The Action Mutant Reviews

Pray for Death

2011-10-31T19:36:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
introduces his newest villain, Crackhouse Dave!

Pray for Death

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
With Halloween just around the corner, I have to wonder…when will it be en vogue to be a Ninja again on this holiday? I’m sure there were plenty of them in Sho Kosugi’s heyday but today it’s most likely all about the zombie. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I’m all for zombies on Halloween or Wednesday. It at least beats the shit out of…brrr, Jersey Shore costumes (or what some douchebags call “everyday wear”). All I can say is if you’re gonna be a ninja this Halloween, be Sho Kosugi. There’s few better to choose from.

The Plot, as it was:
Kosugi stars as Akira, a Japanese immigrant setting up a restaurant business with his family in America. However, he and the elderly gentleman (Parley Baer) do not realize that a valuable necklace that was hidden there has been stolen off the premises by crooked cops. While in cahoots with the cops, the befuddled mob doesn’t realize they have been taken by their partners and decide to target Akira and his family. Strong-armed by Limehouse Willie (James Booth) and his associates, Akira’s family is bullied until his wife Aiko (Donna K. Benz) is dead and son Takeshi (Kane Kosugi) is hospitalized. Another thing the mob doesn’t realize? They have awoken Akira’s inner NINJA!

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Kosugi starred in many ninja epics in the mid to late 80s and Pray for Death is one of his better made efforts. Like many Action heroes (especially of foreign descent), Kosugi delivery is wooden to say it kindly but the man has the screen presence to spare. When asked to deliver drama, Sho steps up and hits it solid; giving an extra dimension to what could be totally routine. Part of this has to do with Booth’s script, which paints Akira as a man haunted by his past and pushed until he can’t stands no more. Booth writes himself a plum counterpart to Akira in Limehouse Willie (who is NOT a hungry boxcar fighter battling for a sandwich…what was he on when he came up with that name?), who may just be one of the more reprehensible sonofabitches in 80 Action history. Willie does everything short of tying kids & old ladies down to railroad tracks whilst twirling a handlebar moustache (come to think of it, both would be hard to do at the same time). When the finale (which takes place in an abandoned mannequin factory like some plastic Cannibal Holocaust) kicks in, the viewer is just begging for ol’ Willie to be taken out…the mark of a truly great cinematic villain. The finale does bring about one of several implausabilities that might make some eyes roll (how can Akira take out five people at a time but have trouble with a near sixty year old man, no matter how good of shape he is?) Or Akira’s detective skills where he can determine who stole the necklace merely by a thread from the cop’s suit! Or how can the younger Kosugi kid take out every adult baddie within arm’s reach? To keep going would really defeat the purpose, though. This is just great, guilty pleasure fun of the time period from the action sequences to Peggy Abernathy’s “Back to the Shadows’” being belted out during the credits in a Benatar-ish wail (great for parties and ninja training montages…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nCzQltBlYGA).

Body Count/Violence: 47. To be fair, 16 of these take place during a TV show scene that the kids are watching. However, there is a fair bit of bloody goings-on throughout the rest of the flick. Plenty of ninja stars, knife slashing & cutting, swordplay, saw blade action (both chain and buzz), car rundowns, explosions, shooting, etc.

Sexuality/Nudity: Though it was cut by distributors, it’s still subtly obvious that Willie violates Aiko before her ultimate demise. He tapes her mouth shut, smacks her about, then the next shot cuts to Willie washing blood from his face afterwards. It’s actually more disturbing this way.

Language/Dialogue: Some strong F-Word usage and other obscenities, namely what you would expect from someone nicknamed “Limehouse”.

How bad was it?:
Those that appreciate the ninja inside them appreciated this film, citing its positives more than its negatives (Booth’s performance being one of those main pluses).

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Shot for a relatively low $4 million in the winter of 1984, Trans World Entertainment released Pray for Death in November 1985. No grosses were made known but due to its minimal budget, it probably made noticeable bank.

Film: **1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ****/*****

Copyright 2011 The Action Mutant.

Hunt to Kill

2011-10-23T20:12:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
says he can get more generic with the titles if you would like.

Hunt to Kill

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
Ah, the Direct-to-Video market. Where former pro wrestlers go to resurrect their careers like a phoenix rising from the Redbox. Hulk Hogan did it. Roddy Piper did it. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson skipped that and just went right into feature films. One more name to add to the list of the former two is "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. After getting out of the pro wrestling game, Austin starred in the much maligned The Condemned. Of course, action films are pretty much exempt from much critical shelling and Austin went on to star in a series of solid, if unspectacular actioners. Aside from his role in The Expendables, all of these have been of the aforementioned DtV variety. Now, in your best Vince McMahon voice, get ready to read the review of the movie that is...HUNT TO KILL!

The Plot, as it was:
Austin plays Jim Rhodes (if you we-all), a former Border Patrol agent living in Montana after the death of his partner (ERIC ROBERTS!). Rhodes is a man of the land and the only things he has to deal with are the occasional bad weather and his rebellious daughter Kim (Marie Avergopoulos) shoplifting. He goes to spring the kid from the Sheriff's office only to run into a band of thieves led by the twisted Banks (Gil Bellows). They are in search of a rogue member (Michael Hogan) of their squad that strayed off with their money from a previous heist. Of course, they need someone that knows the land and...well, you all know where this is going. He and his daughter are held against their will in trying to track down the money but once things get hairier, the real question being posed is "Who is being hunted here?" Hunted...TO KILL! Ok, it's old now.

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
If I had to put a comparison to it, Hunt to Kill is mostly akin to the average student in the classroom. They don't do anything relatively great but they won't disappoint either. They are pretty much adequate at what they do and so is this flick. Nothing from Kill is out to reset the wheel and therefore, it passes as a standard time killer. As expected, Austin works well as the vengeful, sullen hero who can be brash when needed to be. The guy has presence to spare and that carries him through to the next scene. The rest of the cast comprise the usual archetypes for the genre as far as a villain superteam is concerned (psycho boss, slutty arm candy, dashing Euro braggart, nerdy tech guy, etc.). Bellows stands out but not in a particularly great way. See, director Keoni Waxman helmed a mildly underrated action film called Countdown in 1996. The heavy in that film was played by Jason London (Dazed and Confused, The Rage: Carrie 2) and lets just say there was enough ham in that performance for a weeks worth of family dinners. Bellows pulls the same act here and when the script calls for him to act crazy, it doesn't quite come off as convincing, either. It's a slight distraction from what is a basic, by the numbers tome with a few decent fight scenes (the one with Austin & action stalwart Gary Daniels being the showcase), a last third that picks up steam and a bravura finale, if anything.

Body Count/Violence: 15. Although Austin doesn't hand out any "Stone Cold Stunners" (still waiting...), he hands out the brutality in marginal doses. Some gory CGI shooting, explosions, broken limbs, ATV mayhem, arrow shots, wooden branch impaling and general ass whoopery abound.

Sexuality/Nudity: None. Though I'm sure Under Armour got a good cut from this flick since Austin wears an UA shirt for the majority of his screen time.

Language/Dialogue: Pretty strong, with a good amount of F-word droppage and other obscenities.

How bad was it?:
The majority of critics place it on the "we've seen it before" shelf but some less discerning scribes liked it for what it was. Not surprisingly, a lot of them pretty much poo poo on Bellows' performance.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Filmed in the fall of 2009 in Canada, no grosses are available for this DtV release (available as of 11/9/10) by Anchor Bay Entertainment.

Film: **/*****
Entertainment value: ***/*****

Copyright 2011 The Action Mutant.

Hard Target - Director's Cut

2010-07-20T21:10:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
says neckties are dangerous for a reason!

Hard Target (Director’s Cut)

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
So, you know something good had to bring me back out of hiding and it has, courtesy of a submission on a certain viral video site. It’s like hitting free porn on your computer, except people close to you will just think you’re a sociopath instead of a freaky, sex pervert (it’s ok…they probably think the latter about you already). Oh, and what has happened since last I wrote? Well…not much. I started watching Glee recently, which leaves me about as shocked as you are. Dennis Hopper died, which was a stone cold bummer. I remember in my silly, formative years thinking that Hopper’s villain in Speed was the greatest thing I ever seen…and then I saw Blue Velvet! Baby didn’t sleep that night. I learned that a tie is more dangerous than a sledgehammer, pro wrestling refs and soccer refs go to the same school and two oil CEOs may be able to screw in a light bulb but they can’t stop a fucking oil leak! And yes, I realize this part of the review will be very timely in five years or so. Then again, so will this whole Jersey/reality TV craze (one can only hope).

The Plot, as it was:
Check the archives for January 2009. It’s the first review. Dammit, do I have to do everything around here?

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Reading of Hard Target’s development makes for a story of turmoil and missed opportunity. After its underwhelming debut in 1993, the legend of Woo’s fabled 116 minute “director’s cut” started making the rounds with bootleg video hounds & collectors all over. The promise of seeing the film as Woo intended it (a 128 minute cut is rumored to exist but Woo prefers this one) gave fans hope, as they figured on seeing either a new bevy of violence or an amazingly better film than what they saw in theaters. Needless to say, both assumptions were half right. Woo’s Target is markedly better than the theater cut but that doesn’t push it into classic territory with A Better Tomorrow or The Killer nor is it as insanely violent as Hard Boiled. The perception of Van Damme being the “infallible hero” still holds true, which pretty much means fans were getting a JCVD flick no matter how long it was (though there are less close ups in this version). Yancy Butler’s corpse-like delivery is still intact, as well as Diabeetus’ goofy Uncle Douvee (complete with greeting dance for Chance in this version). And to clarify, this is also a “work print”, meaning there is no polished open/closing credits, Graeme Revell music (the fill-in music is from other films, reminding me of the glory days of Cannon) and time display in the left hand corner. However, it’s easy to tell that despite the lack of post-production shine, the man was definitely trying to craft something above the norm. There are several small touches that didn’t make it into the final print, such as Chance & Van Cleef using their tracking skills to their fullest and flashbacks seen in different points of the movie than they were in the theatrical cut. Oddly enough, the finale arguably works better in the theatrical cut with Fouchon putting up more of a fight there. The version here has Fouchon talking more trash (and JCVD’s close ups replaced with shots of the bombed out parade floats) but lacks the most humorous touch in his bravura demise (that touch most likely being a Sam Raimi touch added in after the fact)! In all, this is the better edition of the two versions and should be required viewing for Woo fans. (Note: I know I missed stuff…read below)

Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!: Same as before.

Body Count/Violence: 44. C-mon, fella, admit it…this is what you wanted to read. You knew mucho violent content was excised from this flick and you wanted to find out about the juicy bits. Let’s go chronologically with this (SPOLIERS!!!):
- The opening hunt of Binder (Chuck Pfarrer) has the prey putting up more of a fight, with Binder actually taking out a henchman in a kill that mirrors one of Chance’s better ones. Binder pulls the arrow out of his shoulder in slow motion and is later shot in the leg by one (explaining that arrow that magically appeared sticking out of his leg as he fell through the bridge in the theatrical cut).
- The Reservoir Dogs homage where Poe’s (Elliot Keener) ear is cut by scissors is intact, with blood flowing freely as the ear is visibly severed. Fouchon punches Poe square in the face, sending blood flying out of his fat jowls.
- The most potent scene of the DC is arguably when Fouchon is playing the piano & shots of big game being hunted down are intercut with it. This was cut out of the theatrical cut, either because it was felt to be too disturbing or may have made viewers think too much. Can’t have either, daddy.
- The cemetery shootout has Elijah (Willie Carpenter) emptying a few more rounds into Zenan (Joe Warfield). Elijah’s death is more prolonged as he gets up after being shot 20 or so times and takes at least 20 more.
- The sequence set off by Poe’s death starts with Det. Mitchell (Kasi Lemmons) taking bloodier bullet hits. Chance takes out an extra biker by gunfire and sets out to be chased. In one of the more perplexing cuts, a black Sedan is shot up by Chance, sent flying into a parked car and explodes. In the theatrical cut, the Sedan is obviously apart of the chase at the beginning but disappears when the chase hits the highway. Chance lets off a few extra shots before crashing the motorcycle into the 4x4 truck.
- The hunters spend more time carefully closing in on Douvee’s shack. Two nameless bikers are set on fire in slow motion before being put out of their misery by Fouchon.
- The warehouse shootout has much more going on this time around. SVEN-OLE gets an extra 15-20 shots before getting the spin-kicking of a lifetime (remember, 528 bullets to the torso won’t work but topped off with a well placed JCVD kick? Money!). Two bikers get extra bullets and a new biker gets gunned down. The hunter in the cowboy hat takes extra bloody hits and Lopacki (Robert Apisa) is not only shot extra by Chance but takes an arrow in the arm from Douvee! Douvee’s one kill by arrow is punctuated by showing that the arrow actually went through the guy’s throat (with the shot of the biker falling to the ground with the arrow piercing through his neck not in the TC). Chance takes out three bikers by bloody gunfire, then unloads more extra rounds into Van Cleef.
- The final shootout between Chance & Fouchon is notably different here. Douvee takes an extra bloody shot to the leg (explaining his limp after being stabbed with the arrow). After the two talk trash to each other, Chance kicks Fouchon down but the next shot is of Fouchon taking Nat hostage (excising the brawling part in between added in afterwards). After Chance kicks Fouchon clear into next week, he avoids saying his big closing TC line (“Hunting season…is over!”), drops the grenade on Fouchon’s lap and he goes ka-boom. The end. Fire up that Creedence, Dude!

Sexuality/Nudity: Did you know there’s a love scene in here between Chance & Nat? No foolin’. It was apparently done away with because it didn’t show enough T&A. Yes because Van Damme’s ass wasn’t showcased enough in his previous starring vehicles. It’s so obvious THAT’S what this film was missing!

Language/Dialogue: Same as before.

How bad was it?:
Critics maintain that while most of the DC is better, it’s not perfect by any means. Still, we would have rather watched this. Thanks, Universal!

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Obviously not. And yet Waterworld was green lighted over this shit.

Film: ***/*****
Entertainment value: ****1/2/*****

Copyright 2010 The Action Mutant.

Catch the Heat

2009-07-30T21:34:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
didn’t know Nixon’s dog was Jewish!

Catch the Heat

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
In reading up on Tiana Alexandra, one could make the argument that we all missed out on a great Action star (or at least another famous one). Born Thi Thanh Nga in Vietnam in 1961, Tiana moved to America when she was 15 but not before she was personally trained by Bruce Lee himself. She became involved with screenwriter Stirling Silliphant (who was 43 years her senior…yes…a nice, odd number) & was integral in many of his future projects, most notably the TV miniseries Pearl. Unfortunately for her, Catch the Heat was the peak of her career as she decided to go back to Vietnam & chronicle her (and her country’s) past in what would eventually become her 1993 documentary From Hollywood to Hanoi. She would never go back to acting and while it’s arguable if her success would have been any more prevalent, it is kind of a shame that we’ll never know. Then again, she may have never been big. Maybe it would have had something to do with her character in this film being named…

The Plot, as it was:
CHECKERS GOLDBERG (That deserves an internet acronym…here it goes…WTF?)!!! Anyway, ahem….Checkers is a hot Asian cop that revels in taking down rapists & cracking wise at her lovelorn partner Waldo Tarr (David Dukes). It is soon brought to the duo’s attention that talent magnate Jason Hannibal (Rod Steiger) is smuggling drugs out of Argentina through mysterious means, which warrants an undercover job to crack the ring. Seeing as Waldo doesn’t look good in a dress, Checkers becomes “Cinderella Pu” (Character names on Acid 101) and travels to Argentina to get in Hannibal’s good graces & to uncover the dark secret behind his operation. I would say she gets into some “deep Pu” but can I really come up with a better joke after hearing that name?

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Despite the goofy ass names, Tiana’s astounding hotness and the eventual revelation of the secret behind the smuggling ring (which fits right in with the exploitive vibe of 80s B movie actioners), Catch the Heat doesn’t prove to be a wholly memorable tale at all. You think it would be with all I mentioned above but those are sadly the most notable elements. Though Tiana looks great in all of her various costume changes, her dialogue from the Silliphant penned script sabotages her chances at making many impressions. It doesn’t help that she has to speak stereotypic broken English in her Cinderella Pu persona for a majority of the pic (or “pigeon English” as an IMDB poster referred to it as; the kind of English Truman Capote’s character in Murder By Death would be repelled by) though it does add to the camp value quite a bit (as well as the “politically incorrect” quotient). The fact that the “pigeon English” seems to fool everyone Cinderella comes in contact with makes the gag become more annoying as it continues. Dukes puts a lot of bluster behind his lines & seems to relish his role for what it is. Surprisingly, it’s Steiger (who usually didn’t have to wait for the proverbial hat to drop to overact his ass off) that comes off nearly sedate in the heavy role. It’s almost as if he figured “Hey, I’ve never been to Argentina…sounds like a good vacation…and I get a payday out of it, too!” I doubt if Steiger going MD (20/20) on everyone would have elevated the film but it couldn’t have hurt. Though CtH is never boring, it is something you have seen before & the novelty of having a lady kung fu lead isn’t presented with enough “wow” factor to have one remember the film a few hours after they saw it.

Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- Professor Toru Tanaka (The Running Man, Missing in Action 2: The Beginning) plays Hannibal’s guard Dozu. He was also “Sumo Wrestler #1” in an episode of the ABC drama Life Goes On, which really makes me curious as to what THAT episode was about (when it comes to Corky, the possibilities are endless).

Body Count/Violence: 35. Nothing unusual aside from some moderate (yet bloodless) gunplay & fighting near the end. There’s also a car chase (featuring a nifty motorcycle jump onto a flatbed truck), explosions, strangling, neck breaking & head puncturing. The best death occurs when Checkers (…seriously?) maneuvers a knife betwixt her toes during a grounded struggle & kicks it into a guy’s back. I don’t care what your name is at that point…that’s pretty cool.

Sexuality/Nudity: Tiana’s overall yumminess is first on display when she emerges from the San Francisco bay in a wet t-shirt. Strangely, I can’t remember any dialogue during that scene…Anyhow, Tiana also graces the screen in a topless shower scene & and in several cute, Asian gowns that bring the Japanese submissive fetishist out in all of us (guys, that is). There are also some shots of scantly clad models backstage at a show.

Language/Dialogue: A few F words and other mild obscenities to go around. However, none of those beats Waldo’s epic threat of “Give me a name or I’ll give you a vagina!” while interrogating a male suspect & holding a gun to his crotch.

How bad was it?:
The few reviews on Catch the Heat don’t outright bury it but do reiterate the fact that it was nothing more than a routine Action flick in a decade that churned many of them out (and yet, are still like crack to many of us still young at heart).

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Catch the Heat actually made its premiere at Cannes on 5/13/87 & was released in America in October of that year by Trans World Entertainment. No box office/budget figures are known and since few ever heard of Tiana Alexandra after this, I can safely say it wasn’t a monetary success. Maybe if her name wasn’t fucking CHECKERS!!! If you're curious, you can find the film on the MGM DVD label on Amazon.com for as low as $2.76.

Film: *1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ***1/2/*****

Copyright 2009 The Action Mutant.

Blood Games

2009-05-03T20:25:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
guesses rednecks make their own gravy.

Blood Games

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
(Note: The “Perspective” will be tweaked somewhat, as it will now be a quote from one of the principles of the film. I may jump back on the soapbox without warning, though.)

“Probably because I look like a dirty drunk and a drifter. They say we play best what we are. God! I hope that's not true.”

- Charles “Buck” Flower, on being typecast.

The Plot, as it was:
Laura Albert plays the pitcher of an all female baseball team that’s managed by her pops Midnight (Ross Hagen). The team whoops on a gaggle of yokels in a game for a grand prize of $1,000 by the score of 17-2 (with the money going forward to pay off Midnight’s gambling debts). The yokels aren’t too pleased about the outcome & a series of events leave Midnight and the local bigwig’s son Roy (Gregory Scott Cummins) dead. The girls end up on the run from the townsfolk, who are offered a grand a head by the bigwig Mino Collins (Luke Shay) to kill all of the baseball babes. It’s like deer hunting season…with boobs!

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
In the “Foxy baseball playing women hunted by crazed, backwoods rednecks” genre, Blood Games is absolutely at the top of the list. In all fairness, Blood Games is one of the most entertaining of the trashy, “women seeking revenge” pics out there & definitely an overlooked one amongst such genre staples as I Spit on Your Grave and Ms. 45. There’s nothing particular that stands out about it but it has the right amount of dark humor, tits & ammo to make for a fun, drunken night of movie watching. Of course, all of this makes for a bad movie in the traditional sense. The “actresses” (many of which can only claim this as their only acting credit) aren’t on screen for their “acting”…lets just say you can’t put your finger on them…err, it. That doesn’t work, either. Anyway, the male side compensates by overacting at every turn but they do have veteran character actors like Hagen & Charles “Buck” Flower (under the pseudonym “Ernest Wall” & playing what he plays best: a goofy, drunk bumpkin) to make things interesting. I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention Don Dowe as crazed drunk Holt, who gets extra points for wearing a Roddy Piper “Hot Rod!” shirt during the ballgame! Director Tanya Rosenberg gets credit for making the most of a small budget by touching the action with frequent slow motion shots & a fair buildup of the action. Despite these occurrences of competency, Blood Games isn’t meant to be taken seriously at any moment during its run time. The sequencing goes something like this: hillbillies kill one of the gals (or attempt to rape, which may be the only thing that may get to some people), gals mourn their pal, gals plan elaborate ruse & kill hillbilly. Later, rinse & repeat, says the Grindhouse bible (which someone should get to writing…). In fact, the only thing missing from making Blood Games perfect GH fare are the pops, hisses & cig burns that became en vogue with the release of the Rodriguez/Tarantino collaboration. All in all, it’s worth a solid triple (yeah, a baseball cliché…I’m fired, aren’t I?).

Body Count/Violence: 16. Have a hillbilly hunt with his bare hands and he’ll last a day…give a hillbilly a shotgun to hunt with and he’ll be in the movies for life! The main death is by said implement & leads to the most blood splatter in the film. People are also run down by buses, shot by arrows, beaten down with baseball bats, hit with big rocks, hanged from trees & impaled. Twas needing a bear trap, though.

Sexuality/Nudity: No exaggeration here…EVERY woman on the baseball team gets naked. The obligatory “locker room” scene has the ladies in several forms of undress & everything is shown in one form or another. A few rape scenes lead to more T&A, which are staples in this sub-genre. The woman also sport the usual tight, clingy early 90s fare that we all know & (not really now) love. Oh, and one of the babes looked like a blond Patricia Tallman. If only…

Language/Dialogue: Ranges from mild to strong but it’s not the thing to look for.

How bad was it?:
The only legit review I read for this little seen fare was from Joe Bob Briggs & needless to say, he says you should check this out. The fan feedback seems to recognize the type of flick this is & don’t try to needlessly compare it to anything Oscar-worthy.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Known by the superior alternate title Baseball Bimbos in Hillbilly Hell in Australia, Blood Games was partially filmed in the Sequoia National Forest in California. It was produced by Epic Video & released through RCA/Columbia Home Video on 12/12/90. The VHS (sorry…no DVD yet) can be found on Amazon for as low as $4.98. That’s folding money, baby!

Film: *1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ****/*****

Copyright 2009 The Action Mutant.

Extreme Prejudice

2009-04-29T20:53:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
thinks Walter Hill should just go ahead and make a film called “BALLS”.

Extreme Prejudice

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
“Funny, ain't it…how it comes around. Right way's the hardest, wrong way's the easiest. Rule of nature, like water seeks the path of least resistance. So you get crooked rivers… crooked men.”

- Sheriff Hank Pearson

Seriously, that's fuckin' deep, man. And shit gets blown up, too! Can't get much better than that.

The Plot, as it was:
Nick Nolte stars as Jack Benteen, a towering Texas Ranger who’s seeing his past catch up with him in a bad way. The ranger & his right hand man Sherriff Hank Pearson (Rip Torn!) have gotten into too many violent altercations with “drug mules” that have been sent across the border to transport narcotia for Benteen’s childhood friend Cash Bailey (Powers Boothe). When Benteen left Texas to become cop many years before, Cash ditched his informant gig, slinked off to Mexico & became a drug kingpin/militant warlord. As if it wasn’t hard enough for Jack to decide whether to go at his former pal with guns ablaze, his girl Sarita (Maria Conchita Alonso) is tired of the lawman’s macho bullshit & threatens to go back to her former flame…Cash Bailey! Meanwhile, a group of off-the-grid soldiers (led by Michael Ironside, so you know they’re all balanced) are planning on taking Cash out themselves & ending all of this drug business. Now, this sounds like a Mexican standoff!

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
At one point in Extreme Prejudice, Cash Bailey snarls at a female to “show us your tits if you want to be useful”. That pretty much spells out EP to the casual audience, as this is a MAN’S movie. You got Nolte looking like he’s been carved from an oak tree & resembling a modernized Gary Cooper. There’s Boothe, all P&V and mirroring the devil incarnate per Sonny Crockett’s evil twin. Add to that Rip Torn cracking wise, Ironside being Ironside (himself, not Raymond Burr in a wheelchair), William Forsythe, Clancy “The Kurgan himself” Brown and the fact that this is directed by Walter Hill (48 Hrs., Southern Comfort)…well, lets just say no one is going to be sitting down for tea in this one! EP plays out like a lost Peckinpah film (only with less slo-mo) and continues the tradition of Hill’s films being present day Westerns, which starts with Nolte. This is not the scraggly, booze soaked Nolte from 48 Hrs. or the goofy eccentric seen a year before in Down and Out in Beverly Hills; this one leaves the over-the-top histrionics behind. Tough & lean, Nolte’s Benteen has been weathered by the Texas sun & haunted by the inability to settle things right. He doesn’t want violence to take place but he doesn’t necessarily have to be talked into a gunfight, either. He’s easily complemented by Boothe, whose sardonic tone adds to every line the man utters (“I got a feeling the next time we run into each other, we gonna have a killin'.”). The supporting work is tops as well & Torn just about steals the flick outright with his snappy dialogue. I’m sure I wasn’t the only one to be nearly deflated when he was taken out of the pic way too early (sorry to spoil it but the sidekick/older mentor always gets plugged so it’s not like its something new). Don’t fret however…the film boasts everything that makes an 80s Action classic and then some. The action is expertly shot & photographed to the point that you somehow FEEL sweaty and dusty after watching. If EP has anything going against it, it’s that it may be a bit too ambitious. The subplot with the “dead soldiers” complicates the rest of the framework & you can definitely tell it was John Milus’ contribution to the story. It’s arguable that the story would work just fine if Jack & Cash were left alone but the inclusion of the mercenaries makes it ultimately seem like an excuse to make sure the body count is upped. The end brings that prophecy to fruition (as well as enough plasma for half a dozen blood banks) but even the convoluted plot is not enough to dampen the grade A entertainment that is Extreme Prejudice.

Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- Mickey Jones plays Chub Luke. Jones has been in just about everything but may be best known as the grease monkey that tells Chevy Chase “All of it, boy!” when pressing him for money in Vacation. Jones actually signs all of his autographs with that line.
- Lin Shaye (Kingpin, 2001 Maniacs) is the “Employment Office Clerk”.

Body Count/Violence: 42. The red soaked year of 1987 was aided immensely by Prejudice as the majority of the cast is blasted into bloody heaps by everything from shotguns, pump action Winchesters, Gatling guns and other automatic weaponry. This one may only be behind Robocop for that year’s bloodiest American Action flick. Also included is an explosion, a rat being knifed and…what ever you do, don’t accept a rabbit as a gift any time soon!

Sexuality/Nudity: Alonso fulfills the male checklist early on with a nice full frontal shot of her coming out of a shower. Another woman’s breasts are shown while she’s in bed in one scene.

Language/Dialogue: Fairly strong for the era, with a decent amount of strong profanities involved. Plenty of memorable lines are spoken but nothing stands up to Torn’s immortal “The only thing worse than a politician is a child molester.”

How bad was it?:
Siskel & Ebert gave it two thumbs up and Siskel went as far as calling it the closest to the mold of a classic Western in the 80s. Other critics not in tune with the genre gave it a mixed response, citing either its resemblance to The Wild Bunch or the fact it was just too ghastly & violent. Look at the cast, the director & the fact that the story was partly accredited to Captain NRA himself; if you were expecting Disney then you deserved to be disgusted because you’re dumb.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
TriStar & Carolco Entertainment released Extreme Prejudice on 4/24/87, where it debuted in 2nd place behind the Michael J. Fox vehicle The Secret of My Success with $3.5 million. The spring of ’87 proved to be a slow patch at the box office in general & EP dropped out of sight about a month after its opening, closing out with $11.3 million (no budget was announced). Despite its lackluster B.O., Extreme Prejudice developed a cult following since then & can be found on DVD on the Artisan Entertainment label.

Film: ****/*****
Entertainment value: ****1/2/*****

Copyright 2009 The Action Mutant.

Ninja Death

2009-04-23T22:06:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
doesn’t even know what that means!

Ninja Death

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
I have read everything from “It’s the greatest martial arts saga ever made” (with tongue firmly implanted in cheek, I’m sure) to “Why wasn’t this ever on MST3K?” Reading this kind of “buzz” made me want to see Ninja Death which, as at it turns out, is not just a feature length film but a three part serial. I should have realized this when the first part didn’t really end…it just kind of stopped in mid-stream. Then again, does a film that has no opening or closing credits really end to begin with? End…to begin with? Did I just say that? Harrumph! I had obviously found a formidable film to review in Ninja Death, a flick so bad (or good) that it could make my head spontaneously combust in a bright, red scream…or just develop a dull headache after thinking about it too much.

The Plot, as it was:
Alexander Lou is Tiger, a bouncer at a Hong Kong brothel who is dismayed to learn that another brothel has opened up on the other side of town. The Grand Master (the owner of the new brothel and, judging by his costuming, an extra from Flash Gordon) did not just set up shop to compete as he is looking for the man that possesses a tattoo of a plum flower on his chest. The tattoo is symbolic of future greatness for the one who wears it…and a target for those wanting to take him out. Tiger’s mentor The Master (who apparently isn’t good enough to be “Grand”) readies his tattooed pupil for combat against GM and his many fighters, which includes Devil Mask, a crazy cat that can be lulled into calmness or combat by a play of Grand Master’s flute. Oh, and there’s seemingly a dozen other parallel plotlines that appear & reappear without rhyme or reasoning.

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Knowing of Ninja Death’s existence is one thing; watching the whole 254 minute trek from bell to bell is another. I did NOT watch this all in one sitting, mind you. I may be a masochist but I don’t advocate running crotch first into a cactus either, since both of these activities are as equally risky. Let’s put it another way…think of every amateurish trapping that cheap kung fu flicks that air on your local TV station at 2 a.m. are known for. Now think of them running non-stop for a little over four hours. Mind bending, no? Though viewing Ninja Death in three increments doesn’t make it any better in quality, it does help absorb the eternal badness of it all. The first part is not only loaded with some (admittedly) good fight scenes but enough gratuitous sex & raunchy jokes to make you think this was produced in Canada by two guys from National Lampoon (and with a budget to match, too!). Part two gets relentlessly talky & ends up making for a boring midsection by trying to fill in all of the backstory at once (like anyone is actually watching this for the plot, which is a mess to put it lightly). The concluding third goes all out with the fight scenes & actually ends this polarizing craziness about as well as it can be. All of this doesn’t make the viewer forget that this is staggeringly horrible, yet it is strangely watchable in its ineptness. Hell, the dubbed voices switched from American to British mid-way through the first part! The SFX & dialogue are laughable (In response to Tiger wanting a fire to be made, Master retorts “If we made a fire, the cold air would go directly into your body and kill you!” Remember that one for camping trips, scouts.) and some of the deaths are absurd to the extreme. As far as I’m concerned, that’s all you can ask for in your grade Z, chop socky fare & Ninja Death delivers in spades. If only there was more Devil Mask!

Body Count/Violence: 126! (Part 1=73, Part 2=16, Part 3=37). Seeing as it clocks in at over four hours, the rate of death in Ninja Death may not be as great as you’d expect. However, the troublemaker kid in you will be on the floor once ninjas of all kinds are stabbed & slashed with swords from every corner. Along with the standard martial arts (which are pretty fun & actually the one part of the production resembling competence), there’s a decapitation & a bashed in head or two. Of course, Devil Mask provides the best NINJA DEATH as he rips off a guard’s head & pulls what appears to be phone cord covered in cranberry sauce out of another guard’s chest (or out of his vest…I could have been mistaken).

Sexuality/Nudity: Tiger’s whorehouse shows off a good deal of bare breasts & behind, either in undress or in some sexual position. There are two lengthy sex scenes, including a flashback scene complete with the screen focused in a golden tint so…that’s classy, huh?

Language/Dialogue: Not a lot but there are a few “shits” & Tiger responding to his whorehouse being slain by yelling “Who did it, motherfuckers?” in a manner so out of place you’d think Van Damme said it.

How bad was it?:
Apparently, only a small number of reprobates and/or unemployed know of Ninja Death because there isn’t much in the way of opinion for it. Every piece of fan feedback I read pretty much echoes my statements of it being one of the most hilariously inept kung fu epics ever put on celluloid.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
There are only two credited actors & an unaccredited director listed on IMDB so I’m just assuming this crap was produced by magic, crack smoking pixies and distributed by some one with a Mexican black tar heroin addiction. It was supposedly distributed in Hong Kong in 1987 but it looks like it was made a few years before that to me. It’s available on DVD through Reel Classic Films (two disc set, no less!) or in the now infamous Martial Arts 50 Movie Pack Collection that you can find on Amazon for fairly cheap.

Film: */*****
Entertainment value: ****1/2/*****

Copyright 2009 The Action Mutant.

Honor

2009-04-20T21:19:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
thinks 12 Rounds isn’t enough.

Honor (2006)

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
Note: This review is brought to you by Fighting, which is what this film should have been called. Seriously, Terrence Howard will sign his name to…almost anything. Luis Guzman? He will sign his name to anything.

The Plot, as it was:
Jason Barry is Gabriel, a Gulf War vet who comes home to find things totally different & not for the better. His childhood friend Ray (Russell Wong) has just gotten out of the clink & is bent on taking over the old neighborhood with a trusted gang of thugs. As a soldier who’s seen some things and done some stuff, the last thing Gabriel wants to do is get involved in another (albeit different) type of war. Gabriel seems reluctantly content with letting Ray and his gang extort money from local patrons but when they start hassling his adopted father & former police officer LT (Roddy Piper!) and tough cop/budding love interest Kate (Linda Park)…well, the shit is on!

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
If you turn Honor on about midway through and expect Van Damme or Don “The Dragon” Wilson to walk on the screen, you probably aren’t the only one. Honor is a flick fully entrenched in the “street fighting” sub genre of Action & doesn’t apologize for it. In fact, the only thing that may distinguish it from the majority of other fight films is the inundation of many MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) personalities such as Masakatsu Funaki, Don Frye and two Gracies (the Gracies are like the Wayans family of MMA; as in sheer numbers & not necessarily in talent). As far as anything new in the tried & true formula, that’s pretty much it. Despite all of the MMA talent on display, the fights are filmed with such quick edits & tight focusing that there’s very little visceral impact. It’s understandable that this is most likely done to make the viewer feel like they’re “right in the action” & it’s a novel idea but it just comes off very clumsily. And though one doesn’t watch these flicks for the acting…well, that doesn’t work well here either. If Barry had a moniker for his acting style, it would be “Master of the Clenched Jaw” for as much brooding he does. He basically is called to look sullen, whisper his lines, look morose, occasionally yell his lines, (have the stunt double) do some fighting and look dour. The guy just comes off too clean to be someone that supposedly just came back from war torn hell. In the same respect, it’s hard to buy Wong as a badass gangland demigod. I didn’t laugh at him or anything but his mere presence doesn’t seem to be the type to strike enough fear into people to make them hand over their business earnings. Like two pro wrestlers who try to sell their hatred toward each other for the crowd, you never buy that these two used to run together or anything (and the flashback scenes? No help). The subplot with Kate taking a shine to Gabriel is even worse as it basically boils down to her thinking “I know nothing about the guy…he is hot, though.” Shockingly, the one that gives the best show of everyone here is…Roddy Piper! No, he’s not DeNiro or anything and his character does kind of come off like Uncle Ben Parker at times but his downplay act does offer a few genuine moments. Piper resembles less of a cardboard cutout than the other principles involved, which admittedly make the scenes where he finally gets to kick some ass (but not chew bubblegum) all the more fun. By that time though, you might have already switched over to Spike to watch MMA fighters used in a more appropriate (and much better) setting.

Body Count/Violence: 7. Well, there is a lot of fighting, I’ll give them that. Plenty of kicking and punching with some decent blood splatter on connecting blows. Also peppered in is some shooting, a sick, Seagal-esque arm break, weapon beatdowns, neck breaking, knife play, etc. And fighting.

Sexuality/Nudity: None.

Language/Dialogue: Strong but only on occasion. My favorite one off moment in the flick is when Roddy slams a guy up against a wall, leg trips him, flips him off & spits out a “Fuck you!” Don’t ask me why but it put a smile on me face.

How bad was it?:
Being a DtV release (see below), Honor didn’t get many reviews upon its debut or since then. The lone review I found puts it as pretty bad but still kind of praises it as a guilty pleasure. Fan feedback seems to skew between those who enjoy the “street fight” type films of the late 80s & early 90s and those who don’t.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Birch Tree Entertainment & Monterrey Media released Honor worldwide and on U.S. DVD respectively. Made on a $6 million budget, Honor was released in America on 7/29/06 (I’m guessing for a small theater premiere, as I don’t believe it had any legit widespread release). It was released on DVD on 2/27/07 and can be seen on Starz or Encore Action occasionally.

Film: *1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ***1/2/*****

Copyright 2009 The Action Mutant.

The Action Mutant presents...The April 2009 TAM Hall of Fame class...Villains Edition!

2009-04-13T18:59:00.000-07:00

(Note: I am writing this based on the assumption that the reader has seen the films in question. If you don't want stuff SPOILED,...as in SPOILERS... you best be moving on.)

Bad news: I've been so swamped lately that I haven't gotten to update a new wing of The Action Mutant Hall of Fame. It is just as well though, as my lack of reviews recently has meant there aren't too many names that would qualify for the...ahem, honor. Good news: I have come up with a new wing for the Hall, one that makes so much sense that my head would explode if I only began to know what I was thinking about. See, those currently in the TAM HOF are the heroes. That's a given. And we look forward to their exploits with each new screen venture, even if many of them are just playing the same role with a different name. However, there are roles that are so memorable in scale that when that particular actor is brought up, it is THAT role that is first thought of. These are the roles of the villains. Sure, we "hate" them but things would be a lot less interesting if they weren't in the mix. I mean, would you watch Superman issue parking tickets for two hours? Would it be as memorable for Captain Kirk to, instead of yelling "KHAN!!!", yell...something else (Mandelbaum, perhaps)? Would Rocky IV be as legendary as it is if Ivan Drago came from Finland? Exactly. And with that, the best of The Action Mutant villains...so far...

- Det. Stansfield (as played by Gary Oldman in Léon: The Professional)

There's a litany of psychos to pick from in Gary Oldman's repertoire but none are quite as villainous, slimy & just plain fucked in the head as Stansfield. A renaissance man amongst wackjobs, Stansfield pops pills like Mentos & conducts his investigations by listening to some of the ol' Ludwig Van as his soundtrack. A botched drug deal leads to the crooked cop ordering the slaughter of the family involved & although one of the killings is accidental, you'd have to think Stansfield isn't going to be losing much sleep over it. Mainly because one can't imagine the guy ever sleeping. The viewer can make the argument that all of the pills have made Stansfield the way that he is but considering the man is played by an actor that has made playing the insane his bread & butter, I'd have to guess Stansfield was paddling the slowboat to Crazyland long before the medicine came into play.

- Patrick Bateman (as played by Christian Bale in American Psycho)

Although Bateman isn't your traditional Action movie villain, he possesses many of the archetypal trappings. Quick witted, charming on the surface, vain as all hell and...oh yeah, batshit insane, Bateman makes for a dangerous villain simply because there is no master plan to his madness. In the decade where every one was seemingly addicted to something, Bateman's vice was killing anyone & everyone (with a penchant for Coke and kinky sex along the way). Women were the main victims, though any gender or race would do. Bateman thrived in a time period where the serial killer was en vogue & showed his penchant for using the tools of the day (chainsaw, axe, nail gun, etc.) at every turn. However, the ultimate villain in this tale may have just been the very decade that Bateman was made of, as everyone was so self absorbed that no one apparently cared or noticed that Bateman was taking out a small chunk of NYC on his off nights. Guess they just figured Bronson would take care of it, like in 10 to Midnight (a film that Bateman might have taken some notes from at one time).

- Emil Fouchon (as played by Lance Henriksen in Hard Target)

When he's not starring in whatever dog feces Sci-Fi flings toward its schedule on Saturday nights (Heh, he said TURD!), the great Henriksen makes his living portraying highly articulate, heavily bent maniacs. And who else could take up the ultimate in fanatical self-employment...providing others the chance to kill other humans for sport! When he's not playing the piano & eerily staring off into space, Emil is like a modern day Harry Lime in profiting off of the fruits of wars (both past & present). Only in this "black market", Emil is providing violence & mayhem (which he sometimes partakes in himself, particularly when one of his clients balks at the opportunity he paid for). The only qualm against the man may be that he could have been a little more selective in pooling his killers together, as apparently an infinite amount of artillery was no match for a high kicking, Belgian/Cajun (cue Rome...allegedly) longshoreman with a monster mullet. Shame for him it didn't come down to a staring contest. (Note: How can I not include Henriksen here? He volunteered to be set on fucking fire!)

- Toecutter (as played by Hugh Keays-Byrne in Mad Max)

There has always been room for evil biker ganglords in Action cinema but very rarely are they as enigmatic as Toecutter. Leading a gaggle of soulless mucketymucks about the Australian desert, Toecutter decides to interject himself in policeman Max's life after the law takes one of his own. Pure magic lies in Toecutter's wild-eyed speeches urging his minions on...or crack. Carrying himself like a strung out Genghis Khan, Toecutter's ruthless nature peaks in the running down of Max's wife & infant son. I'm sure no one told Toecutter that Mel...err, Max can get very irritable & pissed off at little things like that. As for the pic of pro wrestler Raven...c-mon, I've been saying it all along that they're like twins. I can't help it that when I see Toecutter, I see Scott Levy with a hangover & 5 o' clock shadow.

- The Kurgan (as played by Clancy Brown in Highlander)

Seriously, if you were chased though time by someone wanting to cut your head off in an attempt to win a centuries long contest to be the "one", would you want it being this guy? A towering monster soldiering through time itself, Kurgan chases Connor Macleod to modern day New York City (circa 1985), where a giant in a trench coat & wielding a heavy sword would hardly get noticed. Despite not getting the job done at the end, Kurgan (and Brown in turn, who rocks here) would go on to legend not only as a villain but an icon for DIY punkers everywhere who have to respect someone that can fasten their head back onto their neck using nothing more than a few paper clips.

- Mary Ann (as played by Gene Hackman in Prime Cut)

Long before The Hackman retired from acting & became a Lowes pitchman, Gene was an unscrupulous meat mogul with a fruity name. I'm sure there must have been many people who felt that one couldn't run a successful prostitution ring in the Midwest but Mary Ann achieved that American dream! He may have had to run a few mobsters through the abattoir or keep his women drugged up so they couldn't advance off of the premises but we aren't here to award goodwill points. Like any corrupt politician, Mary Ann manages to hold on to the peoples' collective ear as well as rule with an iron fist. How else do you explain the slew of cornhuskers that become rural hitmen ready to blast away city boy Nick Devlin when he rolls into town? Kind of makes you shudder of the thought of Bill O' Reilly as a crime boss, huh?

and, of course...the main reason I thought of the column in the first place...

- Clarence Boddicker (as played by Kurtwood Smith in Robocop)

When one thinks of a super-villain, they think of a Bond villain or one of those slimy dictators from a Chuck Norris/Missing in Action movie. While Clarence Boddicker isn't going to siphon gold from Fort Knox or torture P.O.Ws with rats, he certainly comes off as one of the vilest, sickest villains ever put on cinema. We first see Boddicker sacrificing one of his gang members in an attempt to distance themselves from cops on the chase. When the gang corners Ofc. Murphy in their headquarters, they administer one of the most brutal slayings ever & Boddicker makes sure to get his taunts in (as well as the final shot). As much as Patrick Bateman exemplified the 80s & all of its tawdry glory, Boddicker is the quintessential 80s Action villain. All the guy is concerned about is himself; when his coke is out on the streets & when his bitches leave. He's never going to be able to overpower his opponent so he will attempt to weasel out of any predicament but not before trying to eliminate his foe with high grade firepower. Though he isn't exploded like many of his counterparts during their demises, Clarence goes out in a flourish that harkens back to classic Shakespeare. And if you can make anyone think of Shakespeare during this classic era of Action cinema, then you are truly a Hall of Fame VILLAIN!

TAM

http://www.myspace.com/369274484

Downtown

2009-03-28T21:19:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
brings to you Montezuma’s Revenge…in type form.

Downtown (1990)

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
(Editor Note: I haven’t been reviewing for a while. Simply got burned out on the whole thing. I don’t know frequent these will be from here on out but I will try to make an effort to get some new content out. As I started writing the perspective on this a few months back, I decided to make it into sort of a mini journal entry. Just like on a very special Blossom!)

January, 21, 2009
Your fellow AM went to see The Wrestler last week, in one of only four theaters it was playing in the Maryland area. You know, when you say your film is going into wide release, you may want to define exactly what that means because I don’t consider 144 theaters nationwide a wide release. So, off to Harbor East Landmark in downtown Baltimore I went, where the ticket price was $10.50 & the advertised “validated parking” was nowhere in sight. And yet, the movie started & I could have cared less about all of that. The Wrestler just plain rocked from a dramatic standpoint (though I thought the scenes with “Randy the Ram” dealing with his daughter were a little out of place in comparison to the rest of the flick) & a “wrestling nerd picking out all of the details” standpoint. I won’t go into how The Rourke deserves all of the accolades for his performance because that would just be reiterating the obvious.

January 25, 2009
Just got to the news about Rourke laying down his plans for Wrestlemania XXV. Guess he’s fucked out of his Oscar now, I suspect. The Academy was probably secretly waiting for him to slip up somehow because as much as they like redemption stories, they like them better when the board gets exclusively sucked up to. Doing any business with Vince McMahon is probably worse than slipping into a booze filled rampage in their eyes, as I can imagine they don’t want the terms “WWE” and “Oscar” anywhere near each other. Screw the Oscars anyway; I tuned out completely after Benigni did cartwheels in the aisles & I realized none of this political glad-handing would ever clock in less than four hours. Funny thing is that the WWE wanted nothing to do with The Wrestler (with it portraying the business as…well, sordid) but decided to clasp itself to its bandwagon once the awards started rolling in. Vince McMahon…media whore.

February 22, 2009
The Oscars have come and gone. I didn’t watch the entire boring spectacle, though I saw that bizarre Hugh Jackman musical number & James Franco verbally put Necro Butcher over on national TV. As I guessed, Rourke didn’t win for Best Actor which is just as well because those old codgers rarely pick the best choice anyway. Maybe they were trying to show how progressive they were by having Sean Penn win for portraying one of those “fancy lads”. Finally, Hollywood picks up the ball when it is dropped by real life politicians (and the voting public)! Sorry, but you can’t tell me that more went into a singular performance this year than did Rourke’s in The Wrestler (though I’m sure Penn calling the Academy “commie, homo loving, sons of guns” made them cringe a little deep down inside). Oh well, back to 1985 for me.

The Plot, as it was:
Anthony Edwards stars as Alex Kearney, a cop that works the streets of an affluent Philadelphia suburb. A choice run-in with local bigwig Jerome Sweet (David Clennon) leads to Kearney getting a one way ticket for his punishment: to the Diamond Street precinct, Philly’s roughest police district (it’s worst than Beirut, apparently). And wouldn’t you know it, Alex get paired up with the sourest hardass on the force: Det. Dennis Curren (Forest Whitaker). When Kearney’s former partner Mickey (Rick Aiello) is murdered, the two partners-at-odds must attempt to find to killer & find the link between the murder & a car smuggling ring. Will Kearney & Curren be at each other’s throats because of their differing backgrounds? Will they bond only after beating each other senseless? Can you figure out who will be behind the smuggling ring? Must you ask?

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
In the pantheon of Cop/Buddy teams, Edwards & Whitaker are no Nolte & Murphy. They’re no Gibson & Glover. They’re not even Treat Williams & Joe Piscopo! They might be somewhere slightly ahead of Turner & Hooch, though. Perhaps I’m being too harsh; especially in remembering the old phrase “You’re only as good as your material”. Some actors have experiences like this & in the case of Downtown scribe Nat Mauldin, he must not have wanted his actors to be very good. The guy obviously blasted through his cliché rolodex in making this pic, as they are laid on thickly even for a normal genre entry (quick inquiry: Who do you think had the cliché rolodex first…Joel Silver or Simpson/Bruckheimer?). You get the condescending insults, thinly veiled racism (though it’s against a white guy, so its ok…), conflicts over police procedure, befriending of the hardass’s family (those moments SO wanted to be like Lethal Weapon) and the inevitable “bonding fight”. Even Art Evans shows up as the police chief who’s loud enough to put Frank McRae to shame & spouts enough profanity for five Joe Pescis! Many times, Downtown comes off like the most profane pilot for a Cop/Buddy TV comedy, both in look & setup. And quality. Much like signing up Michael Jordan to your basketball team only to have him take part in a few practices, a production team would have totally lucked into having the two leads in this film if it were made today. The sad part is Whitaker & Edwards didn’t have as much award cred to them at the time as they would go on to have…and they still come off as slumming here! Edwards is serviceable with material that doesn’t go past “I like Beach Boys music and I dress like a nerd” and Whitaker does well with raising his material past having to bully the white guy & acting pissed off (might not have needed much motivation…). The only other semi-memorable performance is Joe Pantaliano making for a pretty spooky psycho, though that’s like asking Van Gogh to paint something passable. Unfortunately, the film is an Action/Comedy that’s not big enough on action or fun enough to sit through (ok, the punchline to the “wrath of God” speech made me chuckle). In order to get to the “big twist” at the end (which isn’t that big) & the requisite final shootout, you may need to turn off the sectors of your brain that process logic & political correctness. Oh, and a pot of coffee or four wouldn’t hurt.

Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- Glenn Plummer (Speed, Showgirls) is Valentine.

Body Count/Violence: 8. Until the obligatory “high noon” shootout, there isn’t much going on in Downtown action-wise. Along with occasional gunplay, there’s some beating, a slit throat and a car chase or two. Things get bloodier in the final scenes, including one doozy of a dispatching of one of the main villains. Let’s just say this one is gorier and more elaborate than when the same implement was used in Fargo.

Sexuality/Nudity: Kearney is stripped of his uniform by a large Mexican brood but nothing’s really shown....other than Edwards's skinny, white ass.

Language/Dialogue: Plenty of profanity, especially when the venerable Art Evans speaks about…well, anything (“Every backward, candy-ass, shit-for-brains fuck-up in the city, I get 'em!”).

How bad was it?:
Seeing as Downtown wasn’t very widely seen in its initial release (or since), there aren’t many reviews on it. That may be a good thing, considering that all of the reviews I picked up were as negative as could possibly be. My favorite review line: “The film was about as much fun as having your car stolen.” Unfortunately, I don’t think Cronenberg will be chronicling that fetish anytime soon.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Despite being a 20th Century Fox release, Downtown didn’t see much of anything in its dismal box-office history. Released in only 349 theaters on 1/12/90, the film only grossed $821,626 its opening weekend, good enough for 16th place behind newbies Internal Affairs, Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III and Ski Patrol (in the tradition of Hot Dog…The Movie…). It limped to a final gross of $2.3 million (no budget numbers available) & would end popping up on the FOX network a few times in the mid-90s. You can find it on Encore occasionally every few months but skip to the end because…well, that death…boy… whoo!

Film: *1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ***/*****

Copyright 2009 The Action Mutant.

Hard Target

2009-01-24T20:12:00.000-08:00

The Action Mutant…
would make a joke about Lance Henriksen being “flaming” but is afraid he would be glared to death.

Hard Target

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
(Note: Interesting to point out that after 132 reviews, this will be my first review of a Jean Claude Van Damme flick. I agree, it’s long overdue. I’m assuming that you are agreeing with me.)

At one time, a foreign filmmaker doing an American studio film for the first time was considered a big deal. When it was announced John Woo would be directing his first American made feature, the JCVD vehicle Hard Target, there was a sense of excitement but really more of unease. The inevitable questions arose…Would Universal, the film’s distributor, break down their new find & have him make the film the way an American studio film should? Would the MPAA neuter the bloody, grandiose violence that Woo was known for from his Hong Kong efforts? Would Wilford Brimley ride in on a horse, jump onto a larger horse, then a slightly smaller horse & ride off into the sunset? If you can’t figure out the answers to these questions (well, at least the first two) then you haven’t read too much about these sorts of things.

Problems began almost immediately, as Universal hired director Sam Raimi to be one of the executive producers in the event that he would become the “real” director of the flick once Woo fucked up. Raimi looked at it as an opportunity to work with one of his heroes, which was a far more respectable stance shown towards Woo than anyone at Universal showed. It got more ridiculous as studio execs were on set every day (during a two month shooting schedule, a timeframe half that of his filming of his opus Hard Boiled a year previous) handing down mandates on how many people could die during a scene, how much they could be shot & most likely how many squibs could be used! And then, there was Van Damme. Still having the clout of a major movie star at the time, JCVD felt during the editing process (which shockingly didn't involve Woo) that the film could use more of him…more Van Damme close-ups, more Van Damme action shots, more Van fucking Damme! Even if entire characters or scenes had to be compromised, so be it! People were paying to see him, not some guy with a fixation on guns & doves flying in slo-mo. When Woo delivered his 116 minute cut of Hard Target, Universal balked at the length (probably figuring JCVD fans didn’t have an attention span to stick with their hero for two hours). On top of that, the MPAA slapped Woo with the ever deadly NC-17 rating & had him edit and submit the film seven times before it was given an R. Hard Target made it to theaters at the end of the summer of 1993 at 97 minutes & while profitable, was nowhere near the success anyone had thought it would be. Woo’s career arguably never recovered, despite a few successful American features (Face/Off, the almost parody level Woo that was M-I:2). Amazingly, if this was all done in the present day, fans would most likely have to wait only a handful of months before the Director’s Cut would be available on DVD & all parties (studio, MPAA, fans, director, star) would be satisfied. It’s a shame that ego & supposed morality have gotten in the way of more than one promising effort and it’s even more of a shame that no one will seemingly ever learn from these mistakes.

The Plot, as it was:
Van Damme plays Chance Boudreaux, a merchant seaman (heh…merchant) who’s hard up for money in New Orleans. He takes the offer of distraught woman Nat Binder (Yancy Butler) to help her look for her homeless father (Chuck Pfarrer, the film’s screenwriter), whom she hasn’t seen in years. They find out that he’s been murdered as part of a sick game set up by madman Emil Fouchon (Lance Henriksen) where the latter enlists homeless combat vets to be chased through the N.O. streets by millionaires paying for the “rush” of hunting down another man. Emil’s men start killing off anyone close to the deceased Binder but soon realize that Boudreaux will not be easy to silence, especially when Chance makes his way to the backwoods where he grew up. Regardless of what you may have heard, hunting season has just begun!

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Despite all of the studio tomfoolery & MPAA dickery, Hard Target is still a pretty entertaining action showcase. The amount of dilution of Woo’s trademarks cannot totally take away from the fact that it is still a John Woo film, though more in a B movie sense. There’s still enough to satisfy an ardent Woo mark, even if nothing gets anywhere close to the crazed brilliance of Hard Boiled or The Killer. The action set pieces are the flick’s bread n’ butter, as they get progressively larger in scale until the warehouse finale, which is classic Woo the whole way through. As a pure Action film in America, few can touch Hard Target even if it was made 15 years ago. Unfortunately, every other aspect of HT is scattershot at best, which leads to its mixed reception. The main discrepancy for me has to be the old genre problem of having far more compelling villains than heroes. Though not exactly unexpected, Henriksen is the main reason to see this as far as performances go. He turns Fouchon into an amoral slime on par with Clarence Boddicker in Robocop & his role would probably be on par with that one in people’s minds if this film was looked at more favorably. The inflections he adds to certain lines & subtle movements (like the Napoleon stance when he orders his men) make his act far better than the final product deserves. Hell, he allowed himself to be set on fire for one scene…how can you not love that? As Fouchon’s second Van Cleef, Arnold Vosloo (The Mummy) brings a sardonic glee to his work & compliments Lance’s glower. This is all well and good because when it comes to the face side, it turns into a Horror film situation where you can’t help but want to root for the killer(s). A side of drywall could have been put in Butler’s place for as much emotion she displays, with her range going from “comatose” to “slightly startled”. You would think this would make JCVD look positively Looney Tunes by comparison but he’s just as uninteresting. His attempts to incorporate the Cajun speech into his dialogue are amusing & you will know that he’s at least awake in those scenes (oh, and the one’s where he’s kicking people). At least Wilford Brimley had his Quaker Oats & provides some moments as Chance’s Uncle Douvee, even if most of those moments are in an incomprehensible Cajun drawl (“Good whiskey make jackrabbit slap de bear!” Well…bye bye jackrabbit, then). However, the main thing that will irk Woo fans is that Hard Target lacks something in its hero that is readily apparent in Woo’s HK work: heart. In Hard Boiled & (especially) The Killer, the main characters were not only Supermen with guns but fully functioning, emotional characters. Van Damme’s infallible good guy may have worked in lesser efforts but it proves to be Hard Target’s biggest failing. When he encounters Fouchon for the final showdown, there’s little catharsis in seeing the baddie get his because the result is never in doubt, not even for a spilt second. Shame someone of the set didn’t realize Van Damme was lacking emotional pull, what with all of that screen time he had and all.

Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- Ted Raimi, Sam’s brother, is the guy on the street hassled by Elijah (Willie Carpenter).
- SVEN…Ole Thorsen is back at it again as Stephan, the killer with the goofy looking shirt that Chance ruins.

Body Count/Violence: 36. Normally, thirty six dead bodies in a Woo film are equal to “a good start” or “one hell of an opening five minutes”. There’s still enough craziness abounding, with a few pretty sweet gun battles & a good amount of bloody hits to every part of the anatomy. Add to that some stabbing, explosions, arrow shots (both regular & metal tipped), grenade attacks, ear cutting (a nod to QT’s Reservoir Dogs, though it’s cut from impact to only show the results), people set on fire, snake attacks (and blown off snake head) and Van Damme’s brawling and you got a party. The best kill in the flick (IMO) involves a surprised biker, JCVD’s shotgun & a gas can. You’re the amateur chemistry major, you figure it out! Much of the violence is shortened from the original cut, which accounts for some of the film’s choppy editing.

Sexuality/Nudity: There’s a topless woman on a paper flyer but its in black & white (well, black & pink actually) so that’s about it.

Language/Dialogue: A few strong profanities (several F words, some SOBs) but not overly bad.

How bad was it?:
Most of Hard Target’s reviews put it squarely in the middle, which is better response than most of Van Damme’s movies and worse than Woo’s HK works. Those that wondered what the big deal was with Woo did at least cite the studio interference, as it wasn’t exactly a largely kept secret. Even with Van Damme and some of the other uninspired casting choices (and by that, I mean Yancy Butler), many admitted Hard Target was the best Action film that year though (to most critics) it was like saying what AC/DC album was their favorite.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
After raping John Woo’s creative efforts for all their worth, Universal released Hard Target in America on 8/20/93. Made on a modest budget of $15 million, the film debuted in 2nd place behind the third week of The Fugitive (which still had three more weeks before it was knocked out of that spot) with $10.1 million. It took a little less than a month for it to drop out of the top 10 & it finished its run in the States with $32.6 million (and $41.6 million overseas, for a final take of $74.2 million). This made it the 49th top grossing movie of the year, which did nothing more than give Woo the stigma of failure in America for a few years. Despite the grand age of DVD & countless versions of several films on the market, Hard Target is still only available in retail in its 97 minute theatrical version. If you go to certain sites, you may be able to find the 100 minute Unrated, overseas cut or the 116 minute Director’s Cut if you dig a little deeper.

Film: **1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ****1/2/*****

Copyright 2009 The Action Mutant.

Death Hunt

2009-01-19T21:47:00.000-08:00

The Action Mutant…
sells his own pocket sized Charles Bronsons for trips out into the wilderness.

Death Hunt

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
A few numerical facts about Charles Bronson & Death Hunt:
- One of seven Bronson films to include the word “death” in the title (along with the five Death Wish films & 1988’s Messenger of Death).
- First of two films Bronson starred in that was directed by Peter Hunt (1987’s Assassination being the second).
- Released almost 14 years after The Dirty Dozen, which was the first on-screen pairing of Bronson & Lee Marvin.
- Third of four Bronson films that Ed Lauter appeared in (the others being Breakheart Pass, The White Buffalo & Death Wish 3).
- Though not a numerically based fact, did you know Ed Lauter was a stand up comedian before he started acting? Somehow that reminds me of Superintendent Chalmers’ assistant from The Simpsons doing a stand up routine. Lauter did star on one episode of Manimal in 1983, which would account for at least one laugh if he did stand up today. Hey, this was a numerically based fact after all!

The Plot, as it was:
Bronson stars as Albert Johnson, a mysterious drifter that rides into the Yukon Territory in 1931. His trouble begins when he rescues a wounded dog from a fight set up by the animal’s owner Hazel (Lauter). A visit by Hazel’s posse to Johnson’s cabin results in one dead dog & one dead posse member, so Mountie Edgar Millen (Marvin) and his crew come to the cabin to bring Johnson in peaceably. When a resolution seems almost in reach, Hazel’s trigger happy thugs start a shootout & a later dynamiting of Johnson’s cabin leads to Albert’s escape. Johnson, an experienced outdoorsman that knows the lay of the land, is chased by Millen, Hazel & many others looking to bring him down for a hefty reward ($1,000…remember, its 1931). If that’s not enough, the rumor that Johnson is the so-called “Mad Trapper” (some loon that carves out people’s gold fillings for monetary gain) adds fuel to the chase…a chase Millen is determined to end himself.

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
One of the old adages that come to mind while watching Death Hunt is “Don’t let the facts get in the way of a good story.” Despite that the film is based on the true life chase of the “Mad Trapper of Rat River”, writers Michael Grais & Mark Victor (Marked for Death) reworked history so the film resembles a more traditional chase pic (history lesson this isn’t…this is). Words also don’t get in the way for our hero as I would be genuinely surprised if Bronson spoke over 75 words during the course of the film (though that does work for the character, as the real Albert Johnson was heard to have not said a word during the five week chase). On the surface, this seems like any other Bronson shoot-‘em-up style piece: it’s slam-bang, bloody escapist fare in which Bronson glares long & says little. This is all true but there are a few things that differentiate this from the usual notch on Old Stoneface. For one thing, the casting is spot on in every which way, from Bronson in the no nonsense lead to Marvin as his weathered yet cagey adversary. I enjoyed the subtleties that came about during their scenes together, such as the stares & grins during the heat of the chase that communicated (to each other & the audience) that an odd camaraderie was there, despite the fact that one wants to bring the other man to justice. Carl Weathers & Andrew Stevens also provide solid support as Millen’s deputies, as they get to somewhat flesh out their archetypes. Director Hunt, at the helm of globetrotting adventures such as On Her Majesty’s Secret Service & Shout at the Devil, makes the most of his Canadian scenery with grand cinematography from SatD camera operator James Devis. The buildup to the inevitable violent catalyst is handled very well, with the action being gritty & appropriate against the wilderness landscape. So, it comes as a bit of a disappointment when the film starts to slow up in the middle & only gets by on the two leads’ effortless screen presence. Two stars such as Bronson & Marvin can take away from some of the more glaring mistakes here, like suspect audio synching & editing (as well as Johnson jumping onto a snow bank that is located near a modern day traffic guardrail! I knew the 1930s were progressive but, shit…). Thankfully at 97 minutes, the film recovers for a stellar ending & makes for one of Bronson’s more viewable post-Death Wish vehicles.

Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- Sean McCann (Run, Tommy Boy) is the news reporter that offers the reward for Johnson’s capture. McCann also co-starred with Bronson in the latter’s last film role, the 1999 TV film Family of Cops III: Under Suspicion.

Body Count/Violence: 11. The bloodbath that was Chuck Bronson’s career was only accentuated with this effort. Whilst the number of dead bodies doesn’t reflect it, the blood per corpse factor is fairly high here. The dead are mostly handled by Bronson’s sawed off shotgun, resulting in blood splattering shots to the head, neck & chest. My favorite is when the rodent faced Charlie Rat (Maurice Kowaleski) is urged to break down Johnson’s door after his cabin has been shot up. Once the door opens, Johnson greets him from the foxhole in his floor & promptly blasts the poor bastard five feet out of the doorway with said shotgun. Unfortunately, the gore is skimped on the final few deaths & that takes away from their visceral impact. There’s some fighting, bear trap snaring, plane crashes & the aforementioned dog fight in the beginning.

Sexuality/Nudity: No nudity but there are the subplots of Sundog (Weathers) offering the “Buffalo Woman” (Amy Marie George) to Constable Adams (Stevens) & Hazel eventually revealing his true nature. And yet, Angie Dickinson is in the film for about as long as it takes to prepare a ham sandwich & nothing happens. Guess it just reestablishes the fact that there’s no room for women (Buffalo, Police or otherwise) in the Great Wild.

Language/Dialogue: A few F word instances & some old salt slang, mainly courtesy of Millen (“That look on your face would turn good whiskey into sour piss.”)

How bad was it?:
Not much in the way of reviews on this one, despite the fact that it’s not all that obscure (pops up on Encore or AMC several times during the year, for example). Few called it a serviceable actioner while others unfairly lumped it in with Bronson’s other “revenge” pics. Ok, so I suppose he is getting revenge for someone here (the wounded dog) but that’s pushing it a little.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Northshore Investments Ltd. & Golden Harvest (who would later pair up for the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie) produced Death Hunt & released it in New York on 5/22/81 through 20th Century Fox. No budget figures were made public but the film made $5 million in the U.S. during its initial run & is available on DVD through Anchor Bay.

Film: ***/*****
Entertainment value: ****/*****

Copyright 2009 The Action Mutant.

Bloody Mama

2009-01-13T19:40:00.000-08:00

The Action Mutant…
shudders if there’s a sexual education film of the same title.

Bloody Mama

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
I don’t usually shill a movie on here & definitely don’t do so before its premiere but the exception is this case. Simply put…go see The Wrestler. I was jazzed when I first heard about the project, being the grapple aficionado that I am. Hearing that Nicholas Cage was supposed to be the lead caused a few lumps in the throat, as I could only imagine the manic promos (interviews) he would have conjured up while in character (“HI-FUCKING-YA to YOU, Mr. Fuji!”). When Cage dropped out & Mickey Rourke took over, my heart grew three sizes immediately. In reading about the storyline for the film & the cementing of Rourke’s involvement, I could just feel this was going to be something special. Out of all of the past Hollywood tough guys out there, which one conveys “beaten down, husk of a former giant” better than Mickey Rourke? As the release draws near (goes wide January 16th), I’m smiling on the inside at the fact that I will see a film that actually takes the subject of pro wrestling seriously for a change. Because lets face it, for every Beyond the Mat there are five of Ready to Rumble or No Holds Barred. Also, WWE head Vince McMahon got a special screening of the film recently and (shockingly) hated what he saw. Considering what’s happened the past few years, I’d be thankful someone wasn’t making a movie about Chris Benoit right about now if I was “Vinnie Mac”. Anyway, go out and see this on the 16th & check out this TAM friend if you’re a Mickey Rourke fan (or about to become one after you see…THE WRESTLER!).

The Plot, as it was:
Shelley Winters (The Poseidon Adventure) stars as “Ma” Barker, the verbose mother of a gang of bank robbing sons during the Depression era. Ma’s oedipal hold has produced an eclectic menagerie of sons, including gun happy Herman (Don Stroud), quiet Arthur (Clint Kimbrough), drugged out Lloyd (Robert DeNiro) and masochistic homosexual Fred (Robert Walden). The matriarch is content with the family robbing banks to carve out a living (as well as conveniently timed sing-a-longs) but they all end up on the run after a few innocents are murdered under Ma’s orders. As authorities close in, Ma’s “boys” begin to realize that their mother doesn’t really know best (Ed note: I know it’s supposed to be “Father Knows Best”. Just go with me, here!).

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Those expecting a low budget gorefest in the grand Grindhouse tradition may be somewhat disappointed with the results of Bloody Mama (based on the true story of the Barker clan, to which the movie is mostly faithful to the source). Directed & produced by B movie impresario Roger Corman, BM shoots to be a bit more ambitious than the base instincts of the genre. The main focus of the film is how the sons progress from one crazy, (usually) murderous situation to the next, usually at the prompting of Ma & their slow descent into certain doom. There’s nothing wrong with this sort of build & the cast representing Barker’s brood displays their characters well (with an indication of the future to come in DeNiro’s oddball portrayal). Of course, these subtler, character based elements conflict with the movie’s flow & the result is something that is rarely seen in a Corman flick: it slows up! It actually seems longer than its 90 minute run time & there are actually times where the viewer looks for something to happen, only to be greeted by one of Ma Barker’s domineering song sessions. The exploitive nature that’s usually a given in Corman productions is curbed somewhat here & when it does show up, it only make things more uneven. However, it’s easy to get distracted by all of this whenever Winters’ Ma Barker is on screen. “Barker” ends up to be a very appropriate character name as Shelley literally barks, snarls, spits and eschews scenery with every motion. It takes immeasurable bravado to overshadow both yeomen’s work by Pat Hingle (as a businessman the Barkers kidnap) and Bruce Dern’s usual eccentric self (as Fred’s menacing boyfriend) but Winters does it. Her freaking out in the final moments is the perfect capper & carries the movie out on a high note. Without it, Bloody Mama is only intermittently interesting & alternates between audacity and waiting.

Body Count/Violence: 16. Despite its title, Bloody Mama doesn’t live up to the former half of its moniker until the last ten minutes of the film. Here, the Barkers & the police shoot it out with each other with grand abandon (and a live audience!), resulting in several bloody bullet hits (including Tommy gun fire to someone’s face & the brief, yet nasty aftermath). Before that, there is more shooting, fighting, a car chase that results in an explosion, drowning, drug use & an old woman being thrown from a moving car!

Sexuality/Nudity: Diane Varsi (as Herman’s girl Mona) shows her breasts in a bedroom scene & a woman shows her curvy backside while running from the Barkers after a backwoods tryst. Pamela Dunlap is shown in a suggestively cut up swimsuit & three old broads are left in the woods in their bloomers and topless (stop vomiting; they have arms over them the whole time). I’m sure Corman had to be chuckling at that one a little.

Language/Dialogue: Mild for the most part, with Ma having an affinity to calling cops “sons of bitches”.

How bad was it?:
Though the reviews were mixed (and expectedly so), opinions skewed more wildly than most Corman efforts. Some critics deemed it as straight exploitation while others praised it for its attempt at looking at the Barkers in a psychological manner. There was even some citing back to the film it’s obviously compared to (Bonnie & Clyde), saying that the violence & lifestyle wasn’t as glamorized as it was in B&C. And when you think glamorous, you think Shelley Winters (c-mon, did you really think I’d get through the whole review without even the slightest of shots at ol’ Shelley Win? I kid, I kid.).

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Being an American International release & produced by the “King of the Bs”, it would be fair to presume that Bloody Mama was a financial success, even without the budget or box office gross figures to back it up. It was released in America on 3/24/70.

Film: **1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ***/*****

Copyright 2009 The Action Mutant.

Hangfire

2009-01-08T19:36:00.000-08:00

The Action Mutant…
waits for Hangfire 2: Hangnail!

Hangfire

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
This past Christmas was a fairly uneventful one for TAM. I didn’t receive any new review fodder like last year, which produced the Lethal Weapon trilogy for my collection. However, I’m sure the post-holiday residuals will produce some great material that will be summarily broken down into hackneyed musings written for my enjoyment & no one else’s. That said, the start of TAM’s year brings him back to the public domain sector via Fancast.com, which offers a stellar selection of free films & TV episodes to watch (and no, this is not a cost cutting measure resembling those you have heard on the news as of late). And my first reviewed flick of the year…comes from the production team that brought the world the Barbarian Brothers vehicle Double Trouble! God Bless Us…Everyone!

The Plot, as it was:
Brad Davis (Midnight Express) plays Ike Slayton, the newly married Sheriff of a small New Mexico town. Before any honeymoon can commence, Ike’s prosecutor wife Maria (Kim Delaney) is taken hostage along with other townspeople by escaped killer/rapist Kuttner (Lee de Broux) & a posse of escaped felons. Caught in between a standoff with the convicts & a glut of National Guard soldiers led by the quite tweaked Col. Johnson (Jan-Michael Vincent), Ike teams with best bud Billy (Ken Foree) and attempts to diffuse the situation his way (which is hopefully not the “Max Power” way).

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
A strange thing happened while I was watching Hangfire…I kept expecting it to suck. I mean wholeheartedly suck. Suck to the point that I would have to go order Taco Bell immediately afterwards so I wouldn’t feel as dirty as I had after watching it. Seriously, the cast consists of Jan-Michael Vincent, James Tolkan (Principal Strickland in the Back to the Future films…slacker!), George Kennedy, Yaphet Kotto, Lou Ferrigno and Lyle Fucking Alzado!...tell me this doesn’t sound like a Cannonball Run flick to you? And yet, Hangfire is much like the Krevoy/Stabler production I mentioned in the opening paragraph, as it’s quick, somewhat breezy Action fare that doesn’t overstay its welcome. It takes the whole “convicts busting out & raising hell” premise (done with a far bigger budget in Con Air) and does modestly well with low funding, squeezing a good amount of shootouts from it. The menagerie of former award winners & B flick luminaries actually fare well for the most part, though Kennedy & Kotto’s roles are fairly glorified cameos that take up about seven minutes of screen time combined. Davis & Foree have good buddy chemistry for the most part, even if Davis tends to be a bit dull in the lead. The solution to that quandary is to have a great villain to pick up the slack and de Broux plays the part in all of its slimy, over the top glory. You can tell he’s having fun with the role & he gets some great support from Tolkan as his confidant-in-arms. And who can’t appreciate JMV cracking tough guy lines in a slightly bent fashion (“I think we should march right in there and kick ‘em in the balls!”)? Things start to sputter around the end though, as the final confrontation in a helicopter comes off looking awkward (lots of long shots) & ends rather anticlimactically. In turn, the end’s a little too neat but it ends up fitting in with the already light tone of the movie. If you don’t mind your Action films being very digestible & compact for a rainy day afternoon, Hangfire will work for a decent 90 minute fix and may offer a surprise or two along the way.

Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- Fred Schneider (lead singer of The B-52s) is Attorney Allen. There goes a narwhal! (err…narwhal noise).

Body Count/Violence: 28. Hangfire starts things off with a moderately gory shower stabbing & continues to bring the blood on an intermittent basis. Most of it comes about by shooting, with at least one character getting it point blank in the head. The film also sports a nice car crash, some strangling, explosions, fighting, etc. It’s nothing to get crazy over but it’s enough to satiate as well.

Sexuality/Nudity: None. Who would have thought Delaney would flaunt her body more on TV & not in B movies such as this?

Language/Dialogue: Some occasional F bomb usage, as well as Kuttner calling Maria “bitch” while trying to “seduce” her. Ok, so those scenes kind of reminded me of the local gym teacher trying to come on to a hot MILF. And not in the slightly uncomfortable, yet still funny Coach McGurik on Home Movies type of way.

How bad was it?:
Being a not-so-widely-seen feature, there aren’t many reviews or feedback on Hangfire. What’s there is pretty mixed, with exactly one decent review and one bad fan feedback message.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Filmed on the cheap in Santa Clarita, California, Motion Picture Corporation of America released Hangfire on video (through the Columbia/TriStar label) on 8/7/91. No box office/budget figures are public & it is only available on VHS (for as low as $1.49 on Amazon…or for FREE!).

Film: **1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ***1/2/*****

Copyright 2009 The Action Mutant.

Mixed Blood

2008-12-22T23:00:00.000-08:00

The Action Mutant…
says life is alright in America, if you are white in America. (yes, a musical reference by TAM!)

Mixed Blood

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
Ummm...Merry Christmas?

The Plot, as it was:
Marília Pêra stars as Rita LaPunta, a Brazilian matriarch of an army of street kids that push her drugs in the Alphabet City neighborhood in Manhattan. Her hold over her only biological son Thiago (Richard Ulacia) is almost incestuous, as she fawns over him & seemingly controls every aspect of his life. That is until the high society girlfriend (Linda Kerridge) of Rita’s German drug supplier (Ulrich Berr) falls for Thiago & wants to experience gang life herself. Couple that with the rival Latino gang that’s working with other forces to bring Rita’s Mateceros down and you have a situation that even a Menudo party couldn’t solve (and Rita loves her some Menudo!).

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
The underrated greatness of Mixed Blood lies not only in its grass roots production style (i.e. there isn’t much production to speak of) but in its sheer audaciousness in looking at the supposed realities of urban life. I say “supposed” because while the film boasts the look of an eye opening expose into urban plight, its really a darkly funny, gangland melodrama in the grand tradition of 70s exploitation fare. It’s a Dickensian nightmare that involves Latin music & crack…and given its writer/director (Paul Morrissey, Andy Warhol’s main director), is probably told by someone on the stuff. How else do you explain the scene where the neighborhood addicts line up on the street & order their drugs as if they were at a cafeteria (“Coke or Heroin?”)? Or where a rival gang member is lured into a sexual tryst (on a mattress in the middle of an alley…classy), only to be run down by a car driven by some Mateceros while on said mattress? Nothing is ever on an even keel in this one, which also includes the acting. One of Morrissey’s trademarks is using amateur actors in his productions and that results here in some interesting performances. Marcelino Rivera (as ex-cop/co-conspirator Hector) goes into profanity laden histrionics seemingly at a moment’s notice, which goes ditto for Angel David as Juan the Bullet. However, the two can’t hold a candle to Ulacia, who’s yelling of EVERY SINGLE LINE in an almost unintelligible manner, reminded me of pro wrestler The Great Khali. Oddly enough (as many message posters have mentioned), the fact that his character is slow in nature is strangely belied by the constant bellowing (“I DON’T LIKE IT!”). The absolute center of the film is Pêra & she gives a show that is deserving of that distinction. As LaPunta, Pêra is charismatic, sensual & all around amazing in taking what could be a one-dimensional coke lord and making her a fully fledged, enigmatic force of nature. Like many villainous characters, she ends up strangely likable despite using her “kids” as her own personal army & her tenuous grab over Thiago. Everyone can empathize with capitalizing on a dream and doing anything to keep that dream a reality (which is probably why a similar film in Scarface has maintained its popularity all of these years). Her performance keeps the film grounded when it seems like it should fly off the rails & gives odd moments (like the scene in the Menudo store) an eerily charming resonance to them. Right up to the final bloodletting, her imbalance between sweet mother figure & ruthless tyrant makes the imbalance the film has between the real and the surreal all the more mesmerizing.

Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- John Leguizamo is a Macetero during the basketball court beating (in his first film role).

Body Count/Violence: 24. Though it wears its low budget squarely on its sleeve, Mixed Blood manages to be quite visceral when it needs to be. Many a gangbanger is shot down in bloody fashion, as well as being stabbed (both by knife and in the neck via a needle), run down by car, beaten down, thrown off roofs, etc.

Sexuality/Nudity: None.

Language/Dialogue: All of these kids must have been watching Tony Montana before filming began because the F bombs (among other words) are dropped with great frequency.

How bad was it?:
There aren’t many reviews on Mixed Blood as not many people have seen it (6.0 based on 160 votes on IMDB). Viewer feedback skews very wildly, with people either appreciating its exploitive nature or not caring for it. Personally, I think some people weren’t in on the joke.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
AMLF & Sara Films, a French production company, produced Mixed Blood and distributed it through Cinevista. It was released in America on 10/18/85 on a limited basis. No box office or budget records are public.

Film: ***1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ****/*****

Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.

The Stone Killer

2008-12-20T19:44:00.000-08:00

The Action Mutant…
wonders of the possibilities for “Bronson’s Lead Sandwiches” as a franchise.

The Stone Killer

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
You may have noticed two comments that were deleted from my recent review of Instant Justice. Just so no one thinks I’m trying to be a tyrant of some kind, I’ll just say that they were deleted because I didn’t want there to be multiple posts full of inane bickering. However, just to reiterate for that reader in question:
I am not jealous of Michael Pare. That’s laughable because if I was, I’d have to be jealous of the hundreds of other actors that have more name recognition than he does. I thought it was readily apparent in that opening perspective that I was poking fun at critics (which would also mean me) that would chastise Mr. Pare’s steady yet unspectacular career while he was living it up in Amsterdam. Obviously, this dear reader didn’t read the entire article or he would have realized that I was being tongue in cheek. And as for not researching well for these reviews, I believe I do more than my fair share of it to make sure these are entertaining & factual. If I’m not sure of something, I don’t write it. I don’t “make shit up”, so to speak. Sorry to have subjected you fair minded readers to this but sometimes it takes one person to ruin shit for everyone.

The Plot, as it was:
Charles Bronson stars as Lou Torrey, an NYC cop transferred to Los Angeles with a reputation as a reckless force (he shot a teenager who pulled a gun on him during a chase). When an informant (Eddie Firestone) is shot dead in his care, Torrey investigates what prompted the slaying. Torrey eventually uncovers a twisted murder plot in which Don Alberto Vescari (Martin Balsam) plans on taking out the remaining mob bosses in the area through unconventional channels. As expected, Torrey also has to deal with police personnel in nervous Lt. Daniels (Norman Fell!) and a bigoted bungler of a partner named Matthews (Ralph Waite!).

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Cop: “He has a big gun.”
Lou Torrey: “…and a short future.”

With that brief exchange in the opening moments of The Stone Killer, viewers know all too well what to expect. Bronson goes to his second specialty in playing the rogue cop that bends the law to get results. Eastwood did it most memorably almost two years earlier in Dirty Harry & while this effort is lesser, it isn’t entirely disposable. At 95 minutes, TSK is certainly brisk and takes no time at getting to the point. Director Michael Winner (helming a Bronson pic for the 3rd time, after Chato’s Land & The Mechanic) is all brass tacks filmmaking here, showing off the action with no frills & a lean, brutal streak. That description obviously parallels its star as well as Bronson is at his cagey best. He’s at home in this universe, whether he’s cracking dry one liners & laying down hard ass dialogue as only Old Stoneface can. He’s also aided by a pretty solid supporting cast, including the future Mr. Roper, Walter Burke as a nervous drug dealer & Paul Koslo in an off key role of a bisexual trumpet player (acting with a manner similar to his one scene role in The Laughing Policeman). However, what makes this less memorable in the eyes of Bronson-philes is the inclusion of some heavy subjects that aren’t really milked for their full potential. There’s really no rhyme or reason to Ralph Waite’s racist cop being in the film other than providing Bronson with an occasional foil. Aside from a few comments that allow Torrey to respond tolerantly, Waite’s Matthews is just around for occasional comic relief & the whole thing comes off as a wasted opportunity. The whole “Vietnam vet” angle used is another arc that is briefly explored but doesn’t really go beyond being paid lip service. The plot moves all over the place, which is pretty unusual for a Bronson pic and it comes off a bit too ambitious for an hour and a half feature. When the action comes to the forefront, the film moves & moves well, with the finale making for a good set piece to let the corpses start piling up at a fast pace. The audience is left with one of those trademark, ambiguous, 70s endings that either makes sense to you or leaves you saying “That’s it?” There’s nothing wrong with that but its hardly memorable enough of a note to go out on, leaving The Stone Killer to be not much more than a decent time killer for your rainy day plans.

Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- John Ritter is Officer Mort, the cop that escorts prisoner Gus Lipper (David Moody).

Body Count/Violence: 26. Bronson hands out most of the piping hot lead sandwiches as usual, as well as running a suspect through a store window with his car (the end result of one of the film’s occasional car chases)! The shooting is sometimes bloody & manages to produce some sort of record for stunt dummies used (as this article hilariously points out. Note: Does it surprise anyone that Bronson did a commercial for a product named Mandom?)

Sexuality/Nudity: A brief shot of a topless woman in bed is shown early in the movie. Alfred Langley’s (Koslo) bed partner is shown in his underwear but that’s as far as that goes. Langley dies soon afterwards at the hands of Bronson, which may or may not have been coincidental.

Language/Dialogue: Somewhere between mild & strong, with an inconsistent racial slur or two used.

How bad was it?:
If you’re familiar with the critical response of Bronson’s other vehicles, it won’t surprise you to learn that the reviews here are just as mixed as any other. Ebert described it as “…stylish escapism at breakneck speed” but preceded it with “it’s not much more nor does it mean to be”. Other reviews pretty much had their stars (or thumbs) planted squarely in the middle.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Columbia Pictures released The Stone Killer in America on 8/8/73, almost a full year before Bronson’s star making turn in Death Wish. No box office or budget figures are public. It isn’t available on DVD in the States but it is on British region free DVD here.

Film: **1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ***1/2/*****

Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.

Mr. Nice Guy (1997 - Uncut Version)

2008-12-12T19:42:00.000-08:00

The Action Mutant…
needs a stuntman for everyday life.

Mr. Nice Guy

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
Once again, another goodie from the unratedjoe file that features my favorite Action star…that uses weapons…but rarely a gun. My favorite to always use a gun is Bronson. Ok, this is just a way for me to get around having to choose between Charlie & the Chan man. I just can’t do it! (Note: This is a review of the 94 minute Hong Kong version, which is 6 minutes longer than the U.S. version)

The Plot, as it was:
Jackie is Jackie (seriously, Chan is the Tony Danza of Hong Kong), a TV show cook who aids news reporter Diana (Gabrielle Fitzpatrick) as she is chased by the mob & street gangs. They all want a tape she shot of a drug deal gone bad, as if there’s ever a drug deal gone good in these things. Of course, her tape gets mixed up with a tape of Jackie’s cooking show & hijinks ensue. You think I overdid the plot synopsis? Three sentences seemed to be a bit much.

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Though I seemingly say this with every Chan film I review, the storyline in Mr. Nice Guy is about as razor thin as one can get. Oddly enough, the movie is almost a step-by-step redux of Chan’s American groundbreaker Rumble in the Bronx (complete with annoying ice cream vendor guy & yellow vehicle used for climactic destruction)! The villains are as cutout as can be, the women are around to be “damsels in distress” and Jackie isn’t even a good cook (sorry, that sloppy dicing technique didn’t cut it for me)! There are convenient turns & unintentional laughs (wow, that incriminating video manages to have multiple camera angles…even though it was shot from one spot! Bitchin’ technology!). Any Chan vehicle is mainly memorable for its parts, not the sum of the whole and Mr. Nice Guy is no exception. In fact, those parts make for some of the craziest, most creative sequences of his cinematic career. Coupled with the sure hand of director & long time collaborator Sammo Hung (who has an amusing cameo as an abused bicyclist), Jackie is either fighting thugs in the back of a van in motion or hitmen in the back of a horse drawn carriage. Of course, Jackie is more than willing to let you know he’s in danger of dying several times during the film, whether he’s almost run over by a bulldozer or nearly unmanned by a band saw! Hardcore fans may be disappointed that there’s no climactic fight between their hero & Martial Arts stalwart Richard Norton (playing the over the top villain here) but that’s only a minor quibble amongst quite a few of them. Mr. Nice Guy may not be a classic in the pantheon of Chan but after 90+ minutes of seemingly non stop chase, it’s pretty easy to forget what its not & enjoy what it is.

Body Count/Violence: 6. As mentioned, Mr. Nice Guy is more of a chase film so not too many buy the farm in this one (a few shootings & stabbings, as well as someone being buried alive underneath a pile of gravel). Plenty of brawls with many weapons used, window crashing, car wrecks & explosions make up the bulk of the mayhem.

Sexuality/Nudity: Gabrielle Fitzpatrick…in her underwear…running in slow motion. This might be Sammo Hung’s best directorial moment ever. Well, this and the final fight in The Prodigal Son. They’re pretty close. There’s also a scene of a woman (Judy Green) in a bikini.

Language/Dialogue: Just a few mild profanities, if that.

How bad was it?:
In the States, the reviews were as mixed as ever for any Chan film that came after Bronx. Those that focused merely on the action & sight gags (Roger Ebert, being one of Chan’s frequent champions) maintained positive reviews, while those that looked at the flick’s more weaker aspects (plot, acting, etc.) tended to be less kind to it.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Golden Harvest launched Mr. Nice Guy as a Hong Kong Lunar Year release on 1/31/97. It did the usual spectacular returns that Chan’s movies do there, grossing $45.4 million HK in less than three months time. It went on to do considerably less business when it was released in America by New Line Cinema on 3/20/98, debuting in 6th place behind new competition Primary Colors & Wild Things with $5.3 million. It folded shortly afterwards with a total stateside gross of $12.7 million.

Film: **1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ****1/2/*****

Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.

The Laughing Policeman

2008-12-09T17:33:00.000-08:00

The Action Mutant…
is waiting for the term “fruiter” to make a comeback.

The Laughing Policeman

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
It’s a bit ironic that my viewing of this film coincided with the release of the latest Gus Van Sant film Milk, with Sean Penn already garnering Oscar buzz by playing the first openly gay politician. Needless to say, the handling of the subject of homosexuals between the release of these two films has varied greatly as time has gone on. And yet California, the free wheeling, hippie cousin that rarely gets invited to the party, recently voted AGAINST gay marriage! C-mon, your frat party attending, annoying, goofball cousin Massachusetts beat you to the punch! Even Da Gubenator thinks your wrong & thinks the “fruity pants” should have their rights as well. Cali, I thought I knew you better! Don’t worry; this is about as political as I will get on here. You know, other than talking about the Russkies & the Cold War and how it can all be settled with one boxing match. HEARTS…ON…FIRE! STRONG…DE…SI…RE! Sorry…reflex.

The Plot, as it was:
Walter Matthau (Charley Varrick, Grumpy Old Men) stars as Sgt. Jake Martin, a San Francisco detective that has discovered his partner Dave Evans (Anthony Costello) dead amongst a bus full of slain patrons. Under the impression that Evans was on vacation, Martin begins to realize that his partner was working on a case that Martin failed to close two years previously. Angry and determined to find the bus shooter & tie up loose ends, Martin is reluctantly paired with Leo Larsen (Bruce Dern), a flippant, laid back Inspector that’s the oil to Martin’s very sour water. The clues lead the two down some very lurid paths within a city that has changed before them.

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
There are two brilliant sequences within the first 30 minutes of The Laughing Policeman (based on the 1968 Swedish novel) that are just a marvel to watch. After a gunman has bloodily gunned down nine people on a public bus, the police start to slowly file onto the scene’s aftermath. Bit by bit, every detail is broken down; every angle is batted about to try to make sense of what has happened. The crime scene is busted right down to the removal of the bodies and (finally) the bus itself, with the detectives trying to form some sort of foundation as to why each victim was on the bus & a possible target of the killer’s rage. Later, the detectives are talking over the case while in the morgue, their dialogue overlapping with one of the attendants reading off the bodies’ stats with an unrelenting terseness. If the remainder of TLP was equal to these two parts, it would no doubt be a seminal classic in the genre. And while the rest of the flick is engrossing & entertaining, it does have a few faults. While it’s a given that the film is going to be somewhat dated, the scenes where Lou Gossett Jr. (as Insp. James Larrimore) talks “street” with a black pimp & a militant respectively come off forced & foolish (in comparison to the rest of the tale). Fans of political correctness won’t be pleased at how the subject of homosexuality is handled, as it comes off as some sort of sickness that makes bad people worse & more homicidal and/or outlandish (one of the many jaded views that came about before the late 80s). This leads to another “mad, homosexual serial killer” portrayal and while it’s not as insulting as, say Cruising, it does leave one slightly disappointed to learn there’s no real internal motive to the madness. It does give Martin & Larsen an added layer of characterization, as they have a hard time adjusting to the rapidly progressive lifestyle that is becoming of San Fran (though it’s more taciturn Martin showing his disapproval than the more freewheeling Larsen). Matthau is the usual portrait of glumness, doggedly determined while beaten down at the same time (his character’s moments of isolation come across as some of the movie’s better moments). He doesn’t come off as hard as an Eastwood or Bronson but it is a fine departure from cracking dick jokes at Jack Lemmon (not saying that act wasn’t fun, though). However, Dern manages to steal the film outright with his laconic demeanor & dry inflection toward even the smallest dialogue. He’s seemingly the court jester amongst all of the grim realities set before us and he & Matthau have some great back-and-forths in the “cop/buddy” tradition. Director Stuart Rosenberg (Cool Hand Luke) and cinematographer David M. Walsh (Silver Streak, Johnny Dangerously) capture the allure & seamy underbelly of the city well and the supporting cast (including Anthony Zerbe as the surly police chief) adds to the hard boiled nature of the story. By the end of The Laughing Policeman, you feel like you have been along for the detail and (depending on your tolerance for the “by the book”, no frills portrayal of the police work & un-PC views) it proves to be quite the interesting ride.

Body Count/Violence: 18. While not a thrill-ride a minute as far as Action is concerned, TLP has some fine set pieces that include some gory shooting. A fight or two is accompanied by a decent car chase & a woman jumping out of a window.

Sexuality/Nudity: There’s a shot of a topless stripper, as well as a shot of a topless performance artist whose…very rotund. The subject matter tends to be fairly lurid, tackling homosexuality, S&M, prostitution, etc.

Language/Dialogue: With a few F words, the language gets salty on occasion. Let it be known I would follow Dern around & pay him $5 every time he would call someone a “fruiter”.

How bad was it?:
The reviews regard it generally well but its degrees of greatness vary. Some latter day critics were more turned off by some of the takes on homosexuality or felt it was just too slowly paced as compared to others in the genre (Dirty Harry, The French Connection, etc.)

Did it make the studio’s day?:
No box office or budget records are public for this 20th Century Fox distributed film, which saw its premiere in New York on 12/20/73. Since this was the only noted release date of the film in America, it’s likely it wasn’t very widely distributed in its debut.

Film: ***1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ****/*****

Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.

Police Story 4: First Strike

2008-12-06T20:14:00.000-08:00

The Action Mutant…
says you can’t have any fuckin’ jellybeans!

Police Story 4: First Strike (aka Jackie Chan’s First Strike)

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
I’d like to thank unratedjoe (not me, though it’s an alias I wish I lifted) for this gem that I watched on YouTube (complete with new widescreen setting!). It’s nice seeing a Jackie Chan movie in it’s entirety for a change before Bob Weinstein or some screw gets a hold of it. (Note: The film reviewed here is the 107 minute Hong Kong release of Police Story 4: First Strike, not the 88 minute American release known as Jackie Chan’s First Strike).

The Plot, as it was:
Chan is back as Inspector Chan Ka Kui, a Hong Kong cop recruited to take part in a sting in Ukraine by “the new KGB”. The Russians are trying to bring in Jackson Tsui (Jackson Lau), a spy with a nuclear warhead in his possession that he wants to sell to the highest bidder. When Jackson escapes a sale gone badly, Chan remains on his trail & follows him to Australia. While trying to obtain answers from Tsui’s sister Annie (Annie Wu), Chan finds out he has been doubled crossed by KGB head Gregor (Yuri Petrov), who is really a mobster that’s out for the warhead himself. Jackie Chan v. an imminent threat of nuclear warfare? I know who I’m betting on!

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
I’ll admit that the plots to Jackie Chan movies are like a big basin of weak soup. There are some good bits amongst a whole bunch of stock…stock characters, stock situations, stock dialogue, you name it. The funny thing is in the grand scheme of things, one thing is apparent: no one cares. Chan could star in a shot for shot remake of Die Hard with Keanu Reeves as Hans Gruber and no one would bat an eye because Jackie would provide the whole shebang. Not that there aren’t other good elements in First Strike because it at least resembles a cohesive work instead of a highlight reel (four words: Rumble in the Bronx). The location shooting & scenery are stellar and give the production a touch of class sometimes lacking in Action films (yes, folks…Jackie’s really freezing in the Russian tundra!). And it’s always nice to see Bill Tung pop up in a Chan flick, even if he doesn’t have much more to do than sit at a desk & talk on the phone. Um…Annie Wu is pretty hot. And I got to hear the classic Police Story theme, which was worth seeing the HK version for that alone. Ok, so the “cohesive work” is really a warmed over James Bond script & you’ve seen it 100x before. But, it’s Jackie being Jackie and that works, dammit! As usual, his engaging personality shows through & he isn’t afraid to show ass (a figurative term for being the butt of the joke…and literally too, during an admittedly amusing scene). The comedy is broad as ever, ranging from gags involving koalas & poisonous sea creatures to Jackie trying to navigate on stilts. Every conceivable Action piece is thrown into the soup & that’s the meat of it, with everything from a crazy snowmobile chase to Jackie battling a group of guys with a ladder as his main weapon. You don’t watch for the story; you watch to see Chan make the impossible possible and to walk on water (and both of those happen, too!).

Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- Former pro wrestler Nathan Jones plays the bald hitman that chases Jackie through the apartment.
- Oliver Muirhead is listed as Australian Group #10. You may remember Muirhead as Mr. Blithers, the boss at the MVA on that one episode of Married…with Children where Al Bundy has to get his license renewed & has a disgruntled Bud as his instructor. I’ve watched too much TV over my lifetime. Muirhead has been in plenty of other films & TV shows, usually playing snooty butlers.

Body Count/Violence: 34. This is a fair clip for a Jackie Chan film, though the majority is gunned down during the opening mountainside shootout (and ensuing chase) & the Uncle 7 funeral scene. The rest are either stabbed or become fodder for hungry sharks (Annie works at an aquarium. Sharks are there. Jaws-like music will be played & baddies will be eaten). There’s more stuntwork here than there is fighting but the warehouse fight where Jackie uses the ladder is a showstopper for sure.

Sexuality/Nudity: Wu is in a skimpy bikini or two but Jackie doesn’t even have the time to be a playful cad in this one.

Language/Dialogue: One “bastard” and a few other slight obscenities.

How bad was it?:
There’s not much to go by for the HK version but the critical response in America was mixed. Many scribes pointed out the “James Bond” similarities but usually just went with the flow & watched Jackie do what he does best. This was still during (though near the tail end of) his Rumble in the Bronx grace period in the States where the man could do absolutely no wrong.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Police Story 4: First Strike debuted in Hong Kong on 2/10/96 and became the highest grossing Chan film in HK cinema history. The Golden Harvest produced vehicle stayed in HK theaters for almost 2 months & raked in $57.5 million HK. New Line Cinema distributed it in the States in an 88 minute version (different opening credits, cut scenes, dubbed dialogue, etc.) on 1/10/97. It finished 6th in its opening weekend & didn’t exhibit the same staying power that RitB did, finally grossing $15.3 million. No budget figures were made public.

Film: ***/*****
Entertainment value: ****1/2/*****

Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.

Instant Justice

2008-11-24T21:58:00.000-08:00

The Action Mutant…
doesn’t think this movie was sponsored by Carnation.

Instant Justice

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
Here we are with another piece in the filmography of Michael Paré (who, for some reason when I see him, the phrase “beef witted, apple-john” comes to mind. Thank you, Darrell Hammond/Sean Connery). I’m sure it’s funny to muse that the guy was most likely on the verge of stardom after doing Eddie and the Cruisers (which became a cult favorite on cable & video, after a so-so theater run), only to see him delve further into direct-to-video dreck once he hit the 90s & beyond. Then again, he lives in Amsterdam when he’s not making films. You know…the pot capital of the free world. So, while your blogging about his wooden performances & the fact he’s been in both Bloodrayne flicks (Uwe Boll strikes!), remember that he’s probably rolling up a nice one with that money & doesn’t give a shit about being in a Uwe Boll pic. And even if he does care, the pot probably takes some of the edge off.

The Plot, as it was:
Paré stars as Scott Youngblood, a Marine Sergeant that learns that his sister Kim (Lynda Bridges) died in Spain. He soon comes to realize that she was a callgirl for an influential mobster named Silke (Eddie Avoth) & that she was murdered when she realized she was in over her head. Getting no help from a crooked police force, Youngblood teams up with slightly crippled photographer Jake (Peter Crook) & feisty callgirl Virginia (Tawny Kitaen and her insane, 80s hair) to try to avenge his sister’s death…even if it means rebuffing a lucrative promotion. Seriously though, her hair is friggin’ huge. We’re talking football helmet here!

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
True, the Justice in Instant Justice is far from instant, as the movie runs for 101 minutes. However, without that running time, how could it be considered amongst the pantheon of “Big, Dumb & Loud” Action pics of the 80s? In that respect, it certainly fits the second part of that category to a tee. Writer/Director Craig T. Rumar (to whom this film is his only credit) puts together a stock revenge story without a non-cliché bone in its body, starting with Paré as the brawny Action hero. The man can’t put forth a competent emotion, even when he’s only required to yell at people (which he does a lot of). However, that made for about half of the requirements for an 80s Action star (the other: smart ass one liners & lots of them) so he hardly suffers any long lasting damage. Crook provides the sole standout performance as he adds some (intentional) humor as the sidekick & old pro Charles Napier adds some well-needed credibility as a head military officer (he should; he seemingly can play these military guys in his sleep). I wouldn’t know anything about Kitaen’s part, since her hair distracted me every time she showed up. It looked like a muskrat died atop her head and grew a mullet. Add to that shoulder pads that would give Lawrence Taylor envy & you have two of the many laughable elements that keep this from being boring at least. I would have thought Youngblood outrunning a speeding car or Jake being fairly agile for a dude with a cane would have done me in but even those elements can’t compare to the relationship between Youngblood & Virginia. You know the type by now: at each others throats one minute, caressing in the shower the next without much of a transitioning point. It’s been done before (and better) but Instant Justice provides some brain-dead, good fun for anyone with the right amount of tolerance (or alcohol) for cheesy 80s Action. No, really…I’m surprised her hair didn’t jump off of her head and attack people!

Body Count/Violence: 9. Considering the era, the number is pretty disappointing & the carnage isn’t nearly sufficient enough for a revenge tome. That said, there’s the required shooting, barroom brawling, car crashing, explosions, window crashing, frying pan fu (a la Joe Bob Briggs), glass bottle weaponry, etc. The best death would have to be Youngblood running a mobster (on the hood of a Trans-Am the hero heisted) back first into the front propeller of a bi-plane & leaving a nice, splattered blood spot on the hood.

Sexuality/Nudity: Bridges shows partial nipple in her scene & Tessa Hewitt provides the film’s gratuitous nudity fix, showing every bit of T&A in a photo shoot scene. Kitaen doesn’t get naked in the aforementioned shower scene but I doubt I could have focused on her goods anyway. Really, her hair should have been doing the cartwheels in the “Here I Go Again” video.

Language/Dialogue: A few F-bombs here and there, along with milder obscenities.

How bad was it?:
Not much in the way of reviews but viewer feedback has it as pretty bad & maybe slightly below the standards of the time. And they were just as distracted by Tawny’s hair as I was.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Despite the somewhat name leads, Warner Bros. & Mulloway Limited distributed Instant Justice straight to VHS in America in January of 1987. According to this helpful article, IJ was marketed with Top Gun-style graphics & its star at the forefront. It apparently worked, as the flick went on to sell over 40,000 copies (an impressive number for a direct-to-video release). It has not found a DVD release as of yet so VHS (as low as 75 cents on Amazon, bitches!) is the only way to go for now.

Film: *1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ***1/2/*****

Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.

On Deadly Ground

2008-11-04T20:47:00.000-08:00

The Action Mutant…
would like to warn you about the dangers…of Vaporlock!

On Deadly Ground

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
Of all of those general questions that spread through any realm of competition, the one that is always the most intriguing is “Where did it all go wrong?” This can be attributed to almost anyone involved in a competitive field but many pundits like to apply the question to certain dynasties. We all like to offer our own opinions on when a certain person or franchise “jumped the shark”, so to speak. Last year’s New England Patriots…Guns ‘n Roses…Mike Tyson; everyone has their takes on where these dominant forces failed. Some are more opinionated (me, I think the Patriots thought the game was a forgone conclusion & upon hearing everyone on ESPN and their mother proclaim the Pats the leaders of the free world, the Giants went out and played the game of a lifetime) and others seem pretty obvious (Axl’s a nutbag perfectionist that seemingly alienates everyone within five feet of him and Tyson’s a combination of too much success coming to a person with a street upbringing & lack of mental faculties). For Steven Seagal, the moment is fairly easy to point out. Warner Brothers wanted the big man to reprise his role of super soldier/cook Casey Ryback for the upcoming sequel to Seagal’s hit Under Siege (the film is Seagal’s biggest starring gross to date, at $83.6 million). Seagal agreed…as long as he got to direct his own effort down the line. Something about fighting a mystical bear, the environment, big oil, etc. I’m sure he had them at “mystical bear”. The WB folk agreed to let Seagal helm his own project…hence, On Deadly Ground. And you thought Patton Oswalt’s mind was boggled by Death Bed: The Bed That Eats (PEOPLE!).

The Plot, as it was:
Seagal portrays Forrest Taft (judging by Seagal’s impending girth, Taft was a descendant of twenty-seventh American President William Howard Taft), a troubleshooter for the Aegis Oil company who finds out some rather unsavory things about his employers. Apparently, his boss Jennings (Michael Caine…really?) knowingly has faulty equipment in his soon-to-be-operating AEGIS-1 oil rig, which will cause a catastrophic oil spill once it malfunctions. Taft’s curmudgeon co-worker Palmer (Richard Hamilton) knows of the company’s secrets…and is soon brutally dispatched by Jennings’ personal killer MacGruder (John C. McGinley). However, Palmer manages to copy the info to a disc before his demise so Taft gets his hands on it (despite the fact the disc doesn’t figure into the story again…trust me, it gets worse). Instead of going to the authorities with the data (remember, EVERYONE’S corrupt, so that option’s out), Taft goes the logical route: he nearly gets killed by Aegis henchmen, discovered by Indians (one of them being Joan Chen, who must be hated by her agent beyond all reproach), goes on a spiritual quest & decides the best cause for action is to murder the baddies & blow the damn oil rig all to shit. If your cranium isn’t spewing blood form your ears at this point, consider yourself one of the lucky ones.

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Even though 1994’s Pulp Fiction was arguably the film that killed the collective Action star, On Deadly Ground did more than enough damage to Steven Seagal’s career on its own. It’s really nothing more than a $50 million egofuck that masquerades as a message pic, as Seagal’s good intentions are muddled in a morass of shitty plotting & a high quota of stuff going boom. These things are the norm in a mediocre Seagal movie but here they end up taking away from the all important “message”. To wit:
* Taft decides he’s going to blow up the oil rig but in such a way that oil won’t spill into the ocean. That’s all well and good but what about the burning oil fumes? I’m sure that adds to air pollution, genius. I could see if the rig was encased in a bubble-like fortress, keeping the fumes boxed in until the air could be purified but…C-MON!

* Forrest’s file gets pulled up to reveal his shady government agency past (not this again!) & that's apparently news to Jennings as his men are on their way to kill Taft. These men have never heard of background checks BEFORE they hire people?

* Apparently, as long as it’s in the name of saving the environment, it’s ok to murder 30+ people who most likely are not all mercenaries and have not been told why exactly a 6 ft., pony-tailed madman is snapping their clavicles & blowing shit up.

I could bring up numerous more instances of vanity & hypocrisy (and downright idiocy) but I’d be sitting here until frost formed on my testacles (seemingly because I wouldn’t be able to turn the heater on because I would be too busy typing said instances). Some people are skilled enough craftsmen to blend Actioner & message pic into one whole but Seagal isn’t one of them. The big guy uses a sledgehammer to pound his points home (witness his climactic, post rampage speech, which was edited from an astounding 11 minutes to about 3 in the final cut!), all while ignoring the fact that the rampant mayhem blunts any attempt at taking him seriously. If that’s not enough, the portions involving Seagal & the Indian tribe are hilarious in how the symbolism just becomes downright insulting (just add smoke, mirrors, mystical talk & big tittied Indian women). Caine can chalk this up as his most embarrassing role in his career, left to do nothing more than curse & chew heavy scenery (and have oil slicks in his hair fluctuate in color from scene to scene). If there’s anything good about this swill it’s that there is some snappily read lines from R. Lee Ermey (the tiresome “Who we’re dealing with” speech, which does at least sound fresh coming from Sgt. Hartman) & a chunkier, younger Billy Bob Thornton (“I wanna feel solid.”). And fans of Seagal will get their fix of their hero taking out extras with his bare hands, all whilst looking at some choice cinematography from Seagal film vet Ric Waite. However, fans will also have to fight through much nauseating preaching & spiritual doubletalk to see that stuff. There are plenty of Seagal flicks to see without that stuff getting in the way.

Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- The venerable Sven-Ole Thorsen makes his latest appearance here, as henchman Otto.
- Director Irvin Kershner (Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, Never Say Never Again) is the director of the TV spot Jennings is in.
- Bart the Bear (The Edge) is the bear that Seagal fights in his dream sequence. His hometown listed on IMDB is Baltimore, Maryland. Hey, hometown bear! I’d say he’s on par in hometown celebrity with Mel Kiper Jr.

Body Count/Violence: 38. Those critics grilling the makers of Pulp Fiction & Natural Born Killers over its violent content apparently skipped this bloodying the same year. Seagal brings his message to the masses via shooting, knife through the head, snapped wrists & limbs, gratuitous weaponry, kicks to the balls (watch out for that overdubbing!), explosions, car crashes, impaling via explosives & tree branches, torching, oil drowning, helicopter blade mutilation, etc. The barfight scene, which concludes in Forrest pounding remorse into a bullish barfly (Mike Starr) via the “hand slap” game, is arguably the most laughable scene in the film (as well as being instrumental in making Seagal look more like a douche). However, it doesn’t begin to touch the sadism of the scene where Palmer is murdered. Apparently, Steve felt that scene involving an old man having his fingers bashed with an ivory club & being cut into with a pipe cutter would make his cause seem more sympathetic. Well, he got it partly right.

Sexuality/Nudity: The dream sequence involves a dancing, topless Indian woman & several, fuller figured, topless Indian women. I’m sure Seagal was perusing a National Geographic before coming up with this.

Language/Dialogue: Fairly strong, as not many villains swear with the conviction of a pissed off Michael Caine.

How bad was it?:
Out of the 30+ films in Seagal’s storied career, this and The Foreigner have the great distinction of scoring a big, fat 0% on rottentomatoes.com. Critics chided the uneasy juxtaposition of Seagal’s bone crushing violence & heavy handed preaching, as well as Caine’s campy performance & obvious comparisons of the film to Tom Laughlin's Billy Jack series. Some critics say this is his worst film ever, while some have saved that award for any one of his DtoDVD features. Speaking of awards, Seagal nabbed a Razzie in 1995 for Worst Director (while the flick was nominated for five other Razzies). One of the few positives cited is Billy Bob’s brief role as mercenary Homer Carlton, which is pure redneck BBT at its finest.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Despite its status as a hopeless debacle, ODG did keep one Seagal tradition going: opening up #1 at the box office. Debuting on 2/18/94, it was the fifth Seagal flick in a row (starting with 1990’s Hard to Kill) to open at the top spot with a gross of $12.7 million. It actually took audiences a while to catch on to its badness, as it fell out of the top 10 nearly a month afterwards. When it sank, it sank fast as it went from 6th on the March 11th weekend to 11th & 17th the next successive weekends. It ended its run with a gross of $38.6 million and became the first Seagal vehicle to not turn a profit in America. Since ODG, only two Seagal films (Fire Down Below & Exit Wounds) have opened at #1 and Half Past Dead was his last film to be seen in theaters (released 11/15/02). As Homer Simpson once put it: “The moral of the story is…never try.”

Film: */*****
Entertainment value: ***/*****

Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.

Death Race (2008)

2008-10-29T21:49:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
only imagines if Vince McMahon had the PPV numbers the “Death Race” gets!

Death Race

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
So, Death Race is the 2008 remake/re-imagining of the 1975 cult classic Death Race 2000, which (in turn) was inspired by that same year’s Rollerball. Oddly enough, that film was (poorly) remade in 2002; a rare misfire by Die Hard auteur John McTiernan. It also probably didn’t help that the movie was re-edited from an R to PG-13 in order for “broader audience appeal” (and yet, one of the things cut was a nude scene by Rebecca Romijin-Stamos. Go figure, I guess). It was so bad that LL Cool J stated the film sucked when he was on Late Night with Conan O’Brien many years later. Of course, the high point in the flick for me was pro wrestling guru Paul Heyman’s bellowing “It’s time to play…RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLERBALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!” I’m sure I’ll review the latter version of Rollerball one day…you know if I get really plastered or lose a bet or something.

The point: Needless remakes prompt equally needless banter about them.

The Plot, as it was:
Jason Statham plays Jensen Ames, a man framed for the murder of his wife & sent to Terminal Island Prison. While there, he is given an interesting proposition by ice queen warden Hennessey (Joan Allen) that is just slightly better than the propositions you usually get in prisons! The main income for the prison (and the corporations that run the country’s prisons, since the economy has fallen on hard times) is the “Death Race”, the most popular sport in the world. Hosting the race for broadcast via internet paysite, Hennessey has run into a snag as Frankenstein, the Race’s hero (with cameo voice work by David Carradine), was killed during his most recent run-in with “Machine Gun” Joe Mason (Tyrese Gibson). Hennessey convinces Ames to don the Frankenstein garb by stating he might win his freedom if he wins the upcoming Race. Aided by sexy navigator Case (Natalie Martinez) & a pit crew led by the hard bitten Coach (Ian McShane of Deadwood fame), Ames must survive a race that is controlled by Hennessey’s whims and motives, which can change by the second.

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Despite my rant above, Death Race is not the unmitigated disaster one might have thought it would be. If it has anything at all going for it, it is that it was penned & directed by Sci-Fi/Horror genre favorite Paul W.S. Anderson (the Resident Evil trilogy, Event Horizon), who has proven that he can do blood, guts & atmosphere with the best of them. However, if one is expecting an inkling of the satiric edge that accompanied Death Race 2000…well, it’s just not going to be there. In fact, aside from the use of a few character names & the basic concept of the race being a “death sport”, Death Race is not at all like its predecessor. Whereas the mayhem was put against the backdrop of DR2K, mayhem is all Death Race has to rest against. The story is fairly thin and that means there is a lot of blood to try to compensate for it. It all looks stylish & grim, as per usual from P.W.S.A so if you’re just looking for a loud, brutal good time, the movie satisfies on that front. Statham gives his obligatory Eastwood-by-English Bob, tough guy performance & Allen does as much as she can with the worn, “authoritative villain” routine. McShane is one of the few beacons of light here, reveling in being the hard, old salt (though that means slightly less swears than he would encompass as Al Swearengen). The angle that is taken with Gibson’s MGJ Mason (he’s gay & prisoners fight for the right to be his navigator, though most of them end up dead) is the most interesting thing about his character, as there’s not much else to it. Everyone else just drives their supped-up vehicles & looks tough right through to the finale, which includes one of those instances where a villain turns into a good guy in order to move the story along, despite everything the villain was about going against such a turn. Slap on the requisite “happy ending” & that’s exactly what encapsulates Death Race as a whole; though it doesn’t intend to reinvent the wheel, one would expect some attempts at something inspired. Ok, the hyping of the races amused me because it was straight out of a wrestling/MMA ad but that was about it.

Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- Though he’s technically not in the film, horror cinema critic John Fallon (aka "The Arrow") is credited as a Neo Nazi (his scene was left on the cutting room floor).

Body Count/Violence: 28. The amount of time spent on cultivating the video game-like violence in Death Race must have been 10x longer than time spent on anything else. Along with the loads of bullets fired and cars crashing left & right, there’s impaling, car and body crushing, decapitation, neck snapping, gutting, explosions, beatings, torching, stabbing, razor cutting, etc. Things are quite bloody & brutal but edited at a quick pace so stuff isn’t lingered upon much.

Sexuality/Nudity: Male ass in the shower. There’s a scene where all of the female navigators emerge from a bus, looking all hot & sexy and we get…male ass in the shower.

Language/Dialogue: Strong at times, with Allen getting the line of the film: “Ok, cocksucker. Fuck with me, and we'll see who shits on the sidewalk!” Apparently, your degree of freedom is determined by being able to defecate onto the street. I was not aware of this.

How bad was it?:
As critically maligned as DR2K was, it at least has cult classic status going for it. Not many free passes going about for this one, even from genre fans. Ebert lambasted this as much as the previous one, stating that this one was so much like a video game that he was wondering when the movie was going to start. Ouch!

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Like one of its spectacular crashes, Death Race flamed out before it got a chance to regain itself. Universal released the $45 million speedster on 8/22/08 and only racked up $12.6 million for a 3rd place finish (behind Tropic Thunder & The House Bunny). Well, at least it beat The Dark Knight…though it was in its 6th week in theaters. It stayed steady in the top 15 for about a month before it sank out of sight. Earning $36.1 million in the states to date (plus $23.4 million overseas), it was last in the top 100 at #41 on 10/10/08. I don’t expect any miracles but there’s always DVD.

Film: **1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ***1/2/*****

Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.

Death Race 2000

2008-10-23T21:33:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
swears Crack was stronger in the 1970s (and this film is proof!).

Death Race 2000

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
Roger Corman is like any other movie producer. He breathes, he talks and he puts his pants on one leg at a time…only, once his pants are on, he makes hit movies. And not just any hit movies…movies that have budgets that equal the amount of money Michael Bay can go through in a half a day! Corman’s greatest claim to fame is that he made the original Little Shop of Horrors in 2 ½ days, a record that no one will seemingly get close to breaking in this day & age. He’s also known for taking the popular films of the day and crafting a smaller scale, lower funded (though not always a “rip-off”) knockoff & turn them into profitable projects. With Bonnie & Clyde, there came Bloody Mama, Boxcar Bertha & Big Bad Mama (but not Big Bad Bloody Boxcar). With Jaws, there came Piranha. With Star Wars, there came Battle Beyond the Stars. With Jurassic Park, there came Carnosaur. And with Rollerball, there came Death Race 2000. And everyone was wearing gold plated diapers in the end. Although they were probably spray painted gold to keep with the budget.

The Plot, as it was:
David Carradine stars as Frankenstein, the leather clad hero of a futuristic, dystopian America’s favorite sport…the Transcontinental Road Race (aka “the Death Race”)! A tradition instilled by “Mr. President” (residing at his summer palace in Peking), the cross country Race can be won not only by crossing the finish line first but by mowing down pedestrians & gathering points for each corpse! Dubbed as such because his body has been rebuilt after each year’s brutal race, Frankenstein joins other colorful racers such as Nero the Hero (Martin Kove), Matilda the Hun (Roberta Collins), Calamity Jane (Mary Woronov)…and a loudmouth gangster named “Machine Gun” Joe Viterbo (Sylvester Stallone!). However, a group of rebels (led by Thomasina Paine...har har) that is against “Mr. President’s” policies threatens to quash the Race for good as rebel spy Annie Smith (Simone Griffeth) also happens to be Frankenstein’s navigator. Well, if worse comes to worse, blame the French!

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
If Death Race 2000 was a child, it would resemble Bart Simpson. He would be lighting cherry bombs in the bathroom, all while sporting a sly, devilish grin & cracking satirical humor. Add to that a definite air of oddness & gallows humor (all about the “Euthanasia Day” scene) and you have a one-of-a-kind cult classic. All this movie challenges you to do is to look on with pure anarchic glee & have somewhat of a strong constitution. The flick manages to balance a number of goofy touches with material that would be downright ugly in the wrong hands. Though there’s nothing you’d call award winning as far as the acting’s concerned, the performances are appropriately overplayed (or underplayed, depending on the situation) for maximum effect. Carradine admits this is the one that made his film career & he rode the film’s wave of weirdness into his future endeavors. Here, he deadpans Frankenstein to great comic effect at times & comes off as a great contrast to Stallone’s Viterbo. Sly hams it up notoriously here but it’s totally within the character & he does have his fair share of one liners (see below). The hilarity doesn’t stop at the two “name” actors, as “The Real” Don Steele’s annoying (yet appropriately so) play-by-play announcer act is all peaches & Carle Bensen does a mean Howard Cosell back when that impersonation was timely and fresh (lets not forget Joyce Jameson as gossip reporter Grace Pander…a dear friend of mine). The women (namely Woronov) bring enough sass to otherwise thankless roles & pull off lines like “Whoever named your car the Bull... was only half right!” with impunity. The script by Robert Thom & Charles B. Griffith contains many crazy anachronisms (Matilda the Hun…really?) and cheeky satiric jabs (the word “sabotage” is derived from French, you know!) that put it past people’s expectations of just being all about mayhem. Best of all, director Paul Bartel oversees a pretty competent, highly entertaining product, despite the obvious budgetary constraints (dig the crazy car designs). It may not be high art, but DR2K is great fun for the troublemaker in all of us.

Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- Paul Bartel is the doctor that introduces Frankenstein.
- Director John Landis (Trading Places, Innocent Blood) is one of the mechanics.
- Lewis Teague (director of…ooooooooooohhh, Navy Seals!) is the Toreador.

Body Count/Violence: 33. Despite the crude production values, DR2K delivers on the carnage front in more than satisfying fashion. There’s plenty of blood (though a lot of it is of the “red paint” variety the 70s was known for) brought on by plenty of drive-by hits, with some of the results being impaling (by MG Joe’s hunting knife…which is mounted onto the hood of his car!), limb ripping, head crushing & tire peeling on one’s body! We also get some fighting, plenty of explosions, car crashing, shooting & more. And a “hand grenade”. No, really.

Sexuality/Nudity: It’s the 1970s, when exploitation was king…of course there’s nudity! Griffeth bares her chest twice in as many bedroom scenes, as well as Collins, Woronov & Louise Moritz (Myra) showing their chests in a rubdown scene (no, they don’t rubdown each other). Carradine is in his underwear on more than one occasion, if that makes the ladies happy.

Language/Dialogue: Just some mild expletives. Gotta love Sly’s classic retort: “I got two words to say to that... BULL…SHIT!”

How bad was it?:
Most critics look at this with great reminiscence & basically look past its faults. Ebert gave it zero stars when it first came out but his review sounds more like a decree against theaters letting little kids into R rated movies (and them enjoying the violence) than anything about the film in general.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Filmed in various California locations in the fall of 1974, Death Race 2000 was produced & released by Corman’s New World Pictures on 4/27/75 for a paltry $300,000 (did you expect millions? It’s Roger Corman, people!). Though no gross has ever been made known, it’s been around long enough to ensure that profit was pretty substantial. It is available on DVD through several small video companies, Corman’s New Horizons Home Video & even Disney!

Film: ***/*****
Entertainment value: *****/*****

Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.

Righteous Kill

2008-10-13T22:40:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
believes the Nazis might be…RIGHT BEHIND THIS WALL! HOO-AHH!!!

Righteous Kill

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
DeNiro and Pacino. A time not too long ago, their upcoming roles were looked at as cinematic events upon themselves. Now, they’re on the short list of Frank Caliendo’s five best impersonations. As funny as those impersonations are (Pacino, particularly), its still a bit disheartening considering both are supposedly “the greatest actors of our generation”, to use a cliché. Many say the cracks started to show after Pacino belted his first “HOO-AHH!” or when DeNiro played the most unlikely Frankenstein ever (yes, even more unlikely than Peter Boyle). The last 10-15 years have seen both in high profile variations on the same act: Pacino screaming & bugged eyed and beyond reproach; DeNiro playing the same, Bickle-esque mook/psychopath. Sure, its still amusing at times & the two still branch out from time to time (Looking for Richard for Al, Wag the Dog for Bobby) but those were little seen tomes in their careers. The little time capsule that every film fanatic seems to hold on to is the pair’s six minute scene they share in Michael Mann’s epic Heat. I’m sure that every armchair director had to be thinking to themselves since the first time they saw that scene, “I wonder what a film would be like where they were together the whole movie!” Well, guess what? After seeing Righteous Kill, you won’t have to. And that’s a shame.

The Plot, as it was:
Al and Bobby play Rooster & Turk (and there is a reason for that), two veteran detectives of the NYPD that are your typical odd couple. Rooster’s the laconic type that watches the chips fall where they may, while Turk is the slightly bent, right all wrongs hardass that doesn’t go by the book. The duo is on the trail of a serial killer that seems to be offing people that both have busted over the years, only to see those people go free on a technicality. Everything seems par for the course until the possibility is brought up that it could be a cop doing the killing. All signs point to a “Turk”ey shoot but it can’t be that obvious, right? Right…?

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
I wish I could say Righteous Kill is just merely bad. I wish I could say that both leads break into their usual histrionics & take the viewer on an over the top show. It would be a lot easier than explaining the real reasons why RK fails to hit the mark. The main problem is everything is…just there. If not for the stature of the film’s leads, Kill could pass as a direct-to-DVD or TV movie, only with saltier language. Director Jon Avnet (88 Minutes, which was Pacino’s last vehicle) and writer Russell Gerwitz (Inside Man) infuse no life into well tread territory (aside from the obligatory, opening credit montage), as some better craftsmen would have at least made it seem somewhat fresh. Of course, they had two very capable leads to pick up the slack and…well, they were just there, too! DeNiro only wakes up every now and again, namely when the script calls for him to be angry. He approaches the old pro standard of “hitting the marks” but that’s about it, as he hardly does anything memorable. Pacino’s “crazy man” act only really shows up in the final third & even then, it seemed stunted. Any instances of resonance that the two add to their characters are few & far between. The scenes in which the two are together work well but the dynamic can only do so much. The story does no favors for the supporting cast, as serviceable work by Carla Gugino, John Leguizamo, Donnie Wahlberg, Brian Dennehy and even Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson, is totally wasted at every turn. The much criticized twist ending is decent at best but would have probably gone over better if it weren’t just trailed by 85 minutes of mediocrity. If Heat had never existed, Righteous Kill might have come off even better than it really is but probably not by much.

Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- Ajay Naidu (Samir in Office Space) is Dr. Chadrabar.

Body Count/Violence: 13. Being a standard cop thriller, this has standard cop thriller violence. Some bloody gunshots and after-the-fact corpses are the norm here, as well as a beating. One particular kill is punctuated by a very obvious dummy being tossed through a window.

Sexuality/Nudity: Sex and S&M fun is implied but not shown. Gugino is shown in her bra & Trilby Glover has her clothes torn at but that’s it. A male corpse’s bare backside is show at a crime scene, if you’re into that sort of deal.

Language/Dialogue: About one thing that can be agreed upon is that both DeNiro & Pacino are involved, vulgarities will be prevalent. Plenty of F-word usage abounds, along with other choice words (Needle Dick?).

How bad was it?:
A Pacino film hasn’t been this universally panned since…well, 88 Minutes! Seriously, the reviews could be used in conjunction with McDonalds’ next promotion. “Find a positive review of Righteous Kill on your next Value Meal and win a free cookie!” Hey, it can’t be a million bucks because the odds would at least be 1 in 75. Regardless, **1/2 is about as glowing as a review can get for this flick.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Overture Films & Millennium Films released the $60 million Righteous Kill on 9/12/08 (a year after principle photography finished) and saw it thud in a typically abysmal, post-Summer weekend in 3rd place with $16.3 million. It dropped out of the top 10 by the end of the month and is currently standing at $38.8 million (with an equally blah $2.9 million overseas gross tacked on, for a total of $41.7 million). This performance, despite mounds of hype ads proclaiming the teaming of the two leads for the first time in thirteen years. Although one can’t blame the studio for shamelessly plugging that angle for all its worth, did they really need to use The Rolling Stones’ “Sympathy for the Devil” during the early TV ads that were put out? C-mon, don’t give the audience’s hopes up by having them wax nostalgic for Scorsese. Some cinematic crimes SHOULD be punishable by law!

Film: **/*****
Entertainment value: ***/*****

Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.

Return of the Kung Fu Dragon

2008-10-11T23:47:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
just found out what “Superman” means…and he’ll leave it at that.

Return of the Kung Fu Dragon

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
Seriously, I can’t follow the whole “Superman” thing. If you are unknowing about the “Superman” phenomenon (i.e. if you’re Caucasian), you might want to keep from Googling it. At least this won’t be one internet craze the people at Family Guy will jump on.

The Plot, as it was:
An evil ruler (Tsai Hung) and his army conquer the Kingdom of Phoenix Island, slaughtering the island’s three main warriors in the process. The offspring of the three deceased (Polly Kuan, Cheung Lik & Li Chung-Chien) are hidden away & are allowed to find each other nineteen years later. They team up then to gain revenge and take their land back, as lots of sorcery & swordplay follows.

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
The worst thing about Return of the Kung Fu Dragon is not the fact that its title has nothing to do with the film (c-mon, a guy in a stuffed dragon suit emerging from the sea & doing kung fu? Money, baby!). There’s trenchant dubbing, worse editing and the martial arts is not exactly on the level of Yuen Woo-Ping (or a hung over Yuen Woo-Ping…with one arm & a limp). Funny thing is none of those matters, for at merely 83 minutes, RotKFD rolls with all of those horrible, schlock trappings & makes for a fun time killer. A few bizarre touches are worth the mention, such as the running joke involving the evil ruler being constantly subdued by having his Pai Mei style beard always tied into objects, a la shoestrings. Or the Bjork-looking midget (Hsiao Wang) that I swore was an old woman at first & had me confused right up to his (her?) last scene. Fortunately, there was no Crying Game theatrics here. Speaking of theatrics, there are enough elaborate (yet cheap) sets & insanely gaudy costumes to go along with the operatic grandeur the flick builds up. It’s total costume melodrama, with over the top death scenes & corny dialogue galore and enough unnecessary plot twists thrown to show that the effort is there. And the costumes…good gravy, the costumes! One of the male heroes dresses like a centurion you would find in a Vegas casino, a bad guy has a big red bow in his hair & the Bjork midget looks like an Indian that wandered off of the Bonanza set! Everything is thrown into the cauldron for this one (dig the magic mirror & the burning gravel!), which means there are enough crudely imaginative elements to make Return of the Kung Fu Dragon strangely viewable at best. That is, if you’re a hardcore Fu junkie. If you’re a normal person, you might take a pass on it.

Body Count/Violence: 42. Lots of fighting & sword slashing in this one, with it getting bloody only every so often. Plus, there’s neck breaking, stabbing, flesh melting (though not graphic…more like flesh disappearing), hot pebble flinging (!) and more. One of the heroes does an honest-to-God, white man’s rana on a bad guy, which brought a warm smile to my face.

Sexuality/Nudity: None, though I dug Polly Kuan’s (Ma Chen Chen) conflicting time period costuming. Loved the green & white striped knee highs and the gold showgirl outfit!

Language/Dialogue: A few “bastards” and a really slurred “bitch”.

How bad was it?:
Very few reviews from critics on this one…and none that is all too positive. The IMDB feedback was very mixed for what little of it there was, though all of it mentioned the overall cheapness of the production.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Though there is no studio listed, I assume one produced Return of the Kung Fu Dragon. One in Taiwan, which is where this was supposedly made. No budget/box office numbers are available and it is only available on DVD through a Martial Arts box set that includes the first two Street Fighter films & Fighting Mad.

Film: *1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ***1/2/*****

Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.

Day of the Wolves

2008-10-09T20:27:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
says “Goodnight, Mr. Walters!” (grumble).

Day of the Wolves

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:

"You can only put away so much stuff in your closet". – Paul Newman.

Just gonna say a few quick, belated words about the recently deceased Paul Newman. By all counts, the guy fucking ruled it on screen. Cool Hand Luke is one of my favorite movies of all time; true proof that they don’t make films like that anymore. On the day after his death, I walk into the local FYE and they’re playing Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid. I just catch the infamous “cliff jumping” scene as I walk in and it instantly puts a smile on my face. There aren’t many scenes in film that can manage to be both hilariously twisted & heartwarming at the same time and that’s one of them. The thing I was most impressed with as I was reading up on him (other than being nominated for an Oscar ten times & winning once, for The Color of Money) was his philanthropic side. His “Newman’s Own” sauce company has raked in over $175 million in profits, which were all donated to charities. That’s pretty much a big middle finger to any celebrity that claims they’re charitable after donating a few thou with plenty of cameras around. Can you imagine the difference that would be made in third-world countries if every actor, athlete, millionaire, CEO, musician (Bono) & so called musician (Diddy) that could afford to give up $1 million for charity…would actually do it? This just reiterates my point that all of the great actor/celebrities are dying & there are very few that are worthy to move into place. I said it when Bronson died and I’ll say it now. Paul Newman had balls because he was an Actor’s actor & didn’t need to be surrounded by paparazzo or fall off the wagon like a spectacular, red haired, Herpes laden auto crash/turned Lesbo-cum political pundit (seriously, does anyone give two shits what Linds thinks about John McCain, a person she most likely heard of twenty minutes before having her publicist blog about him?) to gain attention. Face it, (as this film ends up proving) clowns is the real evil in humanity. Don’t believe me? Look at what’s been residing in the White House for the past eight years!

The Plot, as it was:
Jan Murray (History of the World: Part I) plays a bearded criminal mastermind that has seemingly concocted the perfect crime. He has enlisted six ex-cons (all bearded, as well being completely unaware of each other’s backgrounds) to train for the crime: the heisting of the small town of Wellerton! Designating each by number, the leader (No.1, natch) figures that by catching the sleepy town unaware, the gang will knock off the town’s banks & businesses without much trouble (as well as pocket about $50,000 a piece). Meanwhile, the town council just booted Pete Anderson (Richard Egan) from his spot as Sheriff after he busted one of the council member’s kids for reckless driving. Think they’ll have him on speed dial, just in case? Uh-oh!

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Despite sounding like a low rent, Canadian-wilderness adventure, Day of the Wolves is really a very low rent heist picture that is moderately better than that description suggests. Its concept makes it slightly more cerebral & ingratiating than one would expect and that’s the draw here, despite the fact that it’s very uniform in its storytelling & execution (no Reservoir Dogs style backtracking here). Most of it is very straightforward & is more about the buildup, as that takes up about 2/3 of the film’s running time and does a very fair (if unspectacular) job of getting the audience into the act. The cast of mainly amateur, unknown actors does well with the material, as the less melodramatic stuff does come off more like the grassroots filmmaking it is. Old pros Murray & Egan make the most of their roles and bring much needed credibility to the proceedings. Aside from the score by Sean Bonniwell (which is very guitar driven, very 70s & very kickass), the most memorable thing taken from DotW is its ending (Warning: other reviews of the film DO spoil the ending). While it’s not an earth shattering mindfuck of Sleepaway Camp proportions, it does put the previous 90 minutes into perspective & makes for a stellar conclusion (the last shot is priceless, IMO). At the end of the day, Day of the Wolves won’t break any hearts but it will provide a solidly told story & a decent fix for your crime genre gullet.

Body Count/Violence: 2. The low budget does stymie the mayhem somewhat, as the only two dead are done in by shotgun blasts. That particular shotgun battle in the town is actually pretty well done, considering the film’s production values (see below). There are some explosions & a beating or two thrown in but that’s about it. The flick is rated G but (as I’ve always thought) there is slight leeway in the film’s content.

Sexuality/Nudity: None.

Language/Dialogue: Very little. Maybe a “damn”, if that.

How bad was it?:
Most critics give DotW middling reviews & viewer feedback doesn’t go much higher than that. Most seem to agree that the twist at the end is the straw that stirs the drink.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Thought there are no box office receipts to back up if it was a success, Day of the Wolves is certainly an early example of Independent filmmaking. Shot on a shoestring cost of $187,000 in the spring of 1971, DotW was filmed with a non-union crew that was comprised of professional actors & some of the townspeople of Lake Havasu, Arizona. Filmed entirely on location, the film touts the fact that they used live ammo during the gun battle after encountering trouble with the guns firing blanks! That’s hardcore! Day of the Wolves saw a few theaters in 1973 (produced by Balut Productions & released by Goldkey Entertainment) & sank into public domain, as well as some DVD Western compilations. A documentary on the making of the film (Return to Lake Havasu: The Making of ‘Day of the Wolves’) was released in 2008.

Film: **1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ***1/2/*****

Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.

The Prodigal Son

2008-10-06T21:04:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
and Boom Goes the Dynamite!

The Prodigal Son

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
In looking through many writings, opinions and out-and-out drudgery, there’s one thing I notice when it comes to criticisms of Action films…there’s very little Yuen Biao love! Out of the famed “Three Brothers” that originated in Hong Kong, Biao is the one that is rarely ever praised or even heard of. Of course, Jackie Chan is praised, exalted, worshiped and over-praised to no end (many times, here in these very scribes). The same is true with Sammo, although to a lesser degree in America after the failure of Martial Law. But Yuen has always been the distant third when it comes to relevancy amongst the Three Brothers. In The Essential Jackie Chan Sourcebook, more than one time is it mentioned that Yuen is shuffled off into the background, while Sammo & Jackie (well, mostly Jackie) take center stage (either seemingly by design or by happenstance). Despite an incredible amount of athleticism that is near that or equal to his two contemporaries, Biao has never been able to grab the attention that Sammo or Jackie has had at one point or another. With that knowledge, I take this to you, dear reader: let today be known as Yuen Biao Love Day! Go onto your message boards, chat rooms, forums, places of work, eat & play and profess your Yuen Biao Love! This particular film I’m reviewing here will make that proclamation a lot easier to make, too! (Note: You can still profess your Sammo Hung & Jackie Chan Love, as well. In fact, declare one day Hung Love Day. You will get a giggle, even if it’s just from yourself.).

The Plot, as it was:
Yuen Biao stars as Leung Chang, the most unbeatable street fighter in Canton…at least, that’s what he’s lead to believe. Turns out his father has been paying people princely sums of money to take dives for his son so he doesn’t get hurt. A run in with an opera actor named Leung Yee Tai (Ching-Ying Lam) leaves Chang embarrassed & wanting the actor’s guidance as his teacher. Yee Tai continuously refuses, leaving Chang to seek training from Yee Tai’s bumbling brother Wong Wah Bo (Hung) instead. Meanwhile, Lord Ngai Fai (Frankie Chan) is looking to prove himself against the best fighter there is but is also protected because of his status. Through complicated circumstances, Ngai & Chang will fight each other for pride (and eventually, revenge).

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Even though Yuen Biao’s a pretty big element to the success of The Prodigal Son, there are a few other key ones that make it better than the usual kung fu collaboration. The multi-collaborative fight choreography of Biao, Hung, Lam, Billy Chan & Guy Lai is the main jewel, as the fights are steeped in the old school but still very fluid & impact filled. The sensibility may be steeped in the past but the fights are so crisply done that is shouldn’t scare away fans expecting all kinds of crazy mugging & insane falls (yes, kids…Jackie’s nowhere in sight…and that’s ok!). One of the film’s better aspects is its plotting & characterization, which are almost foreign words in a great deal of “chop socky” fare. The story is set up in such a way that the main characters’ motivations are ideal and not just simplistic “good v. evil” stuff. Both Chang & Ngai’s goals appeal to a wide audience and that leads to them not being classified as standard heroes or villains. It might be complicated stuff to those just looking for the fights but those looking for more meat in the frame work will be pleasantly surprised. Biao & Lam provide plenty of fun moments that are interspersed with the more serious overtones but when Hung shows up for his small role, the movie kind of grinds to a halt for a bit. The scenes featuring Hung on his own (while funny in their own right) take away from the flick’s momentum for a while & almost leave it in danger of becoming too goofy. However, the rails get righted in time for a stellar final fight, which helps put The Prodigal Son in classic company that is comparable to Hung’s earlier masterwork, Magnificent Butcher.

Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- James Tien, who was a regular in many Bruce Lee films (Fists of Fury, The Chinese Connection and Game of Death), is the street opponent for Lord Ngai.

Body Count/Violence: 16. The potent fights are the draw but there is enough blood & mayhem for The Prodigal Son to justify its R rating (as sometimes, the ratings for Martial Arts films are questionable at best). The crazy fight scenes, which include lots of heady falls & furniture breakage, are accompanied by throat slashing, a pair of beheadings, arm breaking, swordplay, stabbing, fire use, etc. The fights include more blood than one may expect, including a pretty nasty, blood splattering headbutt during the end fight.

Sexuality/Nudity: None.

Language/Dialogue: Hardly any, though Wong does call someone a “fag” at one point. It is largely know that gay slurs don’t carry the same heft in Asian entertainment as they do here.

How bad was it?:
There’s nothing but a unanimous vote of approval for this film, as far as the critics are concerned. It recieved lots of glowing praise, as well as a few even calling it a modern Martial Arts classic. No arguments here.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Golden Harvest released The Prodigal Son on 12/22/81, with the film grossing $9.2 million HK in a three week run. It is available on DVD through Tai Seng or on the 20th Century Fox/Fortune Star label.

Film: ***1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ****1/2/*****

Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.

Killing Streets

2008-09-25T21:25:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
says when the streets run red with blood, only then will the violence end.

Killing Streets

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
Here’s a new one for ya: The Action Mutant was censored on MySpace! During my recent inducting of photos on the TAM MySpace page, I put up a photo of Lisa Eichhorn (Opposing Force). It was from a play she did (entitled The Women of Lockerbie), in which her blouse was torn open and she was splattered with blood. It wasn't as nearly as bad as it sounds & I felt it conveyed the overall attitude that I try to convey in the writings. Of course, they stated that it was offensive and that “people as young as 13 visit MySpace pages”, which is funny because the age limit for an account there is supposed to be 14 & we all know how much luck the site has had in keeping track of real ages. Anyway, I put a tamer pic up but here is the original pic for all to see. You tell me if it’s a big deal to you. Now, on to bigger issues…like twin basketball players let loose in Lebanon! Is that Golan I smell burning on the stove?

The Plot, as it was:
Michael Paré (Streets of Fire, Eddie and the Cruisers) plays Chris Brandt, an Ohio high school basketball coach that’s told his twin brother Craig (also Paré) was killed during a covert operation in Beirut. Chris isn’t buying that load of goods so he decides to go to Lebanon himself & look for answers. Chris’ arrival is met with resistance from the U.S. Embassy, namely secretary Sandra Ross (Jennifer Runyon) and head man Charlie Wolff (Lorenzo Lamas). However, Chris finds out that his bro is being held captive with other hostages by Kasmullah militant Abdel (Alon Abutbul) & his regime. Aided by a legend spouting cabbie named Gilad (Gabi Amrani), Chris goes on the warpath & will not stop until his brother (and…oh yes, the hostages) is free.

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
The one fatal flaw within the Menahem Golan produced Killing Streets is that it actually tries to be serious. And if other Actioners involving twin lead characters (Double Impact, Double Trouble and Twin Dragons) have taught us anything, it’s that you can’t take them seriously. Unlike the three I just mentioned, the twins in Killing Streets are put against the backdrop of 1984 Beirut (filmed in Israel, actually), which is akin to putting The Wiggles in a Rob Zombie film (Note to self: Put in idea folder. Double Note to self: get attorney to talk to Norm MacDonald). Writers Stephen Cornwell & Andrew Deutsch try to add some messages to the fray but they usually fall along the usual jingoism of “Militants; bad. America; good. Um…USA! USA! USA!” Even when things come close to resonating (as with the subplot involving a young militant named Yahzi, played with conviction by Ishai Wureit), they don’t fully come together because they collide with the elements that make this pure escapism. The sad part is even those elements don’t inject the right amount of life into the film. Since Paré gets to play twins, he also gets to give two overly wooden performances. Flickers of earnestness permeate his actions at times but he often comes off as just too bland for an Action lead. It’s Lamas that hits parody-like levels as the CIA agent, sporting a Texan drawl that is a dead ringer for pro wrestler John Bradshaw Layfield. Seriously, watch this video of JBL and just imagine Lorenzo Lamas talking EXACTLY like that! Shudder-inducing, no? At least that train wreck provides some interest, which cannot be said for the majority of the film. Despite some goodwill in the form of Amrani providing light comic relief as the cabbie & a pretty decent car chase in the middle, Killing Streets lumbers along from one sequence to the next in fairly drab fashion. The final twenty minutes take the film from slightly ridiculous to horrendously bad, as the main resolution & finale involving a Lebanese informant (Menahem Einy) provide some laughable, head scratching moments. By the time the final credits rolled, I couldn’t help but think how entertaining this would have been if Chuck Norris was thrown in as the lead & all notices of pretension had been thrown out.

Body Count/Violence: 42. Things are actually pretty slow on the dead body front until the final third, where mucho soldiers are blown away with equally mucho bloody gunfire. Along with the car chase, fighting, explosions & stabbing, there’s actually a pretty sweet skull bashing scene that would have worked even better had Uncle Menachem handed out 3-D glasses during it.

Sexuality/Nudity: Two very brief tit shots by Runyon & Rahely Chimeyan during two very brief sexual scenes. Nothing to froth up about.

Language/Dialogue: Occasionally strong but not often.

How bad was it?:
It was nearly impossible to dig up any critical response for the film but the feedback on IMDB was not very complimentary, to say the least. Some say it was just overlong & boring, while others stated it was just very bad.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Golan’s 21st Century Picture Corporation released Killing Streets on video in the States on 10/23/91. No budget or box office records were ever made public.

Film: *1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ***/*****

Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.

Black Fist

2008-09-17T22:40:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
thinks “Albino Fist” won’t float in today’s film market.

Black Fist

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
In lieu of anything new to write, here’s a reminder that the new TAM Hall of Fame class will be put up soon. Those that were passed over during the first inductions and those featured in films I’ve reviewed since then will be considered. Then, they will get the prestigious honor of being included in an online photo folder with strange pics of other people. It’s as prestigious as it sounds. Just like the Oscars (and here, we forsake the three hours of musical & comedy numbers for YOU, the reader!).

On a more serious note, I would like to send out my condolences to Francine Fournier (pro wrestling valet and MySpace friend on the TAM page), who lost her father & older sister to cancer within days of each other. I have seen people in my own family lose battles with cancer & I can only imagine what its like to lose two loved ones within a matter of days. If anyone reads this, please send her a kind word. Keep her & her family in your thoughts and prayers in this trying time.

The Plot, as it was:
Richard Lawson plays Leroy Fisk, a black street tough out looking to make some money by street fighting for white gangster Logan (Robert Burr). After proving himself, Fisk starts getting static from crooked, racist cop Heineken (Dabney Coleman), who expects Fisk to play ball and give him his cut of the winnings. Fisk continues to buck the system so the mob responds by blowing him up his car…only, his pregnant wife is in the car instead of him when said blowing up takes place. In short, some honkies are about to die horrible, horrible deaths!

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Though it doesn’t turn the genre on its ear or anything (think Hard Times crossed with Death Wish, with a predominately African American cast), Black Fist is moderately better than its low budget, Blaxpoitation pedigree would have you believe. Though it has all of the trappings you would expect a flick like it to have (dated dialogue, bad editing, etc.), it has a few good things going for it. Lawson (sounding like Jules from Pulp Fiction at times) gives a game performance & is better than your usual B-Movie leading man is in a low grade effort. Of course, most of the choice lines & scenes go to Coleman, as he’s about as smarmy as smarmy can get. If there was an Oscar back then for “Best Portrayal of a Redneck/Racist cop in a Blaxpoitation feature”, ol’ Dabney would have won it hands down here! His mere presence elevates things when they begin to slow down, which admittedly happens before the key tragedy kicks in. As the main villain, Burr is more ordinary & atypical of a BX-poitation baddie and the other thugs fall in that same line. That distinction may still be better than Phillip Michael Thomas’ (Tubbs in the iconic TV series Miami Vice), who has the honor of giving TWO distinctly overblown performances (as best friend Fletch & pimp Boom Boom). The flick also has some decent fight scenes going for it, as they aren’t overblown & are more grounded than one would expect. Everything goes pretty uniformly until the end, which is definitely a memorable curveball to say the least. Suffice to say, the ending is one of the few unexpected touches that makes Black Fist a pretty watchable time killer.

Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- Pro Wrestlers Hardboiled Haggerty (Battle Creek Brawl) and Pak Song (billed as “Pak Son” here) appear as street fighters. There’s one in the credits listed simply as “Earl”, who somewhat resembles Earl Maynard (the Jamaican fighter from BCB) but I can’t say for sure that it’s the same man.

Body Count/Violence: 10. It’s a film that’s partly about street fighting so it’s a safe bet there’s gonna be some brawling going on. It’s not terribly bloody, with the messiest thing being Moose (Haggerty) getting his head rammed through a car window. There are also some explosions, after-the-fact-deaths and a gunshot to the head but the fights are the obvious draw.

Sexuality/Nudity: Two topless scenes, one gratuitous one by a nameless white chick & one during an attempted rape scene. Women are slapped around quite a bit in this one, which is likely to turn off today’s politically correct audiences.

Language/Dialogue: Pretty crude actually, with more than a few racial slurs thrown in with the strong profanity.

How bad was it?:
Not much on the critical front, as the positive response was slightly more prevalent than the negative. Lawson & Coleman definitely got most of the raves.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Centaur Films distributed Black Fist in America & released it in February of 1975. No budget or box office figures are known for it. It is available on several public domain sites and can be bought for cheap on DVD (though picture quality may differ, depending on the video distributor).

Film: **/*****
Entertainment value: ***1/2/*****

Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.

The Head Hunter

2008-09-12T21:30:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
swore this film was going to be about Samoan wrestlers.

The Head Hunter

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
I read the greatest book ever the other day and my only complaint is that someone else (namely me) didn’t come up with it first. Seagalogy: A Study of the Ass-Kicking Films of Steven Seagal is written by Ain’t It Cool News reviewer Vern & goes through the big man’s entire film career (from Above the Law to his most recent Pistol Whipped). Each film is dissected by Vern to reveal not only some pretty groovy facts (in Hard to Kill, its noted in the script that Seagal’s Mason Storm has a tape of Chuck Mangione’s “Feels So Good” on his car’s tape deck, showing it wasn’t just a random tape from the prop dept.) but some of the recurring Zen philosophy in his films. It’s also funny as all fuck, too (check out an excerpt here, reviewing Seagal’s first music album). Well, I guess I better get started on that Dolph Lundgren retrospective before someone beats me to that.

The Plot, as it was:
Chow Yun-Fat stars as Nguyen, a pyro guy for a movie studio that is also a hitman on the side (Note: dream life!). He’s been a contract killer ever since his stint in Vietnam & hopes to bring his family to Hong Kong one day (as they are still in Vietnamese exile). Nguyen develops a relationship with news reporter Vicky Lee (Rosamund Kwan), who is on the trail of people responsible for a string of deaths involving toxic nerve agents that were originally used in the war. She traces them to Nguyen’s boss, so Nguyen gets the order to off his girl & he understandably has his doubts. Along with holding a damaging secret from Vicky, Nguyen is also pursued Kim Tai-Yung, a soldier Nguyen left for dead in the war and now has an axe to grind (and a machete to swing).

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
The Head Hunter (or The Long Goodbye in some circles, not to be confused with Altman’s classic) would have been better if it were infused with some John Woo in the director’s chair & an increase in skill level in…oh, just about every area there is. To be fair, a youngish Yun-Fat does his usual serviceable work with a subpar script & the film certainly picks up when an action scene comes about. It’s obvious the filmmakers were going for an epic Actioner, as many flashbacks (complete with orange-tinted film), dream sequences & allusions to Vietnam are incorporated. However, the editing & lighting is pretty bad and the stock characters & plotting do not help much. The plot is somewhat ambitious & tries to tackle other subplots but it all ends up muddled & lacking. The action is the sole saving grace at times, as its not Woo-level chaos but its well done in its low budget standards. As it stands though, The Head Hunter isn’t too much better than the schlock Chuck Norris would be putting out a few years from this (though it is cheaper to find).

Body Count/Violence: 24. Though titled The Head Hunter, only two decapitations are offered up within the flick. There’s bloody shooting, stabbing, fighting, suffocation, impaling, grenades & explosions and gassing. Not as gory as Yun-Fat’s later efforts with Woo but it works.

Sexuality/Nudity: There are two sex scenes and though the one with Yun-Fat is pretty steamy, nothing is shown in either. A woman is also hung with her arms splayed out & is partially nude but nothing’s really seen.

Language/Dialogue: Not much at all, with only one “bastard” and not much else.

How bad was it?:
There’s not much to go by from either critics or moviegoers but what’s out there isn’t very complementary. The highest praise was middling at best and most other comments stated that even diehard Yun-Fat fans may have their difficulty watching this.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Seasonal Film Corporation released The Head Hunter in HK theaters on 3/25/82 & it made $4.2 million HK in a typically short run. It never saw any American theaters (that I know of) & is available on DVD under this title and its alternate English title, The Long Goodbye.

Film: **/*****
Entertainment value: ***/*****

Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.

Pulp Fiction

2008-09-11T22:45:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
comes from the country of What (where they, in fact, speak Swahili).

Pulp Fiction

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
As with most likely millions of film geeks everywhere, Pulp Fiction was one of the seminal films of my cinematic upbringing. Sure, I watched films before. I was curious about them and wanted to know more about them. But, it took something like Quentin Tarantino’s neo-masterpiece to make me start reading about film; dissecting it and looking at it as more than a Sunday afternoon diversion. It isn’t the best film ever but its status as a cultural phenomenon has rarely been equaled in time.

However, Pulp didn’t completely change the landscape for the better. Like Nirvana did to Hair bands & All in the Family did to wholesome, family sitcoms, Pulp Fiction & its jut-jawed creator killed off the dominance of the Action film at the American box office. As mentioned on other sites, one of the main reasons people were so drawn to PF was that it was totally aware of the universe that it was cultivated from. When Jules Winnfield admits that his patented “Ezekiel 25:17” speech was “just a cold-blooded thing to say to a motherfucker before you popped a cap in his ass”, he should definitely know it is…because QT lifted it straight from the Sonny Chiba vehicle The Bodyguard! Before, movie characters lived in their own universes and if things were said that you have heard hundreds of times before, it was never admitted and life went on. However, Tarantino eats, drinks, shits, pisses and sweats film daily and he was more than willing to let that show in his films. With that, his characters were quick to admit that Bronson & John Wayne were their inspirations in life. Pulp Fiction (and Tarantino’s earlier Reservoir Dogs) fully embraced all of the macho bullshit and camaraderie of Action films with a wink at the audience…and their straight-laced Action equivalents weren’t invited for the ride. Don’t believe me? Look at the drop-off of production from Hollywood’s elite Action stars after Pulp Fiction made itself known:
Seagal: Had a few more decent box office performances but soon fell into the direct-to-DVD trap, where he resides today.
Van Damme: see Seagal.
Bronson: Got old, did made-for-TV movies and died. Kind of depressing, so let’s move on.
Willis: Interestingly, this film was the catalyst of him becoming an actual actor, due to him taking a lesser role here after a string of box office disappointments. His mix of eclectic projects has kept him going.
Schwarzenegger: Managed to stay relevant through family comedies & effects laden Actioners. Was somehow deemed the least inept of hundreds of candidates to become Governor of a so-called “state”.
Stallone: Career went down the toilet and only came back over a decade later when he took his two most prized creations & updated them for the modern day.
Snipes: He isn’t Wesley Snipes anymore. If the IRS comes calling, say hello to Miguel Sanchez!
See, these guys either had to update themselves to stay on top or get run over along the way. People were tired of the usual “saving the world, no challenge involved” Action films that were becoming commonplace, so it was refreshing to see a genre film (in a sense, as it has many of the same elements) that had moments that were treated to be trivial as if it were an episode of Seinfeld. Simply put, Pulp Fiction was something fresh in an era that (many felt) was in need of tweaking. It is a little bittersweet that it seemingly took down many careers with it (ironic, considering it made & re-made its share of careers) but it’s not as if Action films ceased to exist afterwards. Many are pointing to a slight renaissance in the genre during the 2000s & even the much maligned direct-to-DVD market has its moments. And as for its inclusion here? Well, you can’t discuss Jesse James if you don’t bring up Robert Ford, right?

The Plot, as it was:
Through non-linear storytelling, tales of gangsters, drug dealers and other (really f’ed up) people in the California valleys are told. John Travolta & Samuel L. Jackson are Vincent & Jules, two low level hitmen that chat about the metric system and proper foot massaging etiquette while on the way to a job. The results of said job lead to one contemplating the concept of “divine intervention”…and a bloody mess inside their car. Later, Vincent accompanies Mia (Uma Thurman), the wife of boss Marsellus Wallace (Ving Rhames), to a night on the town that (also) doesn’t go as planned. Prizefighter Butch Coolidge (Bruce Willis) defies Marsellus’ orders to take a dive during a big fight and attempts to get out of town with doe eyed girlfriend Fabienne (Maria de Medeiros). However, an unplanned retrieval of his priceless gold watch (which has an interesting back-story, to say the least) leads to more trouble than expected. And Pumpkin & Honey Bunny (Amanda Plummer & Tim Roth) plan the robbery of a local diner…and if you think that’s the end of that story, then you’re not catching the pattern.

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
What’s wrong, TAM? You haven’t praised this movie enough already? Obvious kidding aside, Pulp Fiction is a classic not unlike The Godfather or Goodfellas in the sense that it never seemingly rings a false note or overstays its welcome. The main claim of its staying power resides in the fact that (at the time, since it’s been copied several times to no avail) Tarantino manages to craft a film that is totally like nothing ever put out before, despite using several tried and true conventions (try and imagine the film with a different soundtrack, for one). Its part New Wave crime drama, part dark comedy, part introspective work, part character study and part hard boiled mystery. Juggling so many hats would usually prove the fault of someone that has only directed their second film but it comes off so effortless here. A great thing about it is if you get confused by the film’s non-linear structure (which I have heard happen a few times), there’s so much that grabs you upon the first viewing that it’s a continuous treat to go back and keep picking stuff up. The much lauded non-linear framework is the flick’s greatest touch, as the majority of Tarantino’s menagerie of dissidents & miscreants have their heroic & honorable moments somewhere within the storyline; they become heroes through choice luck & leave antiheroes, even if the lesson may never be fully grasped (we, the viewer, don’t know if they’re truly changed people but lets not take that as code for “needing a sequel”.). Every character is memorable in some way, with Travolta & Jackson bringing Vincent & Jules to life and then some on screen. Sure, much of it is QT’s machine gun delivery-like dialogue but the two take the words and mold them into career performances (and, in both cases, career saving performances…though more Travolta’s in historical canon). Travolta adds little comedic nuances to many of his lines & actions and Jackson’s many “sermons on the mount” as Jules have taken on lives of their own. The Vincent/Jules segments are the meat of the film and include other odd turns from Eric Stoltz as a hippie drug dealer (“Heroin, it's coming back in a big fucking way.”) and Harvey Keitel as a more suave version of the Cleaner he briefly played in Point of No Return (“…pretty please... with sugar on top. Clean the fucking car.”). However, the “Gold Watch” segment proves to be a show stopper, with Willis delivering a solid homage to his usual “tough guy” image and Christopher Walken stopping by for a classic monologue (with one of the best non-verbal punchlines, ever! Gets me every time!). The segment’s shocking conclusion is what most likely got the film’s initial notoriety but that’s just one cherry on top of this multi-layered sundae. If there’s anything close to wrong with this film, its that QT makes another one of his glorious cameos…though its his film, so he has enough sense to only be on screen for three minutes tops. There’s so much more that could be said but I don’t go joy-poppin’ with bubble gummers, so I best leave this at “To be continued”.

Body Count/Violence: 8. Fiction has gotten a rep over the years as being incredulously violent and while it’s violent at times, it isn’t continuous & gratuitous in the vein of the same year’s On Deadly Ground (another similar argument can be used for the Tarantino-penned Natural Born Killers). When it does get violent, its scenes are sudden and usually belie the film’s darkly, comic tone. There are a few shootings, with two of them being particularly gory (and one leading to one of the film’s more hilarious exchanges). Along with the gunplay, there’s a car crash, swordplay, drug use (which leads to memorable use of a needle) and some fighting. In my opinion, the main reason people have focused on the flick’s carnage the most is because its realistic results are juxtaposed with a very “matter of fact” attitude toward the acts (i.e. the long, casual monologues before the apartment shooting, the entirety of “The Bonnie Situation”, etc.).

Sexuality/Nudity: The confrontation between Butch & Marsellus leads to the most uncomfortable of situations for one of them (and to spoil it for the few that have never seen the movie or heard about said sequence, would take away from the shock). There’s a scene of (implied) oral sex and de Medeiros’ panties are visible in one scene, as well as Willis’ lower regions when he gets out of the shower (partially obscured with a towel but hair is noticeable). Oh, and QT’s ever growing foot fetish gets more apparent in this film (I mean, Thurman’s a joy to look at in this film but her feet wouldn’t be my first choice. Personal preference, people).

Language/Dialogue: A plenty, as the F- bomb is dropped 265 times in 154 minutes (making that 1.7 times a minute). Other profanity is accompanied by plenty of sexual dialogue involving anatomy, “oral pleasure”, etc. More than a few racial slurs are used, which endeared QT to Spike Lee to this very day (though I am sure there are places in the South that are/were called “Dead N____er Storage”).

How bad was it?:
This was THE critic’s darling of 1994, as every reviewer praised it for its freshness & verve. It still maintains that status to this day (Rotten Tomato rating: 96%) though it has occasionally been soured upon since its inception brought about countless rip-offs & clones. Of course, the Academy spread its legs like the cheap whore that it is and gave the majority of Oscars that year to Forrest Gump (leaving the Best Original Screenplay award for Tarantino & Roger Avary) but let’s face facts: Fiction was the more original, wholly satisfying film. Zemeckis was just showing off & the Academy just loves them “mentally challenged” portrayals!

Did it make the studio’s day?:
After winning Cannes’ Palme D’Or in May of 1994, Pulp Fiction debuted in America on 10/14/94 under the Miramax banner. In a shocker at the time, it bested Stallone’s The Specialist for the top spot that weekend with $9.3 million (The Specialist was in its second week of release but it only dropped 38% from its first weekend peak & was expected to win out this time). The amazing thing is PF managed to do this while being in 1,184 screens less than The Specialist, almost doubling that film’s per screen average! With an $8 million budget (high by true Indy standards but still catering fodder for some Hollywood projects), Fiction stayed in the top 10 through Thanksgiving & ended its run in May of 1995 with a total gross of $108 million. Raking in another $106 million overseas, Pulp’s $214 million take was a monumental number for what was considered an Indy film (though you should read Peter Biskind’s Down & Dirty Pictures for that particular argument) and is still amazing for today’s standards.

Film: *****/*****
Entertainment value: *****/*****

Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.

Enter the Ninja

2008-08-30T20:54:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
always seems to be calling out for his “ninja”. Ninja? Ninja?

Enter the Ninja

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
In honor of this review, let’s play America’s favorite game (according to 273 unemployed men)…”Would _____ make it as a Ninja?”:
Charles Bronson: Has the “code of silence” thing down pat. Might be a tough sell because of the lack of Martial Arts but if you need someone to take out an entire city block in three days, using nothing more than a cache of firearms, then he’s your man.
Steven Seagal: Might be the most credible person on the list (just based on skill level) but he’d be quite the rotund ninja at this point. Might be better served in a “Samurai Delicatessen” role (a la John Belushi), where he could slice & dice people from the convenience of his butcher’s block.
Van Damme: Again, another viable candidate but the voice may cause problems. I’d be more likely to understand an Asian ninja with NO English to his credit than JCVD & his mumbling (“Work smawder, not hawder!” My ass!).
Wesley Snipes: Now, that’d be one cool, fucking ninja! And the stealth skills would come in handy for him when evading creditors.
Chuck Norris: No, because ninjas are too conspicuous & noisy, even compared to Chuck Norris.
Dan Aykroyd: Loose Cannons 2: Death of a Ninja Salesman. Co-starring Dane Cook as his mentally slow sidekick, Toots. Dennis Dugan set to direct. “Chris Farley made a better ninja”, says L.A. Times.
Sonny Chiba: See The Executioner. It ruled. The End.
Da Governator: Too much shtick. After hitting a bad guy with a ninja star: “Catch a rising star, Bennett!”
Christopher George: No, but he would have made an excellent game show host!

The Plot, as it was:
Franco Nero (Django, Die Hard 2) stars as Cole, a former Army officer and recently certified Ninja. He visits his old war buddy Frank Landers (Alex Courtney) & Frank’s sultry wife Mary Ann (Susan George) in the Philippines and they could not have it much worse. The couple is being harassed by unscrupulous businessman Charles Venarius (Christopher George) & hook handed goon Siegfried (Zachi Noy) to give up their valuable land so Venarius may expand his operations. Frank’s a drunken husk of his former self but Mary Ann’s the feisty one that won’t go without a fight. Luckily, Cole is on the scene and ready to dispatch anyone sent the Landers’ way...however, things get hairier when a ninja from Cole’s past (Sho Kosugi) is sent to do Cole in. Holy Ninja!

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Enter the Ninja is both a seminal film and a forgettable one in the American landscape. It’s noteworthy for the fact that it was the film that started the whole “ninja” craze in America that would last for the better part of the decade (not to mention the film that technically kicked off Cannon’s run of bloody craziness in the 80s). However, it’s also a pretty bad film that gets by on unintentional hilarity and the audaciousness that would become standard from the Go-Go brothers. Seriously, I couldn’t stop chuckling during the opening “ninja training” sequence, as it was easily the cheesiest and most inept thing I’ve seen in a while. Then again, it’s Cannon so that’s part of the charm. The film can’t help but to be entertaining, even when its badness is at its most supreme (and when the film slows somewhat during the non-Action parts). Consider this exchange, courtesy of a review from dumbdistraction.com:

Charles Venarius [Discussing Cole]: Twenty men? He got rid of 20 men? That's impossible!
Mr. Parker: Impossible or not sir, he took care of them all.
Charles Venarius: This is due to one man?
Mr. Parker: Not an ordinary man sir.. .a ninja!
Charles Venarius: A WHAT?
Mr. Parker: A ninja... one who has studied ninjitsu. [Helpfully pulls out notepad] I made some notes.

He “made some notes”? Tremendous! Most of the bad lines come from George, whose game show host haircut and cackling, over-the-top delivery make for quite the memorable show (along with perhaps the best death scene EVER! Honestly, I could watch that all day!). Inept is also Nero not exactly being adept at the ninja style and looking pretty awkward in his close-ups that require fighting (though he is solid with his actual performance). And I couldn’t figure out if Noy was supposed to be a stereotypical German villain in the Peter Lorre mold, a leprechaun or what (though it was funny to see his hook thrown to him and have it accompanied by a “Wah-wahhhhhhh” trumpet sendoff.). However, if you came in to this wanting to see a serious, competent, tightly wound Action film…then you should have noticed something was up when you saw what studio produced it (and finding out that the director is none other than good ol’ Uncle Menachem Golan!). It’s trashy, exploitive and violent; it’s Cannon…(Sho) ’nuff said. EtN is entertaining in spite of all of those faults and fans of the genre (and Cannon schlock in general) will find much to enjoy on a “so bad, it’s good” basis.

Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- Chuck Norris disciple Bob Wall (Enter the Dragon) and future Cannon staple Michael Dudikoff are uncredited as two of Venarius’ henchmen.

Body Count/Violence: 36. Quite the bloody affair, though I did count about 8 or 10 after-the-fact kills. Still, the audience is treated to sword slashes, severed heads, throat slashing, stabbing, shooting, bench impaling (!), ninja star use, arm & neck breaking, body dragging by truck, lots of martial arts fighting, etc. My favorite death has to be when a security guard has the dreaded “mosquito spikes” driven into his face! There are also some legit cockfights in two scenes, which may have been due to the fact that the film was shot overseas where such things may be more lax.

Sexuality/Nudity: Dollars (Will Hare) distracts more than a few people with photos of nude ladies in his jacket, which are only glimpsed briefly. Susan George is in many a loose fitting outfit and is therefore very appealing in this flick (unlike in Straw Dogs, where her pouting & simpering every five seconds got to be much).

Language/Dialogue: A few strong profanities but that’s not the main entity here.

How bad was it?:
The few reviews I read definitely rank it as bad, some say beyond bad. Though I wouldn’t go that far, the majority of the critical “acclaim” does admit it’s an unusually fun, grade D actionier.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Despite Enter the Ninja being a worldwide box office hit and the initial film of the ninja phenomenon, its budget/gross records are not posted anywhere. It was released in America by Cannon on 10/2/81 and that’s about all that’s really out there. There is no American Region 1 DVD out on the market yet so bug MGM about that until that oversight can be rectified.

Film: **/*****
Entertainment value: ****/*****

Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.

Breaker! Breaker!

2008-08-21T21:24:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
asks what’s your 10-4, 1040, WD40, SR-71, U-571, UB 40, 7-11 there, good buddy?

Breaker! Breaker!

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
This has been a long time coming here at TAM. The first appearance of the man who has enjoyed a career resurgence in the past few years…despite the fact he hasn’t been in a film in three years and a starring theatrical release in thirteen years! A man that has a website named after him that displays many little known “facts” that are attributed to him in some way. A man who likes to solve disputes with words but usually solves them with a well placed spin kick to the jaw. You know who I’m referring to (note: If you said Bob Saget...get help. You have a problem). And no, I will not attempt to create one of those “facts” to make this review more acceptable to the masses. Besides, Chuck Norris doesn’t go for much comedy. In fact, Chuck Norris doesn’t heckle comedians…he throttles their souls with his eyes until they piss themselves and cry. What? It’s true!

The Plot, as it was:
Norris is J.D. Dawes, a trucker that would rather teach Zen karate techniques and rassle with kid bro Billy (Michael Augenstein) than participate in an impromptu arm wrestling match (though he does both). When Billy goes on a trip out of town, he gets detoured into the corrupt town of Texas City, California (huh?). Ol’ TC was founded by the tyrannical Judge Trimmings (George Murdock), as he has brainwashed the townspeople with good, old fashioned town pride in order to soak passer-bys for money. When Billy disappears, J.D. goes snooping for answers and ends up pressing his feet in rage against more than one set of redneck asscheeks.

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
This was The Chuckster’s first starring vehicle and it started the tradition of 99% of his following vehicles being exactly like this one. You know the type…someone does Chuck wrong, Chuck tries to be reasonable but the baddies go one step too far and Chuck lays down the ass beatings. It’s simplistic to the extreme and the only things that discern it from your typical Walker, Texas Ranger episode is some decidedly 70s goofiness & some bizarre supporting work. Murdock, who portrayed Big Daddy in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof on stage, acts like he’s reading from an entirely different script half the time as he waxes drunken poetic and hams it up with pleasure. Of course, it’s especially prevalent with Norris coming from the Cigar Store Indian School of acting, where Norris is so stoic he makes Bronson seem like Bobcat Goldthwait. At least Murdock holds interest in the typically crazed, country judge role, since all of the other townspeople are so stereotypical & one dimensional that they generate very little interest by comparison. The sound you hear after John Di Fusco’s Arney debuts on screen is the collective smack of flesh on skull after realizing you’re about to be treated to another garden variety “village idiot” and it doesn’t get much better afterwards (the grease monkey mechanic, the slave driver restaurant owner, corrupt policemen and one too many “sons of the soil” populate this area). The film’s lack of budget stifles things as well, with Texas City delightfully resembling one of those Western resort towns with cheap sets & shootouts scheduled every day at noon. Only here, the budget’s so low that there isn’t much in the way of gunplay and the finale only seems to be an excuse to tear the “town” down without springing for what would be the requisite explosive climax (hey, they had to work in that CB lingo in somehow, right?). Other than that, Chuck does what he does best and that’s kick, kick & kick some more. Sadly, the main villain isn’t even given the designated final beating, as the audience is treated to Chuck kicking a drunken Deputy’s ass for way too long (and some Quaalude induced symbolism involving a horse riding free into the sunset) to send everyone home happy. The thing is that final battle seems to encapsulate everything about Breaker! Breaker! into one fell swoop. The execution of the film seems so lazy that if the filmmakers can’t be bothered to put forth a satisfying conclusion, then I can’t see why you should be bothered to see it multiple times.

Body Count/Violence: 2. Of course, if you work in the amount of people Chuck spinkicks into mush, its more like 40-50. There’s plenty a beating thrown in, as well as neck breaking, some shooting, vehicular destruction (including car compacting in a junkyard), window and fence crashing, etc. And kicking. It’s Chuck Norris, so there’s plenty of kicking.

Sexuality/Nudity: Chuck’s shown in bed with the town’s lone dame (Terry O’Connor) but nothing is shown.

Language/Dialogue: Its 1970s era PG, so every mild expletive except for the big F is used. The film would be a mild PG-13 at best today.

How bad was it?:
In a career riddled with maligned star vehicles, fan feedback and critics mark this amongst Chuckles’ worst (worst than Top Dog?). Most state that it’s more forgettable than it is bad (though a lot of them state it’s bad, too), though it’s expected since this was released to capitalize on America’s CB craze in the late 70s and those films weren’t exactly torchbearers of five star cinema.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
No money figures are known for Breaker! Breaker! but it was released in the States in 5/6/77 through American International, so it was most likely a box office success due to its ultra-low budget.

Film: *1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ***/*****

Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.

Prime Cut

2008-08-20T22:34:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
says Lee Marvin was in his “prime” here. Heh heh. Ok, let’s move on.

Prime Cut

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
Memorable first viewing story: Every once in a while, I’d set my VCR (back when there were such things) and timer record late night movie showings from WNUV-54 in Baltimore. When Prime Cut came about the TV listings one night, all I saw was “Lee Marvin” and “Gene Hackman” and it was a no brainer to give a look. I watch what I recorded the next day and I noticed something peculiar for a broadcast TV airing…tits! Tits and full frontal nudity! I don’t know if the late night guy at WNUV was asleep at the switch or at the vending machine getting Bear Claws but there was Prime Cut in its unedited, uncensored glory on broadcast TV. Sure, it was the 2 a.m. – 4 a.m. time slot and all of probably six people were watching at the time but it seemed like a pretty big deal to me. And the movie was pretty kickass, too! You like guts? Prime Cut has them and more!

The Plot, as it was:
Try this suit (or dress) on for size: Lee Marvin stars as Nick Devlin, a Chicago mob enforcer that’s given an unpleasant surprise…the remains of another mobster in sausage form! He’s the latest victim of Mary Ann (Gene Hackman…yes, Gene Hackman as Mary Ann), a cattle baron that wants to avoid paying his $50,000 debt to the mob. Devlin and a posse of gangsters go down to Kansas City to collect and soon find out that Mary Ann and his hotdog toting brother Weenie (Gregory Walcott) don’t sell just animal meat; they auction off doped up, naked orphaned girls to the highest bidder! Nick rescues a girl named Poppy (Sissy Spacek) and the gangsters soon realize that Midwestern hospitality equates to blond haired farmhands hunting you down with shotguns. However, Nick & Mary Ann have a past with each other (much of it revolving around Nick’s former girl & Mary Ann’s current wife Clarabelle, played by Angel Tompkins) and it’s just a matter of time before the two old friends meet up again for one last showdown.

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Did I even begin to mention how insanely twisted (and therefore, awesome) this film is? Simply put, Prime Cut has more entertainment value in five seconds than some summer blockbusters have in their entire durations. And while it is certainly grade A exploitation fare, it also has elements of dark comedy and satire that push it above even the best of its genre’s era. From the memorable opening credits tour through a slaughterhouse (set to docile muzak by Lalo Schifrin) to the ending shootout, director Michael Ritchie (Fletch, The Bad News Bears) and writer Robert Dillon (99 and 44/100% Dead) keep a decided undercurrent of weirdness to the film. Seriously, did you read the plot description? The most brilliant touch however, may be that the filmmakers never make the mistake of trying to weird things up for the sake of it. The dichotomy of the “city slickers” stepping into the Heartland is buoyed by the novel twist of the country folk displaying the vicious, greedy streak of their urban counterparts (think City Slickers…if Jack Palance decided to invoke the spirit of a serial killer and off Billy Crystal…now, there’s a movie!). All of the odd elements are presented against the backdrop of a seemingly standard, hard boiled thriller and we are lucky to see actors who perform expertly in this environment. Marvin is just quintessential Lee Marvin here, displaying the usual steely, menacing glares with a dry sarcasm that is just effortless. His exchanges with Hackman are memorable and it’s almost a shame there isn’t more interaction with them. As the heavy, Hackman is so gleefully evil that it’s an equal shame that his Mary Ann isn’t given more screen time. Spacek (in her first substantial film role) acquits herself well in the “Boy’s Club” atmosphere, though she is basically the designated “damsel in distress”. However, there are so many iconic scenes & images that it’s very hard to feel cheated. Such surreal images as the opening credits sequence, Mary Ann & Weenie playfully wrestling about the office while accountants rattle off Mary Ann’s sordid practices, Nick treating Poppy (and onlookers) to a revealing dinner or the legendary, Hitchcock-like wheat thresher chase only scratch the surface of how deliciously entertaining and bent this flick gets. It may not be subtle or politically correct (or “art house” fare), but as far as total film experiences go, Prime Cut is a man amongst its peers and one damn good, perversely fun ride.

Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- Eddie Egan (Jake) was the real life inspiration of “Popeye” Doyle, the iconic detective played by none other than Gene Hackman in The French Connection.

Body Count/Violence: 15. Its not an overly blood splattered abattoir but Prime Cut is nasty when its time for it to be. For me, it doesn’t get better than Devlin’s muscle swearing vengeance on Mary Ann and his army as they take a ride up a stormy, dirt road, all while Nick is quietly assembling his weaponry in the backseat. That’s some heavy, macho shit right there! The ensuing cornfield/barn shootout counts for most of the dead, with a few splashes of blood for good measure. There’s also some brawling, vehicular mayhem and hot dog attacks (you’ll see!). The opening credit tour isn’t graphic but you still may stave off of sausage & assorted pork products for a while afterwards.

Sexuality/Nudity: Both Spacek & Janit Baldwin (as Violet) are both briefly shown in full frontal nudity, as well as from the back (along with other nude women at the “cattle call”). Both also show off their shapely chests while trying on dresses (excuse the sexist commentary but 1972 Spacek = immaculate rack!) and Sissy’s modeling of said dress is certainly a memorable moment. Tompkins shows some nipple and sideboob (a la Peter Griffith) in a very revealing negligee in her scene with Marvin. There are slight glimpses of pale man ass but not enough to ruin the party.

Language/Dialogue: Not particularly strong, with an S - bomb and a half F -bomb being the most potent.

How bad was it?:
Critics are not usually kind to exploitation fare but some seem to give Prime Cut a pass. Ebert gave it *** and promptly noted it as “…a fantasy in which everything is very simple and usually takes place outdoors, and in which the characters act toward each other with great directness and brutality.” Some critics didn’t seem to know what to make of it but most of them certainly made note of its audacity and visual flourishes.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Cinema Center Films (which produced Little Big Man and the first few Charlie Brown theatrical films) released Prime Cut in New York on 6/28/72. No box office/budget figures are available for it, which is common for a low budget feature of the decade. It was only available for a while on an outdated VHS version (last issued in 1985) but Paramount released it on DVD in Widescreen on 6/14/05. It was certainly a welcome addition to my DVD collection, replacing the DVD-R copy I had of that TV airing I mentioned in the beginning.

Film: ****1/2/*****
Entertainment value: *****/*****

Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.

Battle Creek Brawl (aka The Big Brawl)

2008-08-16T12:48:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
wanted to see Tony the Tiger and Rob Van Dam duke it out in this film…what a gyp!

Battle Creek Brawl (aka The Big Brawl)

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
SEPTEMBER 10, 1980 - I am writing this as The Big Brawl is premiering in New York tonight. It stars this karate cat named Jackie Chan and all I have heard is how great this guy is, how agile and flexible he is and how he does all of his own stuff. What I’d like to know is…can he scale a horse on his own? Can he kick Chuck Norris’ ass? Can he hold his own in a drinking contest? It’s a shame that John Wayne is barely cold in the ground because I’m sure he could show this greenhorn how to don a stallion! Is this guy supposed to be the next “Bruce Lee” or something? We all know that “kung fu” films are dead…it’s all about NINJAS now! And Asians can’t hold their own in EATING contests, let alone drinking contests! And come to find out, this Chan guy is going to have a role in The Cannonball Run…which only stars the world’s greatest actor in BURT REYNOLDS! I predict nothing but Oscars and fat grosses for Burt in the upcoming decade. This Chan guy can only hope one of Burt’s mustache hairs will brush up against him so he can retain a fiftieth of the charisma Burt has! I mean, its not like this Jackie is going to get two…or three chances to make it big here, right?

“Big” Johnny Mesa
The Action Molecular Hybrid

The Action Mutant. That’s why we’re an original. (Hey, we don’t have the benefit of the New York Times for advertising. Or the Special Olympics.)

The Plot, as it was:
Chan plays Jerry Kwan, a young buck that learns to fight from his uncle Herbert (Mako) in 1930’s Chicago. When he’s not trying to get some loving from his comely girlfriend Nancy (Kristine DeBell), he’s fighting off mobsters that consistently roust his father’s business. Jerry’s fighting skills catch the eye of mob boss Domenici (Jose Ferrer), who offers the young man an interesting proposition. The mob blackmails Jerry into entering a street fighting tournament in Battle Creek, Texas, which the syndicate has a vested interest in. Jerry must face off against many colorful characters, namely Kiss (legendary pro wrestler Hardboiled Haggerty), a brawler that finishes his opponents off with the “Kiss of Death”. And he means it literally!

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
It’s not like Battle Creek Brawl (or The Big Brawl, as it was known in America in its initial release; BCB is its alternate/current DVD title, hence the title I’m going with here) is an unlikable movie. On the contrary, some moments resemble some of the broad comedy that would make its way into Jackie’s forays later in the decade. There are the expected training montages, sexual but playful material and goofy fights (and crazy eye for detail…Roller Derby in the 1930s? Guh?). However, it’s the fight choreography that may frustrate hardcore Chan fans from enjoying this like casual fans would. See, even back in the day, Jackie was used to working 110 mph at everything he did. Here, he is working with American actors & stuntmen that are used to the standard 55 mph. Put them together and you get a product with fight scenes that (while fun) are slower and awkward than what both Chan & his audience are used to. This is mainly to do with Warner Bros. putting Pat Johnson in as the fight coordinator, meaning the fights are in the more conventional “roundhouse” punching mode. There’s nothing else remarkable going on either, as the story is nonexistent and the supporting cast doesn’t have much to do. Well, Haggerty does have fun as a snarling villain and he does have the right stache to work with. But really…how did Oscar winner Jose Ferrer get pulled into this? House payment due? Social Security cut off? Money to go to George Clooney’s acting lessons? Aside from adding presence, Ferrer doesn’t do much and all DeBell is there for is to look pretty (which she accomplishes well). Anyway, Jackie does shine in a few moments (his opening scene, the training sequences, the roller derby race etc.) but you would have never gotten the sense that this guy would be something big if you saw this in 1980. He does just enough with his dialogue to get by (he was learning English as the production moved along!) and his scenes with Mako are fun in a familiar “student/teacher” vein. The tournament itself is great, breezy fun and involves more old style slapstick than trademark Chan-fu. Despite an out of place side brawl in a movie theater, you will most likely leave BCB with a grin on your face though Chanonites will wholeheartedly admit this was one of the man’s lesser efforts. Hey, cheer up, though…at least it wasn’t The Protector! That’s another story altogether.

Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- This was extra fun for me due to the litany of old school pro wrestlers making cameos. Joining Haggerty is Lenny Montana (the infamous Luca Brasi in The Godfather) as a Mafioso, Ox Baker (red tights and crazy eyebrows & stache), Earl Maynard (the Jamaican) and Gene LeBell as fighters in the tourney and Jeep Swenson (Batman & Robin, Bulletproof) as a thug. There may likely be more but those are all that are listed at IMDB.
- Larry Drake (Darkman, Dr. Giggles) is the announcer at the roller derby.

Body Count/Violence: 2. As with the other film the production team for this one is known for (Enter the Dragon), this is kind of open for interpretation. The only confirmed death is when Kiss breaks the Jamaican’s back during their match (whoops!). There is a point in the theater brawl where Jerry kicks a mobster off of a balcony and he lands on some theater seats. Kwan gives him that prolonged “death stare” before he goes about his business, which is why I counted it. Anyway, there is a lot of brawling (surprise), after the fact bloodying, weapon use (including Jackie’s trademark workbench at one point), backbreaking, Roller Derby physicality and some vehicular mayhem.

Sexuality/Nudity: This takes the usual Chan approach of being almost juvenile with its approach towards anything sexual. I would bring up how absolutely no one has a problem with an American woman and a Chinese man being together in 1930s Chicago (though Jerry is called “Chinaman” and “Chink” enough times, I suppose) but it does allow DeBell to be in a sheer white bra in one scene. The less said about Herbert’s fetish, the better. (Note: I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out that DeBell’s initial claim to fame was being in the XXX version of Alice in Wonderland in 1976. Yes, she played Alice. And yes, the Queen wants her head but…well, I’ll just stop there.)

Language/Dialogue: Very mild, with “goddamn” being the most prevalent thing heard. And maybe “bastard” but no one British said it, so I can’t recall for sure.

How bad was it?:
Despite what I said about Chan’s most ardent observers pooh-poohing this because of its place in his filmography, most reviews I read gave it pleasant (though not spectacular) praise. A few thought it was too dull as dishwater compared to his other work but the critical response is more favorable now than it was upon its initial release, when all critics heard was of Jackie’s immense reputation and the diminishing results to follow.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Considering it took Chan three opportunities to crack into the American film landscape, it’s safe to say the first time wasn’t the charm. Released by Warner Bros. on 8/29/80 (no budget figures are known), The Big Brawl opened at #1 amongst limited releases leading up to Labor Day by grossing $1.1 million, beating out the venerable Don Scardino classic He Knows You’re Alone. The flick ended its run with a gross of $8.5 million, being a mild success but nowhere near the numbers the studio expected. They figured it would be a hit because a) it was done by the production team that did Enter the Dragon and b) Jackie Chan was Asian and knew Martial Arts. Clever minds, these executives are! BCB also grossed $5.8 million in Chan's homeland of Hong Kong during two weeks in October of 1980. It eventually became a hit in video and can be found on DVD as Battle Creek Brawl on the 20th Century Fox/Fortune Star label.

Film: **1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ****/*****

Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.

Tank Girl

2008-08-06T20:41:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
isn’t afraid to “tank” it at the box office (or anywhere else for that matter!).

Tank Girl

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
In somewhat continuing from last review, the success of The Dark Knight ($363.7 million and growing) has had all kinds of news media trumpeting that comic book films are all the rage lately. A look at the top 50 films in each year this decade proves the meteoric rise:

2000:
8. X-Men ($157.3 million)

2002:
1. Spider-Man ($403.7 million)
31. Blade II ($82.3 million)

2003:
6. X-2: X-Men United ($214.9 million)
14. Hulk ($132.2 million)
27. Daredevil ($102.5 million)
44. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen ($66.5 million)

2004:
1. Spider-Man 2 ($373.6 million)
49. Hellboy ($59.6 million)

2005:
8. Batman Begins ($205.3 million)
13. Fantastic Four ($154.7 million)
29. Constantine ($76 million)
32. Sin City ($74.1 million)

2006:
4. X-Men: The Last Stand ($234.4 million)
5. Superman Returns ($200.1 million)
36. V for Vendetta ($70.5 million)

2007:
1. Spider-Man 3 ($336.5 million)
10. 300 ($210.6 million)
18. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer ($131.9 million)
27. Ghost Rider ($115.8 million)
46. TMNT ($54.1 million)

2008 (as of 8/4/08):
1. The Dark Knight ($394.9 million and counting)
2. Iron Man ($315.7 million and counting)
10. The Incredible Hulk ($133.3 million and counting)
11. Wanted ($131.3 million and counting)
23. Hellboy II: The Golden Army ($71.3 million and counting)

Now, aside from an inconsistent start to the decade and a bit of a falloff in ’06, the comic book genre has been very good to studios. Stark contrast to the 90s, where comic book films (aside from the Batman series before it got Schumachered) were as dead as the horror genre before Scream hit the theaters. Several of the projects you see on the list above were in development hell & kicked about for years, with filmmakers being told things like “The climate’s just not right for comic book adaptations right now. Tom Green looks like a more stable choice for our box office future.” For every successful one, there were at several more that were disappointing. Captain America. The Rocketeer. The Shadow. The Phantom. Oh, and Tank Girl. It’s arguable to say whether TG would have been a box office success today but it’s certain that its concepts were ten years ahead of its time. And I should trademark the term “Schumachered”. Perhaps not though; I certainly don’t want to have to use it often.

The Plot, as it was:
Lori Petty (Point Break) plays Rebecca Buck aka “Tank Girl”, a sassy, hypersexual, punkish rebel that heads up a group of outlaws that obtain water (which is scarce in the film’s post-apocalyptic setting) from an underground well. The Water & Power company, led by megalomaniacal Kesslee (Malcolm McDowell), doesn’t take kindly to their monopoly being intruded on so they arrive at the house and murder everyone, as well as kidnap Rebecca. After Rebecca and slave mechanic Jet (Naomi Watts) escape the W&P compound, the two trick out a stolen tank and plan to take down the company. Both are also aided by the Rippers, a gang of Kangaroo/Human hybrids that want to end W&P’s water siphoning ring as well.

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
When scientists reference that certain video games & cartoons cause children to contract seizures, they should have thrown in Tank Girl into their argument. Throw is exactly what director Rachel Talalay does with the many visual concepts the film sports; she throws in as many as possible so that something always seems to be going on. The problem is that this strategy only accentuates the flick’s lack of focus. Now, I don’t always mind films that come off more like “experiments”. And there are certainly things in the film that just seem to pop out from nowhere (the Cole Porter number at the dance club being the prime example). However, these elements become fewer and far between as the film rolls along and it becomes apparent the anarchic energy & sharper tone (that the comic it’s based on possesses) won’t show up. It comes off more like a “wink and don’t tell” like attitude and the animated segues (the best part of the entire thing) convey the edginess that isn’t sustained throughout. There is no fault from the performers here, as Petty is spot on in the lead. Looking like Gwen Stefani (pre-Tragic Kingdom era) and crossing a personality of Bugs Bunny and a punk rock Lolita, Petty is unconventional throughout & when the film goes the opposite way in the last third. However, her character wanes between resourceful and dim, only so the story can advance along. McDowell plays a variation of the same effete psychopath he’s been typecast as since A Clockwork Orange and even though we’ve all seen it before, you can’t help but grin once or twice at how deliciously evil he is. Unfortunately, Uncle Malcolm isn’t in this very much and by the time Tank & Jet meet the Rippers (Ice-T, Jeff Kober and Reg E. Cathey, amongst others, in elaborate Stan Winston makeup effects), you’re just kind of waiting for it to end. It may be due to the dreaded “studio interference” that Talalay claims she experienced when making Tank Girl. While the film is supposed to be frenetic and colorful, it does come off at times as something that has been hacked away with a chainsaw. Hindsight is 20/20 as to whether Tank Girl would have been better if left to its original version but what is left is a fitfully cheerful, slightly bent and wholly inconsistent tale.

Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- Richard Schiff makes his second appearance in this section (Rapid Fire being the first), playing “Trooper in Trench”.
- Bongwater/Vulcan Death Grip frontwoman Ann Magnuson is uncredited as “The Madam”.
- Courtney Love was the music consultant for the film, going under Courtney Love Cobain. I kinda threw up in my mouth a little bit when I read that.

Body Count/Violence: 46 (plus a buffalo). There is very little blood here, despite the action dominating quite a few scenes. Kesslee uses a suction device that he plunges into people’s backs and extracts their blood and water from their bodies. There is lots of (mostly bloodless) shooting, fights, explosions, a guy ran over by a truck, walking on glass (again, no blood…huh?), after the fact dismemberment and broken necks. Those expecting a flick high on carnage may be disappointed.

Sexuality/Nudity: Thankfully, this film acts as an excuse to get Lori Petty in a lot of sexy, punky outfits, which usually consist of some sort of lingerie, stockings or tight t-shirts. She kisses Watts at one point but it’s nothing to lose sleep over, as the overview of the scene is meant to be comical. There are some scantly clad burlesque dancers in the Cole Porter number and Tank and Booga (Kober) are shown in bed together (though that was toned down by MGM, despite the fact there wasn’t much to it to begin with).

Language/Dialogue: The F-stick is only dropped once and Tank does express some sexual dialogue at times. The film is a very mild R, though (especially considering the genre).

How bad was it?:
Critics usually praised its different look but little else, stating it was all mixed up and not real sharp & to the point. Some were discouraged that it lacked that vicious edge that Jamie Hewlett & Alan Martin’s comic source employed. Yet others, like Ebert, claimed it was all energy and little substance, which became too much after a while.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
The word “Tank” was certainly appropriate with Tank Girl, as it joined Showgirls in MGM’s 1-2 punch of disappointments for 1995 (good thing Goldeneye and Get Shorty were on MGM’s bill, too!). Filmed on a $25 million budget, it premiered on 3/31/95 and thudded to 10th place with $2 million (though it was only in a little over than half of the number of theaters the #1 debut film Tommy Boy was in). It then tumbled to 15th the next weekend, taking in a paltry $700,428 and finishing up soon afterwards with a final gross of $4.1 million. Quite a cult following has developed for the film since its initial release & has led to new fans of the comic that inspired it.

Film: **1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ***1/2/*****

Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.

Crank

2008-07-27T19:48:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
wants him some crank (and he’s not talking about the movie, either!).

Crank

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
The previous opening weekend success of the new Batman feature The Dark Knight (you know, $155 million opening weekend…largest opening weekend in history) shows that market saturation happens to work every so often. The weekend also showed that there is a science to the money making side of cinema that benefits everyone. Think about it…put The Dark Knight in 4,400 theaters because you know they’ll show up. Your girlfriend doesn’t want to sit through 2 ½ hours of it, so she goes to see Mamma Mia! (which garnered the biggest opening weekend for a Musical film). And you don’t want your already drunk friend to ruin your enjoyment, so you drop him off to see Space Chimps (ok, you explain it’s gross to me). I plan to see TDK as soon as the lines calm down so I can’t speculate on certain things (though it’s more than likely that a certain Mr. Ledger’s death and the hype surrounding his last completed performance helped bring the masses). Nonetheless, when I first saw the initial stills of Ledger’s Joker in the jail cell on Fangoria’s cover, I knew that it would be career defining stuff. I just hope that the Academy doesn’t fall over themselves in awarding a nomination (or more) to the guy just because he died. I won’t go on record and say whether he deserves the nod or not because I haven’t seen said performance but the Oscars has become such a farce over the years that it wouldn’t surprise me if the board decided to nominate him for the sole purpose of “placating a still mourning audience”. Sorry if I sound cynical but look at the Academy’s track record in overlooking performances in more “fan friendly” fare and tell me if it doesn’t make sense.

The Plot, as it was:
Jason Statham (The Transporter, War) stars as Chev Chelios, a hitman that awakes one day to find out he’s been poisoned by crime boss Verona (Jose Pablo Cantillo) with the deadly “Beijing Cocktail”. The serum cuts off responses to the adrenal glands, meaning that the Chevmeister is dead if is heart rate drops past the below acceptable level. Along with trying to square up things with his flighty girlfriend Eve (Amy Smart), Chev decides to make his last few hours on earth count by getting revenge on Verona and his crew and trying to stave off the effects of the cocktail with tips from his personal chemist Doc Miles (Dwight Yoakam). Yes, it be crazy time!

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Ballsy. That’s the kind of entertainment Crank churns out during its 87 minute run time (93 if you see the Director’s Cut). With a film that has its hero engaging in the most illogical drive through a mall since The Blues Brothers, headbanging to “Achy, Breaky Heart” and getting high off of nasal spray, you know the filmmakers aren’t afraid to throw everything against the wall. To their credit, director/writer team Mark Neveldine & Brian Taylor get the plot out of the way within…oh, three minutes and frees up the rest of the time for a non-stop chase. The film has style shooting out of its pores, with everything from arcade game style opening graphics, crazy edits & zooms and even a nod to Google Earth (between the shaky camerawork, car thievery and locations pointed out in bold letters, this may be the closest a film gets to resembling the hit video game Grand Theft Auto). It would seem like its too much sizzle and very little steak in Crank but so much is thrown into the mix that very few can argue they haven’t gotten their worth in entertainment. Statham further cements his foothold amongst the last spots for Hollywood Action badasses by bringing that right level of menace and charm to his role. His character isn’t exactly the most likable bastard but his rouge nature makes him somewhat easier to root for. Yoakam (whom I did not recognize at first, in playing a yuppie-esque doctor) makes for quite the colorful character and there are good comic moments involving Statham and Smart but it is admittedly all about the Action here. Never boring, Crank’s biggest fault is probably it’s (to put it kindly) flawed logic. The setup puts Chelios in several eye rolling situations (including the much debated climax….especially debated since there is a sequel in the works) but if you can take the fact that the film is basically one big, guy pleasing, video game like crime tale then you are certain to enjoy Crank more than the usual, fair weather movie-goer. (Note: Along with its several video game references, Crank’s opening & closing theme is Quiet Riot’s “Metal Health (Bang Your Head)”. How can you not love that?)

Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- Chester Bennington, the frontman for the band Linkin Park, is the stoner in the hospital lobby.

Body Count/Violence: 23. It takes a while for the bodies to pile up but Crank manages to be as gory as it is fast paced. Bloody gunplay, brawling, broken necks and limbs, big guys being used as shields for grenades, meat cleaver use, asphyxiation, hand thrust into a sewing machine, car crashes and drug use are all on the menu.

Sexuality/Nudity: If it’s not Amy Smart in those tight corduroy pants in Rat Race (hey, I had to derive some sort of enjoyment from that stinker) then it’s her in boyshort panties here. She and Statham have probably the goofiest sex scene in recent film history, which I won’t give away (let’s just say it gives new meaning to “spectator sport”). Smart’s Eve also gives Chev some extra motivation during a car chase (you figure it out!). There’s also a scene involving two topless masseuses and other scenes with topless women at a pool and a dance club, as well as a glimpse of a photo involving lesbian action. There’s also Statham running the streets in a hospital gown, periodically showing his behind. And I won’t even mention what too much epinephrine apparently does to Chev.

Language/Dialogue: Pretty profane, with the F bomb being dropped nearly 100 times (among other terms).

How bad was it?:
Critics’ view of Crank seemed to generally have to do with whether they could tolerate the A.D.D.-like show put forth for them. Most enjoyed it for what it is, with some going 50/50 on it and a few outright trashing (I guess they were expecting a harrowing, drug drama?).

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Lions Gate Films, which has been specializing in the low budget Action/Horror features over the past five years, financed Crank for $12 million. Released on 9/1/06, it finished the Labor Day weekend in 2nd place with $12.9 million behind the Mark Wahlberg starrer Invincible. It only stayed in the top 10 another two weeks but it ended its run a modest sleeper with a gross of $27.8 million (as well as $16.9 million overseas). It certainly must have pleased LGF, as a sequel is set to be released 4/17/09.

Film: ***/*****
Entertainment value: ****1/2/*****

Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.

American Psycho (Uncut Version)

2008-07-10T20:53:00.001-07:00

The Action Mutant…
loves Patrick’s uncle Bill’s Bistros.

American Psycho

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
It somewhat amazes me that it took so long for some people to get the point of Bret Easton Ellis’ 1991 novel American Psycho. Then again, it really doesn’t surprise me. I mean, all of the evidence of excess on top of excess (the calling card of the “decadent decade”) is staring the reader right in the face in the form of Bateman, a character that’s so real yet blazingly over the top in nature. So, how does everyone take the satire of a time that happened not too long ago at all? Well, critics take the extreme violence of the story VERY seriously and that (of course) is all that anyone can seem to focus on. On top of that sundae is the fact that the unspeakable acts of violence mainly happen toward women, which sent every liberal and feminist falling over themselves with misguided rage. Never mind the fact that the men are portrayed as successful, present day Neanderthals with block-like cell phones & mousse covered hair. While I’ll admit that the torture in AP’s novel form is a mix of Caligula & Friday the 13th and even makes me a tad uneasy, the point was (of course) totally lost on everyone. Simon & Schuster (the novel’s original publisher) dumped the book due to its content and it was eventually released by Vintage Books, selling 250,000 copies its first year on shelves. Life went on. People killed other people, whether it had anything to do with the book or not & regardless of gender. And the highest rated shows on MTV, E! & VH1 have to do with celebrities and their opulent lifestyles, which distracts people from the real problems of the world. Yeah. Seventeen years later and how little shit has changed, eh? (Note: This is a review of the 101 minute, Uncut version, as opposed to the R rated version that is 18 seconds shorter in duration.)

The Plot, as it was:
Christian Bale (3:10 to Yuma, The Dark Knight) is Patrick Bateman, a stock broker living the high life in 1987 Manhattan. He has a nubile, vapid fiancée (Reese Witherspoon), a serpentine, high-rise apartment and the latest in facial care products and pop music CDs. However, Patrick seems to lack certain things (such as a soul…oh, and the best business card amongst his co-workers) and these minute inanities aid in his outside-of-work hobby…serial killing! After offing company upstart Paul Allen (Jared Leto), Bateman is intermittently questioned by detective Donald Kimball (Wilem Dafoe) and starts to lose his grip on the homicidal world he’s drudged up. The question isn’t whether Patrick will stop killing (or be stopped) but…does anyone care?

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Much like the book, the movie American Psycho is a hard piece of satire to really nail down. However, director/writer Mary Harron (The Notorious Bettie Page) & co-writer Guinevere Turner (Go Fish) did the impossible (according to many, since the majority of the novel is practically unfilmable due to its violent content) and not only made the film but retained the dark, cynical mood of the book without going overboard with said carnage. Open minds will see a seriously (albeit sardonic) funny film that skewers the 80s pop culture landscape (Bateman explaining the work of musical acts from Huey Lewis & The News to Whitney Houston is tearfully hilarious) without being pretentious about it. All of the 80s trappings are here (greed, cocaine in the restrooms, inflated self-importance, etc.) and all of the little digs at the era make it just that much better. The hotly discussed violence is handled smartly, with much of it being implied but coming off more gruesome due to the moody vibe it’s juxtaposed to. Everyone plays their parts commendably but Bale is the show, the whole show and nothing but the show here. The term “career making performance” is usually tossed around liberally but Bale goes so balls out with his portrayal of Bateman that it’s almost impossible any other performance could reach it in scale. In Bale’s capable hands, Bateman is neurotic, comically repulsive, hilariously vain and doubly disturbed, all without falling into characterature. His mood swings are so abrupt and chillingly sudden that it really takes the viewer for a great ride. One minute, Patrick’s swinging an axe at someone’s face and a few shots later, he’s listening to Chris De Burgh’s “Lady in Red” without a care in the world! His descent into madness is certain to cause some furrowed brows and confusion but those that truly follow the film’s satire tinged heart will appreciate an ambiguous ending that resembles the great films of the 70s. In other words, American Psycho is an underrated, underappreciated classic and that is apropos, considering how misunderstood the material was (and seemingly, will always be).

Body Count/Violence: 17. As stated previously, the book version of AP COULD NOT be filmed as is. Its grotesque visions of torture and sadism would have most likely earned it a high NC-17, if not higher (not to mention the book’s 384 page duration, as I couldn’t imagine too many people taking 3+ hours of blood & guts). As is, the film version is no where near as violent but does include its fair share of moments. Patrick wastes people in a number of fashions, whether it is shooting, stabbing, an ax to the face or a (very memorable) use of a chainsaw. Several bloody, after-the-fact corpses, an already severed head and a stomped down dog are also included but it’s interesting to state that the impact of most of these acts is rarely shown, leaving only the gory aftereffects and the audience’s imagination to fill stuff in.

Sexuality/Nudity: Oddly enough, it’s the film’s sexual content that almost caused it to be rated NC-17 originally. Patrick’s a kinky boy and it shows, with him watching a porno with two topless ladies going at each other. Bale’s sculpted abs and posterior are on showcase in many shots. There’s also a scene of two other women rubbing & kissing each other and three other sex scenes, though the one with Patrick essentially directing two call girls in filmed sex is more hilarious than erotic. Cara Seymour (Christie, the blond call girl) is nude in a bathtub and is nude (along with Bale & Krista Sutton) in the filmed three way. And who can forget a naked Bateman, chasing a victim down and having his crotch only obscured with a running chainsaw? Subtle? No. Glorious? Yes.

Language/Dialogue:
Fairly strong & frankly sexual in some dialogue. Oh, and people get angry if you interrupt them while they snort coke. Who wouldn’t?

How bad was it?:
Most critics heaped a great deal of praise towards the director and star of tackling such a combustible project and making it a masterwork. There were a few squeaky wheels that either felt it wasn’t controversial enough in being more faithful to the book’s content or was just too mean spirited to enjoy it. Once again, critics misinterpret good satire (which I’m sure is why Burt Reynolds’ career dried up in the 80s).

Did it make the studio’s day?:
After many years of false starts, directorial changes and casting shifts (you know, even after The Departed, I still couldn’t buy Leo DiCaprio as Patrick Bateman), Lions Gate Films produced American Psycho for $7 million and released it on 4/14/00. It turned in a respectful 7th place rake of $5 million its first weekend and despite it falling out of the top 10 the following week, it had enough juice to stay in theaters for another three months. American Psycho was a sleeper hit, grossing $15.1 million (and $19.2 million overseas, equaling $34.3 million worldwide) and becoming a solid hit on DVD.

Film: ****/*****
Entertainment value: *****/*****

Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.

Robocop 3

2008-07-02T20:19:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
says there’s no crying in robotic police protection!

Robocop 3

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
Let’s play armchair movie tycoon for a sec. You just had a sequel to a pretty successful Sci-Fi/Action film perform poorly at the B.O. Your production company, despite distributing the last two Oscar winners for Best Picture, is heading down the bankruptcy toilet and there’s no way to stop it. Your follow up to that sequel is coming up. How do you make it?

A) Just like the first one and give the core fans something to sink into?
B) Change things around to support the natural progression of the characters and make it a new vision that will reach more people, while maintaining the first one’s spirit?
C) Shoot totally for the kid market, flip off everything that made the first film such a hit and watch it go down in flames?

If you really don’t know the answer to this….just stop…just stop now. Go work for MGM, though. By all means!

The Plot, as it was:
The beginning of the third installment shows that OCP’s plans to create a new city in place of Detroit are in full swing with the construction of Delta City. The new CEO (Rip Torn, one of the greatest stage names ever!) has ordered a special “Rehab” squad of officers, led by the sadistic McDaggett (John Castle), to force people off of their property so the building can continue and OCP’s deal with the Kanemitsu corporation can commence. The Rehab squad runs into a determined group of resistance and is out for extra help to rid them. Meanwhile, Robocop/Murphy (Robert Burke) disobeys an important order and is again in line for reprogramming. When a tragedy hits close to Robo, he is thrust to the side of the resistance and is out for some Robo-revenge!

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Most fans like to look at this as the beginning stage of the raping of the Robocop concept (though this wasn’t the finishing touch, as there were two TV series and miniseries to follow this). The frustrating thing is that this could have been a worthy enough addition to the franchise had a few hands been absent from the pot. Firstly, whoever decided to make this PG-13 and edible for the masses is a fucking dolt and deserves a good portion of the drubbing. Not only is this an exercise in bloodless carnage (and therefore lacking the visceral pop that the first two installments possessed) but it takes a bad cue from T2: Judgment Day and has Robo dulled down for the kid friendly set by having a little kid named Nikko (Remy Ryan) intermittently help him out of jams and wax philosophical with him. Everything about this feels generic & comic book-lite and at least the second half the blame has to go to writers Frank Miller (the original scribe for Robocop 2) & Fred Dekker (who directs here, as well). The villains are overly broad and stereotypical to the point that I was wondering if the story was being deliberately sabotaged. Between McDaggett’s Nazi-esque regime and the pair or Android Otomos (the ninja android fighters sent out by Kanemitsu to destroy Robocop), I was halfway expecting our metallic hero to come out for his final battle draped in the American flag and jab the flag into a mountain of dead bodies, a la Iwo Jima. There are some good elements here, mainly in the form of a game supporting cast (Jill Hennessy as a rogue scientist, Bradley Whitford as his usual yuppie slimeball self, CCH Pounder, Daniel Von Bargen & Stephen Root as the main resistance members). Burke doesn’t have much to do other than being a placeholder in the franchise but he does well with what he’s given. Nancy Allen (Lewis) shows up yet again but doesn’t stick around any longer than she has to (look in the film’s trivia section at IMDB, if you don’t mind a spoiler…smart move!). As mentioned in other reviews, its not that there isn’t fun to be had from Robocop 3. The familiar Basil Poledouris score is there, several bravura moments take place and the flick is never boring. It’s just…well, it’s like a stripper coming to a bachelor party and forgetting the whipped cream and party favors. It’s all good and everything but it didn’t have the elements that could have made it so much more. “Not with a bang, but with a whimper” – T.S. Eliot.

Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- Jodi Long (Striking Distance) is Nikko’s mom.
- Jeff Garlin (HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm) is the Donut Jerk.

Body Count/Violence: 36. Despite the moderate number, this was dryer than the humor of one Steven Wright (“I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.”). There are plenty of large scale explosions, fighting, shooting, car mayhem, neck breaking, stabbing, (implied) suicide and robot dismemberment. The frequency of the carnage is equal to that of the first two in the series, just minus the juice.

Sexuality/Nudity: None.

Language/Dialogue: Some mild obscenities and nothing else.

How bad was it?:
Most critics trash this effort the most out of the three, though it’s not like it isn’t well deserved or anything. “Tiresome”, “run of the mill” and “Roboflop 3” are terms used more than often in the reviews you will read. Ebert (rating it at *1/2) pretty much said that while some characters like James Bond can go on forever, there’s “…only so much you can do with a creature who is half-man, half-machine. Who walks like a child's toy.” That last quote is pretty ironic, considering its dumbing down for the Toys ‘R Us set.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
After filming in the spring of 1991, Robocop 3 sat on Orion Pictures’ proverbial shelf as the studio was undergoing bankruptcy (they had racked up losses tantamount to $690 million by November 1991!). The film got its release a little over two years after it wrapped up, debuting on 11/5/93 and bombing with an opening weekend gross of $4.3 million. Produced for $22 million, Robocop 3 sputtered out a total gross of $10.7 million; its performance effectively killing the franchise for years to come. (Note: There is a Robocop “project in development” listed on IMDB for 2010. Prepare to shudder.)

Film: **/*****
Entertainment value: ***/*****

Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.

Robocop 2

2008-06-18T11:08:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
is…having….trouble!

Robocop 2

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
Back in my original Robocop review, I had mentioned that if it were made today, it would probably cost $200 million and be directed by Michael Bay. I can only imagine it being dreadful, as it would most likely be watered down and PG-13eened to death (though, that’s happened already in the franchise, as you will see in a future review). The casting would certainly be critical; despite the fact the SFX would be the real star. I hate to say it but the role of Murphy could go to almost anyone (ok, not Carrot Top) as all of the CGI would pretty much do the work. I could see Linda Cardinelli (Freaks & Geeks, still one of the 10 best shows cancelled way too early!) as Lewis, as she’d be gutsy but vulnerable. Maybe Martin Sheen as the Old Man, Michael Caine as Dick Jones, Gary Oldman or Ben Foster as your main baddie (NO ONE is recreating Clarence Boddicker) and you’d at least have the makings of something watchable. Of course, there have already been talks of remaking the original so we’ll see how bad the casting choices are and how it deadens my soul just that much more. In the meantime…

The Plot, as it was:
Robocop (Peter Weller) is back and so is his identity crisis from the original. OCP tries to reprogram Robo…with sexy…no, horrible results. The corporation decides to manufacture a newer version of their initial creation, as the Old Man (Daniel O’Herlihy) wants to pacify the citizens of Detroit in the effort to create a new city. Meanwhile, a creepy cult leader named Cain (Tom Noonan) is infesting the streets with a powerful designer drug called Nuke and is aided by a powerful street team that has a unlikely disciple in Hob (Gabriel Damon), a foul mouthed adolescent that’s deadlier than he looks. Looks like Robo has more problems than just trying to figure out if he’s human or not.

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Anyone that always gets the feeling that sequels are out to change the original layout radically will get a mixed feeling with Robocop 2. It’s pretty much just like the first…only not as focused or good. For one, the writing is not as sharp and is sorely lacking that snap by original writers Michael Miner and Ed Neumeier (Frank Miller’s original script was reworked severely by veteran scribe Walon Green). This is very notable with Noonan playing Cain, as he plays him very slimy but doesn’t have many memorable lines to work with (the best was comparing himself to Jesus and ending his speech with “I forgive you”…good, but can’t touch any of Clarence’s gems). The film is also notable for its shift in tone, as the almost giddy, parody laden atmosphere is replaced by a something that comes off too seriously. Although there are a few funny mock ads (the first with John Glover making a cameo is very amusing), they’re not as plentiful as the first. What it really comes down to is that Robocop 2 tries to be too many things while trying to keep the memory of the first film intact. The moralistic stance on drugs is so evident here (especially when Hob is added in the mix as sort of a corrupted face of the new wave of drug consumption) whereas it was just an element to the story in the first film. Robo goes through so many changes in this one that it’s easy to forget that he seemed to find his identity in the end of the first film (the reprogramming fallout, while amusing, is a little too silly for its own good)! Never mind the fact that the Old Man goes from benevolent tycoon to malevolent old bastard with no explanation in this one, either! Weller and Nancy Allen (Lewis) are given even less to do the second go-around, as Robo is given the Poochie treatment most of the time (with everyone talking about Robocop as opposed to….actually seeing Robocop!). Despite all of this, the film is still watchable and it delivers the slam-bang goods when it needs to. The stop motion SFX is still top notch as per the first installment and the final battle certainly pulls out all of the stops. Everything works on all the base requirements a sequel should fulfill…just don’t expect the kinetic forces and story craftsmanship that made the first such a legendary entity.

Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- Fabiana Udenio (Alotta Fagina in Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery) is the model in the “Sunblock 5000” ad.
- Frank Miller (the original screenwriter for Robocop 2 and creator of Sin City and 300) is Frank the Chemist.

Body Count/Violence: 60! A sequel usually ups the body count…but doubling it outright? 2.0 proved to be as nasty as the first, as it adds in more than the pervasive bloody shooting (which is maybe a notch below the squib level of the first…nice shot to the eye, though!). There are high heels to the eye, gory surgery scenes, Robo-limbs being cut off, brain smashing, neck breaking, baseball bat beating, car crashes, explosions, electrocution, etc.

Sexuality/Nudity: A slinky outfit here and there but nothing to hang on to.

Language/Dialogue: When Hob speaks, there’s usually a derivative of “fuck” or “shit” involved. Fairly profane, like the first.

How bad was it?:
Well, it’s a sequel so it has a disadvantage right at the outset. Basically, those that loved the first one didn’t love the second one as much and those that hated the first one reviled this one. Many critics cited the follow-up’s theater of cruelty as a hang-up for lack of new ideas.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Produced on a budget of $14 million, Orion Pictures distributed Robocop 2 to theaters on 6/22/90. It grossed a little over its budget its first weekend ($14.2 million) but still finished 2nd to Dick Tracy (which was in its 2nd week). It dropped out of the top 20 over a month later and wound up with a gross of $45.7 million. Although it made a decent profit, it was considered a mild disappointment since it didn’t match the grosses of the original Robocop. Wonder what the reaction was when they saw the receipts for Robocop 3!

Film: **1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ****/*****

Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.

The Warriors

2008-06-12T21:02:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
inserts the expected dialogue about “coming out and play-yay…ing”.

The Warriors

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
Isn’t it funny how we can laugh at things that seemed like a pretty big deal at the time? Case in point: the advertising for The Warriors when it was first released in 1979. Original posters used to read something like this: These are the Armies of The Night. They are 60,000 strong. They outnumber the cops three to one. They could run New York City. Tonight they're all out to get the Warriors. Now, apparently someone got the idea that this could be seen as a “call to action”, if you will. Somebody could take this message seriously and try to do some serious hurt upon someone or worse. Therefore, the second line of posters was toned down to merely logos and illustrations. And it didn’t matter. People still got into fights during the film’s showings and I’m sure one or two young punks decided to test a cop or two. Life went on. The point is it all depends on how a person is wired. If you decide to take something like The Warriors or A Clockwork Orange or the music of Marilyn Manson seriously, then it’s going to happen unless someone talks some sense into you. Never mind the 95% of us sane folk that will watch the film or listen to the album and move on with our wretched lives. Besides, what if someone went on a killing spree after watching Cabaret or The Way We Were? Would it even be mentioned? Can you dig it?!?

The Plot, as it was:
Michael Beck and James Remar (48 Hrs.) play Swan & Ajax, members of a street gang called the Warriors. They and seven other Warriors visit an open air rally with other rival New York City gangs, hosted by gang-lord Cyrus (Roger Hill). As Cyrus is about to declare a truce between all of the gangs, he’s shot dead by Rogue member Luther (David Patrick Kelly). The Warriors are framed for the assassination and they’re soon on the run, attempting to make it back home to Coney Island. Out for their hides are not only the Rogues but several gangs such as the Punks, Orphans, Furies and the police themselves.

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Judging by the plot description, one would expect The Warriors to be your run of the mill, street tough melodrama. And the elements for such are certainly there, from the corny dialogue (“We're gonna rain on you, Warriors!”) to the expected romance between Swan and rival chick Mercy (Deborah Van Valkenburgh). Just so happens this is directed by Action pro Walter Hill, who was just starting to come into his own as a Hollywood force. The Warriors differs from other genre pieces due to its energy, ballsiness and outright theatricality (the effective score by Barry DeVorzon and the intermittent narration of the late Lynne Thigpen’s DJ adds many layers to the proceedings). It’s a definite audience participatory effort, with the Warriors having to fight their way through an assortment of freaks and weirdoes, which speaks to the survivalist instinct in all of us. The lack of star power gives the gritty settings a bit more substance (real gang members were used at some points!) and the local color heightens things even more. It’s the gangs themselves that make for the most memorable moments, as their appearances are put against the ultra-realistic landscape and made to create an odd counterbalance & visceral fight sequences (everyone remembers the Furies most…you know, the ones that look as if Gene Simmons bought the Yankees…I could see that happening, too!). Everyone does ok by the material they’re given but its Kelly once again that steals it all by making it seem like he’s the craziest person in civilization. The guy just manages to weird the viewer out, even before his now immortal war cry (which has been parodied to death since then but still maintains its creepiness). Though it’s quite dated and shopworn, The Warriors is still gutsy fun and certainly energetic enough to be given a look. Watch…or get bopped!

Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- Mercedes Ruehl (The Fisher King) is the woman on the bench.
- Steve James (American Ninja) is one of the Furies.
- Sonny Landham (Predator) is a policeman.
- Odd trivia: If you watch the TV version (which has 6 minutes of other footage added), you’ll notice a knife thrown into a board during the opening credits. That knife is actually thrown by Penn Jillette of the future Penn & Teller (and of the totally underrated Penn & Teller Get Killed). He was a street performer at the time and was approached by producers in Atlantic City to do that one shot. Funny thing is the film shows a more attractive character before the shot with knife in hand, making it look like he threw it.

Body Count/Violence: 4. This isn’t a very death-heavy film but what it lacks in that, it certainly makes up for in its asskicking. After the opening shooting, there are plenty of brawls and chase scenes and while they aren’t bloody, they are memorable. We get knife slashing, baseball bat play, clubbing, chairs as weapons, Molotov cocktail attacks and more. The brawl between the Warriors and the Punks is the most potent, with gangers crashing through bathroom stall doors and thrown into mirrors and such. Good times. (Note: The villains get their comeuppance at the end but it’s not clear if they’re killed or just messed up really bad. Though I could assume…well, you know what they say about assumptions)

Sexuality/Nudity: There is some forcing upon women and making out but it doesn’t get graphic at all.

Language/Dialogue: Fairly strong, especially when Ajax is involved.

How bad was it?:
Initially, The Warriors wasn’t given many great reviews and was dismissed as mindless Action fare. Of course, its cult measure (and critical response) has grown since people have begun to appreciate its finer points.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Filmed in many locations in New York City (much of it uninterrupted during late nights, a rarity in films) in 1978, Paramount Pictures released The Warriors on 2/9/79. The film proved to be a mild commercial success; earning $3.5 million for the top spot its first weekend and eventually closing with $22.5 million in the States. Things weren’t helped by poor critical response or by many violent brawls breaking out at screenings but that controversy actually helped meld its cult status in the years that followed. A video game released by Rockstar Games in 2005 went on to earn $37 million and there is (of course) talks of a remake with Tony Scott set to direct. Maybe the Orphans will get some love this time.

Film: ***/*****
Entertainment value: ****1/2/*****

Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.

Shout at the Devil

2008-06-12T13:58:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
is the blood stain on the stage.

Shout at the Devil

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
It’s getting to the point now that if I were to die watching TV tomorrow, it would probably be while watching a Lee Marvin film. I still stand by the fact that every six months to a year or so, I find a new Marvin effort (well, new to me) that seems to have its own identity to it. This rainy day fare was no different…and it stars James Bond #3! But, Lee Marvin is a drunkard in this one, so some things never change.

The Plot, as it was:
Marvin stars as Flynn O’Flynn (no typo), an ivory poacher and all around drunken cad that cons an Englishman named Sebastian Oldsmith (Roger Moore) into helping him smuggle ivory past German forces in 1913 East Africa. Their partnership grows and even leads to Sebastian marrying O’Flynn’s daughter Rosa (Barbara Parkins), much to the soused O’Flynn’s initial dismay. However, the patrolling German commander Fleischer (Rene Kolldehoff) is a brutish prick that has had it out for O’Flynn for quite sometime. When WWI is declared, Fleischer storms O’Flynn’s estate and destroys nearly everything in sight. With revenge on their mind, Sebastian and the O’Flynns plan to storm Fleischer’s German battle cruiser and drive him straight to Hell…so he can shout….SHOUT AT THE DEVIL!

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
My “rainy day fare” comment wasn’t just written to fill space…Shout at the Devil is quite the entertaining “popcorn” movie. It’s definitely a work that is not here to win points for subtlety or political correctness. The humor is very broad and mainly consists of Marvin’s inebriated, foot-in-mouth act and Moore’s conflicting eruditeness. More than a few people may be turned off by some of the practices that are taken lightly here, which wouldn’t fly today (ivory hunting, slavery, portrayal of savages, etc.). However, if you can take the broadness and outright simplicity of the story and go with the grand scale action & goofy humor (like I did), you will enjoy this immensely. The oddball atmosphere matches up perfectly with Marvin’s sardonic adventurer, as the actor could do this act in his sleep. The same can be said for Moore’s idealistic playboy, as he makes everything look so effortless once again. Seriously, give these two some gin on the rocks and that’s your movie right there (one of the film’s better running jokes is O’Flynn’s quest for fame & fortune is really fueled by his alcoholism…hey, I told you this wasn’t a straight arrow story!). Ian Holm is also pretty fun as O’Flynn’s mute servant, as that role requires some great facials that Holm provides in spades. The baddies are your usual “we’re German but we speak perfect English to keep the plot going” type and Kolldehoff looks the epitome of the slimy foreign commander. Once the tragic events in the story happen, the film becomes more predictable and less fun as it goes toward a serviceable climax. As said before, SatD is not meant to be cerebral and when it hit’s the third act, you’re really just watching it spin its wheels until it reaches its conclusion. However, the first 2/3 is so odd and amusing that it’s easy to forgive the slight misstep and just go along with this old school adventurer fare.

Body Count/Violence: 59. Seeing that this was rated PG (a 1970s equivalent to a PG, that is…which is to say PG-13ish), one would expect a few violent moments and SatD doesn’t disappoint. Though there are more than a few after-the-fact corpses, a lot of them have been lynched, trampled, shot, skulls pressed against trees and stabbed. The rest are shot the old fashioned way, as well as blown up, speared, run down by cannon wheels, set on fire and even decapitated in a way that mirrors David Warner’s memorable demise in The Omen (though the camera cuts away upon impact). There are also plenty of elephants shot for their ivory, though none of their deaths are lingered upon. The most memorable set piece is the brawl between the two leads that has them crashing through railings and drywall galore.

Sexuality/Nudity: A few naturally endowed native types (think National Geographic) make intermittent appearances and their exposure is very brief at all times.

Language/Dialogue: Nothing strong but its funny to hear Marvin string together old time insults to hurl at people. My favorite is when he declares Sebastian a “rapist” after hearing his daughter is pregnant and then calling HER a “hussy” and a “trollop” when she declares it was consensual.

How bad was it?:
The critical response was more than a bit mixed, as it was trashed for being an overly simplistic yarn and praised for its action and old fashioned styling. Ebert gave it *** but admitted that it was “…a big, dumb, silly movie that’s impossible to dislike.”

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Shout at the Devil was produced by Hemdale Film Distributors Ltd. in England and released in America by American International on 11/20/76. This Peter Hunt (who also directed Marvin in the cult classic Death Hunt) helmed pic was shot in Malta & South Africa and budgeted at $7 million, which was considered steep at the time. No box office figures are available. Though the U.S version runs at 119 minutes, Encore Action recently showed it in its complete 147 minute cut.

Film: **1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ***1/2/*****

Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.

Rambo

2008-06-09T21:07:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
says you don’t want to piss in John Rambo’s cornflakes!

Rambo

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
Ah, yes. A day late and a dollar short, as they say (they?). The weekend presented me the opportunity to watch this Rambo jazz I’ve been harping on. I just HAD to get that review of The Bodyguard up and little did I know that the free time to write this review would come very soon afterwards. Quite simply, my timing sucks (“Yeah. Too bad I didn’t get there until AFTER the sodomy!”). But fear not, for the story of Rambo 2.0 must be told! And after watching, think of the talk that Sly may be trying to remake Death Wish. I’m almost half-tempted to say it would work, strangely enough.

The Plot, as it was:
In the twenty years since we last saw John Rambo (Sylvester Stallone) in action, he has taken residence in Thailand and has lived off of fishing and catching snakes for money (in a funny semi-dig, a snake peddler tells Rambo he’s tired of seeing cobras). When a group of missionaries led by Michael (Paul Schulze) and Sarah (Julie Benz) seek Rambo’s assistance in leading them up the river to the genocidal region of Burma (i.e. Myanmar), the weary ‘Nam vet warns them that nothing will change due to their good intentions. Predictably, they’re captured by the soldiers, who engage in some of the sickest torture and party games imaginable. It’s up to Rambo and a band of mercenaries to bust the prisoners out…and we all know you don’t want to anger up Rambo!

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Anyone that is just familiar with the Rambo films being an excuse for Sly Stallone to oil up his pecs, strangle enemies with his taut thighs and engage in a post coital smoke (ok, I made the last one up) will be taken quite aback here. This is not the total comic book universe that Parts II and III were made of, as this is more of the callous, graphic novel version of John Rambo brought up to date. In essence, Rambo is a big middle finger from writers Stallone and Art Monterastelli to those that felt Rambo 20 years later wouldn’t fly in today’s landscape. To go even deeper, this version of Rambo is more in line with the recent Rob Zombie-fication of Halloween’s Michael Myers, whereas a legendary killing machine from the past is presented as a colder, rough around the edges mercenary that isn’t as slickly produced as before. Actually, Rambo has more in common with a horror film/serial killer this time around. With a butcher’s shoulders and temperament, Rambo’s shirt stays on and his scowl is almost permanent. The horrors of the past have gotten to him, turning him into a burnout that eventually kills for the mission (and need) over country. We even get an awesome Rocky V-esque montage to illustrate that point (I was half expecting Burgess Meredith to show up during it, just to yell “Get up, you son of a bitch! Cause Mickey loves ya!”). Sly also talks so little that he makes Charles Bronson sound like Tom Snyder chatting about his most recent lunch at Brentano’s. Fewer words make this Rambo the most efficient killing machine of the series and this film the most brisk of the four (80 minutes pre-closing credits). Sure, it has the thinnest of plots and characterizations (the villains are prototypically devilish and are just lacking the mustaches to twirl and a railroad system to use for bound, damsels in distress) and the final shot is a total tack-on (the pre-parting shot of Rambo ambling off into the jungle like Bigfoot, away from the carnage he just enveloped, would have been much more appropriate) but you will rarely find an actioner that will produce the visceral punch at a pace like this. The squeamish may want to look for another outlet (see below) as there was even more than a few moments that had my mouth drop. There are a few moments of comic relief via the mercenary team led by Lewis (Graham McTavish) but this is all basically a harsh, hard hitting, yet somehow entertaining (if you can take the bloodshed) product of the cynicism we have come to gather from the 80s. Remember, live for nothing….or die for something….or die trying….or try dying….or do some tie-dying!

Body Count/Violence: 247!!! What doesn’t this film have in terms of violence? Obviously, people are shot at a lightning pace but even that’s like nothing you’ve ever seen before. The bullets not only blast blood out by the quart and put large holes into people but (in the case of the machine gun that Rambo gets a hold of near the end) they even tear people in half! The nastiness goes past the firearms, as people are blown up by landmines (and turned into bloody geysers), stabbed, having limbs chopped, blown or shot off, hung, beheaded, gutted, grenade attacked, turned into pig feed (really), throats being torn out, necks breaking, skulls being bashed in and more! Kids are even shot, stabbed with bayonets and thrown into fires! Of course, Rambo spills more Kool Aid than anyone by not only shooting it out of them but also setting up a faux nuke device and even breaking out the old nitro tipped arrows for fun. There may be less kills here than Hard Boiled but the carnage is more guttural and I haven’t seen a pic with such a continued nasty streak since Sin City. Old heroes never die…they just spend time coming up with more ways to kill people! (Note: The 247 is a count from one of the main guys at moviebodycounts.com. I was not about to try to count along here so I read his breakdown and really have no reason to doubt it.)

Sexuality/Nudity: Some Asian chicks have their tops exposed and one has their behind shown but it’s all during sexual assaults so it’s not pleasant. There’s also a thinly veiled nod to the General (Maung Maung Khin) dabbling in pedophilia, as if the villains need to be made sicker.

Language/Dialogue: Strong at times, with Lewis winning the “Best Multilayered Insult” prize by calling a Burmese soldier a “lady-boy cunt”. It made me giggle.

How bad was it?:
Much like the other cinematic icon Stallone decided to resurrect recently, Rambo was not totally dumped on by critics. There were more than a few reviews that chided it as a sick exercise in nihilism but many also praised it (about as much as you can praise a Stallone film, I mean) for being so radically off the path, as compared to the previous two Rambos.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Well, it’s not 1985 anymore (tell that to TAM). Produced by Lions Gate Films and The Weinstein Company for $50 million, Rambo debuted on 1/25/08 in 2nd place with $18.2 million…next to…yes, Meet the Spartans! It never found its blockbuster legs, falling out of the top 10 two weeks later and eventually ending up with an American gross of $42.8 million. Though it eventually gathered another $67.1 million overseas ($109.8 million worldwide) and $8.6 million in its first week on DVD (released 5/26/08), it was still the lowest grossing and profiting of the Rambo franchise. (Note: For the record, Rambo eventually out-grossed and out-profited Meet the Spartans worldwide, earning its $109.8 million to MTS’s $84.2 million. It should have been an outright trouncing, though. No wonder John Rambo never wanted to come back home!)

Film: **1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ****1/2/*****

Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.

The Bodyguard (1976)

2008-06-05T20:55:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
will always love you...in a platonic, sort of way.

The Bodyguard (1976)

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
Well, it has finally come to this. Though this is article #101 of the TAM, this is officially the 100th review I’ve written (don’t forget about the video game article)! I didn’t even get into the habit of counting how many I did until I posted the bulk of them this past March. Anyway, I wish I had a more noteworthy film for the special occasion but I’ve honestly been a bit busy to go to the ol’ Redbox and rent Rambo. I definitely need a few free hours to count up all of the corpses in that gorefest! Speaking of familiarity and all that mess…

The path of the righteous man and defender is beset on all sides by the iniquity of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper, and the father of lost children. And I will execute great vengeance upon them with furious anger, who poison and destroy my brothers; and they shall know that I am Chiba the Bodyguard when I shall lay my vengeance upon them! [Ezekiel 25:17]

Man, that QT has seen a lot of stuff! Although, I don’t remember Chiba breaking Abraham’s ribs after the latter killed Isaac. Or becoming the first to part the Red Sea by nailing it with a magma hairball powered punch. I have to read up on my Bible, stat!

The Plot, as it was:
Sonny is Chiba the Bodyguard (wow, that must have taken all of 0.5 seconds to come up with), a karate badass that comes home to Japan to put the country’s drug runners on notice. He states during a press conference (which is held after he stops a band of terrorists on the plane home) that he will guard anyone that has information on the drug trade and will take the bad element out one by one. A mistress (Judy Lee) to a recently dead mob boss takes Chiba up on his offer, which predictably brings the entire hostile criminal element out to try and shut Chiba down. Um, I would categorize that as a “bad idea” but that would be an understatement.

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Think of this as The Street Fighter, only that it’s made for apparently half the budget and ¾ of the skill missing from that previous effort. Everything about this effort screams haphazard, whether it’s the shaky camerawork (which was refreshing & gritty at first but got old fast for me) or the scene involving American martial artists Aaron Banks and Bill Louie shoehorned in the beginning for Western consumption. Actually, the first third or so makes it seem like a fun movie will follow but it eventually gets bogged down by uninteresting villains and choppy plotting. The action cannot be contained within the standard TV screen and the work suffers because of it. You know its bad when you have to scroll back in order to make sure what really happened in the preceding fight scene! Needless to say, things soon degenerate into the expected mob double crosses and gratuitous kills, not to mention that Chiba’s character grows increasingly dumb in order to make the plot go along. He does all of the old tricks here (hairball raising, bone cracking, etc.) but it’s all for naught if there’s not a half decent wall to throw them at and make them stick. The only thing you can take comfort in is that, at 87 minutes, it’s fairly short. And you’ll still be chanting “VIV-A…CHI-BA! VIV-A…CHI-BA!” regardless how bad it is.

Body Count/Violence: 29. The film retains some of the gory, bone crunching violence that is notable in Chiba films but it’s so poorly filmed here that a lot of it comes off flat. As expected, plenty of kung fu fighting is involved, with much of it consisting of blood spurting and teeth cracking body blows. Some bloody shooting, severed arms & heads (trust me, the latter is pretty funny in an unintentional way), skull splitting, knife & axe play and eye gouging also goes on.

Sexuality/Nudity: The nudity is fairly staked in its 70s roots, as there are no less than five instances of female flesh bared. The oddest one has to be the first, where Chiba’s sister is jumped by hoods and stripped naked and sprawled out on the ground in a Christ-esque pose. The rest is mostly breasts bared, with at least one more full body shot thrown in. (Note: DON’T get the Digiview Entertainment DVD of this film. All of the nudity is ludicrously pixilated out! I know it was only $1 in the Walmart Dollar DVD section but for fuck’s sakes!)

Language/Dialogue: A few F’s, along with some milder obscenities.

How bad was it?:
Even Chiba aficionados have a hard time coming up with good excuses to watch this. Most critics say this is subpar, even by the low standards expected from Chiba’s post-Street Fighter work.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Nippon-American produced The Bodyguard and it was released in the States by Aquarius Releasing in September 1976. No money figures available.

Film: **/*****
Entertainment value: ***1/2/*****

Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.

The Executioner (1974)

2008-06-01T20:37:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
charges by the head!

The Executioner (1974)

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
You know, despite that the fanboys would most likely disagree with this statement, I have to say that I probably wouldn’t want to meet Quentin Tarantino. Think about it; it’s like when Al Stump met Ty Cobb to write his memoirs and the latter turned out to be a spiteful, racist, sexist, murdering prick. Though Tarantino hasn’t murdered anyone (that I know of), I’d be wary of meeting someone of his likeness because he seems like the “biggest head in the room” (and no, that’s not joking about his oddly shaped cranium). For example, I probably could not be able to tell you what type of film stock the Shaw Bros. used during their glory days or what type of colorization technique brings out the luster of John Wayne’s boots in one of his epics with John Ford. Quentin could…and you either gravitate towards those types of people or are weirded out by them for knowing so goddamn much. One thing’s for certain, though…we certainly have our taste in films.

The Plot, as it was:
Sonny Chiba, Makato Sato and Eiji Go star as three men hired by an ex-police commissioner (Ryo Ikebe) and his adorable niece Emi (Doris Nakajima) to take out a New York drug runner doing business in Japan. Koga (Chiba) is a disciple of a respected ninja clan who will only do the job if he can keep the drug money being smuggled in. Hayabusa (Sato) is a disgraced police officer-turned contract killer that always finishes the job he starts (even if it takes some unexpected turns). Sakura (Go) is a prisoner that Koga breaks out of the can for the job and repays them by being the unending “comic relief”. The question is not whether the three will be able to pull off the job but how many people will die in the process (the answer: a lot!)?

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
It’s easy to see why QT has called this one of his favorite Sonny Chiba vehicles. It even resembles a Tarantino film, in the sense that there are real “cool customer” type characters that engage in snappy dialogue and end up in their fair share of violent situations. Oddly enough, the film is directed by Teruo Ishii, the man that is usually credited with keeping the Street Fighter trilogy from being completely worthwhile by mucking up The Street Fighter’s Last Revenge (Five words: “My name’s Chiba…Sonny Chiba!”). With his supposed contempt towards films of this ilk, you would think things would suffer. However, he seems to just sit back and let the fur fly here, with the result being the right balance of breezy comedy & violence comparable to the SF series. All three male leads show plenty of charisma in carrying the pic, though Chiba & Sato are given the lion’s share while Go is given the more comic, schemer role. The backstory for the heroes gives the story an added dimension that is very welcome to a genre that doesn’t exactly revel in those details (or originality; there’s at least one scene that’s VERY reminiscent of The Good, The Bad & The Ugly). There are a few downs, as the villains are no great shakes and the plot really doesn’t go past anything more than “Drug pushers are bad…therefore, they must die!” type or reasoning. However, it’s all about elements coming together in instances like this and they come together in a very fun way in The Executioner. Aside from Chiba’s most famous characterization, this film is arguably the best example of prime escapist Chiba fare.

Body Count/Violence: 36. As stated, the carnage here resembles the first two Street Fighter films, with the results being dialed down just a notch or two. Anyone that doubts that the violence is no where near as potent will probably be lulled quiet right after the moment where Koga reaches at a baddies’ chest, cracks a rib and pulls said rib out of the sucker’s bloody chest! The rest of the film consists of cracked skulls, gouged and popped out eyes, cracked ribs and sternums, broken necks, claw ripping, joint dislocation, ear ripping, car chases, stabbings, shootings and other blood spurting goodies.

Sexuality/Nudity: There are about four instances of female nudity, with most being of the breast and backside variety. The scene with the most sexual/fetishistic connotation has to be when the main villain Mario (Masahiko Tsugawa) orders his drug wench to strip to full nudity in front of a party with his sword. Be careful with that thing is all I have to say! And it is an actual sword, you sickos!

Language/Dialogue: There are spotty obscenities of the mild to strong variety.

How bad was it?:
Most Martial Arts critics hold this in favorable standing with Chiba’s strongest films, while more mainstream critics quibble with the exploitive elements that were rife within the decade this came out. A handful said it out and out sucked, which is telling me they have a hard time sitting back because of the stick up their ass.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Released by Toei Tokyo in Japan on 8/10/74 (about three months before an already completed The Street Fighter would be), The Executioner does not have any budget/box office figures at its apparent disposal. It can be found on DVD or on FliX from time to time.

Film: ***/*****
Entertainment value: ****/*****

Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.

City Ninja

2008-05-22T21:18:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
waits for “Rural Ninja”, starring Gary Busey!

City Ninja

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
What does it say about the current state of Action films when I can find far more entertaining results, online and for free? Don’t get me wrong; I may be a cheapskate but I will pay for something when it is quality. Maybe it’s something within our society, where fast food and short attention spans are the order of the day. It carries over into our entertainment as well. As long as it’s fast and easy to digest, who cares if it’s actually good or not (wait a minute…Arby’s isn’t easy to digest)? And yet, I end up defending a film that has two people screwing each other on an exercise apparatus. Strange how things work, huh?

The Plot, as it was:
Chen Wei Man stars as Wang Lee, a newly crowned boxing champion with more popularity and women than he knows what to do with. He’s in high demand from a businessman, who hires Wang for the purpose of retrieving a valuable necklace that has been floating about since WWII. The necklace is in the possession of some guy named Jimmy, who is also pursued by more lowlifes looking for said necklace. The film also manages to fit in exploding & disappearing ninjas, hand-standing pool players, undersexed Asian women, mud wrestling and more drama than a telenovela. And lots of shower masturbation. And no, I’m not kidding.

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
After viewing City Ninja, I swore to myself that I must have been lobotomized shortly before the start of it. I say this because I thought to myself “There’s no way in hell I could enjoy a movie this lame brained!” My only palpable defense is that this was Guilty Pleasure City all the way. It’s just so cheerfully convoluted and over the top in every way possible that it would be a waste of time to bash it for all of its faults (which are many). The acting, dubbing & editing are all atrocious and the plot stops making sense pretty much after 30 seconds of running time, yet everything’s forgiven with a healthy dose of Kung Fu action and wacky sex. It’s nowhere close to high art and yet, that’s where the charm lies. The flick basically scores on the formula mapping of fight scene-->sex scene-->repeat and there’s no try at being any more epic than that. The two heroes are pretty much interchangeable as far as looks are concerned, which leads to much confusion as to whether you’re watching Wang or Jimmy kick some ass. Frankly, it didn’t matter to me because trying to actually follow the movie would be a mistake. Just sit back, watch some ninjas disappear, some baddies get messed up and a boxing ring be used for anything but. It’s a City Ninja world and we’re all just watching it for free!

Body Count/Violence: 26. The fight scenes are pretty fun and everything’s thrown in at a good clip. We get some bloody shooting near the end, plenty of kung fu fighting, strangling, impaling, billiard ball throwing, pipe thrashing, car mayhem, stabbing, sword slashing, neck breaking and ninja combustion. This may also be the only film I’ve seen where a bad guy is force fed a billiard ball. Seriously, how can you hate on shit like this?

Sexuality/Nudity: If there’s any area City Ninja excels at (and trust me, there aren’t many), it’s in this department. There’s an amazing amount of softcore action within the film, with an equally impressive variety. There are no less than FOUR scenes of female masturbation and three of them take place in the shower! Along with some grinding in a locker room shower, female nudity from all vantages, skimpy lingerie and mud wrestling, we get perhaps the most ludicrous love scene to ever be put on celluloid (and that’s not in a porno). In it, Wang and his honey start screwing in the middle of the boxing ring, then fully nude against a corner post and (best of all) on a rowing exercise machine! Though the movie can be seen here for free, you can’t argue that you don’t get your money’s worth in the gratuitous nudity/sex area.

Language/Dialogue: Just some mild stuff here and there.

How bad was it?:
Not much on the critical front but what I read puts this film in camp classic territory. Actually, the rowing machine puts it in camp classic territory…the reviewers just reiterate that fact.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Distributed by First Films and made in Hong Kong, City Ninja was released in HK on 1/18/85. It grossed $2.2 million in its lone week at the HK cinema and can be seen on DVD in the 50 Movie Pack Martial Arts Collection that I have mentioned previously.

Film: *1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ****1/2/*****

Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.

Return of the Sister Street Fighter

2008-05-21T23:54:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
knows ninja attacks are always successful.

Return of the Sister Street Fighter

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
This would be the third of the four Sister Street Fighter films, as I caught it the other night on FliX (a pretty good source for some occasional 70s Kung Fu fare). This ISN’T the one I referenced in my original review of SSF however, as that plot is far more wacky than this one. Go on, go to IMDB and check it out. I can wait. Done? Ok, I guess some things just easily amuse me more than others.

The Plot, as it was:
Sue Shiomi portrays Koryu, a woman that has to find a little girl’s mother. The woman, named Shurei (Akane Kawasaki), is not only the mistress of wheelchair bound gangster Oh Ryu Mei (Rinichi Yamamoto) but also the chemist that combines gold into acid for his smuggling ring! Oh doesn’t take very well to the fact that Koryu is mucking up his operation so he gathers a gaggle of assassins to handle her, comprised by such entities as a blackface, Japanese/Zulu warrior (!), a cocky manipulator named Takeshi (Yasuaki Kurata) and the flamboyantly dressed Ebikura (Masashi Ishibashi).

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
As long as you don’t go shooting for originality, RotSSF is a fun 77 minutes that wastes no time in giving you your grindhouse fix for the day. Obviously, the seemingly essential film elements (plot, characterization, dialogue, etc.) are in short supply but that leaves more time for the crazy fight scenes and campy fun that made the first one a fun trip. Shiomi is her usual stoic (maybe too stoic, at times) self and makes for one great physical show. Yamamoto is the latest in a long line of Han-inspired villains, complete with workable hand in a fixed, power position! The other bad guys are amusing as well (Ishibashi looks like a cross between a pimp and a Dancing with the Stars extra) and the film’s only real problem is it’s similarity to the first entry. Just a quick hint: they’re all pretty much the same film, albeit with a few changes (Koryu’s just finding a woman instead of a man this time and there’s a cloyingly, cute girl added in). Get past that and you’ll be treated to a perfectly passable timewaster that’s just slightly longer than one of David Caruso’s exasperated opening monotones on CSI:Miami. “Gold with Acid? That’s certainly (takes off glasses)…one interesting trip.” YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Body Count/Violence: 19. Much like SSF, Shiomi doesn’t go for her opponents’ jugular too much. She hits plenty of punches and spinkicks but they only prove to be consistently fatal during the final 10 minutes or so. We’re treated to the requisite shooting, stabbing, sword slashing, flogging, burning (both by fire and acid), bone breaking and so on and so on.

Sexuality/Nudity: Two topless scenes in this one, one in a strip club and another in which Oh works over Shurei’s chest with a feather. It sounds sexy but it’s much creepier when an old guy in a wheelchair with a prosthetic hand is doing it.

Language/Dialogue: Not much, just a few mild obscenities.

How bad was it?:
There’s a little debate amongst the reviews I read as to how this ranks as a sequel. Some have it a step behind the second film (Sister Street Fighter: Hanging by a Thread), while others have it as the best of the three follow ups. Regardless, its still looked at as cheesy fun and doesn’t clearly overflow with praise.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Not sure. Toei Tokyo (producer of all of the Street Fighters, regular and Sister alike) released it in Japan in 1975 and that’s pretty much that. No box office or budget is known and there is no American theatrical release to speak of.

Film: **/*****
Entertainment value: ***1/2/*****

Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.

Ninja Champion

2008-05-21T19:41:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
says Godfrey Ho is a very appropriate name.

Ninja Champion

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
It had to happen this way, eh? I take a sabbatical from writing these and when I come back, the first link I click is for a goddamn Godfrey Ho “film”! That’s like the whole thing about being told not to touch the stove when it’s hot. You just know you’re going to get burned but….bloody hell! Free movie sites, ladies and germs….a gift and a curse.

The Plot, as it was:
Nancy Chang plays Rose, a woman that is beaten and raped during a camping trip. She decides to go all Paula Kersey on each of the rapists, infiltrating the diamond syndicate they are apart of. That conflicts with her Interpol agent husband George (Jack Lam), who is going after said syndicate as well. Oh, and there’s also a twin sister, Richard Harrison (Ninja Dragon) talking on a Garfield phone (no shit, really), George in a Lionel Ritchie jacket and a bunch of ninjas. We know this because it says “ninja” on their headbands. The crack rock was really being passed about here, folks!

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
And I thought Ninja Dragon was dumb! Leave it to Godfrey Ho, master of the “recycled ninja” film genre to top the previous film of his I reviewed for sheer idiocy. There’s no plot to speak of; instead, it’s a series of contrivances and ninja battles that are connected together by the loosest of threads. As with Dragon (and about every other work in Ho’s career), this is because Ho pieces together scenes from unfinished products with random ninja duels in an attempt to resemble a coherent film. This practice is about as successful as ESPN being able to not talk about the New York Yankees for more than five minutes. I’m sure the braintrust felt that adding the diamond smuggling subplot would make the flick more epic but it honestly would have been better as a straight revenge pic. How much better it would have been is certainly arguable but I imagine it wouldn’t have been by much. Sadly, the action isn’t real plentiful and even the surefire, campy ninja duels lack that certain campy charm. Along with some grand continuity errors (watch a woman’s top get ripped off, only to see her escape with a different top on…one that I assume she carries in her purse for occasions such as that) and more plot holes to shake a staff at, Ninja Champion is a sometimes unpleasant, sometimes (unintentionally) hilarious and always confounding work of dumbassery. Did I mention Richard Harrison shows up for all of 30 seconds, while talking on a fucking GARFIELD PHONE?!? Oh well, he wasn’t the only one “phoning it in” here. BAH-ZING!

Body Count/Violence: 17. More baddies are beaten up than killed here, which is a bit disheartening. There are the usual kung fu fights as well as some shooting, stabbing, whipping, drowning, choking, severing of hands, etc. The death is more generic this time around, which is not a good thing for a film this bad.

Sexuality/Nudity: There are a few smatterings of gratuitous nudity here, as Chang provides at least one memorable glimpse of her chest (which leads to an equally memorable death). Along with getting her top yanked off (though she’s wearing a bra), there are a few other sexual scenes that imply more than they show. There’s also a brief shot of a guy’s backside during an attempted removing of his manhood (whew!).

Language/Dialogue: Mild but not overly strong.

How bad was it?:
If you have reviewed this film (trust me; leave it to the professionals...or me), you either deem it as “so bad, it’s good” or “this just sucks”. More seem to head toward the latter.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Ninja Champion was released through IFD Films & Arts Ltd. (dig the Asian version of the Columbia Pictures torchbearer!) in Hong Kong sometime in 1985. You can most likely find it (if you’re that gluttonous for punishment) on the Martial Arts Collection 50 movie pack, which includes many other titles I’ve reviewed.

Film: BOMB/*****
Entertainment value: **/*****

Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.

They Live

2008-04-28T22:41:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
was rowdy before rowdy was cool, man!

They Live

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
Note: I know that most readers will most likely roll their eyes at the anticipation of a “wrestling rant” here but considering the star of the feature being reviewed here, it’s to be expected.

Though it’s laughable to most with enough sense, there is an actual debate among wrestling circles as to which wrestler has been the most successful actor to come out of the industry. Of course, that debate was really fueled by one Terry “Hulk Hogan” Bollea, the most financially successful grappler of the 80s. Now, Bollea’s pretty much an egotistical, delusional hack that believes he single-handedly made the pro wrestling industry the cash cow it was in that era (Truth? WWF owner Vince McMahon was going national, creamed over Hogan’s physique and basically picked the right guy at the right place and the right time to be his star attraction, all while exploiting the newly burgeoning technology of basic cable and increasing popularity of MTV). He also has the misguided notion that his crossover appeal into films gives him the label “movie star”. Because everyone remembers No Holds Barred, right? Suburban Commando? Mr. Nanny? Santa with Muscles? Exactly. Hogan’s whole delusional aura stems back from his cameo as pro wrestler “Thunderlips” in Rocky III. Granted, it was arguably the most memorable sequence in the film but the man has basically ridden his entire “film career” off of the fact that he was once in a top grossing film. What’s my point? That out of all of his cinematic “success”, he has never starred (as in top billing) in a #1 grossing film in America (Bolivia, maybe?). Only two pro wrestlers have that distinction: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and the star of this review’s film…the villain (or heel) many credit with making the start of Hogan’s run so memorable, Roderick “Roddy Piper” Toombs. So, if any Hogan fan boy comes up to you with the whole “Hogan is God” argument, do some research at IMDB or boxofficemojo.com to confirm what I’ve said and spit in their eye for me. Because the next time I do that will be my third strike.

The Plot, as it was:
Piper stars as Nada (as he is known in the credits; he’s not referred to by name at any point during the film), an unemployed drifter that seeks refuge in a homeless commune. He starts to notice strange activity taking place at the church across the street so he checks it out. Nada stumbles onto a box of dark sunglasses but these are not your normal sweatshop manufactured counterfeits. When he puts a pair on, Nada starts to see some people as aliens in disguise and advertising as propaganda being pushed onto the unsuspecting human public (with ads that simply say “CONFORM”, “OBEY”, “CONSUME”, etc.). Nada and his construction worker buddy Frank (Keith David) soon join up with a small band of human resistance and try to find the alien’s secret video control signal before its too late.

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
John Carpenter’s They Live is the tale of two movies and thankfully (for me), they were both very fun and enjoyable. The first half is very much a satire on the era; an indictment of “Reaganomics” and the era of wants vs. needs. This is taken with a slow burn approach as the message of how bad things are for the working class is made abundantly clear before the story starts taking a weirder turn (the downbeat music by Carpenter & Alan Howarth just adds to the sense of dreary oddness in the air). The second half is more like any Sci-Fi alien film one has seen from the 50s, only with more blood and naughty words. Those expecting some of Piper’s patented goofy repartee will be half right in that assumption. Sure, there are the funny ad-libbed zingers (the infamous “bubblegum” line, “Mama don’t like tattletales!” and calling an older looking woman “Formaldehyde face”) and the obvious macho posturing of an action hero but Piper plays a surprising amount of the action with a straight face. He conveys the role of being an outsider well and the audience relates with him discovering the truth as we are. But make no mistake about it; when the film goes all gung ho with action, the Pipes is there to oblige. The fight between he and David has taken on a life of it’s own since the movie was first released and is the definitive highlight (a bit out of place, yes but entertaining nonetheless). Add in appearances by B movies favorites Meg Foster (AHSE) and Buck Flower and the whole retro feel to the B&W alien world and you have a guilty pleasure that’s a notch or two above what you’re used to. So, put the damn glasses on already!

Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- That’s Al Leong (Endo in Lethal Weapon) as the uncredited Asian revolutionary.
- Boxing fans and anyone unfortunate enough to see Rocky V (lucky me, I fit into both categories!) will recognize Tommy Morrison as one of the resistance guys in his first role (though he is also uncredited).

Body Count/Violence: 46 (30 aliens and 16 humans). Nothing fancy here, as “Rowdy” Roddy just blasts away at anything alien with a shotgun or some sort of automatic weaponry. There’s also plenty of shooting during the resistance meeting scene along with a fall through a window and a police beating being thrown in. Speaking of beatings, there’s the much lauded Nada/Frank brawl. For well over five minutes, the two punch, kick, rip, gouge, suplex, slam and choke each other in a fight that never seems like it wants to end. According to legend, Carpenter was only going to have the fight be 20 seconds or so but the two actors planned it to go longer and only pulled punches to the face and groin. Carpenter was obviously impressed and the rest is cinematic history.

Sexuality/Nudity: The only pair of tits is during the flick’s closing shot, as a mid-coitus display is interrupted in the weirdest way possible.

Language/Dialogue: Not constantly strong but it has its moments. I think its fun just to hear Roddy drop the F bomb a few times.

How bad was it?:
Shockingly enough, They Live was not as critically maligned as you would think. Though it was never praised in “high art” standards, many critics appreciated the satire and felt Piper fit the everyman role very well. Some critics couldn’t sit back and have fun with it though (why must I always give the stinkeye to Leonard Maltin?). My favorite argument was that it wasn’t original and was too much like the old 50s “aliens take over the world” pics. Um, wasn’t that the whole fucking point? To have it resemble the older cult classics while referencing the current day’s social ills? Idiots.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
As already mentioned, They Live was #1 when it opened up on 11/4/88. Filmed on a relatively low $4 million, it cleared that its first weekend but just barely with $4.8 million. It had some weak competition to be fair, as the highest profile opener it beat was the documentary U2: Rattle and Hum. It fell back a spot each week for four weeks and finished its run with a gross of $13 million. As you may have guessed, it has developed a healthy cult following since then, even having the big fight scene being parodied on an episode of South Park (with the two crippled kids, Jimmy and Timmy, fighting in a shot by shot recreation).

Film: ***1/2/*****
Entertainment value: *****/*****

Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.

Manhunt (1972)

2008-04-21T20:28:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
knows it’s hard out there for a pimp.

Manhunt (1972)

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
Recent news: Apparently, if you want to fuck with the Olympic torch relay to Beijing, you have to go through Jackie Chan! As mentioned in this article and many others, Chan has gone on record in saying that he will intercept any publicity seekers that are out to interfere with the relay, which has already been beset by many bad incidents. Now, I won’t get into the politics of the matter (short story: protestors hate that China has the 2008 Olympics due to their stance on human rights, or lack thereof) but I think this is pretty kickass. Imagine it: an Action hero acting as such in real life. These types of instances have been few and far between since the renegade days of old H-Wood, where Steve McQueen saved Robert Blake from a ravenous mob by scaring them off with a shotgun or actors leaving to fight in WWII against the Kaiser Permanente. One can only wonder how the world of today would be different if more points of initiative were taken at key points of history. If only Bronson was alive in Ford’s Theater to take out John Wilkes Booth or someone went to ABC Headquarters and stopped them from cancelling Clerks: The Animated Series. Sorry, I just feel really strongly about that show. I mean c-mon…two episodes?

The Plot, as it was:
Mario Adorf portrays Luca Canali, a small time Milan pimp that gets caught up in quite the quandary. Luca is framed for stealing a shipment of heroin headed to New York and now everyone wants him dead for it. Not only is the local Don Vito Tresoldi (Adolfo Celi) out for Luca’s head but so are two American hitmen (Henry Silva and Woody Strode). Unknowing of the reasons for his pursuit and being pushed too far to the limit, Luca fights back and goes for vengeance of his own.

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Oddly enough, when it comes to portrayals of the Italian mafia, very rarely do the mainstream portrayals come from the country itself. The Italian crime dramas of the 70s were more of the exploitive, Grindhouse type fare and although there’s a fair amount gratuitousness in Manhunt (aka La Mala ordina), I can’t imagine that there are many better than it in its genre. The film has a visceral grip on its audience from the very beginning and doesn’t let go through its 93 minute run time. Adorf, a character actor with a most esteemed career in Europe, has a grand presence and is easily the best thing here. His character may have a questionable profession but you can’t help but to like the guy, as he first comes off as a feckless, grinning goofball that cares for his estranged wife and kid. However, he becomes more driven and Adorf’s emotions are squarely on display in this metamorphosis. There is nothing fancy about the action, either: just full on and brutal with no compromise. The car chase during the film’s midsection (seemingly a prerequisite for a 70s Action/thriller) contains equal amounts of emotion and action and is the film’s highlight. Everything else is more uniform, from the plot to the dialogue to the lack of personality in the female characters (I mean, they’re whores, escorts or dancers here so there isn’t much range). Silva and Strode make the most of their performances with their presences and playing off of each others differences (Silva’s the talky lothario, while Strode is the sullen, consummate pro that will bail him out for the sake of business). All in all, the pros weigh out the cons in Manhunt and the ending makes for an exhausting conclusion to a sleazy, fun ride with a surprising heart to it.

Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- Ulli Lommel (who, judging by IMDB ratings, may be the most reviled German director next to Uwe Boll…or Leni Riefenstahl) is a dancer in the club.

Body Count/Violence: 19. Though it doesn’t pile on the corpses like its contemporaries, Manhunt is vicious as the title indicates. There are some shootouts as well as plenty of brawls, car rundowns, cars being dropped onto people, windshield shattering and someone getting a spike in the throat. Along with the aforementioned car chase, there’s also a fair amount of pimp slaps (which is expected, given Luca’s calling in life).

Sexuality/Nudity: There’s tits as far as the eye can see in this film, whether they’re of the dance club or bedroom variety. There are various scenes of the topless variety, with at least one instance of full frontal female nudity taking stage.

Language/Dialogue: Briefly strong at times but not often.

How bad was it?:
As far as Italian made crime dramas go, this gets about the highest of praise in all of the reviews I’ve seen for it. Most of the praise goes to Fernando Di Leo’s direction and Adorf’s performance, as it should.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Being filmed on location in Milan, Manhunt was produced by Cineproduzioni Daunia 70 (among others) and released in Italy on 9/1/72. It was distributed by American International in the U.S. in a dubbed version and released on Halloween of 1973. Look for it on DVD or video under many titles such as Manhunt, Hitmen, Manhunt in the City, The Italian Connection and most odd, Black Kingpin (?).

Film: ***1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ****/*****

Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.

Mad Max

2008-04-17T20:41:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
knew Mel was always a lil’ mad.

Mad Max

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
Funny thing: During the past five years, Mel Gibson’s actions and words have reduced him in the media’s eyes to the moniker of “Mad Mel”, which is also a takeoff on the title of the film reviewed here. When this all started to go down, I was shocked…shocked that no one saw the signs coming before! Aside from diseases that no one can really cure (alcoholism, bipolar disorder) and a highly publicized father with questionable leanings (Mel once said, “My dad taught me my faith, and I believe what he taught me. The man never lied to me in his life.” Yes, and the Holocaust never happened like your Dad said. Big fakers!), his career has basically been one, big drawn out bloodbath after another that started even before the monstrously criticized The Passion of the Christ. The Lethal Weapon films show his Martin Riggs to be almost an extension of himself; a passionate, whacked out loony that has a martyr complex. Sure, the man has done his “lite fare” (Bird on a Wire, What Women Want, etc.) but that’s because he knows where the money is, like a stock broker banging out big deals so he has the funds for the coke & whores later on. The Mel I will always remember is the one that had deficiencies (The Man Without a Face) or with a cross to bear, figuratively I mean (Braveheart, The Patriot). And the “martyr complex” always seems to be in play, whether its being stretched on the rack in Braveheart or throwing his and Gary Sinise’s bloody carcasses through windows in Ransom. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if Mel didn’t want to take Jim Caveizel’s place on the cross or in taking the cat o’ nine tails to the lower lumbar. And where did it all start? Why, in the land of Yahoo Serious and Outback Jack, of course!

The Plot, as it was:
Mad Mel is Max Rockatansky, an Australian highway patrolman that scours the country’s desolate roads in the not so distant, dystopian future. During a high speed chase, Max takes out an associate of a biker gang that’s headed up by the eccentric Toecutter (Hugh Keays-Byrne). The gang, when they aren’t terrorizing other motorists or townspeople, focuses their intentions on Max. After killing his partner Goose (Steve Bisley), Toecutter and his boys target Max and his wife Jessie (Joanne Samuel) & kid. What's Aussie for “wrong move, assholes!”?

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
From the crazy opening chase to the inevitable, grisly finale, Mad Max is just like one of the many muscle cars (or “interceptors”) on screen. Its powerful, brutal, unsettling to the unsuspecting and ultimately rousing entertainment. Writer/Director George Miller paints a portrait of the outback as a place time forgot; droll townspeople that are hopeless and lacking anything on the horizon, which leads some (the gang) to embrace carnage as their savior. Max’s superior Macaffee’s (Roger Ward) echoing of the public’s statement “People don’t believe in heroes anymore” puts Max in the role of the Old West gunslinger that’s ready to rid the town of evil. That description certainly makes the viewer aware that this isn’t anything new, story-wise. What sets this apart from other revenge fare is the unending air of meanness that surrounds the film, as the ending shot basically insists Max is riding off to his next kill; never to come back to normal society or experience total catharsis. This is greatly realized by Gibson (23 and fresh faced) as he runs though the gamut of emotions that us Yanks would see in greater numbers in the Lethal Weapon series, only there’s no comic tone to his descent here. The other memorable performance is by Keays-Byrne, who has a certain inflection or twist to nearly every line he mouths. He looks as if not only time forgot him but society as well, as his scraggly dress makes for a great contrast to his Machiavellian personality (he also resembles star wrestling heel Raven. Google it!). I only wish more was done with his performance, as more focus is seemingly put on his right hand man Johnny the Boy (Tim Burns). To use another wrestling comparison, it’s like booking a feud between Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair and deciding to focus more on Arn Anderson as the enemy (grappling fans will get what I mean). Aside from those odd character directions and being a bit dated looking, Mad Max is one weird, vicious ride that has enough action and atmosphere to make it more entertaining than its megabuck counterparts of today.

Body Count/Violence: 11. Though not an overly bloody spectacle, Mad Max has a mean streak in it almost second to none. The many car chases provide several spectacular crashes, which were actually done with decommissioned police vehicles to keep the budget down! Along with the nasty results of said damage, we also see bloody shooting, explosions, people being burned alive, people run down or dragged behind by motorcycles, vehicles run off the roads, etc. The best has to be when Max explains the best way to get out of handcuffs using a hacksaw (it’s not the best case scenario).

Sexuality/Nudity: We see a couple cavorting in a field from very far off, so anything seen is blurred. There’s also a guy running through a cornfield with his bare ass visible (aka my Saturday nights).

Language/Dialogue: Very little of it, though some of it may by Aussie terms that I’m not familiar with.

How bad was it?:
A lot of people consider this the film to popularize the whole “post apocalyptic biker” genre so it’s generally looked at very favorably. I’d say it’s about as universally revered as you can get, with Sci-Fi/Action critics heaping more than the usual praise.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Mad Max had an interesting box office history going for it, proving once again that sometimes American studios are the last ones at the dinner table. Roadshow Entertainment released the film in Australia on 4/12/79, with it sporting a budget of merely $350,000! It would make 5.6 AUD in its homeland and would get a limited run in America a year later when it debuted in New York City on 6/13/80 under the American International banner. It finished its American run with a gross of $8.8 million and that seemed to be that. However, Warner Bros. took a gamble and bought rights to market the sequel The Road Warrior in 1981. The success of that film ultimately led Mad Max to gross $100 million worldwide by the end of 1982 and receive a re-release in America on 5/13/83. Of course, the American releases initially dubbed most of the Aussie audio track over with more Americanized voices (including Gibson, who’s star didn’t really rise up worldwide until after The Road Warrior) and replaced a lot of the lingo. Thankfully, MGM re-re-released the film in 2000 for a limited time with its original Australian audio track intact (note: The “Special Edition” DVD from MGM includes both audio tracks as options).

Film: ****/*****
Entertainment value: *****/*****

Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.

Hard Bounty

2008-04-14T18:57:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
has something in his eye. No, wait…I’m supposed to because it’s a Spaghetti Western.

Hard Bounty

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
Nothing much new to update, other than TAM is officially part of the MySpace conspire…err, web universe. Visit that page here and see if you want to join the all important, status affirming, friend’s list! Together, we can make this world a more action film conscious one…or celebrate the emergence of the erotic, faux-“Spaghetti” Western! Because that’s one sub-genre you have just been dying to see materialize.

The Plot, as it was:
Matt McCoy (The Hand That Rocks the Cradle, Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach) stars as Kanning, a cold bounty hunter who’s only moments of peace come when he stops by the town saloon to visit Donnie (Kelly LeBrock), the leader of a pack of prostitutes that ply their trade there. Something from Kanning’s past is haunting him and it rides into town in the form of Carver (John Terlesky), a ruthless hired gun that is in charge of clearing land for his railroad company employers (though he uses more force than his boss cares for). When one of the whores ends up dead by Carver’s hands, Kanning, Donnie and her buxom brood stand up against Carver and his henchman in the requisite “high noon” shootout.

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
For those keeping track, its Bad Girls meets High Noon meets a Playboy shoot but hell, it strangely works in small doses. Corman disciple Jim Wynorski makes the most of his sparse sets and budget though it shows through in a few ways (very little blood in the kills, for example). Wynorski’s smart in the sense that when the story starts to lag, he just slaps in a nude scene or two to keep the viewer awake until the next lull arrives (and this was written by a woman, oddly enough). McCoy does a fair Eastwood imitation though it doesn’t go far past the obvious inspiration. LeBrock makes a nice complement to McCoy with her passionate exterior and has far better delivery than the three “actresses” that accompany her (to be fair, I’m sure the roles they get don’t require delivery to be the main thing to look for). It doesn’t take a Baby Einstein to figure out that there’s nothing new here and whether or not you make it to the predictable conclusion may depend on how well you take to the snappy innuendos (“They ain’t gonna bite, kid…that costs extra.”), fake tits and cheap surroundings. It may work on a rainy day and it may not be the worst of its kind but don’t take that as the most ringing of endorsements.

Body Count/Violence: 35. Only one of the many shootings in the film has any blood in it so don’t go looking for any fine, technical mastery behind the violence here. It’s all shooting all the time though there is a strangling via a belt in there as well.

Sexuality/Nudity: If this movie had a whore’s name, it’d be “Tits McGee”! Softcore/direct to video vets Kimberly Kelley, Rochelle Swanson and Felicity Waterman all bare their ample assets in several scenes of undress. Funny…women must have had great plastic surgeons in the Old West judging by the fake tittery on display. LeBrock, being the “name” actress here, shows nothing but does strut around in many a lacy lingerie set. Though there are many topless scenes, only a few have prolonged sexuality going on.

Language/Dialogue: None.

How bad was it?:
Not many reviews about this but they all seem pretty mixed. If you follow the venerable Joe Bob Briggs’ review and just keep your tongue firmly in your cheek, you’ll find it more favorable.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Sunset Films International produced this and it was released sometime in 1995. Not much else to go by, really.

Film: **/*****
Entertainment value: ***1/2/*****

Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.

The Action Mutant presents...Our favorite Action films turned into Video Games (and the franchises that weren't)!

2008-04-09T18:25:00.000-07:00

In writing about these films and looking up stuff about them, you tend to find some things that are pretty "out there". One of these things that I'm very thankful I have stumbled onto are the plethora of video game clips on Youtube. Seeing that VGs are supposedly our #2 purveyors of mindless violence, it would only be right that they are so closely linked to the entity at the top spot...Action Films!

Now, I don't believe that video games turned into films work. I have a theory for that but I would like to save it for another time. Films that are eventually converted into some sort of video game have turned in mixed results, namely because of the same things that happen when a filmmaker decides to do a film about a comic book. "He doesn't use that gun in the comic!" "In one frame, his tights are fuscha but his tights are magenta in the comic!" "I know all of this shit and yet...I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO READ!" Either that or the game has really shitty graphics, shitty gameplay and is...well, just shitty. In this TAM special, I'll bring up a few examples of the video game exploits from the films I reviewed and whether they're worth going on ebay for a cheap copy.

Jackie Chan's Action Kung Fu
Produced by HudsonSoft
Released by Nintendo; December 1990.

I knew NOTHING of this gem before two months ago, which I found surprising and disappointing. Despite being unknown in America (aside from two failed vehicles and the two Cannonball Run films), Jackie got a game released by Nintendo though its not as surprising as you would think considering Jackie's popularity in Asia. This looks and plays like a low rent Super Mario Bros. but the graphics aren't horrible for their 8 bit trappings. They even have Jackie saving his sister for the game's plot, which is fairly similar to Mario saving the Princess. The game seems to have Jackie kicking a lot of enemies, ranging from frogs to swordsmen to TIGERS! Now, that's hardcore! Chan only kicks and punches for his offense but it looks like a fun play. Boo to the bonus level though, which just consists of Jackie jumping clouds in an effort to pick up points for the most consecutive number of clouds jumped. (***/*****)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PBS48gjT9c
There's even a totally, bitchin' 90s commercial!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mx3OzWLB_Eo

Dick Tracy
Produced by Bandai America
Released by Nintendo in 1990.

I was all over this game back in the day, when I was obsessed with pretty much anything from the Tracy movie. Obviously, the big media campaign worked on a lot of us! This was a fair, little game that had some good gameplay and a good premise as well (Tracy has to solve a case for each stage by picking up clues at different buildings). Along the way, he punches and shoots his way through baddies (sometimes using a Super Punch boxing glove to send enemies spinning! Badass I know, right?). The colors are good, though a bit muted (but anything would be compared to the film) and the the music is pretty neat. The only problem is with the navigation through the city, as most of the deaths while playing as Tracy come from trashing the car or ditching it into a pier because the high speed chases are near impossible to pull off at first. (***1/2/*****)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mf8S53gQ7w0

Lethal Weapon
Produced by Ocean
Released by Nintendo in 1992.

Yes, about 5 years after the original LW came out, a game based on the film was put out in conjunction with the release of the third one in the series. The game has three missions and both Riggs and Murtaugh are playable characters, shooting at everyone from guerillas to somersaulting ninjas! There's nothing terribly remarkable about the game from the video I saw, other than Riggs turning completely white when gaining a power up and becoming invincible. This actually reminded me of another one of my fav NES games growing up, P.O.W.: Prisoners of War...except that game kicked ass. (**/*****)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d0e_iXxYC4U

Robocop
Produced by Data East; Ocean
Released by Nintendo in 1989, Commodore 64 in 1987.

The steel server of the public seemed to be tailor made for a video game run and Nintendo knew this, making games based on all three of the films (as well as Robocop vs. The Terminator!). One big turkey shoot unfolds, as Robo strolls through the city streets and plugs bad guys running at him, jumping out from behind him or shooting from windows. Robo even goes back to the firing range for "recalibration" when his destruction percentage goes down! The one fucked up thing? Robo shoots dogs! Honest to God guard dogs and Robo mows them down like the rest! What's his major malfunction? Unfortunately, all of the villains are generic (except ED-209) and Clarence Boddicker does not show up to inform us that the Tigers are playing (TO-NIGHT!) and that he never misses a game. The better looking game though seems to be the Commodore 64 version put out the same year as the film, though its essentially the same game that the Nintendo game would become. Dig that music, too! (***1/2/*****)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BbMfCpD8gk4

Death Wish 3
Produced by Gremlin Graphics Software
Released by Commodore 64 in 1987.

Nintendo never had the nuts to release a Death Wish game but the underrated C64 put out this little known nugget. And what a violent nugget it is! The game has Paul Kersey run through the streets and (much like the frenetic finale of DW 3) blast criminals into bloody piles of goo. And that holds quite literally here, as the bad guys are actually shot into bloody heaps by Kersey's trusty shotgun and/or pistol. When the bad guys are too close, Kersey just uses the gun to beat his victims into said piles of goo. The baddies are even lured into the ambushes by hookers hiking their pixelated skirts up (how GTA-ish). The only qualm I find is that once Kersey loses his ammo, he is rousted by police. The man was adept with his fists too, you know! (****/*****)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sjkf9ApMjyU

I'm sure I'll uncover more rare and hilarious finds in the future, so this irregular column will show up again for sure!

Joe Burrows

No Contest II: Access Denied

2008-04-03T19:41:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
doesn’t know what to do when Shannon Tweed doesn’t get naked.

No Contest II: Access Denied

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
Every red blooded male knows the name Shannon Tweed by now. Those that only know of her as Gene Simmons’ current woman (risky proposition, considering his crotch has more DNA on it that a dollar bill) may not be aware that she was once the queen of the direct to video/erotic thriller. You know, it’s not quite a porno but it’s not quite a movie you can take seriously, either. She was in about 50 of those during the 90s and you could almost be sure that Ms. Tweed would doff her clothing at least three times during the course of whatever film she was in. Almost…

The Plot, as it was:
Tweed is Sharon Bell (the former Miss Galaxy turned hostess, turned terrorist dispatcher in the original No Contest), an action film actress visiting her sister (Jayne Heitmeyer) at the upscale art gallery she works at. Sharon’s film crew, led by director Jack Terry (Bruce Payne), drop by to scout the location for their next shoot. Everything’s interrupted when faux art dealer Erich Dengler (Lance Henriksen) and his team storm the place and take it under control. They want to smuggle Nazi nerve gas out of the museum that is hidden in a statue Dengler imported in. Of course, Sharon escapes from the rest and becomes Jane McClane and takes out Dengler’s crew one by one. Can she be stopped? Can she and her estranged sister work together? Why is she still in clothing?

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Just to get it out of the way…Shannon Tweed does not get naked. Not even close. Though that will cement about 90% of your opinions, No Contest II is still kinda, sorta viewable in a “its 2 a.m. and it’s either this or the infomercial on the Ron Propeil grills” kind of way. It’s totally dumb, far fetched escapist fare that thankfully doesn’t go on too long (87 minutes) and at least has the benefit of good casting on its side. Tweed works on a tongue in cheek level and it’s nice to have Payne as a good guy for once. It takes everyone about ten seconds to realize THE Henriksen is the villain of the piece but he’s on target as usual, turning the normal bad guy soliloquy into artful prose. He’s easily the best part of the film, which is basically “Die Hard in an art museum” and complete with all of the usual clichés (villains that are too chatty, everyone becomes MacGyver, etc.). If you’re not excited by that prospect, you may want to move on though it’s not the worst of its kind.

Body Count/Violence: 9. Despite its low budget, No Contest II does dispatch of its characters pretty well. We’re talking impaling, electrocution, slit throats, beatings, flesh melting gas, dart shots, and just straight out shooting. THE Henriksen may also be the world’s best acting critic…ever! You’ll see.

Sexuality/Nudity: None. Tweed gets her skirt pulled off but she’s wearing black opaque tights so if you want to see what made her famous, rent one of the 250 “erotic thrillers” she’s done.

Language/Dialogue: Kind of strong at times.

How bad was it?:
It’s a low budget, Die Hard rip off, so it’s not going to be a critical darling by any standards. The few reviews I read put it as just “ok”.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Norstar Entertainment, purveyor of many a Canadian B movie, released No Contest II on video in America on 2/17/98.

Film: *1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ***/*****

Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.

Cold Sweat (1970)

2008-04-03T14:02:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
says “Jeezy Creezy! What’s going on here?”

Cold Sweat (1970)

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
I know this is what everyone (and I) has been waiting for…more Bronson! The lack of Old Stoneface can be explained by the fact that I watched most of the Bronson stuff I have before I launched these writings. As I mentioned a while back, he was kind of the inspirations for these writings and you’d probably be right in guessing I have a slight bias toward him. Now I can tell the shit from the shineola most of the time but when it comes to Charlie, I’m more apt to watch it all the way through than most other star’s pics. Take it from someone that wrote their Film History paper on Charles Bronson in college.

The Plot, as it was:
Bronson stars as Joe Moran, a guy who rents boats out on the harbors of France and lives the good life with his wife Fabienne (Liv Ullmann) and daughter Michele (Yannick de Lulle). Their tranquility is interrupted when a group of criminals from Joe’s past show up. Years ago, Joe was Joe Martin, soldier and getaway driver for the crooked soldiers during a robbery. However, when one of them killed a guard, Joe ditched them and they were all arrested. Led by the corrupt Capt. Ross (James Mason), the gang blackmails Joe by kidnapping his family and prompting him into doing one more job. However, we all know that Joe Bron…I mean, Moran doesn’t play by normal people’s rules.

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Cold Sweat is a tight, compact kind of film. Like many of Bronson’s vehicles, it’s not entirely memorable but it doesn’t overstay its welcome either. Charlie actually gets to act a good deal in this one, displaying that unmistakable charisma with a natural delivery in some solid, emotional situations. Another aspect that will strike viewers’ interest is the casting oddities that are sprinkled throughout. You won’t see another film out there that has James Mason as a military captain with a Southern accent, Jill Ireland as a kooky hippie and Ingmar Bergman muse Liv Ullmann as a housewife opposite Charles Bronson! Those amusing turns alone make for an interesting curio, even if the rest of the film is right on the line. The story is nothing new and the pacing does get a bit slowed at times, not to mention a few errors in plotting. Nevertheless, Cold Sweat is entertaining for the most part and builds to a pretty decent end with some good, tense scenes. Occasional James Bond & Bronson director Terrence Young also brings out the best of his French locales and odd atmosphere. And did I mention JAMES FUCKING MASON SPEAKING IN A SOUTHERN ACCENT? Why are you still reading this then?

Body Count/Violence: 5. There was some initial confusion with the number, as Joe seemingly offs two mobsters only for them to return a few scenes later. That’s one thing later Bronson films would correct; any confusion as to who was dead. Anyway, there’s some bloody shooting, stabbing, fighting, flare gun play, and one of those 70s car chases that goes one for about 10 minutes and causes some vehicular mishaps.

Sexuality/Nudity: A woman is shown briefly topless in an early scene. There’s also special mention of the seemingly constant up skirt shots of de Lulle, as the DoP seems to take full advantage of showing the panties of a supposedly 12 year old girl.

Language/Dialogue: Just mild stuff. No taking advantage of the language in the pre-PG-13 era.

How bad was it?:
Most critics put it on par with any run of the mill Bronson pic, which is to say it has its share or bad reviews. Some find it favorable, as most of Bronson’s European efforts were.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
French distributors produced Cold Sweat (or De la part des copains) in 1970 and it was released in that country in December of that year. It was released in America by Emerson Film Enterprises in June of 1974, roughly a month before Death Wish hit theaters. No box office/budget numbers are known but this one is fairly easy to find and a favorite of the $1 DVD type.

Film: **1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ***1/2/*****

Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.

Money Train

2008-03-30T21:37:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
thinks this film should have been used for Robert Blake’s insanity defense.

Money Train

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
So, you’re a film producer that just saw Harrelson and Snipes rake it in big in White Men Can’t Jump. You know that getting them into another film vehicle while this one is still fresh in people’s minds is imperative for the bottom line. So, a film is conceived that brings both actors together and puts them in fairly wacky situations. Hell, you even put in another spunky Latina (Rosie Perez then; Jennifer Lopez now) into the mix! And you get a character actor for credibility named Robert Blake, because you know he’ll always be of stable mind and never flake out at anytime. Sounds like a winner to me, right….right?

The Plot, as it was:
Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson play John and Charlie, two NYC transit cops that are also brothers…through adoption, of course. John is the straight laced one, who is often bailing Charlie out of jams that mainly have to do with large gambling debts to the mob. When they aren’t trying to bring down an arsonist (Chris Cooper) that sets fire to subway ticket booths, they’re fighting over the affections of a new officer named Grace (Lopez). However, Charlie thinks everything will work out fine when he figures out a plan for him and John to rip off the “money train”, the train that picks up the daily haul of subway tokens in NYC and takes them to their final stop. However, they have to do it under the watch of Donald Patterson (Blake), the train’s surly supervisor that could care less about the two or anyone else that messes with his train!

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
I’m sure some reviewer out there has used the phrase “token entertainment” when it comes to describing Money Train. In other words, it is being offered to the consumer as a symbol of entertainment in its leanest of forms, with very little substance to accompany it. You know what the sad part is? It barely even qualifies as THAT! Anyone expecting an immense amount of laughs from the star duo and an equal amount of action from the movie will be disappointed on both grounds. Though both share a few amusing moments, each scene with Wesley & Woody seems to follow the same dialogue. “Charlie, how could you fuck up again?” “I know, John…I’m a fuck up.” “Yeah, but we’re brothers, right?” “Yeah, we’re brothers alright!” And someone will come up and say “But you two look nothing alike!” and we’re supposed to have a hearty laugh. The thing is this goes on for almost ¾ of the film’s duration, as the two stars’ charisma can only carry the film so far. Aside from some confrontations with Cooper’s Torch character (which made this film much more controversial than it deserved to be when some kook imitated the Torch’s screen actions to deadly results), there’s no train action to speak of and the process of robbing said “money train” isn’t tackled until close to the 90 minute mark. Until then, the audience is just treated to one tired situation after another with only some loosely connected plot to connect it along. Lopez adds nothing more than another adaptation of the spunky Latina persona she would carry into film and music. Blake is all fun snarl and piss, chewing up the scenery and ready to spit it out like bile. His distinction as the villain is sketchy at best because it is at its most manufactured. Charlie and John’s decisions in the finale directly puts hundreds of people’s lives at stake (due to their own greed, or wanting to dig their way out of the working class drudges, as it’s passed off as), yet Patterson is the default villain simply because he declares he doesn’t care if anyone dies in his efforts to stop the train robbery. Sure, he’s a souring, dickish hardass that has an unhealthy obsession with his work but he wouldn’t have made the comments had the robbery not commenced in the first place. In other words, a better screenplay would have crafted a better story and made a more credible villain, instead of the manufactured laziness brought about by the need for sheer profitability. Well, at least the train crash was nice.

Body Count/Violence: 3. The number is low because the action only shows up a few more times than that. We’re mostly talking fistfights between the two leads, though Snipes does mess up some mobsters and puts one through a window in one scene. There’s also some shooting, people being set on fire and/or being run down by trains and the aforementioned train wreck finale, which not only looks great but encapsulates what the flick is in one fell swoop.

Sexuality/Nudity: Lopez shows her breasts in a sex scene, which also showcases Snipes hard, chocolate build (no, I’m not gay but ask any guy who their “man crush” is and I’m sure Wesley Snipes is in most of their top 5s.). And no, she does not show the voluptuous ass that helped her career out more than any other ass in history. There’s also a scene in a strip club with gals in pretty skimpy outfits.

Language/Dialogue: Pretty strong, or as the MPAA puts it, “pervasive”.

How bad was it?:
About 80% of the reviews I read thoroughly trashed it, mentioning everything from it not being original, engrossing or even funny. The funniest criticism may have come from Blake himself on The Late Late Show with Tom Snyder on 7/8/98. He stated, “I’ll never do a ‘Money Train’ again…what an epic! ‘Oh, where’s Mr. Blake?...get him in an hour and a half so he can do 30 seconds of footage!” And that statement certainly had nothing to do with ego, as he earlier claimed “I don’t need a (audition) tape. If you want my picture, let a photographer take a picture of horse manure”. Priceless.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
This is where it gets fun. Produced and distributed by Columbia Pictures for a budget of $68 million, Money Train opened on 11/24/95 disastrously in 4th place with $10.6 million. It had the displeasure of not only going against the newly opening Toy Story but against fairly new performers GoldenEye and Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls. It finished in the same position the next weekend and finished the year barely in the top 20. The film finished its run with a paltry gross of $35.4 million, probably leaving Robert Blake hoping Tony Musante would have gotten his role in the film instead.

Film: *1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ***/*****

Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.

Urban Justice

2008-03-27T21:40:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
would hate to call himself Seagal’s dietician.

Urban Justice

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
In looking over Steven Seagal’s IMDB page recently, I was reminded of the fact that he is a vegetarian. As Jim Rome would say…”He’s a vegetarian…allegedly”. I mean, he could be; nothing’s totally out of question. All I’m saying is that must by a hell of a lot of tofu and French fried potaters going into the man on a regular basis. In seeing one of the big man’s latest direct to DVD opuses, it was a little depressing to see him wheeze and lumber through his scenes. It’s also made more depressing by the fact that Seagal’s current state resembles the state of Action films that we once knew. Just direct to DVD fodder that doesn’t get a second look because people would rather play with shinier looking toys. Hopefully, everyone’s favorite wrist snapper will be back in theaters soon, flaunting his chunky physique and equally heavy persona. As an aside, he does have a role in The Onion Movie (whenever it comes out) entitled “Cock Puncher”. How apropos!

The Plot, as it was:
Seagal is Simon Ballister, a man brought out of hiding to attend the funeral of his son. The younger Ballister was a cop that was gunned down in a drive by some gang bangers so Papa decides to return to his old neighborhood to do some interrogating. Of course, Simon’s version of questioning involves lots of busted heads and balls, which raises the ire of gang leader Armand (Eddie Griffith). However, Simon won’t stop until he finds the people responsible, even if it’s not who it seems.

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
The first thing noticeable about Urban Justice is Seagal’s current stature. Unless you have been under a substantially sized rock for the past five years or so, you know that Seagal has packed on the poundage. This has led to our hero’s fight scenes being shot a bit differently than before. Whereas the earlier efforts showed the fights in a wide scope with every action on display, director Don E. Fauntleroy (now THAT’S a name!) films them with fast cuts and more close ups on the blows themselves. In other words, because of the quick editing, you don’t see Seagal move very much because…well, it’s not 1990 anymore. This device leaves the fights with very little impact and they lack the visceral punch that Seagal’s earlier stuff used to have. Other than the obvious (familiar story, cardboard characters, etc.), there’s also Seagal’s “urban” accent that is employed throughout. Usually, he doesn’t have to put much effort into sounding tough or streetwise but then again he’s usually in a Northeastern setting. Set in L.A., Seagal tries to talk the West Coast version of “street” and it comes off more like old time grappler Dusty Rhodes, without the trademark lisp (make a drinking game of every time Simon yells “Who killed my sonnnnnnnnn!”). It’s a little embarrassing but it does bring the viewer back to the notion that this flick is closer to an original Seagal romp than his last few DtoDVD films have been. The second half offers up more time for the big guy to move around and do some of his trademark hell-raising, which manages to liven things up enough for a viewable (if familiar) conclusion. In addition, his character isn’t a Superman-like cop/agent or anything so his physical limitations actually ground the character and just makes him an asskicker on a mission. Along with an occasionally amusing turn by Griffith, you have a passable 96 minute time killer that feels like a time warp that you may find welcome (or not).

Body Count/Violence: 38. Jesus Christ Supercop, the blood that is in this flick! The squibs are about the bloodiest I’ve seen since I reviewed State of Grace, as they resemble someone getting a cannon-full of Kool Aid shot out of their ribcage. It goes without saying that mostly everyone is taken out by gunfire, mainly from Stevie’s pistol or sniper rifle. Our slower, meatier hero doesn’t get into many prolonged scuffles to start out (with the editing mentioned before) but the finale should bring a warmness to any fan’s heart. Its old school Seagal as he mixes the artillery with knives to the neck, neck snapping, limb twisting, tosses through furniture and walls, etc. This film may also contain the most kicks to the balls in a Seagal effort in quite some time.

Sexuality/Nudity: There are two lingerie clad beauties at Armand’s palace but there’s not much else.

Language/Dialogue: Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if someone told me 70% of the script contained Fs, MFs, F’n MF’rs, F you up your mom’s A with a spiked D…you catch my drift. It’s all pretty constant, with my favorite line coming from Seagal after store clerk Alice (Carmen Serano) tells him he’s just as bad as the gang bangers: “No…I’m a lot fuckin’ worse!”

How bad was it?:
If you read a critic that doesn’t like Seagal’s movies (i.e. about 98% of them), then most likely they have a negative review for this as well. Action critics seem to be mixed on whether this is one of the better of his recent tales.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Once considered a candidate for a theatrical release by Screen Gems, Urban Justice was made on a $12 million budget and released on DVD by Sony Pictures Home Entertainment on 11/13/07. It debuted 34th on the DVD rental charts that week, clearing $1.1 million (in comparison, Shrek the Third cleared $10 million more). It was last seen on the Top 50 DVD Rental chart two weeks later, with a total gross of $2.7 million. Needless to say, it may take a while to clear a profit in America though the foreign markets will most likely take care of that.

Film: **/*****
Entertainment value: ***1/2/*****

Copyright 2008 The Action Mutant.

True Romance (Unrated Director's Cut)

2008-03-27T21:33:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
says Cheaters is the greatest show in existence!

True Romance

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
You know how people get all indignant when an artist covers a song they think has no business being covered? Funny thing is that it never stops anyone from trying. The Beatles’ “Yesterday” is the most covered pop song of all time, the works of Shakespeare have been constantly reworked and Gus Van Sant still managed to get work after his 1998 carbon copy of Psycho. Such is the director Tony Scott, an auteur who has sailed the range from slightly praised (Man on Fire) to maligned (Domino) to wildly over-praised (Top Gun…Gayest…Movie…EVER!). So, were things fine with everyone when the man that used to reside in Ridley Scott’s shadow directed the script of who would soon become the hottest Hollywood entity in ages? Well, the fact that the Quentin Tarantino penned True Romance is still talked about to this day kind of shows it has stood the test of time.

The Plot, As It Was:
Christian Slater (remember that guy?) plays Clarence Worley, a hapless Detroit comic book store clerk who gets the ultimate birthday present: a hooker named Alabama who looks like Patricia Arquette (played by…Patricia Arquette!). Despite the odd convergence, the two fall in love and get married literally days later. In cutting off all of Alabama’s old ties, Clarence is mentored by the image of Elvis (Val Kilmer!) to go kill Alabama’s scummy pimp Drexl (Gary Oldman). After blowing Drexl away, Clarence accidentally grabs a suitcase with $500,000 worth of coke in it. The couple decides to drive out to Hollywood to sell the coke for cheap, using a clueless actor wannabe (Michael Rapaport) and his friend (Bronson Pinchot) as the links to an abrasive producer (Saul Rubinek). However, their tracks aren’t well covered and they are pursued by the mob and the police, culminating in the requisite bloody finale.

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
I tend to be a bit Tarantino biased, since Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction were very influential in formulating my view of how far film could go. He may have been (rightly at times) raked over the coals many a time since then and his style may have been copied more times than the Pamela/Tommy sex tape but one cannot deny that he knows how to milk cinema’s conventions to its max. Even though he didn’t direct his work (he sold the script to help finance Reservoir Dogs), Tony Scott manages to form this film into quality, balls out entertainment. Everyone is on their game and giving a performance that is distinctively different from the next. Slater and Arquette make a great duo and lead a monstrous cast, including Dennis Hopper as Clarence’s dad, Christopher Walken as a mob boss, Rubinek as the film producer, Chris Penn & Tom Sizemore as two volatile cops and Brad Pitt as the ultimate “guy on the couch”. Oldman does another great chameleon act as Drexl, as he goes far with his accent and sleazy look in such a short amount of screen time. The film is populated by several memorable scenes (who have not attempted memorizing that verbal sparring match between Walken and Hopper?) and an undercurrent of retro-weirdness that may be just what you’re looking for (or it may turn you off, who knows?). On the down slope, the story is nothing new and one could argue that Scott over-slicked things a bit much (which is the risk run when your story gets sold). However, TR scores on sheer entertainment value, even if it’s not for all tastes.

Character/Supporting Actor Sighting!:
- Michael Beach (TV’s Third Watch) plays the black policeman during the final shootout.
- Though he’s not credited, hall of fame action heavy Ed Lauter plays the police captain.
- Jack Black appears in a deleted scene as a movie theater attendant (check the DVD for that one).

Body Count/Violence: 21. Everyone is shot to death in spectacular, blood splattering fashion (and often in slo-mo). The film isn’t consistently violent but gets very brutal when the time comes. Drexl’s dispatching and the Walken/Hopper scene are pretty gory but the scene that gets buried into my mind every time is the no holds barred bloodbath between Alabama and the ice cold hitman Virgil (James Gandolfini).

For the better part of five minutes, Virgil pummels Alabama mercilessly into a bloody mess. After throwing her through a plate glass shower curtain, she fights back and ultimately kills Virgil after setting him on fire, stabbing him in the spine with a wine bottle opener and shooting him repeatedly with his own shotgun. I point this scene out because this one lingers on the carnage for quite sometime, which makes it pretty disturbing. What’s even more disturbing is what the MPAA objected to, as it wasn’t so much Virgil’s beating of Alabama as it was her revenge (not quoting exactly but I believe they said they felt it turned her into “too much of a savage”). How fucked up is THAT?!? My guess is that the MPAA’s collective cock shrunk at the sight of a woman employing her own revenge. Utter ridiculousness.

Sexuality/Nudity: Slater and Arquette have a sex scene near the start, where her breasts and his butt are briefly glimpsed. They also do the nasty in a telephone booth and though nothing is seen, it’s implied pretty roughly. Arquette dresses in some pretty revealing outfits, like any self respecting movie hooker does.

Language/Dialogue: According to IMDB, the F bomb is dropped a good 225 times, so it’s safe to say its Tarantino’s script. There’s a bunch of other language as well, both profane and sexual (like when Sam Jackson says “pussy” seemingly ten times in one sentence). And NO ONE says “cocksucker” quite like Saul Rubinek!

How bad was it?:
Much like one of its inspirations (Bonnie and Clyde), TR wasn’t praised by critics initially. Of course, Tarantino became the hottest thing in H-Wood and, within a few years, many who had originally panned it were suddenly kissing QT’s ass and saying it is his great lost work. Most reviews still remain mixed and some don’t like just because the man himself is not at the helm, which I feel is a great mistake.

Did it make the studio’s day?:
Warner Bros. had the temerity to release TR on 9/10/93, one week after its blockbuster The Fugitive brought in $17.2 million its opening weekend. It debuted in 4th and never really had a chance after that, slipping down into 11th before being taken out to pasture. Made on a $12 million budget, TR barely equaled its cost in its original run, though it has been quite the video seller since Tarantino’s name grew.

Film: ****/*****
Entertainment value: *****/*****

Copyright 2007 The Action Mutant.

Tripfall

2008-03-27T21:30:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
lives to inform people about absolute dreck like this!

TripFall

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
Funny anecdote time: In a screenwriting class I took, a classmate unknowingly named one of his supporting characters in an upcoming project “Eric Roberts”. This provided a few laughs, as the rest of us clued him in on what was so funny. What followed was an impromptu session of naming Eric Roberts films at random (along with his recent music video work with The Killers and Mariah Carey). Though I named such trash opuses of his, such as Star 80 and The Specialist, I’m sorry I didn’t know of this film at the time. Then I would have had my “Eric Roberts in dreads” reference. Hey, I had to take something from the film!

The Plot, as it was:
Tom and Gina (John Ritter and Rachel Hunter) go on a family vacation with their two kids somewhere in California. Dad’s an overworked business exec and Mom’s the undersexed, annoyed housewife. The kids are annoying as per usual, which leads to everyone having a tense time to begin with. While at the pool, the family meets Eddie & Lonnie (the aforementioned Mr. Roberts and Katy Boyer) and his brother (Ken Palmer). Of course, everyone’s nice at first but it’s only a matter of time before the family is taken hostage. You see, Eddie (or “Mr. Eddie”, as he’s referred to) and his gang take rich families hostage, rob them and off them afterwards. They want all of Tom’s savings ($1.2 million) but it’s never that simple. Mind games abound as Tom and kin try to escape the whim of a madman…a white madman with dreadlocks.

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
The IMDB lists the genre as Thriller, though that’s being generous. It was actually a Borer (oh yeah, I went there). Early in the film, Tom’s son tells Dad that he’s a “real cornball” in what sounds like a stereotypical New Yawker drawl (just in that line, though…weird). I bring this up because I could not remember another memorable line of dialogue in the entire thing! The film just moved from one boring “Can I trust you?” moment to the next. I mean, God rest his soul and all but I did not buy John Ritter as an “action hero” and never would. Remember his teaming with Jim Belushi in Real Men? I didn’t figure you did. Anyway, that film was parodying action films, with one of the obvious gags being that Ritter would be one of the last guys you could imagine holding a gun. Here we have a man who looks as intimidating as Garth Brooks against a man with a ridiculous hairstyle who looks equally as intimidating. I realize Roberts is a “method actor” but who ever got in his ear that having dreads was a good idea deserves major ridicule. He does manage to chew the scenery with his Southern accent and adds a modicum of interests to the proceedings. Unfortunately, he’s the only real reason to watch this swill. There are one or so tense moments but director Serge Rodunsky paces this like a bowling match on a tar surface and doesn’t manage to milk his scenes for any excitement or punch they could provide. Oh, and the ending seems to be a bit of a copout. You’re welcome.

Body Count/Violence: 9. Mr. Eddie does have the novelty of taking an ice pick to the back of his victim’s skulls and reducing them to jelly. He does this a few times and, though it’s not real bloody, it is at least interesting. The rest is the usual shooting and car chases, which come off average.

Sexuality/Nudity: No Rachel Hunter nudity, so that will probably make your decision a lot easier at the local video outlet. We get some topless strip club action though because the director had to get tits in there to wake us up at some point.

Language/Dialogue: Yeah. I guess. I told you, I can’t remember any lines.

How bad was it?: The two reviews at IMDB were scathing at best. This Serge guy hasn’t exactly had a storied career.

Did it make the studio’s day?: It was supposedly released on video in the U.S. by MTI on 6/27/00. I’m sure the rush at Blockbuster was tremendous.

Film: */*****
Entertainment value: *1/2/*****

Copyright 2007 The Action Mutant.

The Street Fighter's Last Revenge

2008-03-27T21:26:00.000-07:00

The Action Mutant…
doesn’t like Martinis with his kung fu!

The Street Fighter’s Last Revenge

review by Joe Burrows

Perspective:
The last film in the Street Fighter trilogy, only this time the filmmakers decided to repackage Chiba as a James Bond-like, gadget wielding agent. Get ready to let out a big Moe Syzlak “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA???”

The Plot, as it was:
Terry Tsurugi has gone from a magma inhaling karate badass to a suave super spy (with no real explanation as to why). Hell, all of the girls at the phone company want to jump his bones, despite the fact that every woman in the past two films deemed him sub-human at best! Anyway, a drug syndicate hires him to retrieve two tapes that have the recipe for synthetic heroin at $200 a pound. Haven’t these people ever heard of the wonderful concept of tape dubbing? However, Tsurugi has to contend with double-crosses, a crooked D.A., a mystery woman out to bed him and a mariachi man that shoots lasers! Now, who’s on heroin here…the characters or the filmmakers?

Don’t shoot me…I’m only the reviewer!:
Someone kicks Terry’s ass and he starts to doubt who he is? Important cargo gets taken from Terry’s possession not once but TWICE? MASKS? VAMPIRE TEETH? THIS IS NOT THE SAME GUY!!! They don’t even call him by the right last name (calling him Sur-gur-i this time around)! Sure, some will call this “broadening the character” but there’s usually a limit. Basically everything that made the first two films unique and memorable has been thrown out for campy trash and needless plot twists, not to mention just being shoddily made. There are some fun, cheesy moments at times (the introduction to the mariachi man, for example) and it’s good to see Sue Shiomi in her brief role but the film is such a 180 from the previous two films (not to mention an unsatisfying ending) that it’s nothing more than a goofy yet frustrating curiosity.

Body Count/Violence: 17. And with all the gadgetry comes a decided lack in what set the Street Fighter films apart: gratuitous violence. Sure, there are more than a few fights but the lack of blood really takes away from things. Still, every once in a while, Chiba pulls out a goodie that harkens back to the first two films (such as when he takes the mariachi man on a hands on tour of a crematorium). Ah, kilns.

Sexuality/Nudity: No less than three sex scenes, with the mystery woman Aya (Reiko Ike) flashing breasts in each.

Language/Dialogue: Somewhat stronger. There’s even an F bomb dropped once.

How bad was it?:
Some critics have a “so bad its good vibe” with it and like it for the cheesy trash it is. Followers of the series tend to dismiss it as the worst of the series (which it is). (Note: Director Teruo Ishii apparently didn’t care for martial arts films and is usually credited with killing the series. He didn’t even have the courtesy to put his name on the credits. Thanks a lot, bastard!)

Did it make the studio’s day?:
No box office figures, but the film was released by New Line Cinema in the U.S. in February of 1979.

Film: *1/2/*****
Entertainment value: ***/*****

Copyright 2007 The Action Mutant.