Dorff plays it all as cool as possible and remains unscathed from this, as does Henstridge because they are both used to the B-movie route. The real eye rolling takes place in trying to figure out who gives the worst performance: Bruce Payne or Steven Berkoff. Payne (Passenger 57) plays the police lieutenant with some sort of drawl that’s supposed to pass as American but it sounds like it wanes every 2 seconds. Try to think Will Patton’s voice put through an electronic voice box and that’s akin to what Payne’s voice is here. Berkoff (Beverly Hills Cop) plays his part with the most stereotypical Southern preacher dialect possible and manages to embarrass himself more by donning a hairpiece that’s worse than Jon Voight’s in Holes! Though it’s less annoying than say XXX: State of the Union or any Fast and the Furious title, no amount of video game-like stunts and edgy trash metal can shelter the stink away from those two performances…and the entire film.
Body Count/Violence: 8. The action is more of the stunt based variety, as there is much rollerblading and car chases abounding. There’s some slo-mo shooting & blood, explosions and people being thrown through windows, etc. A lot of the action is of the CGI variety, which leads to one head-slapping shot of a character being hit head on by a car and flipping in the air like a badly rendered video game image.
Sexuality/Nudity: Henstridge’s character has sex with Dorff in a steam room and shows some rack in a bedroom. I say her “character” because it is obviously a body double. Advice for picking body doubles to future filmmakers: pick someone with a similar skin tone and get a wig that matches the freakin’ hairstyle! Besides, I believe every red-blooded male has Nat’s body memorized after her debut in Species. Jenifer Rae Westley also shows her chest, as “Woman in Bath”.
Language/Dialogue: Fairly strong, as Dorff has to always be angry and edgy.
How bad was it?:
Most of the reviews I read blasted it as mindless action fare, which shouldn’t surprise anyone since the film is technically 75 minutes long. Some of the more forgiving critics praised the stunts for their creativity.
Did it make the studio’s day?:
It did reasonably well everywhere but the U.S. Several companies handled the international releases for this Canadian production, which cost about $15 million to make. Alliance/Atlantis handled the distribution in America and didn’t go wild with over-releasing it. In fact, the film only saw 125 theaters in the U.S. for each of its two weeks (starting 4/25/03), as it brought in an American gross of $220, 944 (or $1,768 per screen).
Film: *1/2/*****
Entertainment value: **1/2/*****
Copyright 2007 The Action Mutant.
says this movie’s a steal….wink.
Steal (aka Riders)
review by Joe Burrows
(written September 16, 2007)
Perspective:
I was switching through the channels a while back like I usually do and I came across MTV. Now, I do have the highest of contempt for this network (I could go on for pages about it) but I usually catch one video or so a week so I have something else to annoy me. Anyway, a Britney Spears video came on (the song was “Everytime”, according to IMDB) and it was one of those usually self-indulgent, slicked up representations of the artists themselves. I watch on beyond the point of no return and who do I catch in the video playing Brit’s boyfriend? Stephen Dorff, of course! Wasn’t that your first guess? His role in the video was to basically push paparazzi out of the way, yell at Britney and get angry and kick cardboard boxes. After the video, I came to a rather odd conclusion abut our friend, Mr. Dorff. His selection process isn’t exactly propelled by the quality of the projects but by the “cool” factor of them. This may be just one reviewer’s opinion but look at the guy’s career. A lot of his projects seem to be decided by a certain “it” factor. The projects usually either have some sort of edge to them (SFW, Cecil B. Demented) or seem like a good idea at the time (Deuces Wild, Alone in the Dark). He’s had pretty good luck choosing some memorable projects but this film is proof that the conceit sometimes outweighs credibility.
The Plot, as it was:
Dorff plays Slim, a leader of a motley crew of three other Gen-Xers that rob banks and make their getaways on rollerblades. They decide they’re going to do the customary “few more jobs, then retire” route but are soon blackmailed by a mysterious figure into robbing banks and handing their earnings over, lest the mystery person turn them over to police. With the jobs getting increasingly high risk, Slim and the gang must dodge a persistent cop (Natasha Henstridge), her flippant supervisor (Bruce Payne) and a wacky mob boss (Steven Berkoff) and try to stay alive long enough to work for their blackmailers…and to work them.
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Clocking in at a sprite 75 minutes before the closing credits, Steal is one in a long line of “extreme sports” influenced flicks (with flashy MTV style editing) that seem to have the stunts planned out first and will possibly curl out a story a week before shooting begins. From the opening credits sequence to the end, the movie includes several sense bending action sequences that look spectacular at times and eye-rolling at others. I don’t mind suspending disbelief for a story but there’s a limit and Steal manages to cross it several times. The group continually outsmarts their adversaries, yet the script paints some scenes that make it seem like they don’t have a brain between them. Then, there are situations that have them trapped in such horrible predicaments, yet they escape and it’s never fully explained what the F’s going on (such as when they hijack an armored bank car and are surrounded by police on a pier. Solution: put the fucker in reverse and plunge into the bay! They get away with the money AND provide the coppers with life vests! HUH?!?) Dorff plays it all as cool as possible and remains unscathed from this, as does Henstridge because they are both used to the B-movie route. The real eye rolling takes place in trying to figure out who gives the worst performance: Bruce Payne or Steven Berkoff. Payne (Passenger 57) plays the police lieutenant with some sort of drawl that’s supposed to pass as American but it sounds like it wanes every 2 seconds. Try to think Will Patton’s voice put through an electronic voice box and that’s akin to what Payne’s voice is here. Berkoff (Beverly Hills Cop) plays his part with the most stereotypical Southern preacher dialect possible and manages to embarrass himself more by donning a hairpiece that’s worse than Jon Voight’s in Holes! Though it’s less annoying than say XXX: State of the Union or any Fast and the Furious title, no amount of video game-like stunts and edgy trash metal can shelter the stink away from those two performances…and the entire film.
Body Count/Violence: 8. The action is more of the stunt based variety, as there is much rollerblading and car chases abounding. There’s some slo-mo shooting & blood, explosions and people being thrown through windows, etc. A lot of the action is of the CGI variety, which leads to one head-slapping shot of a character being hit head on by a car and flipping in the air like a badly rendered video game image.
Sexuality/Nudity: Henstridge’s character has sex with Dorff in a steam room and shows some rack in a bedroom. I say her “character” because it is obviously a body double. Advice for picking body doubles to future filmmakers: pick someone with a similar skin tone and get a wig that matches the freakin’ hairstyle! Besides, I believe every red-blooded male has Nat’s body memorized after her debut in Species. Jenifer Rae Westley also shows her chest, as “Woman in Bath”.
Language/Dialogue: Fairly strong, as Dorff has to always be angry and edgy.
How bad was it?:
Most of the reviews I read blasted it as mindless action fare, which shouldn’t surprise anyone since the film is technically 75 minutes long. Some of the more forgiving critics praised the stunts for their creativity.
Did it make the studio’s day?:
It did reasonably well everywhere but the U.S. Several companies handled the international releases for this Canadian production, which cost about $15 million to make. Alliance/Atlantis handled the distribution in America and didn’t go wild with over-releasing it. In fact, the film only saw 125 theaters in the U.S. for each of its two weeks (starting 4/25/03), as it brought in an American gross of $220, 944 (or $1,768 per screen).
Film: *1/2/*****
Entertainment value: **1/2/*****
Copyright 2007 The Action Mutant.
State of Grace
The Action Mutant…
puts this film’s alcohol level at 5 xs over the legal limit.
State of Grace
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
It seems 1990 was the unofficial year of the “gangster” film. Of course, people will most likely remember two things from that year: the amazing emergence of Scorsese’s Goodfellas and the amazing debacle that became Coppola’s The Godfather Part III. There was enough style and grandeur from both films to overshadow the fact that there were two other films worthy of adoration. And they both happened to feature a respected yet slightly known character actor named John Turturro. One was the offbeat, highly inventive Coen Brothers film Miller’s Crossing, which did decently, given its competition. The other, State of Grace, barely made a blip at the box office and was ultimately forgotten. Hopefully, that fate is only penultimate for what was one of the forgotten gems of the decade.
The Plot, as it was:
Sean Penn stars as Terry Noonan, a neighborhood boy from New York’s Hell’s Kitchen who returns home after a decade away. He meets up with boyhood friend Jackie Flannery (Gary Oldman) and finds out he’s working with his brother Frankie (Ed Harris), who heads up the Irish Mob in the area. Terry also tries to rekindle an old flame with Frankie’s sister, Kathleen (Robin Wright) while moving in closer to the Mob’s company. However, Frankie starts paling up with mob kingpin Borelli (Joe Viterelli) so he can gain higher standing in the neighborhood and is willing to get rid of anyone that stands in his way. When Jackie’s friend Stevie (John C. Reilly) turns up dead in the river, Terry’s suspicions start to flare. Think Terry will have anything to say about it? And, oh yeah…where was Terry those ten years?
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
The story may be as old as cinema itself but that does not derive from the sheer dramatic pleasure of State of Grace. The fact that it’s sharply written is enough to suck you in but the real treat comes in the performances of the name cast. Penn gives it his all with his performance, even though he actually has the least to work with. He basically runs the gamut of emotions and doesn’t have the juicy dialogue that the other characters have (sans his speech that incorporates the film’s title, which is probably his best moment). However, his expression of inner demons works well, as it is aided by an appropriately somber score by Ennio Morricone. Once again, Oldman adds to his list of totally diverse roles and pretty much steals the show as Jackie. As he would prove in Leon: The Professional, Oldman can have a great time stringing the audience along the ride of a total, drug addled sociopath with very few morals. He delivers an amazing dichotomy: Jackie’s a person willing to run through a building he’s torching or to bring a sledgehammer to scare protection money out of someone but all he really wants is to be loyal to friends and family and vice versa. It’s that kind of ideal that separates Jackie from other garden variety psychos in the cinematic world and ultimately makes it one of Oldman’s more memorable roles. Harris is at his most intimidating; he’s a charismatic pit bull who seethes and stews until the time is right to scream for bloodshed (when does he not? Oh yeah, in Stepmom…brrrr). He doesn’t get as many opportunities to fully froth at the mouth like he does in other films but he is still coldly sinister in his approach. Robin Wright gets the thankless “token female” role in a film filled with so much testosterone but she does well playing the distant woman that has been hurt all her life. Everyone plays off of each other very well, including Turturro, Reilly and Burgess Meredith, who has an effective cameo as a down-and-out resident of the neighborhood. It’s nothing new and you might know where it’s all going but everyone involved makes sure you have a hell of a time getting there. Oh, and everyone drinks in the movie…EVERYONE!
Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- Thomas Duffy, who is one of Frankie’s henchmen in the end shootout, was Nirvana in Death Wish II.
- James Russo (Beverly Hills Cop, Extremities) is uncredited as DeMarco.
Body Count/Violence: 11. Director Phil Joanou must have watched some Peckinpah or Woo before doing this film because he certainly channels the style in the film’s violent scenes. Most of the shootings are exploding with blood and in super slo-mo and certainly don’t leave much to the imagination. The 10 minute final shootout at Frankie’s club would certainly be in the annals of bloodiest shootouts in film history if it was longer and involved more people. Hell, it still might be! Terry goes sauntering into the club and blasts Frankie’s entire gang with multiple shots and they don’t just spill blood. It literally looks like balloons of red Kool Aid explode from underneath their shirts with each hit! Terry gets shot numerous times as well, which means only more mayhem.
Sexuality/Nudity: Robin Wright shows off her breasts and ass briefly in a sex scene with Penn and is in a white bra in another scene. I can definitely see why Penn fell for her. At least she has less risk of disease than Madonna.
Language/Dialogue: It is aplenty! The F bomb is apparently dropped 210 times during 134 minutes so the film is definitely not without a Scorsese influence somewhere. My favorite: Jackie proclaiming himself to be “Friar Fuck”.
How bad was it?:
It was mostly met with favorable critical praise, yet there were a few that didn’t favor it due to obvious comparisons to Goodfellas and the like. I guess they would prefer it if only one person made films about the mafia and no one else. The film can’t help that is was released a week before the mob film to end all mob films.
Did it make the studio’s day?:
Hardly. Distributor Orion Pictures decided to basically give the film a death sentence by dropping it in all of 14 theaters on 9/14/90, five days before the release of Goodfellas. With limited publicity and suffering comparisons to the Scorsese film, State of Grace never stood a chance and only earned $1.9 million, with its highest release being 335 screens. What happened to Orion Pictures? Exactly.
Film: ****/*****
Entertainment value: ****1/2/*****
Copyright 2007 The Action Mutant.
puts this film’s alcohol level at 5 xs over the legal limit.
State of Grace
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
It seems 1990 was the unofficial year of the “gangster” film. Of course, people will most likely remember two things from that year: the amazing emergence of Scorsese’s Goodfellas and the amazing debacle that became Coppola’s The Godfather Part III. There was enough style and grandeur from both films to overshadow the fact that there were two other films worthy of adoration. And they both happened to feature a respected yet slightly known character actor named John Turturro. One was the offbeat, highly inventive Coen Brothers film Miller’s Crossing, which did decently, given its competition. The other, State of Grace, barely made a blip at the box office and was ultimately forgotten. Hopefully, that fate is only penultimate for what was one of the forgotten gems of the decade.
The Plot, as it was:
Sean Penn stars as Terry Noonan, a neighborhood boy from New York’s Hell’s Kitchen who returns home after a decade away. He meets up with boyhood friend Jackie Flannery (Gary Oldman) and finds out he’s working with his brother Frankie (Ed Harris), who heads up the Irish Mob in the area. Terry also tries to rekindle an old flame with Frankie’s sister, Kathleen (Robin Wright) while moving in closer to the Mob’s company. However, Frankie starts paling up with mob kingpin Borelli (Joe Viterelli) so he can gain higher standing in the neighborhood and is willing to get rid of anyone that stands in his way. When Jackie’s friend Stevie (John C. Reilly) turns up dead in the river, Terry’s suspicions start to flare. Think Terry will have anything to say about it? And, oh yeah…where was Terry those ten years?
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
The story may be as old as cinema itself but that does not derive from the sheer dramatic pleasure of State of Grace. The fact that it’s sharply written is enough to suck you in but the real treat comes in the performances of the name cast. Penn gives it his all with his performance, even though he actually has the least to work with. He basically runs the gamut of emotions and doesn’t have the juicy dialogue that the other characters have (sans his speech that incorporates the film’s title, which is probably his best moment). However, his expression of inner demons works well, as it is aided by an appropriately somber score by Ennio Morricone. Once again, Oldman adds to his list of totally diverse roles and pretty much steals the show as Jackie. As he would prove in Leon: The Professional, Oldman can have a great time stringing the audience along the ride of a total, drug addled sociopath with very few morals. He delivers an amazing dichotomy: Jackie’s a person willing to run through a building he’s torching or to bring a sledgehammer to scare protection money out of someone but all he really wants is to be loyal to friends and family and vice versa. It’s that kind of ideal that separates Jackie from other garden variety psychos in the cinematic world and ultimately makes it one of Oldman’s more memorable roles. Harris is at his most intimidating; he’s a charismatic pit bull who seethes and stews until the time is right to scream for bloodshed (when does he not? Oh yeah, in Stepmom…brrrr). He doesn’t get as many opportunities to fully froth at the mouth like he does in other films but he is still coldly sinister in his approach. Robin Wright gets the thankless “token female” role in a film filled with so much testosterone but she does well playing the distant woman that has been hurt all her life. Everyone plays off of each other very well, including Turturro, Reilly and Burgess Meredith, who has an effective cameo as a down-and-out resident of the neighborhood. It’s nothing new and you might know where it’s all going but everyone involved makes sure you have a hell of a time getting there. Oh, and everyone drinks in the movie…EVERYONE!
Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- Thomas Duffy, who is one of Frankie’s henchmen in the end shootout, was Nirvana in Death Wish II.
- James Russo (Beverly Hills Cop, Extremities) is uncredited as DeMarco.
Body Count/Violence: 11. Director Phil Joanou must have watched some Peckinpah or Woo before doing this film because he certainly channels the style in the film’s violent scenes. Most of the shootings are exploding with blood and in super slo-mo and certainly don’t leave much to the imagination. The 10 minute final shootout at Frankie’s club would certainly be in the annals of bloodiest shootouts in film history if it was longer and involved more people. Hell, it still might be! Terry goes sauntering into the club and blasts Frankie’s entire gang with multiple shots and they don’t just spill blood. It literally looks like balloons of red Kool Aid explode from underneath their shirts with each hit! Terry gets shot numerous times as well, which means only more mayhem.
Sexuality/Nudity: Robin Wright shows off her breasts and ass briefly in a sex scene with Penn and is in a white bra in another scene. I can definitely see why Penn fell for her. At least she has less risk of disease than Madonna.
Language/Dialogue: It is aplenty! The F bomb is apparently dropped 210 times during 134 minutes so the film is definitely not without a Scorsese influence somewhere. My favorite: Jackie proclaiming himself to be “Friar Fuck”.
How bad was it?:
It was mostly met with favorable critical praise, yet there were a few that didn’t favor it due to obvious comparisons to Goodfellas and the like. I guess they would prefer it if only one person made films about the mafia and no one else. The film can’t help that is was released a week before the mob film to end all mob films.
Did it make the studio’s day?:
Hardly. Distributor Orion Pictures decided to basically give the film a death sentence by dropping it in all of 14 theaters on 9/14/90, five days before the release of Goodfellas. With limited publicity and suffering comparisons to the Scorsese film, State of Grace never stood a chance and only earned $1.9 million, with its highest release being 335 screens. What happened to Orion Pictures? Exactly.
Film: ****/*****
Entertainment value: ****1/2/*****
Copyright 2007 The Action Mutant.
Sister Street Fighter
The Action Mutant…
wants to own his own Grindhouse!
Sister Street Fighter
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
With her popularity rising in Japan, it was only a matter of time before Sue Shiomi got her own showcase. Sister Street Fighter was made before The Street Fighter’s Last Revenge and spawned two sequels (which have yet to be released in the U.S.). Hopefully, the American release is coming, as the plot to the first sequel is a doozy.
The Plot, as it was:
Shiomi is Tina Long, a woman who is out to find her brother, who is an undercover cop captured by a drug cartel and kept drugged in a cell. The criminals consist of many crazy cats, such as kung fu Amazon women, guys that shoot poison darts and a group of helmeted fighters lead by a guy named Hammerhead (Masashi Ishibashi, aka Junjou from The Street Fighter)! Thankfully, Tina gets aid from a female fighter or two, as well as some guy who is simply known as “The Street Fighter”. Gee, I wonder who plays him?
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Well, it’s not a masterpiece or even comparable to The Street Fighter but SSF works in its own trashy, exploitive way. Shiomi provides some fun skill in her fight scenes and she carries herself well in the lead. There isn’t much of a plot, which explains why the exploitation’s been raised up but it’s not like it had to live up to any expectations (…Last Revenge, anyone?) It keeps a fun pace and there are several unintentionally funny moments (such as a woman screaming for heroin, sounding like she’s straight out of a Reefer Madness sequel) that make this just the type of 70s Grindhouse fare to laugh at drunkenly late at night.
Body Count/Violence: 24. Cute as she is, Shiomi doesn’t finish off her opponents quite like Chiba does. The real disappointment comes in the final battle, as Tina and her friends battle the drug lord’s gang. About five minutes into the carnage, we cut to a shot of Tina meeting the drug lord on a hilltop for the FINAL final battle (though this is probably because I’m reviewing the R rated version, not the unrated one). Regardless, there are still neck snaps, swords through the head, skull cracking, poison darts, arrow shots, etc.
Sexuality/Nudity: There’s a topless stripper shot, a topless shot during a rape scene and a woman in lingerie writhing in the throes of heroin withdrawal. Nothing involving our cute hero, however (sorry, can’t help it!).
Language/Dialogue: A little stronger than in the Street Fighter series, though nothing to get worked up over.
How bad was it?:
Most agree it is awful but more of a cheerful awful than anything else. They at least seem to have some fun with the cheesiness.
Did it make the studio’s day?:
Again, no box office record but this was released in the U.S by New Line in February of 1976.
Film: **/*****
Entertainment value: ***1/2/*****
Copyright 2007 The Action Mutant.
wants to own his own Grindhouse!
Sister Street Fighter
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
With her popularity rising in Japan, it was only a matter of time before Sue Shiomi got her own showcase. Sister Street Fighter was made before The Street Fighter’s Last Revenge and spawned two sequels (which have yet to be released in the U.S.). Hopefully, the American release is coming, as the plot to the first sequel is a doozy.
The Plot, as it was:
Shiomi is Tina Long, a woman who is out to find her brother, who is an undercover cop captured by a drug cartel and kept drugged in a cell. The criminals consist of many crazy cats, such as kung fu Amazon women, guys that shoot poison darts and a group of helmeted fighters lead by a guy named Hammerhead (Masashi Ishibashi, aka Junjou from The Street Fighter)! Thankfully, Tina gets aid from a female fighter or two, as well as some guy who is simply known as “The Street Fighter”. Gee, I wonder who plays him?
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Well, it’s not a masterpiece or even comparable to The Street Fighter but SSF works in its own trashy, exploitive way. Shiomi provides some fun skill in her fight scenes and she carries herself well in the lead. There isn’t much of a plot, which explains why the exploitation’s been raised up but it’s not like it had to live up to any expectations (…Last Revenge, anyone?) It keeps a fun pace and there are several unintentionally funny moments (such as a woman screaming for heroin, sounding like she’s straight out of a Reefer Madness sequel) that make this just the type of 70s Grindhouse fare to laugh at drunkenly late at night.
Body Count/Violence: 24. Cute as she is, Shiomi doesn’t finish off her opponents quite like Chiba does. The real disappointment comes in the final battle, as Tina and her friends battle the drug lord’s gang. About five minutes into the carnage, we cut to a shot of Tina meeting the drug lord on a hilltop for the FINAL final battle (though this is probably because I’m reviewing the R rated version, not the unrated one). Regardless, there are still neck snaps, swords through the head, skull cracking, poison darts, arrow shots, etc.
Sexuality/Nudity: There’s a topless stripper shot, a topless shot during a rape scene and a woman in lingerie writhing in the throes of heroin withdrawal. Nothing involving our cute hero, however (sorry, can’t help it!).
Language/Dialogue: A little stronger than in the Street Fighter series, though nothing to get worked up over.
How bad was it?:
Most agree it is awful but more of a cheerful awful than anything else. They at least seem to have some fun with the cheesiness.
Did it make the studio’s day?:
Again, no box office record but this was released in the U.S by New Line in February of 1976.
Film: **/*****
Entertainment value: ***1/2/*****
Copyright 2007 The Action Mutant.
Run
The Action Mutant…
‘s real name is Buzz Killington.
Run
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
Patrick Dempsey’s been one of those actors that is now a star on TV but has been around for ages beforehand. There was a time many thought big things were in store for him, with roles in such comedies as Loverboy and Can’t Buy Me Love but he really didn’t poke his head past the B-List crowd for a good 20 years. Now, he is among the William Petersens and David Carusos (again) of the entertainment world, finally being recognized by both face AND name. And according to IMDB, he was an actor and production manager on The Super Mario Bros. Super Show, which strangely makes me respect him just a little bit more than I did five minutes ago.
The Plot, as it was:
Dempsey is Charlie Farrow, a smartass law student who has to drive a car for his employer up to Atlantic City for pickup. Halfway along the drive, Charlie breaks down and gets driven by a cab driver to a local casino. Charlie gets in on an exclusive poker game and pisses off the casino owner’s son Denny (Alan C. Peterson) with his hot streak. During a confrontation afterwards, Denny slips, cracks his head open and kills himself. I guess we all know who will get blamed for that. With that, a town full of crooked cops & hitmen try to catch Charlie and turn him in to the casino owner (Ken Pogue), a mobster that basically owns the entire town. The only person that believes Charlie is Karen (Kelly Preston), a casino waitress who helps him on the run.
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
This is one of those films that I caught on local broadcast TV the first time around and was pleasantly surprised. Sure, it’s a simple plot and it’s not going to be called original by any means but it moves at a brisk pace and is fairly engaging. I’ll admit Dempsey was a little too smug at the beginning and looked like he was begging for a beating but you learn to accept him in this town full of shady characters. Director Geoff Burrowes manages to be fairly ingenious with a medium budget, as the chase sequences turn into a series of “can you top this?” situations. If it isn’t a car chase that ends on the roof of a parking garage, it’s a footrace through the inner workings of a bowling alley. The cast of relative unknowns is a mixed bag, with Peterson making the most of his intimidating stature. However, I was waiting for a pigeon to perch on top of Pogue’s head at times, as a cigar store Indian could have showed the same emotion (and would have been cheaper to pay, too). Despite a few shortcomings in the story (such as why everyone is out for Charlie’s head when everyone, including Denny’s father, admits the kid was an asshole and had it coming?), Run is 90 minutes of enough twists and action to keep you on your feet for a while.
Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- Lochlyn Munro (A Night at the Roxbury, Freddy v. Jason), who has seemingly made a career niche as the “token frat boy”, is…yeah.
Body Count/Violence: 11. Despite its R rating, it’s not terribly violent. There is shooting, car crashes, electrocution and people being thrown off of roofs but none of its really bloody or over the top. I will say this: this is probably the only film outside of a Monty Python skit where you will see someone impaled by a rabbit. You’ll see.
Sexuality/Nudity: Charlie and Karen roll around in the mud when Karen tries to escape and she gets her shirt torn but it’s not nearly as sexy as it sounds. Didn’t these guys ever see Mischief? The film could have probably doubled its take if they had a scene similar to the one in Mischief. You know what I’m talking about (I think you do).
Language/Dialogue: Pretty mild, actually. I was actually wondering why this was rated R in the first place but they snuck in an F bomb at the very last moment, almost to seemingly justify it. Still, there have been harsher PG-13 films than this.
How bad was it?:
Critics thoroughly trashed it, with Ebert even going as far as to basically call it a poor man’s After Hours (which sounds pretty stupid to me, since AH was meant to be a bizarre black comedy as opposed to a straight out thriller). Again, it’s not rocket science: it wasn’t meant to be art so why trash it like an attempt at one?
Did it make the studio’s day?:
How does “not really” sound? Produced by Hollywood Pictures (cue ominous music) on a $16 million budget, Run debuted 2/1/91 in 11th place. Home Alone was still trouncing the competition in its 12th week in theaters so there was no chance to begin with. The film quietly fell to 15th and finished its stay with $4.4 million. I am surprised that this hasn’t gotten some sort of American DVD release due to Dempsey’s career resurgence in Grey’s Anatomy. Check Amazon and you’ll find it does fairly well on video sales.
Film: ***/*****
Entertainment value: ***1/2/*****
Copyright 2007 The Action Mutant.
‘s real name is Buzz Killington.
Run
review by Joe Burrows
Perspective:
Patrick Dempsey’s been one of those actors that is now a star on TV but has been around for ages beforehand. There was a time many thought big things were in store for him, with roles in such comedies as Loverboy and Can’t Buy Me Love but he really didn’t poke his head past the B-List crowd for a good 20 years. Now, he is among the William Petersens and David Carusos (again) of the entertainment world, finally being recognized by both face AND name. And according to IMDB, he was an actor and production manager on The Super Mario Bros. Super Show, which strangely makes me respect him just a little bit more than I did five minutes ago.
The Plot, as it was:
Dempsey is Charlie Farrow, a smartass law student who has to drive a car for his employer up to Atlantic City for pickup. Halfway along the drive, Charlie breaks down and gets driven by a cab driver to a local casino. Charlie gets in on an exclusive poker game and pisses off the casino owner’s son Denny (Alan C. Peterson) with his hot streak. During a confrontation afterwards, Denny slips, cracks his head open and kills himself. I guess we all know who will get blamed for that. With that, a town full of crooked cops & hitmen try to catch Charlie and turn him in to the casino owner (Ken Pogue), a mobster that basically owns the entire town. The only person that believes Charlie is Karen (Kelly Preston), a casino waitress who helps him on the run.
Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
This is one of those films that I caught on local broadcast TV the first time around and was pleasantly surprised. Sure, it’s a simple plot and it’s not going to be called original by any means but it moves at a brisk pace and is fairly engaging. I’ll admit Dempsey was a little too smug at the beginning and looked like he was begging for a beating but you learn to accept him in this town full of shady characters. Director Geoff Burrowes manages to be fairly ingenious with a medium budget, as the chase sequences turn into a series of “can you top this?” situations. If it isn’t a car chase that ends on the roof of a parking garage, it’s a footrace through the inner workings of a bowling alley. The cast of relative unknowns is a mixed bag, with Peterson making the most of his intimidating stature. However, I was waiting for a pigeon to perch on top of Pogue’s head at times, as a cigar store Indian could have showed the same emotion (and would have been cheaper to pay, too). Despite a few shortcomings in the story (such as why everyone is out for Charlie’s head when everyone, including Denny’s father, admits the kid was an asshole and had it coming?), Run is 90 minutes of enough twists and action to keep you on your feet for a while.
Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- Lochlyn Munro (A Night at the Roxbury, Freddy v. Jason), who has seemingly made a career niche as the “token frat boy”, is…yeah.
Body Count/Violence: 11. Despite its R rating, it’s not terribly violent. There is shooting, car crashes, electrocution and people being thrown off of roofs but none of its really bloody or over the top. I will say this: this is probably the only film outside of a Monty Python skit where you will see someone impaled by a rabbit. You’ll see.
Sexuality/Nudity: Charlie and Karen roll around in the mud when Karen tries to escape and she gets her shirt torn but it’s not nearly as sexy as it sounds. Didn’t these guys ever see Mischief? The film could have probably doubled its take if they had a scene similar to the one in Mischief. You know what I’m talking about (I think you do).
Language/Dialogue: Pretty mild, actually. I was actually wondering why this was rated R in the first place but they snuck in an F bomb at the very last moment, almost to seemingly justify it. Still, there have been harsher PG-13 films than this.
How bad was it?:
Critics thoroughly trashed it, with Ebert even going as far as to basically call it a poor man’s After Hours (which sounds pretty stupid to me, since AH was meant to be a bizarre black comedy as opposed to a straight out thriller). Again, it’s not rocket science: it wasn’t meant to be art so why trash it like an attempt at one?
Did it make the studio’s day?:
How does “not really” sound? Produced by Hollywood Pictures (cue ominous music) on a $16 million budget, Run debuted 2/1/91 in 11th place. Home Alone was still trouncing the competition in its 12th week in theaters so there was no chance to begin with. The film quietly fell to 15th and finished its stay with $4.4 million. I am surprised that this hasn’t gotten some sort of American DVD release due to Dempsey’s career resurgence in Grey’s Anatomy. Check Amazon and you’ll find it does fairly well on video sales.
Film: ***/*****
Entertainment value: ***1/2/*****
Copyright 2007 The Action Mutant.
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